Death
It needs to end. These feeling I have for my dream girl have soured. Not that I have lost my love for her, but that my emotional stance is completely unhealthy. I have no security in my life for the time being. Which would be fine if I could just FOCUS and show some of my old discipline. My character is giving way to something I can't recognize. And, I'm taking it out on her because I've become a complete douchebag...that's no way to treat a friend nor a lover. What the fuck is wrong with me. Why do I feel like this? Like this!!! You know, a feeling that grabs ahold of your mind and makes you do/say things that are not in agreement with who you are and what you stand for. And now, a lot of fucked up things have happened because of my new undesired mentality. I need release, but I don't want it at the expense of losing my attraction to her. The shitty thing is that as long as hold on, I'll be someone that neither of us need or desire in a relationship. I am better than this. I am better than what I have become. And, nothing yet has resolved these issues.
Despite all the havoc that I have sown, I will not repress my emotions. Who knows, maybe some of this is more of that old bullshit left over from seeing my parents destroy each other emotionally. God damnit, I just want it to be over. I just want to let go of it all. I am tired of this Hell.
I thought a lot of the way I feel is because of what has happened between D. and I, and maybe a good bit of it is. But, that doesn't mean that it's the only source. I think a good bit of it is that I am finally an adult, yet I can't truly support myself the way I want. I hate my work and I don't want to feel like I'm bound to Union county. I want to be with her, but the way I am now is not going allow that to happen. I am pissed that I have failed.
At least I'm finally to the angry stage. I was afraid, I was obsessed, I was sad, I was mad at her, and now I am mad at myself...Jessie was right, emotions are so bothersome sometimes. But, self loathing won't get me where I need to go. This is just a passing phase.
Whatever...fuck it. Life is making me it's bitch once again. I do not have good intentions right now. If I was given the opportunity I'd probably be the destroyer...too late.
Despite all the havoc that I have sown, I will not repress my emotions. Who knows, maybe some of this is more of that old bullshit left over from seeing my parents destroy each other emotionally. God damnit, I just want it to be over. I just want to let go of it all. I am tired of this Hell.
I thought a lot of the way I feel is because of what has happened between D. and I, and maybe a good bit of it is. But, that doesn't mean that it's the only source. I think a good bit of it is that I am finally an adult, yet I can't truly support myself the way I want. I hate my work and I don't want to feel like I'm bound to Union county. I want to be with her, but the way I am now is not going allow that to happen. I am pissed that I have failed.
At least I'm finally to the angry stage. I was afraid, I was obsessed, I was sad, I was mad at her, and now I am mad at myself...Jessie was right, emotions are so bothersome sometimes. But, self loathing won't get me where I need to go. This is just a passing phase.
Whatever...fuck it. Life is making me it's bitch once again. I do not have good intentions right now. If I was given the opportunity I'd probably be the destroyer...too late.