HOW TO BE EMO
from that creepy overhead voice to little billy.
Person: Now remember Billy, when looking for the right emo pose, just think of your grandfather. Now mix this style with that of your local nerd. Favorite clothes of any emo kid can include the following: tight pant and jeans or other wise, collard shirts, sweaters or sweater vests, hoodies, tight shirts at any time will do, and a few other things you might pick up soon enough. Of course no emo boy or girl is complete without accessories. They can include pins of your favorite bands, a punk rock style studded belt, and mostly last of all your black-rimmed glasses.
Billy: but I don’t need glasses!
Person: That’s ok Billy. Neither do most emo kids either! But we won’t say anything, will we? Whoa! Billy! You might think your emo ‘cause you’re dressed like that, but you’re not. You need to learn how to deal with the outside world. With other emo kids who might think you’re a poser. I think its time you learned some emo etiquette! Now Billy, emo social etiquette is an extremely important part of the whole process. The idea is not based on how you perceive yourself.
Billy: its not?
Person: ha! No.. its more based on how people perceive you! Outwardly! Let’s start something shall we? Emo kids are supposed to be sensitive, open minded individuals. Now, that in mind: don’t do it. You need to strive to clash with anything that might clash with the emo mindset. Things like this include: excepting different forms of music, indulgence in cigarettes and alcohol. Eating meat. Having sexual relationship with other boys.
Billy: aww ok.
Person: now Billy, you can make out with multiple partners to your hearts content.
Billy: oh boy!
Person: (continues) logical thinking, because it tends to take away from your sensitivity. Extroversion of any form, as it makes you look interested in something. But above all Billy, avoid happiness. Happiness is a kind of a sin to emo culture.
Billy: why can’t I be happy?
Person: you see, Billy, ‘cause emo kids are so sensitive they tend to take everything a lot harder than normal. Their lives are ones of constant pain and misery. Let us use a few examples. Let’s say the store runs out of your favorite soy ice cream! This should make you cry. Thus, your day is ruined. If your best friend was mean to you, this could ruin your week, month, or year. If your girlfriend or boyfriend dumps you, this ruins your life.
Billy: well, if I can’t be happy or extroverted, how am I supposed to act any emotion?
Person: well you see, Billy that leads us to step two of our emo lesson: Your physical being. Billy do you know how to sulk?
Billy: yeah, I think.
Person: good job. Now get used to this position. Its your new stance. Be sure to eliminate any confidence or pride in yourself. When watching, be sure to fold your arms. Don’t, I repeat don’t, look entertained. Now, when you talk to people make sure you talk with your eyes averting theirs. Stare at their feet if you must. If you don’t, people might think you have self confidence and this would derail all of our training. Another incredibly important mannerism of the emo is the head wave. Make sure when agreeing or disagreeing with someone you must extenuate your head movements. Be sure to keep your gaze down at the floor.
Billy: wait, I’m confused.
Person: Be sure to practice these Billy, as much as you can.
Billy: ok! Well, am I ready to go out to the outside world yet?
Person: just one more minor adjustment. There you go. Now no emo is complete with out his trademark dyed-black hair.
Billy: it’s so badly done! My fingers are all black!
Person: that’s because you do it yourself! 5 minutes before leaving the house. In the emo world, the more fake black the better. Kids with normal hair just can’t be accepted by this genre of followers. Its just not emo! Now let’s get to test out those skills in a real world situation. Where would you like to go?
Billy: oh boy! I got an invite to Johnny Football’s biig party!
Person: im not sure that’s such a swell idea Billy.
Billy: no they’re my friends! They’ll accept me.
Person: well, ok. Off you go then you little scamp! Hehe he still has muccch to learn.
Johnny: so there I was getting ready to throw the football. Heh heh football.
Billy: hey guys.
Johnny: *gasp* *punch*
Billy: ow!
Johnny: kick his #%^ guys.
Billy: ow! Ow!
Johnny: *cans him*
Billy: is anyone out there? This isn’t funny!!
Person: its not emo at all to pick fights or stand up for yourself.
Billy *angry*: What am I supposed to do with all this EMOTION I have inside?
Person: Well Billy, you solve your emotion the eeeemo way! Through poetry! Be sure to right down all the emotions you feel and would like to express. Poetry will be your new release.
Johnny: I was out there on the football field about to go long. All the cheerleaders came out. I went about 150 yards. I was like boom just launched like boom! Hey sissy. Hahaha. That was pretty funny, ha guys?
Emo guy: I wrote this song for you. Its real sweet and sensitive. *sings* when I look into your eyes, I wanna kneel down and cry cause the beauty you posses, the skin I must caress, the tears fall like stars from my eyes.
Billy: do I really need to know how to do that?
Person: instruments are the emo kid’s first love. After poetry. Every true one can play at least one. And really, for the soul purpose, of getting women. See how he used his poetry and the instrument together?
Billy: that’s what I do with my poetry!
Person: you might just be catching on! Of course, guitars and poetry aren’t the only hobbies emo kids have! There’s a wide variety, in fact. Here let me show you! Say goodbye to the crisp crispy foldy sound of your cds, Billy. Say hello to vinyl. It’s much bigger and with poorer quality. You’ll begin to love those cracks and pops in the middle of your favorite song.
Billy: well what should I do with all my cds? Throw them away?
Person: Yes, but not before you record all your favorites onto a mix tape, copied from cds to a durable analog tape. The quality may lack a bit that’s not a concern when you don’t have to deal with pressing a button to skip to the next track.
Billy: ok. I see! Emo kids don’t like studio quality sound!
Person: that’s right Billy! Of course that doesn’t only go for music. I see a super new and expensive Xbox over there. Do you like new fangled video games?
Billy: mmmhmm!
Person: well, stop! Immediately take It and replace it with a 9-bit Nintendo. Buy all the games you can possibly get for it but be sure to play only one all the time. How’s the poetry coming, Billy?
Billy: oh yea! I almost have every page filled. Cover to cover.
Person: some of those might make good songs but your stories will go perfectly in your new zine.
Billy: you mean magazine
Person: no. it’s more emo to call it a zine.
Billy: my dad just doesn’t understand me. He expects me to be big and tough like Johnny Unitus. Just doesn’t understand my sensitive side.
Person: Billy, does dad do this a lot?
Billy: oh yea! All the time.
Person: the thing you have to understand Billy, is the emo culture is a close knit small one. Your dad is not emo. Those football players are not emo either. Believe it or not, Slayer’s not emo.
Billy: They’re not?
Person: I know its hard to believe but..
Billy: So how do I know whose emo and whose not?
Person: Let me give you a few examples, Billy.
-rap plays-
Person: these people are not emo.
-Screaming infidelities is sung by a girl-
Billy: she’s listening to dashboard confessionals. She must be emo!
Person: no, that’s where you’re mistaken. Just because she listens to emo, doesn’t make her emo. She Is just like so many others who cling to a fad. Not like you and me, billy.
-justin timberlake plays-
Person: these fellows aren’t emo either.
-Tupac plays-
Billy: Tupac defiantly can’t be emo.
Person: ooh that’s where you’re wrong billy. Tupac was one of the most sensitive men of our times. His poem and rhyme was spoken with such raw and powerful emotion. Tupac was very much indeed emo. Although, loved extensively by all types of people around the world, James Traficad is not emo.
Billy: could’ve fooled me.
-ding dong-
Billy: hey sage…
Sage: hey I just got the new nelley cd. Come on, let’s go listen to it.
Person: Sorry it had to come to this Billy, but your old schoolyard chum is defiantly not emo.
Billy: why is Kyle making out with that guy?
Person: well you see Billy, this brings us to our last lesson of all. Super-sensitivity. You see Billy, Kyles crossed the boundaries of straight and gay. He’s intact with all peoples feelings. This is the last step you have to learn.
Billy: but I don’t wanna make out with a guy!
Person: this is the final test, Billy. Go through with this and you will truly be emo.
Billy: really?
Person: if you learn your information through an informational film than no.
Billy: oh.
-emo music plays-
tell me im not emo!! LMAO how emo r u? post!!
Person: Now remember Billy, when looking for the right emo pose, just think of your grandfather. Now mix this style with that of your local nerd. Favorite clothes of any emo kid can include the following: tight pant and jeans or other wise, collard shirts, sweaters or sweater vests, hoodies, tight shirts at any time will do, and a few other things you might pick up soon enough. Of course no emo boy or girl is complete without accessories. They can include pins of your favorite bands, a punk rock style studded belt, and mostly last of all your black-rimmed glasses.
Billy: but I don’t need glasses!
Person: That’s ok Billy. Neither do most emo kids either! But we won’t say anything, will we? Whoa! Billy! You might think your emo ‘cause you’re dressed like that, but you’re not. You need to learn how to deal with the outside world. With other emo kids who might think you’re a poser. I think its time you learned some emo etiquette! Now Billy, emo social etiquette is an extremely important part of the whole process. The idea is not based on how you perceive yourself.
Billy: its not?
Person: ha! No.. its more based on how people perceive you! Outwardly! Let’s start something shall we? Emo kids are supposed to be sensitive, open minded individuals. Now, that in mind: don’t do it. You need to strive to clash with anything that might clash with the emo mindset. Things like this include: excepting different forms of music, indulgence in cigarettes and alcohol. Eating meat. Having sexual relationship with other boys.
Billy: aww ok.
Person: now Billy, you can make out with multiple partners to your hearts content.
Billy: oh boy!
Person: (continues) logical thinking, because it tends to take away from your sensitivity. Extroversion of any form, as it makes you look interested in something. But above all Billy, avoid happiness. Happiness is a kind of a sin to emo culture.
Billy: why can’t I be happy?
Person: you see, Billy, ‘cause emo kids are so sensitive they tend to take everything a lot harder than normal. Their lives are ones of constant pain and misery. Let us use a few examples. Let’s say the store runs out of your favorite soy ice cream! This should make you cry. Thus, your day is ruined. If your best friend was mean to you, this could ruin your week, month, or year. If your girlfriend or boyfriend dumps you, this ruins your life.
Billy: well, if I can’t be happy or extroverted, how am I supposed to act any emotion?
Person: well you see, Billy that leads us to step two of our emo lesson: Your physical being. Billy do you know how to sulk?
Billy: yeah, I think.
Person: good job. Now get used to this position. Its your new stance. Be sure to eliminate any confidence or pride in yourself. When watching, be sure to fold your arms. Don’t, I repeat don’t, look entertained. Now, when you talk to people make sure you talk with your eyes averting theirs. Stare at their feet if you must. If you don’t, people might think you have self confidence and this would derail all of our training. Another incredibly important mannerism of the emo is the head wave. Make sure when agreeing or disagreeing with someone you must extenuate your head movements. Be sure to keep your gaze down at the floor.
Billy: wait, I’m confused.
Person: Be sure to practice these Billy, as much as you can.
Billy: ok! Well, am I ready to go out to the outside world yet?
Person: just one more minor adjustment. There you go. Now no emo is complete with out his trademark dyed-black hair.
Billy: it’s so badly done! My fingers are all black!
Person: that’s because you do it yourself! 5 minutes before leaving the house. In the emo world, the more fake black the better. Kids with normal hair just can’t be accepted by this genre of followers. Its just not emo! Now let’s get to test out those skills in a real world situation. Where would you like to go?
Billy: oh boy! I got an invite to Johnny Football’s biig party!
Person: im not sure that’s such a swell idea Billy.
Billy: no they’re my friends! They’ll accept me.
Person: well, ok. Off you go then you little scamp! Hehe he still has muccch to learn.
Johnny: so there I was getting ready to throw the football. Heh heh football.
Billy: hey guys.
Johnny: *gasp* *punch*
Billy: ow!
Johnny: kick his #%^ guys.
Billy: ow! Ow!
Johnny: *cans him*
Billy: is anyone out there? This isn’t funny!!
Person: its not emo at all to pick fights or stand up for yourself.
Billy *angry*: What am I supposed to do with all this EMOTION I have inside?
Person: Well Billy, you solve your emotion the eeeemo way! Through poetry! Be sure to right down all the emotions you feel and would like to express. Poetry will be your new release.
Johnny: I was out there on the football field about to go long. All the cheerleaders came out. I went about 150 yards. I was like boom just launched like boom! Hey sissy. Hahaha. That was pretty funny, ha guys?
Emo guy: I wrote this song for you. Its real sweet and sensitive. *sings* when I look into your eyes, I wanna kneel down and cry cause the beauty you posses, the skin I must caress, the tears fall like stars from my eyes.
Billy: do I really need to know how to do that?
Person: instruments are the emo kid’s first love. After poetry. Every true one can play at least one. And really, for the soul purpose, of getting women. See how he used his poetry and the instrument together?
Billy: that’s what I do with my poetry!
Person: you might just be catching on! Of course, guitars and poetry aren’t the only hobbies emo kids have! There’s a wide variety, in fact. Here let me show you! Say goodbye to the crisp crispy foldy sound of your cds, Billy. Say hello to vinyl. It’s much bigger and with poorer quality. You’ll begin to love those cracks and pops in the middle of your favorite song.
Billy: well what should I do with all my cds? Throw them away?
Person: Yes, but not before you record all your favorites onto a mix tape, copied from cds to a durable analog tape. The quality may lack a bit that’s not a concern when you don’t have to deal with pressing a button to skip to the next track.
Billy: ok. I see! Emo kids don’t like studio quality sound!
Person: that’s right Billy! Of course that doesn’t only go for music. I see a super new and expensive Xbox over there. Do you like new fangled video games?
Billy: mmmhmm!
Person: well, stop! Immediately take It and replace it with a 9-bit Nintendo. Buy all the games you can possibly get for it but be sure to play only one all the time. How’s the poetry coming, Billy?
Billy: oh yea! I almost have every page filled. Cover to cover.
Person: some of those might make good songs but your stories will go perfectly in your new zine.
Billy: you mean magazine
Person: no. it’s more emo to call it a zine.
Billy: my dad just doesn’t understand me. He expects me to be big and tough like Johnny Unitus. Just doesn’t understand my sensitive side.
Person: Billy, does dad do this a lot?
Billy: oh yea! All the time.
Person: the thing you have to understand Billy, is the emo culture is a close knit small one. Your dad is not emo. Those football players are not emo either. Believe it or not, Slayer’s not emo.
Billy: They’re not?
Person: I know its hard to believe but..
Billy: So how do I know whose emo and whose not?
Person: Let me give you a few examples, Billy.
-rap plays-
Person: these people are not emo.
-Screaming infidelities is sung by a girl-
Billy: she’s listening to dashboard confessionals. She must be emo!
Person: no, that’s where you’re mistaken. Just because she listens to emo, doesn’t make her emo. She Is just like so many others who cling to a fad. Not like you and me, billy.
-justin timberlake plays-
Person: these fellows aren’t emo either.
-Tupac plays-
Billy: Tupac defiantly can’t be emo.
Person: ooh that’s where you’re wrong billy. Tupac was one of the most sensitive men of our times. His poem and rhyme was spoken with such raw and powerful emotion. Tupac was very much indeed emo. Although, loved extensively by all types of people around the world, James Traficad is not emo.
Billy: could’ve fooled me.
-ding dong-
Billy: hey sage…
Sage: hey I just got the new nelley cd. Come on, let’s go listen to it.
Person: Sorry it had to come to this Billy, but your old schoolyard chum is defiantly not emo.
Billy: why is Kyle making out with that guy?
Person: well you see Billy, this brings us to our last lesson of all. Super-sensitivity. You see Billy, Kyles crossed the boundaries of straight and gay. He’s intact with all peoples feelings. This is the last step you have to learn.
Billy: but I don’t wanna make out with a guy!
Person: this is the final test, Billy. Go through with this and you will truly be emo.
Billy: really?
Person: if you learn your information through an informational film than no.
Billy: oh.
-emo music plays-
tell me im not emo!! LMAO how emo r u? post!!