Lord of the Perv: The Two Booties, scene 3
I had a hankering to write more of this again. It is amazing that anytime I feel sick or down, all I have to do is pop in one of the LOTR DVDs and it will perk me right up! ♥ ♥ ♥
Title: Lord of the Perv: The Two Booties.
Author: lambchop33
Type: Humor, parody, slashy undertones
Rating: R for my potty mouth.
Disclaimer: Lies, whole lies, and nothing but lies. Tolkien would throw rocks at me. Certain staffers at New Line Cinema may yet throw rocks at me. No profit being made, obviously.
Brief Summary: general silliness on my part. Scene 3: Theoden King and his Achy Breaky Heart.
Lord of the Perv: The Two Booties, Scene 3
~We rejoin our Three Hunters after they have reunited with Gandalf. The Wizard stands at the edge of a clearing. As he rips off a long wolf whistle, a white horse whinnies and appears from behind a distant hill~
Legolas: Dude, that is one totally bitchin’ ride.
Gandalf: You know it, baby. Shadowfax is the shit. Now let’s go.
~It is the end of the day’s ride, and the four companions have made camp for the night. Gandalf stands at the edge of camp, staring out into the approaching night as Aragorn comes to his side~
Gandalf: So, has the elf been staying in a tent all by his onesies?
Aragorn: (glumly) Yep.
Gandalf: Damn. I really need to get laid.
Aragorn: Me too.
~A long pause stretches out, during which Gandalf’s eyes shift from the horizon to settle suggestively on the Ranger~
Gandalf: *cough*
Aragorn: (brightly) Well, g’night! See you first light!
~Aragorn shuffles quickly back to his tent~
Gandalf: (thinks to self) Damn! That totally would’ve worked on Boz.
~Three uneventful days later (translation: nobody was able to bang the elf) the riders arrive in a large valley prairie, mountain ranges surrounding it. At the center, a tall rocky peak stretches up, covered with dark wooden buildings. It is an eerily beautiful sight~
Gandalf: Edoras, and the Horn of Meduseld.
Gimli: Are you sure we’re in the right place?
Gandalf: What? Of course I’m sure.
Gimli: I’m just saying, maybe we should ride up and ask.
Gandalf: This is Edoras. We don’t need to ask.
Gimli: How do you know? I don’t see any signs.
Gandalf: It’s a big blinkin’ town in the middle of nowhere! Geez, look around you, there’s nothing else for miles! Of course this is Edoras!
Aragorn: (dubiously) I don’t know, Gandalf, could be another hill with a town on it just over the next ridge.
Gandalf: *sputter* Over the next…? Look, I know the air is thin up here, but breathe in deep, man! You’re just being silly. Now let’s go, I need to use the nearest facilities. *eye dart*
Aragorn: Oh, typical Wizard, doesn’t want to ask for directions.
Gandalf: I’m not lost!
~They continue riding, and as they draw near a young woman with long, flowing red hair becomes visible on the upper steps of the Golden Hall~
Aragorn: Who’s the babe?
Gandalf: *squints* Heh? Oh, must be Eowyn. Lovely gal. Just don’t eat her stew.
~The young woman vanishes as they guide their horses through the quiet streets leading up to the majestic Hall. As the four dismount and climb the stairs, an armed guard appears at the door. In the background a rich, male voice is heard singing~
Theoden: OH GET DOWN, TURN AROUND, GO TO TOWN, BOOT SCOOTIN’ BOOGIIIIIIIEEEEEE!
Hama: May I help you?
Gandalf: Yes, quite. We’re here to see Theoden, and do you have a lavatory nearby?
Hama: Errrr, Thedoen doesn’t live here. You want to go one horn over.
Gimli: SEE? I told you we should have stopped for directions!
Gandalf: Oh, shut it Gimli. (to Hama) Don’t be rediculous! I can hear him singing behind that door.
Theoden: DOIN’ THE BOOT SCOOTIN’ BOOGIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!
Hama: *eye dart* Um, that’s not King Theoden, that’s uhhhhhh...Eomer. He likes to kareoke sometimes.
Gandalf: *stares pointedly* As much as I can believe that’s true, we already know Eomer’s been banished. Now come on, open up!
Hama: *sigh* Ok, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. Oh, and you’ll have to leave your weapons at the door.
Gimli: WOT? Not on your life!
Gandalf: No worries, Gimli. Now give him your axe.
Gimli: Hey look, maybe you can produce bolts of lightning out your ass, but I can’t! I’m NOT giving up my axe!
Legolas: I don’t know Gimli, your ass is pretty potent at times.
Aragorn: Gandy, you been holding out on me? I didn ‘t know about that lightning bolt thing...
Legolas: *sigh* At any rate, I’m not worried. (hands over bow and twirly knives) I’ve got excellent hand-to-hand combat skills.
Aragorn: *breathes heavily* Say, if you ever need a partner to practice on, you know, I enjoy a good spanking every now and again...just FYI.
Legolas: *rolls eyes* Just drop your sword, Ranger.
Aragorn: (lays sword and dagger on table) Are you sure you don’t want to hold my weapon, elf? *snicker*
Legolas: I’ll pass.
Hama: (stops Gandalf) Your staff.
Gandalf: You would not part an old man from his walking stick?
Hama: Ummm, you’re really not supposed to...
Aragorn: Hey pal, if he trips and falls, you’re the one filling out the incident report for HR, not us.
Hama: (hastily) Go right in!
~Legolas takes Gandalf by the arm as they proceed in~
Gandalf: *giggle* I get to hold onto the elf!
Aragorn: (mutters under breath) Goddamn Wizard.
Gandalf: (to Legolas) Wow, you smell really good. So what are you doing after the exorcism?
Legolas: (mutters under breath) Why can’t I travel with heterosexuals?
~Inside the Hall, there are several small groups of men, some soldiers of Edoras, and some decidedly not. As Gandalf and the Three Hunters make their way to the far end, where Theoden’s throne lies, a few grungy, undisciplined looking men shadow them at the perimeter~
Aragorn: I don’t like the way they’re looking at the elf, Gandy.
Gandalf: Yes, they’re quite lascivious, aren’t they! Better keep a sharp eye. If anyone’s going to nail that elf, it’s going to be one of us!
Legolas: What was that, Gandalf?
Gandalf: *cough* Um, nothing! I mean, oh my, the King is worse than I thought! He’s moved on to Patsy Cline already!
~Theoden King, seated on his throne with crown askew and wearing a pair of large red cowboy boots under his voluminous furs, is belting out a fine rendition of “Crazy”~
Theoden: CRAZYYYYYYYYY! I’M CRAZY FOR FEELING SO LONELY!
Gandalf: Holy Fazoli, Theoden! All that yammering will be enough to wake those on the Paths of the Dead!
Theoden: I’M CRAZY FOR FEELING SO BLUE!
Grima: (standing next to Theoden) Well, look who’s shit don’t stink! Gandalf Grayhame, what’re you doing here?
Gandalf: STFU, Grima. (holds up his staff)
Grima: YIPE!
~Grima backs away as the ruffians rush in. They are disposed of in short order by Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli, kung-foo style~
Legolas: (backhands one thug) Hi-Yaaaaaaaaaa!
*click*
Legolas: Oh, for crying out loud, Aragorn! Would you put that camera away?
Aragorn: *shrug* Action shot. Had to be done.
Gandalf: Theoden, son of Thengel! Harken to me! (raises one hand, arm outstretched) I release you from this spell.
Theoden: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You have no power here, Gandalf the Gray! ‘CAUSE I’VE GOT FRIENDS IN LOOOOOOOOOOW PLACES!
Aragorn: Come on, Gandy, what about those firebolts from your ass? DO something!
Gandalf: Jesus, Aragorn! You want me to crap my pants right here and now? I told you I had to use the little boys room!
Aragorn: (looks abashed) Oops, my bad.
~Gandalf removes his grey cape and the room is bathed in bright white light. The White Wizard points his staff at Theoden~
Gandalf: I will draw you, Saruman, as poison is drawn from a wound...
~The young, red-haired woman appears and rushes forward, then stops as her arm is caught by Aragorn~
Eowyn: OH, shit!
Aragorn: Not yet, but there might be if Gandy doesn’t speed this up a bit.
Theoden: WHERE THE WHISKEY DROWNS AND THE BEER CHASES MY BLUES AWAY...
~Theoden is forced back against his throne, struggling against Gandalf’s power~
Theoden: ...AND I’LL BE OOOOOOKAAAYYYYYYY!
~Gandalf thrusts his staff forward one last time, and Saruman’s presence is driven from Edoras~
Theoden: Aaaarrrrrrggghhhhh…
~Eowyn catches the King as he pitches forward, and watches in wonder as he resumes his former studly self~
Gandalf: (leans forward confidentially) *ahem* Lavatory?
Eowyn: Yeah yeah yeah, around the corner.
Theoden: (looking at his niece) I know your name......Fred?
Eowyn: ???
Theoden: Haaaaaaaaa...gotcha! Eowyn!
Eowyn: Uncle!!!! This calls for a celebration!
Rohirrim: (in unison, arms thrown into air happily) YAY!
Eowyn: Stew for everyone!
Rohirrim: (in unison, arms dropping sadly) Awwwwwwww.
~to be continued~
Title: Lord of the Perv: The Two Booties.
Author: lambchop33
Type: Humor, parody, slashy undertones
Rating: R for my potty mouth.
Disclaimer: Lies, whole lies, and nothing but lies. Tolkien would throw rocks at me. Certain staffers at New Line Cinema may yet throw rocks at me. No profit being made, obviously.
Brief Summary: general silliness on my part. Scene 3: Theoden King and his Achy Breaky Heart.
Lord of the Perv: The Two Booties, Scene 3
~We rejoin our Three Hunters after they have reunited with Gandalf. The Wizard stands at the edge of a clearing. As he rips off a long wolf whistle, a white horse whinnies and appears from behind a distant hill~
Legolas: Dude, that is one totally bitchin’ ride.
Gandalf: You know it, baby. Shadowfax is the shit. Now let’s go.
~It is the end of the day’s ride, and the four companions have made camp for the night. Gandalf stands at the edge of camp, staring out into the approaching night as Aragorn comes to his side~
Gandalf: So, has the elf been staying in a tent all by his onesies?
Aragorn: (glumly) Yep.
Gandalf: Damn. I really need to get laid.
Aragorn: Me too.
~A long pause stretches out, during which Gandalf’s eyes shift from the horizon to settle suggestively on the Ranger~
Gandalf: *cough*
Aragorn: (brightly) Well, g’night! See you first light!
~Aragorn shuffles quickly back to his tent~
Gandalf: (thinks to self) Damn! That totally would’ve worked on Boz.
~Three uneventful days later (translation: nobody was able to bang the elf) the riders arrive in a large valley prairie, mountain ranges surrounding it. At the center, a tall rocky peak stretches up, covered with dark wooden buildings. It is an eerily beautiful sight~
Gandalf: Edoras, and the Horn of Meduseld.
Gimli: Are you sure we’re in the right place?
Gandalf: What? Of course I’m sure.
Gimli: I’m just saying, maybe we should ride up and ask.
Gandalf: This is Edoras. We don’t need to ask.
Gimli: How do you know? I don’t see any signs.
Gandalf: It’s a big blinkin’ town in the middle of nowhere! Geez, look around you, there’s nothing else for miles! Of course this is Edoras!
Aragorn: (dubiously) I don’t know, Gandalf, could be another hill with a town on it just over the next ridge.
Gandalf: *sputter* Over the next…? Look, I know the air is thin up here, but breathe in deep, man! You’re just being silly. Now let’s go, I need to use the nearest facilities. *eye dart*
Aragorn: Oh, typical Wizard, doesn’t want to ask for directions.
Gandalf: I’m not lost!
~They continue riding, and as they draw near a young woman with long, flowing red hair becomes visible on the upper steps of the Golden Hall~
Aragorn: Who’s the babe?
Gandalf: *squints* Heh? Oh, must be Eowyn. Lovely gal. Just don’t eat her stew.
~The young woman vanishes as they guide their horses through the quiet streets leading up to the majestic Hall. As the four dismount and climb the stairs, an armed guard appears at the door. In the background a rich, male voice is heard singing~
Theoden: OH GET DOWN, TURN AROUND, GO TO TOWN, BOOT SCOOTIN’ BOOGIIIIIIIEEEEEE!
Hama: May I help you?
Gandalf: Yes, quite. We’re here to see Theoden, and do you have a lavatory nearby?
Hama: Errrr, Thedoen doesn’t live here. You want to go one horn over.
Gimli: SEE? I told you we should have stopped for directions!
Gandalf: Oh, shut it Gimli. (to Hama) Don’t be rediculous! I can hear him singing behind that door.
Theoden: DOIN’ THE BOOT SCOOTIN’ BOOGIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!
Hama: *eye dart* Um, that’s not King Theoden, that’s uhhhhhh...Eomer. He likes to kareoke sometimes.
Gandalf: *stares pointedly* As much as I can believe that’s true, we already know Eomer’s been banished. Now come on, open up!
Hama: *sigh* Ok, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. Oh, and you’ll have to leave your weapons at the door.
Gimli: WOT? Not on your life!
Gandalf: No worries, Gimli. Now give him your axe.
Gimli: Hey look, maybe you can produce bolts of lightning out your ass, but I can’t! I’m NOT giving up my axe!
Legolas: I don’t know Gimli, your ass is pretty potent at times.
Aragorn: Gandy, you been holding out on me? I didn ‘t know about that lightning bolt thing...
Legolas: *sigh* At any rate, I’m not worried. (hands over bow and twirly knives) I’ve got excellent hand-to-hand combat skills.
Aragorn: *breathes heavily* Say, if you ever need a partner to practice on, you know, I enjoy a good spanking every now and again...just FYI.
Legolas: *rolls eyes* Just drop your sword, Ranger.
Aragorn: (lays sword and dagger on table) Are you sure you don’t want to hold my weapon, elf? *snicker*
Legolas: I’ll pass.
Hama: (stops Gandalf) Your staff.
Gandalf: You would not part an old man from his walking stick?
Hama: Ummm, you’re really not supposed to...
Aragorn: Hey pal, if he trips and falls, you’re the one filling out the incident report for HR, not us.
Hama: (hastily) Go right in!
~Legolas takes Gandalf by the arm as they proceed in~
Gandalf: *giggle* I get to hold onto the elf!
Aragorn: (mutters under breath) Goddamn Wizard.
Gandalf: (to Legolas) Wow, you smell really good. So what are you doing after the exorcism?
Legolas: (mutters under breath) Why can’t I travel with heterosexuals?
~Inside the Hall, there are several small groups of men, some soldiers of Edoras, and some decidedly not. As Gandalf and the Three Hunters make their way to the far end, where Theoden’s throne lies, a few grungy, undisciplined looking men shadow them at the perimeter~
Aragorn: I don’t like the way they’re looking at the elf, Gandy.
Gandalf: Yes, they’re quite lascivious, aren’t they! Better keep a sharp eye. If anyone’s going to nail that elf, it’s going to be one of us!
Legolas: What was that, Gandalf?
Gandalf: *cough* Um, nothing! I mean, oh my, the King is worse than I thought! He’s moved on to Patsy Cline already!
~Theoden King, seated on his throne with crown askew and wearing a pair of large red cowboy boots under his voluminous furs, is belting out a fine rendition of “Crazy”~
Theoden: CRAZYYYYYYYYY! I’M CRAZY FOR FEELING SO LONELY!
Gandalf: Holy Fazoli, Theoden! All that yammering will be enough to wake those on the Paths of the Dead!
Theoden: I’M CRAZY FOR FEELING SO BLUE!
Grima: (standing next to Theoden) Well, look who’s shit don’t stink! Gandalf Grayhame, what’re you doing here?
Gandalf: STFU, Grima. (holds up his staff)
Grima: YIPE!
~Grima backs away as the ruffians rush in. They are disposed of in short order by Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli, kung-foo style~
Legolas: (backhands one thug) Hi-Yaaaaaaaaaa!
*click*
Legolas: Oh, for crying out loud, Aragorn! Would you put that camera away?
Aragorn: *shrug* Action shot. Had to be done.
Gandalf: Theoden, son of Thengel! Harken to me! (raises one hand, arm outstretched) I release you from this spell.
Theoden: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You have no power here, Gandalf the Gray! ‘CAUSE I’VE GOT FRIENDS IN LOOOOOOOOOOW PLACES!
Aragorn: Come on, Gandy, what about those firebolts from your ass? DO something!
Gandalf: Jesus, Aragorn! You want me to crap my pants right here and now? I told you I had to use the little boys room!
Aragorn: (looks abashed) Oops, my bad.
~Gandalf removes his grey cape and the room is bathed in bright white light. The White Wizard points his staff at Theoden~
Gandalf: I will draw you, Saruman, as poison is drawn from a wound...
~The young, red-haired woman appears and rushes forward, then stops as her arm is caught by Aragorn~
Eowyn: OH, shit!
Aragorn: Not yet, but there might be if Gandy doesn’t speed this up a bit.
Theoden: WHERE THE WHISKEY DROWNS AND THE BEER CHASES MY BLUES AWAY...
~Theoden is forced back against his throne, struggling against Gandalf’s power~
Theoden: ...AND I’LL BE OOOOOOKAAAYYYYYYY!
~Gandalf thrusts his staff forward one last time, and Saruman’s presence is driven from Edoras~
Theoden: Aaaarrrrrrggghhhhh…
~Eowyn catches the King as he pitches forward, and watches in wonder as he resumes his former studly self~
Gandalf: (leans forward confidentially) *ahem* Lavatory?
Eowyn: Yeah yeah yeah, around the corner.
Theoden: (looking at his niece) I know your name......Fred?
Eowyn: ???
Theoden: Haaaaaaaaa...gotcha! Eowyn!
Eowyn: Uncle!!!! This calls for a celebration!
Rohirrim: (in unison, arms thrown into air happily) YAY!
Eowyn: Stew for everyone!
Rohirrim: (in unison, arms dropping sadly) Awwwwwwww.
~to be continued~