(Untitled)

[lalura]

so about the freak accident in disney...my mom called me and said that a disney performer got RUN OVER BY A FLOAT in the afternoon parade and died. it happened before the parade actually got out where the crowds could see, but honestly those floats move so slowly how on earth do you not see one coming after you? i'm so disillusioned, but i guess i'

Comments

[hot_jon_music]

We might as well get the majority of this over with all at once, so here are some of the Disney secrets you have never wanted to know but, in order to mature, must find out:

1) Goofy is not just dumb; he's legally retarded. He wears diapers, for Christ's sake.

2) Donald Duck is a Columbian drug trafficker. As such, he is responsible for the deaths of more men than Stalin and Hitler combined.

3) Mickey is gay, and I'm not talking normal-guy-with-a-steady-job-who-just-happens-to-like-dudes gay, I mean leather-chaps-and-bondage-balls-who-won't-let-you-suck-his-dick-until-after-he's-knocked-all-of-your-teeth-out gay. He only married Minnie so she could get her citizenship; she remains, to this day, his servant and confidant.

4) Mickey also has his way with Pluto when the pickings at the local gay bars are slim. The abused canine is often heard using his food dish to tap out "SOS: Kill Me" in Morse code when visitors are at the residence.

5) No spells were actually cast upon Sleeping Beauty; that bitch was just fucking lazy. Moreover, she was able to collect disability checks for quite a long time, thanks to her "ailment."

6) The Beast got really arrogant after becoming human again, and Belle dumped his ass after a couple of months. As you may imagine, he went back to his original bitch, Lumiere, after his flirtation with heterosexuality failed miserably.

7) The seven dwarves were all about the circle jerk, and if you think the food they gave Snow White was clean, you obviously don't know why Happy was so fucking giddy all the time.

8) No one who was ever featured on the show "Dallas" actually shot J.R.; Mary Poppins did it, then she floated the fuck out of there. Whoever actually confessed to the crime was probably doing so under the influence of a spoonful of "sugar."

9) The Prince beats Cinderella...alot.

10) There is more, and I'll tell you the rest of it when I think you're ready for it. For now, this is enough. I hope none of this gives you nightmares. Stay strong.

Love,
Jon