Just some other stuff in my brain.
So I promised I'd post about last weekend but I lied. Now that it's over I have absolutely no intention of doing so. So I'll talk about a lot of cryptic bullshit instead.
My future?:
So lately I've been really thinking about where I want to take my life. For some reason I feel the need to have some sort of plan, I guess so I can feel bad about deviating from it later on down the road. Maybe it was the way I was brought up or a product of my previous circumstances but I always feel like I need to have a plan or at least an outline for everything I do. I can't just focus on the next year or the next semester of classes and say "I'll work on this this year and then I'll think about next year when next year comes." No, no, that's not the way Kayleigh works. I need a good idea of what I want to do for the next 10 years already planned out before I can decide what college to apply to etc... So I feel like I'm at a cross roads now. I can make one decision and commit myself to one path. This path might inhibit me from doing other things that I had always thought I wanted to do. I won't be able to do certain things I've wanted to since I was very little but I think I'd enjoy it very much anyway. On the other hand I do another thing but I doubt it'll be any more fulfilling. And what's more it's unknown. I'd have the opportunity to do some other things but this path is less certain, and therefor requires more planning than the first. I'm not quite sure where I'll be going. And I know in the long-run it doesn't really matter. I've decided my purpose is to be happy and try to flow with this particular life. I should stop fighting things so much. When it comes down to it I have very little control of my life. I can only make the best of circumstances that are given to me. For all my planning I'll still end up in unsure situations and possibly uncomfortable unseen events. I keep telling myself to stop worrying so much, because I don't have to decide anything now, and even if I do the universe will probably pitch me a curve ball just to show me that my plans are shit anyway. It's still hard though. I keep trying to decide my future now.
Anyway so the real point I guess is that I've been doing some thinking about it, and I think I've come to some sort of decision. Or at least I think I've got a good plan (which I'll probably revise in a month). See I want to travel. I want to travel really really really bad. It's not that I don't like America or anything.. oh wait I think that might be the reason... but I just have this need to be somewhere else. I have the need to seek out experience. I'm not going to be happy if I have to stay in one place for too long. I'm not going to happy if I have to be tacked down to a mortgage or something like that. I just want the ability to decide one summer that I'm going to Ecuador, "See you in the fall". Or something like that. I want the ability to say "I'm taking a road trip to California... or something like that... see you in two weeks." So I've been trying to balance that with what career I want. I'm trying to think of something that I can walk away from or something with a lot of vacation time built in so I can leave for large stints. And I positively had desks and offices... so I CANNOT get an office job. I despise cubicles. I despise time-sheets. I despise all sorts of things like that. Honestly I think I would rather just die than be stuck in a living like that. I would rather die than slave away to a job so that I could eat and enjoy all the "comforts" of modern society. I would rather starve to death than be subjected to such torture. But anyway, so I have to find a job that definatly does not suck my soul out. So some of my choices have been going into film, or perhaps journalism (where I'd get to travel), teacher, or maybe try to go into business for myself. I'm thinking if I did that I would want a restaurant or a bookstore or something cool like that. If I was a teacher I would prefer to be a college professor, so I didn't have to deal with other people's snotty little kids or the apathetic shit-head teenagers that inhabit high school. But if I had to choose some sort of elementary education to teach it would be like 12th grade english or history or something like that. That wouldn't be too bad. And I'd get my summers off. So I'm thinking right now it's my best option. I mean I'd have a solid pay-check, I would have relative freedom of how I taught, and I'd get my summers off. Plus think of it this way... by the time kids get to high school they are either really smart and apply themselves and need no goading or they are apathetic and don't give a crap. So either way I wouldn't have to apply myself or really try to effect their lives in a positive way. And if I did, by chance, change a life for the better, I could feel good about it and congratulate myself on what a significant career I have. Over all that's a pretty sweet deal. Oh and did I mention I'll have summers off to go globe-hopping? Yeah. So. as of now that's the new and improved, revised plan for my life. I'm pretty excited. I like have goals like that.
My future?:
So lately I've been really thinking about where I want to take my life. For some reason I feel the need to have some sort of plan, I guess so I can feel bad about deviating from it later on down the road. Maybe it was the way I was brought up or a product of my previous circumstances but I always feel like I need to have a plan or at least an outline for everything I do. I can't just focus on the next year or the next semester of classes and say "I'll work on this this year and then I'll think about next year when next year comes." No, no, that's not the way Kayleigh works. I need a good idea of what I want to do for the next 10 years already planned out before I can decide what college to apply to etc... So I feel like I'm at a cross roads now. I can make one decision and commit myself to one path. This path might inhibit me from doing other things that I had always thought I wanted to do. I won't be able to do certain things I've wanted to since I was very little but I think I'd enjoy it very much anyway. On the other hand I do another thing but I doubt it'll be any more fulfilling. And what's more it's unknown. I'd have the opportunity to do some other things but this path is less certain, and therefor requires more planning than the first. I'm not quite sure where I'll be going. And I know in the long-run it doesn't really matter. I've decided my purpose is to be happy and try to flow with this particular life. I should stop fighting things so much. When it comes down to it I have very little control of my life. I can only make the best of circumstances that are given to me. For all my planning I'll still end up in unsure situations and possibly uncomfortable unseen events. I keep telling myself to stop worrying so much, because I don't have to decide anything now, and even if I do the universe will probably pitch me a curve ball just to show me that my plans are shit anyway. It's still hard though. I keep trying to decide my future now.
Anyway so the real point I guess is that I've been doing some thinking about it, and I think I've come to some sort of decision. Or at least I think I've got a good plan (which I'll probably revise in a month). See I want to travel. I want to travel really really really bad. It's not that I don't like America or anything.. oh wait I think that might be the reason... but I just have this need to be somewhere else. I have the need to seek out experience. I'm not going to be happy if I have to stay in one place for too long. I'm not going to happy if I have to be tacked down to a mortgage or something like that. I just want the ability to decide one summer that I'm going to Ecuador, "See you in the fall". Or something like that. I want the ability to say "I'm taking a road trip to California... or something like that... see you in two weeks." So I've been trying to balance that with what career I want. I'm trying to think of something that I can walk away from or something with a lot of vacation time built in so I can leave for large stints. And I positively had desks and offices... so I CANNOT get an office job. I despise cubicles. I despise time-sheets. I despise all sorts of things like that. Honestly I think I would rather just die than be stuck in a living like that. I would rather die than slave away to a job so that I could eat and enjoy all the "comforts" of modern society. I would rather starve to death than be subjected to such torture. But anyway, so I have to find a job that definatly does not suck my soul out. So some of my choices have been going into film, or perhaps journalism (where I'd get to travel), teacher, or maybe try to go into business for myself. I'm thinking if I did that I would want a restaurant or a bookstore or something cool like that. If I was a teacher I would prefer to be a college professor, so I didn't have to deal with other people's snotty little kids or the apathetic shit-head teenagers that inhabit high school. But if I had to choose some sort of elementary education to teach it would be like 12th grade english or history or something like that. That wouldn't be too bad. And I'd get my summers off. So I'm thinking right now it's my best option. I mean I'd have a solid pay-check, I would have relative freedom of how I taught, and I'd get my summers off. Plus think of it this way... by the time kids get to high school they are either really smart and apply themselves and need no goading or they are apathetic and don't give a crap. So either way I wouldn't have to apply myself or really try to effect their lives in a positive way. And if I did, by chance, change a life for the better, I could feel good about it and congratulate myself on what a significant career I have. Over all that's a pretty sweet deal. Oh and did I mention I'll have summers off to go globe-hopping? Yeah. So. as of now that's the new and improved, revised plan for my life. I'm pretty excited. I like have goals like that.