Step away from the bandwagon and no one will get hurt
I have no idea what's happened to my country. Topless swimming gets forbidden at swimming pools, people whine about the damage to children who happen to see a topless woman, and now the media is having a good time with "the chastity trend" - which, much like the "sex and the city trend" it's supposed to have replaced, isn't.
The last drop for me was this particularly appalling column in Aftonbladet (at http://www.aftonbladet.se/nyheter/kolumnister/johannehildebrandt/article5109496.ab for those who read Swedish) with the headline "A McSex to alleviate loneliness." It contains two ideas I find problematic: a)that we have a culture of very casual sex in Sweden and b)that this is now being challenged by a new trend of chastity, which is presented positively.
Under a), I am in general doubtful. The columnist claims that "Something must have gone seriously wrong when fucking became a hamburger joint, a McSex you wolf down to alleviate immediate hunger and/or loneliness despite its containing no real nourishment (my translation)." I am firstly very doubtful that this is how it looks among young people at least - in my experience, very casual one-night-stands is the realm of the horny middle-aged, not among the young. Secondly, this is very contemptuous of lonely people.
Many people are lonely - one of the things you learn eventually is that just about everybody is, at some point in their lives, appallingly, abysmally lonely, so lonely it hurts. If sex helps with that, why the hell not? I belong to the school of "I'm for anything that gets you through the night, be it prayer, tranquillisers, or a bottle of whisky." Connecting with someone else, no matter how momentarily and casually, strikes me as a better option than drugs or alcohol - at least it tends to result in not just pleasure but a real, if fleeting, connection with another human being - which, in that loneliness, is what you need. Of course it would be better if the connection was deeper and more abiding, as that would alleviate the loneliness better, but I notice that it's mostly people who are themselves secure in the close network of friends and lovers who are judgemental of other people's needs and how they fulfil them. It also doesn't seem to have occurred to these judgemental people that maybe the seeker of casual sex knows that it's only a temporary solution and would like to have the more permanent one - but finds it stupid to turn down temporary relief because permanent would be better. And would we apply the same attitude to people with an severe illness, and demand that since there is a cure there will be no pain relief in the meantime?
But naturally, and this leads us to b), it is argued that finding temporary relief will somehow prevent you from finding the permanent solution - you can't have morphia now because then the chemotherapy won't happen. Yeah, right. The column uses, extensively, the kind of language that supports this attitude: "It's simply not worth wasting oneself, and risk getting an STD of some kind, from someone you can hardly remember afterwards"; "Behind the tiring liberation there is often a yearning for something different and genuine"; "Surely it's time we stop using and take care of each other instead." So, if we sleep with someone without what we share with them being 'real' (however that is defined), we waste ourselves? I didn't know I was finite in that sense (also, I wasn't aware that I risk an STD less if this is the real love affair of my life. Silly me, I thought that was a matter of safer sex). Furthermore, I don't accept that sex can be defined as genuine or not, using others or caring for others, simply based on how often it happens and how much we want this to be a permanent relationship.
I have had a lot of sex in my life, as constant readers of this LJ are fully aware. I'm not sure I've ever had a one-night stand - I pride myself on being a good picker of partners worth a second visit - but I have definitely had a number of very short affairs. Most of those are still my friends. I have also rarely had sex to alleviate my loneliness - I have been extensively blessed by not being lonely very often - but sometimes to alleviate someone else's loneliness. And why not? They're nice people, I care for them, why would I not offer them some quick comfort and mutual pleasure? If the columnist think that means they're using me, I'd like to state here that I don't object to being used that way. I am now in a loving and very happy marriage. Huh. Seems like my misspent youth didn't disqualify me for permanent love after all.
We are all lonely and afraid. If the ways in people deal with this troubles you, go offer companionship and help with the pain in other ways.