beltane reflections
Beltane, an ancient celebration of mysteries which continue to leave us awe of life giving creation, cycles of life and death, new beginnings, the passion and extacsy of spring. This is a beautiful time to look within, find new inspiration and celebrate with community. And, though I will try to do all these things, I'm a bit depressed this Beltane.
First, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Our story among the colonized minds of christian-ized humans has not changed much. It remains a tragedy circling around god the Father, high up above and fear of the mysteries of Her Creation. We understand ourselves as Different, and Special, as more Evolved. But more than anything, this story breeds disconnection from understanding of us as nature, a crippling fear of death and ultimately deep, painful alienation. And look where it has gotten this capitalist human world. Sometimes I feel utterly crushed at the state of things. Nothing changes. Even folks who on paper share my values and politics have often not really dug into their own lives, to examine how this disconnection has festered inside them, and how they need to rethink their own story.
We are helpless on this planet, utterly dependent on ecosystem processes of air, water, fire, earth and ether that we are slowly destroying. Like children in a rage kicking down the walls of their home. Desperate for healing, but for some reason also fighting against it violently. Things on the planet seem bleek these days, and there is no way around that.
I am stuck in a city where I cannot sustain myself if I had to. I see my life headed in that direction. I see a future for myself where I can be more self sufficient. I already know how to grow my own food and save seed, work with plant medicine, listen to the land and observe it. Permaculture is teaching me this, as has the years I've spent working with plants. But my deepest fear is that I won't get there in time and will be totally fucked. I get deep down in the mucky, nihlistic muckieness of it and then I remind myself that our fate is not separate from this planet, it is intertwined and that there is so much miracle in the cosmos and the human story is so tiny and no matter how big the bombs we build, we're teensy.
I've also become complacent with my personal spiritual practice. Why? I don't know. I'm not capable of discipline. I hate routine. Lots that I'm doing to change that. Getting ready to take on a two year course that will require me to develop a strong, regular practice and that will hold me accountable to it, and about to start a rites of passage class on Tuesday that I'm pretty jazzed about. But ugh...I'm presently totally lacking in inspiration. I'm burnt out. I've had a really hard, exhausting year. I'm not good at allowing myself rest and quiet when I really need it. I'm stressed about so many things. I really struggle with setting boundaries and not letting too much in, too many of these worldly problems...its hard to keep them out.
So, tomorrow is Beltane. I will go to ritual with my community. I will be open to not creating expectation around how I am SUPPOSED to experience this time of year. I'm holding space for my own experience with it.
UPDATE: Danced the maypole with wonderful people, feel rejuvenated. Maybe a little less depressed a about the state of the world, thanks to community :-) Happy BeltaneWalpurgisMayDay!
First, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Our story among the colonized minds of christian-ized humans has not changed much. It remains a tragedy circling around god the Father, high up above and fear of the mysteries of Her Creation. We understand ourselves as Different, and Special, as more Evolved. But more than anything, this story breeds disconnection from understanding of us as nature, a crippling fear of death and ultimately deep, painful alienation. And look where it has gotten this capitalist human world. Sometimes I feel utterly crushed at the state of things. Nothing changes. Even folks who on paper share my values and politics have often not really dug into their own lives, to examine how this disconnection has festered inside them, and how they need to rethink their own story.
We are helpless on this planet, utterly dependent on ecosystem processes of air, water, fire, earth and ether that we are slowly destroying. Like children in a rage kicking down the walls of their home. Desperate for healing, but for some reason also fighting against it violently. Things on the planet seem bleek these days, and there is no way around that.
I am stuck in a city where I cannot sustain myself if I had to. I see my life headed in that direction. I see a future for myself where I can be more self sufficient. I already know how to grow my own food and save seed, work with plant medicine, listen to the land and observe it. Permaculture is teaching me this, as has the years I've spent working with plants. But my deepest fear is that I won't get there in time and will be totally fucked. I get deep down in the mucky, nihlistic muckieness of it and then I remind myself that our fate is not separate from this planet, it is intertwined and that there is so much miracle in the cosmos and the human story is so tiny and no matter how big the bombs we build, we're teensy.
I've also become complacent with my personal spiritual practice. Why? I don't know. I'm not capable of discipline. I hate routine. Lots that I'm doing to change that. Getting ready to take on a two year course that will require me to develop a strong, regular practice and that will hold me accountable to it, and about to start a rites of passage class on Tuesday that I'm pretty jazzed about. But ugh...I'm presently totally lacking in inspiration. I'm burnt out. I've had a really hard, exhausting year. I'm not good at allowing myself rest and quiet when I really need it. I'm stressed about so many things. I really struggle with setting boundaries and not letting too much in, too many of these worldly problems...its hard to keep them out.
So, tomorrow is Beltane. I will go to ritual with my community. I will be open to not creating expectation around how I am SUPPOSED to experience this time of year. I'm holding space for my own experience with it.
UPDATE: Danced the maypole with wonderful people, feel rejuvenated. Maybe a little less depressed a about the state of the world, thanks to community :-) Happy BeltaneWalpurgisMayDay!