(no subject)
First of all, I'd like to thank everyone who left comments about my stationary business idea today. You guys brought up points for me to add, consider or improve, and that means so much to me. Please keep ideas, concerns and comments coming. Every little bit of feedback really helps me.
Lots of things are going on with me. First of all, I went to dinner with my Grandmother this evening, and in some places it got heated. I was very frank with her, and even though in some places I was really upset and angry, I managed to tell her what I had to tell her and not back down but also not have a fit and cry in the middle of the restaurant.
I know that my Grandmother is never going to change; it's not my aim to change her. It's been my aim to not get so hurt, to have better control of myself and the flow of conversation, and to find a way to balance the fact that I love her, and I know she loves me, and I want to find some way, some balanced path, in which I can have a relationship with her.
So, tonight, when she started on comments that were both hurtful and ridiculous, I did my best. I told her how I felt, and I told her the truth, and sometimes I changed the topic and just said it wasn't going to go any further. I was honest with her about my feelings, I didn't allow myself to get railroaded and walked all over, and yet I didn't go berserk or cry or lose control of myself. Was it a nice and lovely conversation and time together? No - it's never going to be. She's drunk, deluded, untruthful and insecure. Not to mention old, and probably suffering from physical pain, mental illness and dementia. It will probably never be nice, but I can still do my best to have something - whatever it is, as it is, the best it can possibly be.
Besides, there's a silver lining on every cloud if you look for it. In the middle of dinner, my grandmother suddenly got more lucid, and just started talking about how success comes from taking risks. She just started talking about how the best things she had done in her life had required taking chances. She started talking about seeing other people find success and happiness by following their heart's desire despite the risk that it took. Right now, when I feel like I'm taking a massive risk by looking down this road of working for myself in the stationary business, it seemed like the clouds parted and some higher power was talking directly to my fears and insecurities and saying, "Go for it."
I can't quite describe the feelings that I have in my just remembering and describing it. And, even more weirdly, the lyrics of the song I'm listening to _right now_ are saying, "And I know I'm right for the first time in my life." So many odd little clues, but. I've decided that I'm going to go for it and do it.
*crosses fingers*
I slept a lot today. I've been staying up very late (past 4 in the morning), working on these designs and this whole idea, so I've been waking up later in the day. I've been doing one, sometimes two, workouts a day, and I felt sore all over my body. I can feel the result of the volleyball games, especially, in my upper thighs. (Nothing helps tone your upper thighs more than jumping.) So I gave myself a day of rest, and it was good.
In fitness news? I'm really very pleased. I'm down to a size 20 for the first time in two years. I had to buy a bunch of new clothes yesterday, and I had to buy them all in size 20, since that's what fit. It's so exciting! It gives me the encouragement and pride to keep going. It's now down 60 pounds since about this time last year. 60 pounds in a year? I'll take it. I'm proud of myself.
I don't know where things are going, but they don't seem to be going badly. In fact, they seem to be going good, and I'll take that with infinite gratitude. If there's anything that's less that perfectly grateful or happy, I guess that it's a case of insecurity and fear. So many seems to be changing! I'm going to start my own business, my body is changing all over the place - I'm wearing a size 20 when I was wearing a size 26 last July - I'm living in a different way than I have before. Reaching out, being honest, being stronger, being more optimistic... all sorts of things.
I know I'm going in a better direction. I guess, when I'm alone at night like this, I just wish I had someone who would put their arms around me, hold me close, and tell me that it's all going to be alright, and that I'm doing a good job. All the hugs and encouragement I get... it's the honey and bread for the soul.
Lots of things are going on with me. First of all, I went to dinner with my Grandmother this evening, and in some places it got heated. I was very frank with her, and even though in some places I was really upset and angry, I managed to tell her what I had to tell her and not back down but also not have a fit and cry in the middle of the restaurant.
I know that my Grandmother is never going to change; it's not my aim to change her. It's been my aim to not get so hurt, to have better control of myself and the flow of conversation, and to find a way to balance the fact that I love her, and I know she loves me, and I want to find some way, some balanced path, in which I can have a relationship with her.
So, tonight, when she started on comments that were both hurtful and ridiculous, I did my best. I told her how I felt, and I told her the truth, and sometimes I changed the topic and just said it wasn't going to go any further. I was honest with her about my feelings, I didn't allow myself to get railroaded and walked all over, and yet I didn't go berserk or cry or lose control of myself. Was it a nice and lovely conversation and time together? No - it's never going to be. She's drunk, deluded, untruthful and insecure. Not to mention old, and probably suffering from physical pain, mental illness and dementia. It will probably never be nice, but I can still do my best to have something - whatever it is, as it is, the best it can possibly be.
Besides, there's a silver lining on every cloud if you look for it. In the middle of dinner, my grandmother suddenly got more lucid, and just started talking about how success comes from taking risks. She just started talking about how the best things she had done in her life had required taking chances. She started talking about seeing other people find success and happiness by following their heart's desire despite the risk that it took. Right now, when I feel like I'm taking a massive risk by looking down this road of working for myself in the stationary business, it seemed like the clouds parted and some higher power was talking directly to my fears and insecurities and saying, "Go for it."
I can't quite describe the feelings that I have in my just remembering and describing it. And, even more weirdly, the lyrics of the song I'm listening to _right now_ are saying, "And I know I'm right for the first time in my life." So many odd little clues, but. I've decided that I'm going to go for it and do it.
*crosses fingers*
I slept a lot today. I've been staying up very late (past 4 in the morning), working on these designs and this whole idea, so I've been waking up later in the day. I've been doing one, sometimes two, workouts a day, and I felt sore all over my body. I can feel the result of the volleyball games, especially, in my upper thighs. (Nothing helps tone your upper thighs more than jumping.) So I gave myself a day of rest, and it was good.
In fitness news? I'm really very pleased. I'm down to a size 20 for the first time in two years. I had to buy a bunch of new clothes yesterday, and I had to buy them all in size 20, since that's what fit. It's so exciting! It gives me the encouragement and pride to keep going. It's now down 60 pounds since about this time last year. 60 pounds in a year? I'll take it. I'm proud of myself.
I don't know where things are going, but they don't seem to be going badly. In fact, they seem to be going good, and I'll take that with infinite gratitude. If there's anything that's less that perfectly grateful or happy, I guess that it's a case of insecurity and fear. So many seems to be changing! I'm going to start my own business, my body is changing all over the place - I'm wearing a size 20 when I was wearing a size 26 last July - I'm living in a different way than I have before. Reaching out, being honest, being stronger, being more optimistic... all sorts of things.
I know I'm going in a better direction. I guess, when I'm alone at night like this, I just wish I had someone who would put their arms around me, hold me close, and tell me that it's all going to be alright, and that I'm doing a good job. All the hugs and encouragement I get... it's the honey and bread for the soul.