(no subject)
I've been reading through old entries, and it's so fun. I feel like I used to have more interesting things to say while I was in law school than I do now...and it's funny, because while I was in law school, I'd read old entries from college and think that in college I had more interesting things to say than while in law school. Is it just a "the grass is always greener" thing with respect to the past? Or is it really just that things have gotten a lot less interesting as I grow older?
I dunno. My life is good. Maybe not interesting, but it makes me really happy. I have a nice apartment, though I really need to get out of it and stop paying rent out the butt; I have a good job that's total cake and I know I'm going to cry my eyes out next year when I have to leave it; I have an awesome boyfriend and we're going to start living in sin soon, and I'm really excited about that; I have 2 adorable kitties who like to meow their faces off at me, which I love; apparently an adorable little townhouse with a fireplace is actually within my financial reach RIGHT NOW, which is really nice to know; I (think) I have enough money to buy Christmas presents, as long as I'm frugal and spend less than I've spent in the past; I have good friends and fun things to do; once I move out I can get a puppyyyy!
In the last few weeks I've grown increasingly more optimistic. I don't know what it is, but out of nowhere my thinking shifted from what I don't have (money, clothing I like, a body I want) to things I DO have (love, laughter, a place to sleep and shower, a way to clean my clothes so that I don't look or smell homeless, job security, access to an in-building gym that's open 24/7 to GET the body I want and the will power to stop eating all the crap that keeps me from getting it). How did this happen, and when? Is this what growing up is like?
Yeah, there are a lot of things I still want (money, a trip to Greece, amazing shoes and accessories and clothing), but that will all come. I'm certainly not destitute. And you know, I'm sure that I could go shopping a little more often (or..at all) if I didn't constantly give money away to homeless people. But you know...while I may not have much, I have enough. They have NOTHING. I really don't need a new top more than a homeless person needs that extra dollar (or two, or five, or thirty, or whatever it adds up to now) to be able to finish paying for the bottle of water he's come short on at the 7-11.
It's strange. There's a whooole lotta turmoil in my life right now, mostly related to money, and it's evidencing itself in my caloric intake again, because money issues are extraordinarily stressful...but everything else in my life really helps, somehow. I'm very much in love, and I'm very, very happy. I love my meow meows and they love me...and no, I'm still not a cat person. These are little doggies in kitty costumes, I swear. I swear to god Boy Cat barked last night. But anyway...yeah. I'm so happy. Is this how it's supposed to be? In hindsight, I think that I've never really been in love before this, because shouldn't love make it so that everything bad in your life seems bearable, shouldn't it make it so that you can see the light at the end of the tunnel? I've never been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel before, but now I can. I'm so optimistic, because with the way I feel, how could anything possibly be bad? I don't need luxury. Yes, of course, I WANT luxury - who doesn't? But I don't NEED it, and I'm perfectly ok without it.
When I was younger I used to have what I eventually grew to think of as a completely unrealistic expectation for love and my life. I used to tell people that I didn't care where I lived or how much money I had, so long as I had a person I loved with me. A direct quote from my diary, circa 7th grade: "I don't care if I live in a cardboard box, as long as he's with me, because he'll keep me dry from the rain and warm from the cold with his love." Stupid and mushy and childish, and as I got older and 'loved' people I stopped believing that; quote from my diary, circa freshman year of college: "Whoever said money can't buy you love is an idiot. You can't be happy if you don't have money, because you're always stressed out. All you do is fight and worry about money. Things won't be ok if you're homeless, no matter who's with you. It just can't work. You need money to make life ok, so that you can actually enjoy life with your loved ones."
And now...I'm back to the idealistic 7th grade mentality. It CAN work; yeah, it's hard. Of course it's hard, because who doesn't worry when there's barely any extra money at the end of the month after bills alone, and it's hard to buy food? But why does money have to be the actual key to happiness? Why do you have to spend money in order to enjoy life? Sitting on the couch talking and laughing is free, and enjoyable; maybe not with everyone, but certainly with the right person. Walking down the street is free, and when you're holding hands with someone you love, somehow everything you see and hear and smell is brighter, more vibrant, clearer. It was never like this before, and now it is.
There have been bad times...and they matter, of course they matter. But the fact that we can grow from them and be better for it, and the fact that they can happen and I can STILL feel this way? That matters more to me.
I should probably just shut up now. This got really long, and I think I went on a tangent somewhere, but I don't remember where. LOL. I have work to do, and I'm not staying past 5. Woooo! I'm happy! And I'm not apologizing for it! Woooo!
I dunno. My life is good. Maybe not interesting, but it makes me really happy. I have a nice apartment, though I really need to get out of it and stop paying rent out the butt; I have a good job that's total cake and I know I'm going to cry my eyes out next year when I have to leave it; I have an awesome boyfriend and we're going to start living in sin soon, and I'm really excited about that; I have 2 adorable kitties who like to meow their faces off at me, which I love; apparently an adorable little townhouse with a fireplace is actually within my financial reach RIGHT NOW, which is really nice to know; I (think) I have enough money to buy Christmas presents, as long as I'm frugal and spend less than I've spent in the past; I have good friends and fun things to do; once I move out I can get a puppyyyy!
In the last few weeks I've grown increasingly more optimistic. I don't know what it is, but out of nowhere my thinking shifted from what I don't have (money, clothing I like, a body I want) to things I DO have (love, laughter, a place to sleep and shower, a way to clean my clothes so that I don't look or smell homeless, job security, access to an in-building gym that's open 24/7 to GET the body I want and the will power to stop eating all the crap that keeps me from getting it). How did this happen, and when? Is this what growing up is like?
Yeah, there are a lot of things I still want (money, a trip to Greece, amazing shoes and accessories and clothing), but that will all come. I'm certainly not destitute. And you know, I'm sure that I could go shopping a little more often (or..at all) if I didn't constantly give money away to homeless people. But you know...while I may not have much, I have enough. They have NOTHING. I really don't need a new top more than a homeless person needs that extra dollar (or two, or five, or thirty, or whatever it adds up to now) to be able to finish paying for the bottle of water he's come short on at the 7-11.
It's strange. There's a whooole lotta turmoil in my life right now, mostly related to money, and it's evidencing itself in my caloric intake again, because money issues are extraordinarily stressful...but everything else in my life really helps, somehow. I'm very much in love, and I'm very, very happy. I love my meow meows and they love me...and no, I'm still not a cat person. These are little doggies in kitty costumes, I swear. I swear to god Boy Cat barked last night. But anyway...yeah. I'm so happy. Is this how it's supposed to be? In hindsight, I think that I've never really been in love before this, because shouldn't love make it so that everything bad in your life seems bearable, shouldn't it make it so that you can see the light at the end of the tunnel? I've never been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel before, but now I can. I'm so optimistic, because with the way I feel, how could anything possibly be bad? I don't need luxury. Yes, of course, I WANT luxury - who doesn't? But I don't NEED it, and I'm perfectly ok without it.
When I was younger I used to have what I eventually grew to think of as a completely unrealistic expectation for love and my life. I used to tell people that I didn't care where I lived or how much money I had, so long as I had a person I loved with me. A direct quote from my diary, circa 7th grade: "I don't care if I live in a cardboard box, as long as he's with me, because he'll keep me dry from the rain and warm from the cold with his love." Stupid and mushy and childish, and as I got older and 'loved' people I stopped believing that; quote from my diary, circa freshman year of college: "Whoever said money can't buy you love is an idiot. You can't be happy if you don't have money, because you're always stressed out. All you do is fight and worry about money. Things won't be ok if you're homeless, no matter who's with you. It just can't work. You need money to make life ok, so that you can actually enjoy life with your loved ones."
And now...I'm back to the idealistic 7th grade mentality. It CAN work; yeah, it's hard. Of course it's hard, because who doesn't worry when there's barely any extra money at the end of the month after bills alone, and it's hard to buy food? But why does money have to be the actual key to happiness? Why do you have to spend money in order to enjoy life? Sitting on the couch talking and laughing is free, and enjoyable; maybe not with everyone, but certainly with the right person. Walking down the street is free, and when you're holding hands with someone you love, somehow everything you see and hear and smell is brighter, more vibrant, clearer. It was never like this before, and now it is.
There have been bad times...and they matter, of course they matter. But the fact that we can grow from them and be better for it, and the fact that they can happen and I can STILL feel this way? That matters more to me.
I should probably just shut up now. This got really long, and I think I went on a tangent somewhere, but I don't remember where. LOL. I have work to do, and I'm not staying past 5. Woooo! I'm happy! And I'm not apologizing for it! Woooo!