Free
Free....Free...Free...Free...Free...Free...Free...Free...Free...Free...Free
Free...how is it that I am free?
These last couple of years have been so hard for me and I have time after time kept hitting the same brick wall and I thought that I truely was never going to get out of the pattern...
It almost makes me want to cry because as I think of all the things that have happened and so forth I just thank God that he brought me through with my sanity. There have definetly been some times where I thought that I could not go on and I had to break down and pray..."We fall down but we get up"...the best part is that I don't play the blame game and I am not angry in any shape way or form! I have always assumed that I was over alot of things but I was just saying that to make myself feel better about my blind stupidity...and I don't have to do that any more...now I will be honest I am not 100% happy just because I am a little bit lonely but not lonely enough to go back to things that had me miserable! I am no longer a child so I am going to put away childish things and this hanging on to one guy who really doesn't pay you any attention and could care less about you type deal is not going to work for me. Kevin is a nice person maybe not to me on a regular basis but I pray for him inspite of it all because he taught me somethings that I will never forget...some life long lessons and I truely thank him whole heartly for that. I really wish him success and happiness in everything that he does because if I am bitter with him I am just holding myself back from my own future happiness. I don't even see life the same I actually want to see where mine is going to lead. I think the reason for a lot of my life trauma was because I stop praying everyday and thats my fault cause you can see things so clear when you do...I'm going to get back on that. I am so happy that I am now realizing my self worth...your friends can tell you all day what you are...oh your funny...your a good friend...your a great person you deserve better...but if you don't know it for yourself what then?..I remembered this summer when I got my second tattoo...I got it because I was going through some things and I kept listening to the song "Beautiful You Are" but Marcus Houston and IMX and it really lifted my spirits and that song describes how things really should be and my mother asked me why I got the tattoo Beautiful on my wrist she said well you can look in the mirror and see that everyday...I told her that some times you need to be reminded and if that what it took for me to see myself as more than a bedside associate than so be it...Not everyone has the luxury of waking up everyday and feeling like they are somebody, loved, or beautiful! Not saying that I have low self-esteem I am very confident in myself and my abilities but I have my flaws just like everyone else...and it just took me 20 soon to be 21 years to figure what the real problem was. My heart isn't hurting anymore and I think thats the best part of it all...it doesn't hurt that I couldn't be with the one person I have ever really loved because that wasn't ment to happen and thats okay with me now. It doesn't hurt that I am left out at times and that I get to watch my friends be happy with whom ever that doesn't effect me any more thank God! I am just content at where I am and the progress for where I am going. Knowing that everything happens in time and that there one day will be someone in my life and right now thats just not what I need so I am just leaving the situation alone.
I met me on Monday
was confused on Tuesday
hurt on Wednesday
changing for the better on Thursday
fell on Friday
got up on Saturday
Realized that I am worth more than I was being offered on Sunday
I am now seeing that all those times when I claimed..."Why me?"...I should have been asking..."Why not me?"..these things we go through are not to break up but to build us as a person!
Life is so worth living and I can't pretend as if it wasn't...Its like the part of my heart that has been hurting for so long is just fine now and I don't have to search for something I have had all along. No one can mend a broken heart but the person with the broken heart...I walked around for years with mine thinking that someone else was suppose to fix it...but if you don't allow that wound to heal thats all on you...you can't keep letting a scrap heal and keep allowing yourself to pull the scab off...it's redundent!
Well its about that time I think that I need to be going I just had to write this down cause it came to be out of the blue and since I was already logged on why not place these words on these precious pages where I know they will be safe.
P.s.
Somebody go listen to Beautiful You Are by Marcus Houston technically IMX it is really a wonderful song!
Goodnight,
LOVE/ALWAYS
Heather Price