BCDs
Today was what I refer to as a BCD - a "Bad Cancer Day."
While I think about cancer (and not just cancer in any general sense, but MY cancer) every day, it is not always a BCD. BCDs are the rare kind of day where it feels like cancer is it- it defines me, gave birth to my identity, and will be the literal end of me. To everyone else I seem exactly the same, but on BCDs I know I am not. Cancer engulfs me, whether I want it to or not. I go on going to class, chatting with friends, doing work, etc as usual, but inside all that I feel is Cancer.
Today was the culmination of a few events. First, the discovery that a friend of mine has recently been diagnosed with several cancers and might not make it for very long, after being cancer-free for several years. And I've been cancer-free for less than one year. Second, feeling a bump in my neck. While most likely only a swollen lymph node or gland, it still unnerved me (and is still there). Third, beginning to schedule my test in Marcj to see if I am still cancer-free. It will be my first test since August, which feels like an awful long time ago. Even if the results of the test were completely inconsequential, the tests itself are very annoying (five days of visiting the hospital, 2 shots, 3 blood tests, 1 painful ultrasound, 1 MRI, 1 hour of laying as still as possible, 1 dose of radiation, and 1 wasted spring break, not to mention 2 weeks of the most ridiculous diet ever).
Thus, today I am feeling the unfortunate, self-pitying, depressing affects of a BCD. I wanted to end this post with a positive note, something like "but after several years of dealing with days like these, I am now able to handle them in a healthy way and turn them into something good"... but that would be a lie.
While I think about cancer (and not just cancer in any general sense, but MY cancer) every day, it is not always a BCD. BCDs are the rare kind of day where it feels like cancer is it- it defines me, gave birth to my identity, and will be the literal end of me. To everyone else I seem exactly the same, but on BCDs I know I am not. Cancer engulfs me, whether I want it to or not. I go on going to class, chatting with friends, doing work, etc as usual, but inside all that I feel is Cancer.
Today was the culmination of a few events. First, the discovery that a friend of mine has recently been diagnosed with several cancers and might not make it for very long, after being cancer-free for several years. And I've been cancer-free for less than one year. Second, feeling a bump in my neck. While most likely only a swollen lymph node or gland, it still unnerved me (and is still there). Third, beginning to schedule my test in Marcj to see if I am still cancer-free. It will be my first test since August, which feels like an awful long time ago. Even if the results of the test were completely inconsequential, the tests itself are very annoying (five days of visiting the hospital, 2 shots, 3 blood tests, 1 painful ultrasound, 1 MRI, 1 hour of laying as still as possible, 1 dose of radiation, and 1 wasted spring break, not to mention 2 weeks of the most ridiculous diet ever).
Thus, today I am feeling the unfortunate, self-pitying, depressing affects of a BCD. I wanted to end this post with a positive note, something like "but after several years of dealing with days like these, I am now able to handle them in a healthy way and turn them into something good"... but that would be a lie.