(no subject)
God i'm not ready for that i guess. It's too bad because i was doing really good. But i think what really pissed me off more than the fact that it was him--though i admit that doesn't help the situation-- was that i would totally be chewed out for that situation. It would never be "fine" or "my choice" to go talk to some guy during friend time or during a movie or whenever. Nope. But its fine for her. I'm just so sick of that. And maybe its in my head. quite possible. But annoying none the less. And the fact that i feel like she puts in an appearance and then has other plans made to rush off to. and i'm putting this in here and not in my journal upstairs because if she chances apon this, please take it to heart. Know that i get frustrated that when i'm trying so hard to be your friend i don't feel it coming back. I'm not mad at you or angry with you just so fed up with feeling like the second choice, to anything else. Be it him or better friends or whatever, its never me. I don't fit in anywhere fully. I never have. I don't know if i ever will. People like me for a while, but not the whole me. Not the super passionate, easily angered, wanting to right the wrongs me. Not the depressed me. And i don't always love that second part, but i love that first me. I don't care if i piss people off to say my piece. But i feel like my own friends roll their eyes as if i'm just being angry for the hell of it. I don't even know. I'm a pleasure whore, as Katie would say. I want others approval. And until i can shake that off i'll never really be me. I can't make major decsions. And some are coming up soon. I need to know who I am, and what i want, and i can't let anyone else come into play. Its got to be me. and i don't know who that is. and i don't think i'll find it trying to please a friend who will drop me like a fly for some boy whos broken her heart, and mine, and would do it all again for a fast meet. Ok loves...and i do love you both. More than i can understand. But thats what happens when someone gets into your life and under your skin. It makes it that much harder for you to move on, or to let the little things go. I have to expect more, or protect myself from you. I'd rather be mad than hurt some more. I'd rather cut you off than feel like i'm being phased out. I don't know what to do.