i'm an idiot.
do you ever feel like you're just the biggest idiot on earth. like every choice you've ever made, every action ever initiated, every word uttered... just complete shit? it shocks me how little i retain "life lessons". i'm not going on about this because of a recent event or anything, just a general musing on my life. i mean, i've dated some of the biggest creeps and stuck with them far longer than i should have, and dated some of the best guys on earth and totally screwed it up. likewise with jobs, apartments, friends, shoes, ad nauseum. so what is it? am i on some self destructive annihilation spree? that's lasted 26 years? that's a little excessive, not even the best serial killers made it that long. and yet here i am, hating my latest path i've chosen. what the hell made me think i would like law? i have the attention span of a parakeet! i'm not meant to be stuck in a library or an office reading books and underlining tiny little words and analyzing documents thinker than my favorite magazine. i think it's time that i realized that i'm an inherently shallow person who should just concern herself with pretty shiny things. i like things that sparkle, it's the raccoon in me. hence the eyeliner.
egads.
if only i could make everything ~poof~ be exactly the way i want it. live in NYC with leetlechacha and have fabulous shoes and a great loft with a patio and just make crafts and stuff all day that i sell for a living and hang out with my beloved and go see his shows and plays and go for walks in CP and do weekends at rockaway beach... heh heh. perhaps i should have had a trust fund. because i sure as hell don't ever take the time out to work for anything.
oi... i think that one of the big huge things about becoming (or realizing) that you're an adult is when you realize you can't always have your way. it won't always be perfect, and you have to make do. make the best out of your situation. and i've come to understand that, sort of. but with me, my big life decisions were always influenced by other people. i've never lived on my own, i've never made decisions based on what I want to do, always based on how they would affect the person i was with, or my parents. i've never been able to say: this is what i wanna do, and i'm going to do it - and then actually do it. and it's no one's fault but my own.
now, i'm saving money and looking for a job n'at in NYC, b/c that's where i've always wanted to go, more than i wanted to go to SF. and it's mad, b/c i feel the need to be in a relationship, to have someone to cuddle with, and i cannot do that b/c i'm deadset on finally doing something all on my own, without any influence. maybe it's b/c i was with scott for so long, that i'm used to having someone there and sharing everything... but that's thouroghly over thanks to me, so here i am, trying to avoid human contact and save money to move and it's driving me mad. which makes me shop. which Totally thwarts my saving money routine. 'cause baby, i can shop. it's frightening. mothers drag their children away and shield their eyes. but, back to the original point. why the hell am i so co-dependent?
really i am. i seem like such an independent girl, even b, the current boytoy calls me a real "independent lady" (he's younger, so, whatever). but i'm not, i'm completely dependent on the advice and approval of another person. but it's something i have to absolutely get over.
i think that's why i ruined evrything with scott. he was wonderful in every way, but i was so young when we got together, that i felt that i hadn't lived, hadn't been independent, and really, i have a tendency to adopt personas very easily (the actor in me) so i changed a lot of who i was and what i wanted while with him and also with my friends. and it's really awful to do that, because suppressing who you are just makes you crazy, which is what i've been for about two years now. well, crazier than usual. i'm absolutely nuts b'c i have NO idea what i want to do with my life. and how can you be 26 and not even have a clue. not even an inkling. not even a faint granny whisper.
short list of what i want to do:
act
write a novel
do costumes
make fabulous accessories and sell them at high end shops.
okay, that's it. other than being an international superstar. and i know that i can easily do these things, so what's my damage heather? hmmm? did i leave my motivation at some rest stop in bakersfield? maybe i need more iron in my diet or something.
maybe i should quit whining and sitting on the internet until 3 in the morning and just get my shit together.
crap. now i want to go buy some shoes. if only there were a long's here... 24 hour therapy. yum.
do you think there's a career where i can shop all day and read and glitter things and look cute. other than trophy wife, that is.
garrrr.
it's just that i have an idea of how i want everything to be and how it should work and how it should look. am i just a spoiled brat b/c i complain if everything doesn't go my way and it's not the way it is in movies?
yes. a gazillion times yes.
all i want is good food, good sex, good love, good shoes and someone that will get me a glass of water. and i've had it. and i'm an idiot for so many reasons, but most of all b/c i don't want to settle for anything less than the insanity of my imaginary world.
hrumph. i'm an idiot.
egads.
if only i could make everything ~poof~ be exactly the way i want it. live in NYC with leetlechacha and have fabulous shoes and a great loft with a patio and just make crafts and stuff all day that i sell for a living and hang out with my beloved and go see his shows and plays and go for walks in CP and do weekends at rockaway beach... heh heh. perhaps i should have had a trust fund. because i sure as hell don't ever take the time out to work for anything.
oi... i think that one of the big huge things about becoming (or realizing) that you're an adult is when you realize you can't always have your way. it won't always be perfect, and you have to make do. make the best out of your situation. and i've come to understand that, sort of. but with me, my big life decisions were always influenced by other people. i've never lived on my own, i've never made decisions based on what I want to do, always based on how they would affect the person i was with, or my parents. i've never been able to say: this is what i wanna do, and i'm going to do it - and then actually do it. and it's no one's fault but my own.
now, i'm saving money and looking for a job n'at in NYC, b/c that's where i've always wanted to go, more than i wanted to go to SF. and it's mad, b/c i feel the need to be in a relationship, to have someone to cuddle with, and i cannot do that b/c i'm deadset on finally doing something all on my own, without any influence. maybe it's b/c i was with scott for so long, that i'm used to having someone there and sharing everything... but that's thouroghly over thanks to me, so here i am, trying to avoid human contact and save money to move and it's driving me mad. which makes me shop. which Totally thwarts my saving money routine. 'cause baby, i can shop. it's frightening. mothers drag their children away and shield their eyes. but, back to the original point. why the hell am i so co-dependent?
really i am. i seem like such an independent girl, even b, the current boytoy calls me a real "independent lady" (he's younger, so, whatever). but i'm not, i'm completely dependent on the advice and approval of another person. but it's something i have to absolutely get over.
i think that's why i ruined evrything with scott. he was wonderful in every way, but i was so young when we got together, that i felt that i hadn't lived, hadn't been independent, and really, i have a tendency to adopt personas very easily (the actor in me) so i changed a lot of who i was and what i wanted while with him and also with my friends. and it's really awful to do that, because suppressing who you are just makes you crazy, which is what i've been for about two years now. well, crazier than usual. i'm absolutely nuts b'c i have NO idea what i want to do with my life. and how can you be 26 and not even have a clue. not even an inkling. not even a faint granny whisper.
short list of what i want to do:
act
write a novel
do costumes
make fabulous accessories and sell them at high end shops.
okay, that's it. other than being an international superstar. and i know that i can easily do these things, so what's my damage heather? hmmm? did i leave my motivation at some rest stop in bakersfield? maybe i need more iron in my diet or something.
maybe i should quit whining and sitting on the internet until 3 in the morning and just get my shit together.
crap. now i want to go buy some shoes. if only there were a long's here... 24 hour therapy. yum.
do you think there's a career where i can shop all day and read and glitter things and look cute. other than trophy wife, that is.
garrrr.
it's just that i have an idea of how i want everything to be and how it should work and how it should look. am i just a spoiled brat b/c i complain if everything doesn't go my way and it's not the way it is in movies?
yes. a gazillion times yes.
all i want is good food, good sex, good love, good shoes and someone that will get me a glass of water. and i've had it. and i'm an idiot for so many reasons, but most of all b/c i don't want to settle for anything less than the insanity of my imaginary world.
hrumph. i'm an idiot.