Episode 20: "Confessions" Scene 1
Scene 1
Author:
lalagirl33
Disclaimer: Based on characters and situations created by Winnie Holzman and owned by the Bedford Falls Production company.
Rated: T
Summary: What happens after Brian and Angela and Jordan go their separate ways after episode 19?
A/N: REVIEWS ARE LOVED!! Enjoy. First Fan-fic
Disclaimer: Based on characters and situations created by Winnie Holzman.
Here's a quick recap on the players and what happened in the previous episode:
Angela: main character (Claire Danes) in love with Jordan Catalano
Jordan: Love interest for Angela. Recently got drunk and slept with Angela's best friend Rayanne. He knows he made a mistake, and tries to apologize to her and fails. So he convinced his tutor, Brian Krakow, to write a letter apologizing for him. Angela loved the letter and has just forgiven him.
Rickie: Angela, Rayanne, & Brian's friend. Tells Angela that it was Brian that wrote "the letter", not Jordan. Urges Angela to talk to Brian.
Brian: Brian Krakow--Angela's neighbor. Has a huge crush on Angela but cannot express his feelings for her out of fear of rejection. A very bright kid--he also tutors Jordan.
My So-Called Life
Season 1 Episode 20
“Confessions”
Scene 1
Int. Jordan’s Car
Angela and Jordan have just left Brian’s house. Angela and Jordan have a lot to talk about. Angela knows the truth about the letter, and Jordan knows that Angela knows. And then there’s the Rayanne and Jordan thing. Angela was standing with Brian in Brian’s front yard. She had just confronted Brian about the letter revealing his true feelings for her when Jordan arrived and asked Angela to join him for a drive. Angela agrees, leaving her conversation with Brian unfinished and hanging in the air. As Jordan pulls away from the curb, Angela turns away from Brian who is standing in the street. She takes a deep breath.
Jordan: So where do you want to go? Jordan looks over at Angela.
Angela: I don’t know. Where is there *to* go?
Jordan: I know a place.
They drive in silence. Angela tucks her hair and steals glances at Jordan. Jordan runs his hand through his hair and steals nervous glances at Angela. Finally they catch each other’s glance and stare intently at each other. Jordan pulls the car over.
Angela: Jordan, what are you…..
Jordan: Shhhh. Jordan raises his finger to her lips, cups her chin in his hand and slowly, they close the distance that separates them. They kiss, softly at first, then more urgently. They pull away in unison.
Jordan: I’ve been wanting to do that since I saw you tonight.
Jordan resumes driving. Angela bites her lip, smiles self-consciously, does a hair tuck.
Jordan drives on, silence.
Int. Loft
Jordan: Everyone’s out tonight. Tino’s having a party, so it should be empty. I thought we could you know, talk.
Jordan looks uncertainly at Angela, and starts biting his thumbnail nervously. He turns his back to her and crosses the room towards the hammock.
Angela’s eyes follow him across the room. Jordan walks to the hammock where he sits down. Angela follows him.
Angela, (standing and looking around, with her back to Jordan): So this is where you practice ….
Jordan: (at the same time) So like, I’ve never really had a girlfriend before. (Angela turns to face Jordan) I mean, like, there’s been girls, (looks away from Angela) but not anyone I really like, (looks at Angela) cared about or whatever.
Angela, brow wrinkled, nods her head, but says nothing.
Jordan, (alternately looking at Angela and looking away at Angela): Yeah. (Pause) So like, (looks at Angela) I know I really hurt you and all, and that what I did was wrong. (Looks away from Angela) And you have every right, to like hate me. I deserve it.
Angela looks away. Angela looks around them, avoiding his glance with an uncomfortable look on her face. She looks around for a place to sit. Jordan moves over and makes room on the hammock, Angela exhales, and sits next to him. Jordan leans back into the hammock and his weight causes them both to slowly fall backwards.
Jordan, slowly (Jordan is lying back on the hammock, with Angela lying next to him. His feet are planted on the floor. Both are looking up at the ceiling. Haltingly):I always saw you talking to that Corey Helfrick kid. It really, you know, like bothered me or something. And so that night, I wanted to get drunk. (Pause) It just really hurt. I didn’t know, like, what to do. I felt like, helpless, or something. (Pause) And I didn’t like it. So I got drunk. (Mutters) Lotta good that did me…
Because, like all I could think about all day was… (Pauses as he searches for the right words) how bad I felt, how much I wanted you, how I thought that you wanted him, and how I thought that you and me, we would never be the way I wanted us to be, since I thought that you liked him…or whatever... (Trails off, he is expecting a response or encouragement from Angela, receiving none, he exhales, and continues).
Jordan (more quickly): And I drank, you know, like, thinking that would help, and you know Angela, I don’t really drink, you know, to like, get drunk, like (sarcastically) some people. But I got drunk that night. I just wanted to forget about all of it. (Angrily) How much it all sucked. I just wanted to forget.
Jordan exhales slowly. Angela’s face is pained, but still she says nothing.
Jordan: (rushing, he is forcing the words out) I ran into Rayanne Graff. And we started drinking together. And, it just happened. (Pause)You know like my motto, whatever happens, happens. Well, I wish it hadn’t Angela. Honestly. But it did. If I hadn’t been drinking so much…well, anyway. (Angela looks like she is going to cry).
Jordan: (looks down at Angela’s head, his frustration carrying in his voice) And then, I like, didn’t know what to say to you. Like, I had all these dreams, where I would like, say the right things, and you’d forgive me. But I like, knew that it wasn’t possible, (angrily) that I would screw it up. Every time I tried, like after Katimsky’s that time, I wanted to talk to you, but I like, couldn’t get the words out, because I like, knew they’d just come out all wrong, and I’d just make it worse. And then I figured you found out anyway. I couldn’t think about anything else. I just wanted, like, all of it to go away, go back to how it was before. When I had a chance. When we had a chance.
Angela is listening intently. She rubs her head with her hand and closes her eyes, but still says nothing. Jordan looks down at the top of her head, then looks upwards for a long moment, he is hoping for some sort of feedback. After the silence stretches, he closes his eyes, sighs heavily.
Jordan: So then, like, Brain wrote the letter. (Long Pause. Sigh) I like, practically begged him to help me, because, you know, he’s so smart. (Quietly) But you probably, like, figured that out.
Jordan(runs his hands through his hair, frustrated) I like, was going to tell you that I didn’t write it, but…I wanted you to think that I wrote it. (Strongly) Because *I* wanted to think that I wrote it, that I could do something like that….for you…and because I meant it, even though I didn’t write it, I meant each word. After I read it, I couldn’t *not* give it to you. (He looks at Angela, holds his hand out to touch her, and lets it fall) It didn’t matter who wrote it, because I meant every word. And I…like…I…needed you to have it.
(Pauses, closes his eyes, and continues) And so like tonight, when I was talking to your mom, and I think, that like, my philosophy is OK for some situations. But if you like, always let things happen, then you aren’t really getting what *you* want. Like that night. That’s not what I really wanted. And like, with my friends. Like we always do the same stupid stuff, and it’s like, you go, because you think something exciting is going to happen, but it’s not going to. Unless you make it happen.
Angela (Nodding her head, she looks amazed): Yeah, you know, that is *so true*.
Jordan (practically cutting her off):So like, I was talking to your mom, and it was like, sometimes, you don’t think you need something, or someone, until it’s not there, but you’re wrong. And I know I’m still not, like, saying this right, or whatever…
Angela (interrupts, finally responds, turning her head to face him):No, Jordan, this is exactly right. Why couldn’t you just tell me this yourself? Why did you have to get *Brian Krakow* to write me a letter?
Angela (struggles to sit upright so she can meet his gaze): Jordan…what you just said… is better than the letter. I mean, you are actually, like, telling me why things happened, which is so much better than me like, trying to analyze everything on my own and trying to figure out what’s going on by myself.
Jordan smiles, unsure of himself, and Angela smiles back. His smile brightens, and he reaches up a hand to stroke her cheek. Angela pulls away. Angela’s smile fades and her face is serious.
Angela: I just like, need to know a few things though. (As she speaks, Angela’s chin begins to tremble. Angela pulls her legs up and hugs her knees to her chest. Jordan shifts in the hammock, his face is concerned, as he watches her).
Angela: I just like, need to know. (Pause. Voice breaks) Why Rayanne? Why anyone? (Voice rises, she is starting to cry) I mean, I don’t know which was worse, you with her or her with you, or you with anyone at all? (Angrily) I mean, I know we weren’t like together, but……otherwise, why would you feel jealous of Corey Helfrick? Who by the way, I am not interested in. (she sniffles and a tear runs down her face)
Jordan: (leans forward to her, loudly)No. No! I mean, no, I’m not into Rayanne Graff, if that’s what you mean. And I mean, like I said. (He wipes the tear from her cheek with his thumb. Softly) Maybe Brain’s right, that I did have an unconscious wish to like, punish you, or whatever.
I just, was so mad at myself because of the whole thing. Me. The way I am…and, like, the way I’m not. How I’d had you and given all that up, and like now, I realize how much…how much I really miss you.
Maybe because...I mean, I thought you were gone…and that I couldn’t have what I really wanted. So maybe she was, like, my substitute or whatever. For you. She was like upset too, like, she didn’t think she could have what she wanted either? I don’t know, God this sucks...
(Pause)
God, I wish I could take it back. (Long pause) It doesn’t have to be a big deal, I mean, it is, (catches Angela’s hand, squeezes, and drops it. He holds his gaze to hers) but it’s not…because it…I mean…she…whatever, it, meant nothing to me, Angela. And I’m glad you don’t like Corey….
A door slamming shut below and muffled voices carry through to the upstairs. Jordan and Angela exchange surprised and horrified glances as they realize that one of the voices is Rayanne’s. They both jump off the hammock. Jordan puts his hands out to still it from swinging. Footsteps are climbing the stairs.
Angela: (anxiously) Is that Rayanne?! I don’t want to talk to her! We have to get out of here!
Jordan: (whispering) Angela, sshhhh. (He takes her hand) There’s only one way out, and they’re on it. I parked my car around back.
He quickly turns out the light and leads her across the room to a dark corner.
Jordan:They probably don’t know we’re here. They probably just need to get something, and then they’ll leave. Come on.