THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH.
the sound of rain falling on a lake when you are swimming.
a spider walking on the water.
there are not enough words to say anything. my heart feels exhausted but still wanting to go on. this new thing of being true and listening to myself is scary and exhilarating. i feel this hope, this not giving up. somehow i lived through the scariest and loneliest feelings i have ever felt. i purposely, actively figured out how to live through them. and probably i will feel them again, and maybe worse, and the older you get the more things hurt, so far, it seems. maybe that is true. but this is what it means to be a person. or to be the person i am. to feel things so strong but i would not ever give that up for anything.
realizing i will always have my own self. realizing that is everything i have, and it has to be enough. the quote from that crimethinc poster - 'beauty must be defined as what we are, or else the very concept is our enemy.' yes. this is what i have been learning this summer.
to hold myself in my own hands.
i read aspazija's beautiful play called 'the silver veil'. when guna turns red, when her heart catches on fire, she proclaims:
Ne soli neiešu.
Man ne pret vienu vairs nav jāatkapjas.
Es savas liesmas atkal augsti kuru,
Es pati sevi atkal rokā turu!
or...
I will not move.
I need not stand aside for anyone.
I hold my flames above me,
I hold myself in my own hands.
a spider walking on the water.
there are not enough words to say anything. my heart feels exhausted but still wanting to go on. this new thing of being true and listening to myself is scary and exhilarating. i feel this hope, this not giving up. somehow i lived through the scariest and loneliest feelings i have ever felt. i purposely, actively figured out how to live through them. and probably i will feel them again, and maybe worse, and the older you get the more things hurt, so far, it seems. maybe that is true. but this is what it means to be a person. or to be the person i am. to feel things so strong but i would not ever give that up for anything.
realizing i will always have my own self. realizing that is everything i have, and it has to be enough. the quote from that crimethinc poster - 'beauty must be defined as what we are, or else the very concept is our enemy.' yes. this is what i have been learning this summer.
to hold myself in my own hands.
i read aspazija's beautiful play called 'the silver veil'. when guna turns red, when her heart catches on fire, she proclaims:
Ne soli neiešu.
Man ne pret vienu vairs nav jāatkapjas.
Es savas liesmas atkal augsti kuru,
Es pati sevi atkal rokā turu!
or...
I will not move.
I need not stand aside for anyone.
I hold my flames above me,
I hold myself in my own hands.