The Long Journey Home (1/2)
Pairing: Dean/Sam
Rating: PG for now, moving towards NC-17 in the second part
Warning: Slash. Wincest.
Summary: Defining moments of Sam’s life.
Beta: Acostilow
Feedback: Please (bats eyelashes shamelessly)
Dedication: To Valentinesecret for the sweet thoughts and icon.
Three
Sam’s first memory is actually a taste. He remembers the baby food he used to eat. His favorite was Gerber’s mashed potatoes and carrots. He doesn’t remember Dean spoon-feeding him but he knows his brother did it more often than not. There’s a reason why his first word had been “Dean” and not “Dad”, after all…
Four
Sam’s first visual memory is of himself playing in a sandbox. They were staying with family, aunt Joanne -his mother’s younger sister- and uncle Teddy. He can’t recall what their house looked like, only that he loved their garden, especially the sandbox. He clearly remembers sitting there, grabbing sand in his little fist before deliberately putting as much as he could in his mouth. He can still picture Dean rinsing his mouth with orange juice while he coughed and cried, and his older bro wiping his nose with his clean shirt-sleeve. But his most vivid memory is that through the whole thing, Dean kept saying he’s sorry, that it won’t happen again, that he only left Sam alone for a minute but he won’t ever again, that he’ll never let anything hurt him. And for the longest time, Dean kept his promise.
Six
Dean’s favorite game is Cowboys and Indians. Sam’s is Hide and Seek, but he loves pleasing his older bro. They both have the adequate costumes; still, somehow, Sam’s always the Indian. Dean claims it’s because the cowboy hat is too big for Sam’s head…
It doesn’t really matter to the younger boy, after all. They are camping a lot these days and the tent and the woods are a perfect setting for these games. One day, Dean, who’s nothing if not conciliatory (especially for an older brother), decides to mix their favorite games together. They will dress up, Dean as a Sheriff and Sam as a Chief, split ways in the woods and then look for one another.
So, off they go, Dean to the east and Sam to the west, both silently counting to one hundred before trying to catch the other unaware. In his moccasins, Sam is really careful to be as quiet as his father has taught him when they go hunting deer. After a few minutes, he finds his brother’s trail like the good little scout he is. Dean’s plastic pistol is out of its holster and his back is turned. But Sam figures that Indians don’t play by the rules and that there’s nothing wrong with “shooting” him in the back. After all, it’s not really cheating, since a bullet is supposed to be faster than an arrow. He doesn’t stand a chance if he makes his presence known, Dean’s too sharp a shooter to miss him, even if the gun is a fake and Dean will have to voice the “bang”. So, Sam arms his plastic bow and shoots one wooden and perfectly innocuous arrow. He can’t help yelping in joy when it hits Dean in the middle of his back. His older brother turns towards Sam in surprise and raises his gun, but before he can “fire”, he falls on the grass, “dead”.
Sam is all smiles as he moves closer, with full bragging rights. He stands above Dean, who’s still lying on the ground with his eyes closed, his useless pistol dropped by his side. Sam giggles and tells him the Chief has won and the Sheriff can get up now. But Dean stays unmoving and silent. Frowning, Sam crouches next to him and shakes his shoulder. Still, nothing happens, and now Sam’s frantic, dropping his bow and using both hands to shake his brother. Soon, he’s crying and begging Dean to wake up, convinced he’s somehow fatally wounded his brother. Only then does Dean open his eyes and stops pretending to be dead. Sam should be mad but he’s just so relieved. As Dean hugs him saying he thought Sammy knew he was pretending, the younger boy still trembles with fear against his chest. They never play Cowboys and Indians again after that. To this day, Sam hates bows.
Seven
It’s Sam’s seventh birthday and he’s never been this excited. All the kids from the trailer park where they’re living now have been invited, and there’s even a clown. There’s also a big piñata because they’re in Santa Fe and their neighbor Mrs. Castillo explained that a birthday without a piñata wasn’t a real one. For weeks, Dean helped Sam rehearse hitting the thing. He lent Sam his baseball bat, placed a blindfold over his eyes and taught him to hit a ball hanging from a tree by listening to the sound the object made as it crossed the air. It made Sammy feel like Luke Skywalker in “Star Wars” in that scene with Obi-wan. Dad had said it was a good exercise, but Sam didn’t really get what he meant by that. He’s so well prepared that when the day comes, he hits the piñata in one shot and candies pour all over him while the other kids shout. After getting rid of the blindfold, the first thing he sees is Dean beaming at him with pride. Sam smiles back a little too long and the kids have almost collected all the sweets on the ground when he finally tears his gaze away from his brother. But Sammy doesn’t really care if he doesn’t get any candy. He’s never been happier.
Ten
Dean is Sam’s hero. Dean is pretty much everybody’s hero these days because he plays football like a god. He’s fast and incredibly agile with the ball and the best recruit Mangrove’s team ever got. The state tournament is approaching and Dean is the town’s best chance of ever winning. Being the little brother of the local hero is great. Even though they don’t attend the same school, everybody knows he’s got the coolest brother ever. Dean’s small town fame brings Sammy lots of friends. Gee, he never had so many in his whole life. Changing school every trimester does that, but they’ve stayed in Louisiana for six months now, and the Winchesters have become a household name in the city. They’re renting a house in the bayou and ever since Dean started playing, there’s a smile and a pat on the back for them wherever they go. Sam loves it and doesn’t feel an ounce of jealousy at the attention Dean’s getting.
Even though his older bro acts like it doesn’t affect him either way, Sammy knows he’s secretly thrilled. Sam also knows football is only partly responsible for his happiness: Dean’s got his first steady girlfriend. He dated before, of course, but this time it’s the real thing. Her name is Marianna and she’s in high school! Which is enough to turn Dean into a hero in its own right. Okay she’s shorter than him and only 18 months older but still! When Sammy asked if they were getting married one day, Dean told him to shut up but he blushed and his older brother NEVER does that. Yeah, Sam can tell he’s in love and all is right in the world. He likes Marianna, she’s a sweet girl with baby blue eyes and long blonde hair and she never complains when Dean brings Sam along on their dates to the local theater. Sure they sit in the back while Sam sits in the front and if he turns around, he knows he’ll catch them schmoozing but it’s okay because Dean still keeps an eye on him and he never feels cast away.
The state tournament is one month away and the prize is a big golden cup. Sam has seen a picture of it in the local newspaper. It’s bigger than the one Dean’s team won two months ago when Mangrove beat Longtree. His older bro got to take the cup home and it sits proudly in their living room. Dean pretends it’s no big deal but when they clean up the house, he always spends long minutes making it all shiny until his proud smile reflects in it. Sam never makes fun of him for that. Dad wasn’t there when Dean won the cup and even though his brother said he understood, that hunting demons was more important than a football game, Sam knows he was disappointed. Still, Dad said he was proud and placed the cup in plain view in the living room. He also promised to try and be there for the state final.
For Sam it’s a sure thing, and at night before falling asleep he pictures himself in the bleachers cheering for Dean as he scores touchdown after touchdown. Dad is there too and he’s smiling for a change, all proud and happy for his older son. It’s not a dream, more like a vision of things to come, like thinking of opening gifts at Xmas. It’s set in stone and for all the uncertainty in his life to date, Sammy believes in it like he trusts in his father and brother’s love.
It all crumbles on a Tuesday night. When Sam and Dean return from school together, their father is finishing packing up all their belongings in the truck. Strange fires are erupting all around Austin, Texas and it’s the best lead into their mother’s death he has had in months. It’s a big case with dozens of fires to investigate and it will probably take months before they can get to the bottom of it. At least, that’s the reason their dad gives them when he explains why he cannot go alone and come back every few days like he did in the last six months. Sam waits for Dean to argue. What about the tournament? God, what about Marianna? But his brother doesn’t make a sound. His jaw is set and his eyes cold while he slowly nods at their dad. When he finally reacts, it’s to help him load the remaining bags into the truck. Sam stands in shock in the living room while John Winchester goes to the kitchen to make sandwiches with whatever he can find in the fridge. After a minute or so, Sam finally recovers enough to try and plead his case with their dad. But he can barely finish two sentences before he’s loudly interrupted.
“Sam, it’s about your mother! Dean can see that, why can’t you?”
There’s pretty much nothing more to say after that. Sam moves to the bedroom like an automat to check if Dad didn’t forget anything there. He hears Dean coming back into the house while Dad is still in the kitchen. He sits on his bed and listens as Dean calls Marianna from the living room. There’s a picture of her on Dean’s nightstand between their twin beds and Sam feels like the world is ending. The conversation is short. Dean is mostly whispering and Sam can only imagine Marianna’s crying on the other end of the line. When he’s done, Dean goes to the bedroom while John is shouting for them to hurry.
“You have everything, Sammy?” Dean asks.
Sam nods silently, tired and beaten. He waits for Dean to take Marianna’s picture but he doesn’t. He just grabs Sam’s hand and motions him towards their Dad who’s already behind the wheel of the truck. As they pass the living room, Sam points at the golden cup, sure Dean won’t leave it behind.
“It’s better to travel light,” replies his brother.
Sam doesn’t remember much after that, he’s still in shock he thinks and doesn’t feel much. They drive silently until they stop for the night in one of those deserted motels he thought he’d never see again. They all bunk in one room to save money and he ends up in the same bed as Dean. He falls into a troubled sleep and he’s awakened in the middle of the night by Dean’s muffled sounds. At first, he thinks maybe his older brother is having a nightmare but after a few seconds he realizes Dean waited until everyone was asleep to cry as silently as he could. So, Sam doesn’t move to console him and doesn’t make a sound because his pride is all Dean has left. While he listens to him cry, he watches their father sleeping soundly in the other bed. Sammy’s eyes are dry as he slowly comes out of his numbness. He doesn’t feel sadness or disappointment like Dean… He feels like everyone else in Mangrove. For the first time, he hates John Winchester.
Fourteen
“It felt good saving people, didn’t it Sam?” Dean smiles proudly.
Sam nods when in truth, he’s not certain to feel that way. Sure, the Larners are a nice couple and saving them from a poltergeist was all good and right. But they’re strangers, not family. By tomorrow, after they’ve left town, Dean won’t even remember their name. Which won’t keep him from risking his life once more to save others just like them at their next gig…
Well, helping strangers may be okay, but as he tends to Dean’s wounds as best as he can, Sam is more and more convinced that the Larners are not worthy of a single bruise on his brother’s body…
End of Part 1
Rating: PG for now, moving towards NC-17 in the second part
Warning: Slash. Wincest.
Summary: Defining moments of Sam’s life.
Beta: Acostilow
Feedback: Please (bats eyelashes shamelessly)
Dedication: To Valentinesecret for the sweet thoughts and icon.
Three
Sam’s first memory is actually a taste. He remembers the baby food he used to eat. His favorite was Gerber’s mashed potatoes and carrots. He doesn’t remember Dean spoon-feeding him but he knows his brother did it more often than not. There’s a reason why his first word had been “Dean” and not “Dad”, after all…
Four
Sam’s first visual memory is of himself playing in a sandbox. They were staying with family, aunt Joanne -his mother’s younger sister- and uncle Teddy. He can’t recall what their house looked like, only that he loved their garden, especially the sandbox. He clearly remembers sitting there, grabbing sand in his little fist before deliberately putting as much as he could in his mouth. He can still picture Dean rinsing his mouth with orange juice while he coughed and cried, and his older bro wiping his nose with his clean shirt-sleeve. But his most vivid memory is that through the whole thing, Dean kept saying he’s sorry, that it won’t happen again, that he only left Sam alone for a minute but he won’t ever again, that he’ll never let anything hurt him. And for the longest time, Dean kept his promise.
Six
Dean’s favorite game is Cowboys and Indians. Sam’s is Hide and Seek, but he loves pleasing his older bro. They both have the adequate costumes; still, somehow, Sam’s always the Indian. Dean claims it’s because the cowboy hat is too big for Sam’s head…
It doesn’t really matter to the younger boy, after all. They are camping a lot these days and the tent and the woods are a perfect setting for these games. One day, Dean, who’s nothing if not conciliatory (especially for an older brother), decides to mix their favorite games together. They will dress up, Dean as a Sheriff and Sam as a Chief, split ways in the woods and then look for one another.
So, off they go, Dean to the east and Sam to the west, both silently counting to one hundred before trying to catch the other unaware. In his moccasins, Sam is really careful to be as quiet as his father has taught him when they go hunting deer. After a few minutes, he finds his brother’s trail like the good little scout he is. Dean’s plastic pistol is out of its holster and his back is turned. But Sam figures that Indians don’t play by the rules and that there’s nothing wrong with “shooting” him in the back. After all, it’s not really cheating, since a bullet is supposed to be faster than an arrow. He doesn’t stand a chance if he makes his presence known, Dean’s too sharp a shooter to miss him, even if the gun is a fake and Dean will have to voice the “bang”. So, Sam arms his plastic bow and shoots one wooden and perfectly innocuous arrow. He can’t help yelping in joy when it hits Dean in the middle of his back. His older brother turns towards Sam in surprise and raises his gun, but before he can “fire”, he falls on the grass, “dead”.
Sam is all smiles as he moves closer, with full bragging rights. He stands above Dean, who’s still lying on the ground with his eyes closed, his useless pistol dropped by his side. Sam giggles and tells him the Chief has won and the Sheriff can get up now. But Dean stays unmoving and silent. Frowning, Sam crouches next to him and shakes his shoulder. Still, nothing happens, and now Sam’s frantic, dropping his bow and using both hands to shake his brother. Soon, he’s crying and begging Dean to wake up, convinced he’s somehow fatally wounded his brother. Only then does Dean open his eyes and stops pretending to be dead. Sam should be mad but he’s just so relieved. As Dean hugs him saying he thought Sammy knew he was pretending, the younger boy still trembles with fear against his chest. They never play Cowboys and Indians again after that. To this day, Sam hates bows.
Seven
It’s Sam’s seventh birthday and he’s never been this excited. All the kids from the trailer park where they’re living now have been invited, and there’s even a clown. There’s also a big piñata because they’re in Santa Fe and their neighbor Mrs. Castillo explained that a birthday without a piñata wasn’t a real one. For weeks, Dean helped Sam rehearse hitting the thing. He lent Sam his baseball bat, placed a blindfold over his eyes and taught him to hit a ball hanging from a tree by listening to the sound the object made as it crossed the air. It made Sammy feel like Luke Skywalker in “Star Wars” in that scene with Obi-wan. Dad had said it was a good exercise, but Sam didn’t really get what he meant by that. He’s so well prepared that when the day comes, he hits the piñata in one shot and candies pour all over him while the other kids shout. After getting rid of the blindfold, the first thing he sees is Dean beaming at him with pride. Sam smiles back a little too long and the kids have almost collected all the sweets on the ground when he finally tears his gaze away from his brother. But Sammy doesn’t really care if he doesn’t get any candy. He’s never been happier.
Ten
Dean is Sam’s hero. Dean is pretty much everybody’s hero these days because he plays football like a god. He’s fast and incredibly agile with the ball and the best recruit Mangrove’s team ever got. The state tournament is approaching and Dean is the town’s best chance of ever winning. Being the little brother of the local hero is great. Even though they don’t attend the same school, everybody knows he’s got the coolest brother ever. Dean’s small town fame brings Sammy lots of friends. Gee, he never had so many in his whole life. Changing school every trimester does that, but they’ve stayed in Louisiana for six months now, and the Winchesters have become a household name in the city. They’re renting a house in the bayou and ever since Dean started playing, there’s a smile and a pat on the back for them wherever they go. Sam loves it and doesn’t feel an ounce of jealousy at the attention Dean’s getting.
Even though his older bro acts like it doesn’t affect him either way, Sammy knows he’s secretly thrilled. Sam also knows football is only partly responsible for his happiness: Dean’s got his first steady girlfriend. He dated before, of course, but this time it’s the real thing. Her name is Marianna and she’s in high school! Which is enough to turn Dean into a hero in its own right. Okay she’s shorter than him and only 18 months older but still! When Sammy asked if they were getting married one day, Dean told him to shut up but he blushed and his older brother NEVER does that. Yeah, Sam can tell he’s in love and all is right in the world. He likes Marianna, she’s a sweet girl with baby blue eyes and long blonde hair and she never complains when Dean brings Sam along on their dates to the local theater. Sure they sit in the back while Sam sits in the front and if he turns around, he knows he’ll catch them schmoozing but it’s okay because Dean still keeps an eye on him and he never feels cast away.
The state tournament is one month away and the prize is a big golden cup. Sam has seen a picture of it in the local newspaper. It’s bigger than the one Dean’s team won two months ago when Mangrove beat Longtree. His older bro got to take the cup home and it sits proudly in their living room. Dean pretends it’s no big deal but when they clean up the house, he always spends long minutes making it all shiny until his proud smile reflects in it. Sam never makes fun of him for that. Dad wasn’t there when Dean won the cup and even though his brother said he understood, that hunting demons was more important than a football game, Sam knows he was disappointed. Still, Dad said he was proud and placed the cup in plain view in the living room. He also promised to try and be there for the state final.
For Sam it’s a sure thing, and at night before falling asleep he pictures himself in the bleachers cheering for Dean as he scores touchdown after touchdown. Dad is there too and he’s smiling for a change, all proud and happy for his older son. It’s not a dream, more like a vision of things to come, like thinking of opening gifts at Xmas. It’s set in stone and for all the uncertainty in his life to date, Sammy believes in it like he trusts in his father and brother’s love.
It all crumbles on a Tuesday night. When Sam and Dean return from school together, their father is finishing packing up all their belongings in the truck. Strange fires are erupting all around Austin, Texas and it’s the best lead into their mother’s death he has had in months. It’s a big case with dozens of fires to investigate and it will probably take months before they can get to the bottom of it. At least, that’s the reason their dad gives them when he explains why he cannot go alone and come back every few days like he did in the last six months. Sam waits for Dean to argue. What about the tournament? God, what about Marianna? But his brother doesn’t make a sound. His jaw is set and his eyes cold while he slowly nods at their dad. When he finally reacts, it’s to help him load the remaining bags into the truck. Sam stands in shock in the living room while John Winchester goes to the kitchen to make sandwiches with whatever he can find in the fridge. After a minute or so, Sam finally recovers enough to try and plead his case with their dad. But he can barely finish two sentences before he’s loudly interrupted.
“Sam, it’s about your mother! Dean can see that, why can’t you?”
There’s pretty much nothing more to say after that. Sam moves to the bedroom like an automat to check if Dad didn’t forget anything there. He hears Dean coming back into the house while Dad is still in the kitchen. He sits on his bed and listens as Dean calls Marianna from the living room. There’s a picture of her on Dean’s nightstand between their twin beds and Sam feels like the world is ending. The conversation is short. Dean is mostly whispering and Sam can only imagine Marianna’s crying on the other end of the line. When he’s done, Dean goes to the bedroom while John is shouting for them to hurry.
“You have everything, Sammy?” Dean asks.
Sam nods silently, tired and beaten. He waits for Dean to take Marianna’s picture but he doesn’t. He just grabs Sam’s hand and motions him towards their Dad who’s already behind the wheel of the truck. As they pass the living room, Sam points at the golden cup, sure Dean won’t leave it behind.
“It’s better to travel light,” replies his brother.
Sam doesn’t remember much after that, he’s still in shock he thinks and doesn’t feel much. They drive silently until they stop for the night in one of those deserted motels he thought he’d never see again. They all bunk in one room to save money and he ends up in the same bed as Dean. He falls into a troubled sleep and he’s awakened in the middle of the night by Dean’s muffled sounds. At first, he thinks maybe his older brother is having a nightmare but after a few seconds he realizes Dean waited until everyone was asleep to cry as silently as he could. So, Sam doesn’t move to console him and doesn’t make a sound because his pride is all Dean has left. While he listens to him cry, he watches their father sleeping soundly in the other bed. Sammy’s eyes are dry as he slowly comes out of his numbness. He doesn’t feel sadness or disappointment like Dean… He feels like everyone else in Mangrove. For the first time, he hates John Winchester.
Fourteen
“It felt good saving people, didn’t it Sam?” Dean smiles proudly.
Sam nods when in truth, he’s not certain to feel that way. Sure, the Larners are a nice couple and saving them from a poltergeist was all good and right. But they’re strangers, not family. By tomorrow, after they’ve left town, Dean won’t even remember their name. Which won’t keep him from risking his life once more to save others just like them at their next gig…
Well, helping strangers may be okay, but as he tends to Dean’s wounds as best as he can, Sam is more and more convinced that the Larners are not worthy of a single bruise on his brother’s body…
End of Part 1