2006 year in Review
So it's time to sit down and think back on just what last year was...and wow what a year it was.
it can't be just me...last year was..well....
Lets review
Now in my lifetime I have gone through some tremultuous times...some of those years certainly have had some major highlights..ones that still cling to me in their own seedy right.
But last year..well now..what a ride..I mean the whole year..just one punch to the gut after the other..just when I would get my feet under me ..Bam..there goes another one..it was like.."ok you really haven't been listening to anything I have been saying..so I am going to grind your face into the pavement till you do"..graphic..and yet not graphic enough for how it felt.
lemme see..we'll start with the easy...4 weddings and 4 funerals
now only one funeral was hard..because I actually cared for the guy..he was like my grandfather..and he didn't go quietly into the night..it started with brain cancer..and it spread..and a man who was an honest to god Mountain man..to go that way....makes you wonder about karma..and who deserves what...and made me angry..the kind of frustrated anger were you want to tear things apart and shout at the world how fucking unfair it is..how much it hurts because you feel so damn helpless..just watching him fade..in pain.and fear watching his mind.dissolve...and there is not one goddamn thing you can do...yeah that hurt.
I am gonna skim here because ...there was so much going on I think the top craptastic events are enough..the basic craptastic bore even me, and I had to actually live it.
The weddngs..well they allowed me to meet new family and come to terms with old..and to remember why I became friends with these people in the first place...and why I chose to live on the other side of the country from my family(I love them..but you can NOT make me live with them anymore).....and again to make me think.
yeah thats what this year really did to me..it made me think..and damn..I was so not prepared for that.
It came as quite a shock that I had not been thinking for years now....that I was just going through the motions.
.and what a moment that was..
a cosmic slap to the back of the head...whap!..have you ever had one of those..seriously..have you..were in a moment its all different..and you can't go back to what you were?
So here I sit eating a pear..a good one at that..one of those Harry &David pears..just the right sweet and more than juicy..soft..ripe...I think of sex when I see pears...something about biting into the sweet flesh and having all that juice run down your chin...a sensual act.
I only bring this up as I had a very weird discussion with a friend about sexy fruit..the things you can talk about to pass the time..not politics..world something or other...no..just. "hey does fruit make you think of sex ?"
that I had thought along theses lines before and had an answer....just shows how disturbed my own mind is...see this year I was thinking.
My family fell apart ..again..thats something I'm used to..since its happened ..ummm..more often than than I would like to admit
ooh and I learned that EVERYTHING I knew as a child growing up..was WRONG...my life..everything..fake..a sham
I am embarassed..were just like every dysfunctional family out there..just another bad episode of the O.C...eww eww eww
I really thought our dysfunction was better than that.
but in learning that I also found my sister again..
yeah we grew up in the same house..but I never got to know her until this year....and we talked..not just idle speaking..gossip or pleasantries,..but talked...I found out shes a human being...she found out that I am....well she was very accepting..and I missed her.
when I think about my memories of the past..thats just what they are at this point..the past...old memories....its over and done with..it helps to color my vision..but does not dictate my actions...who wants to be ruled by memories....memories are to learn from..not to obsess on...just dont make the same mistake again....see I was thinking.
oooh I almost got a divorce..yep...knockdown drag out fight..words were said...very bad ones..and you know what it made me think
GOD DAMN it feels good to be angry!...is that wrong, that it felt good to rip a loved one a new ass...
It felt good...I can feel good...I forgot that...I lost that...not the being angry part... I got that just fine..its the more complicated..general happiness part...not so good at that...to survive I became a shadow of who I was..and who I believed in...I lost my way..and as hard as it was..last year opened my eyes.
I stopped living to exist..thats what I was thinking about last year.. I let everything important just fall away while I just wanted to exist..oh I had moments of clarity..at least I remembered my art somewhere in all of that.... small favors...but when you just exist, you don't live..how sad is that...and why the hell did it take so fucking long for me to figure that out..I mean I know that already..I do..but somewere along the way I forgot.
boy did that suck...because I forgot for Years...
of all my regrets..and I only have a small handfull.supriseingly...its wasted time that I begrudge the most...ahh well each in their own way..each in their own time...how Hallmark of me....lol
so whats in store for this year..everything and anything