Christmas Stuff!!!!!!
Just a few humorus little christmas tid-bits:
12 Days of Christmas
December 14, 1972
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real
Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
========================================================
December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine
two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 16, 1972
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just
darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 17, 1972
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really,
they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are
being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
==========================================================
December 18, 1972
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden
rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
========================================================
December 19, 1972
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese
laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh?
These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors
are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
========================================================
December 20, 1972
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a
swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all
over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night
and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do
with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8
maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure
all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
=========================================================
December 22, 1972
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing
those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds.
What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours !
Agnes
==========================================================
December 23, 1972
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call
those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long.
Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is
a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to
give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes
=========================================================
December 24, 1972
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and
ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers
ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows.
All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to
death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should
come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss
McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been
instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of
Badger, Bender and Chole
-------------------------
Holiday Diet
The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress,
paranoia, depression and delusion that builds during the holidays...
Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk
Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie
Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce
Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars
Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)
RULES FOR THIS DIET:
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no
calories.
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the
candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not
eat more than they do.
Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot
chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
If you fatten up everyone else around you then you look thinner.
Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they
are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's
personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior
Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls.
Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes
calorie leakage.
Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in
the process of preparing something.
Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.
Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and
mashed potatoes.
Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any
other food color.
Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This due to
gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since
the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling
to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)
REMEMBER!
STRESSED spelled backwards=DESSERTS
MERRY CHRISTMAS! ENJOY!!!
12 Days of Christmas
December 14, 1972
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real
Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
========================================================
December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine
two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 16, 1972
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just
darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 17, 1972
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really,
they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are
being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
==========================================================
December 18, 1972
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden
rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
========================================================
December 19, 1972
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese
laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh?
These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors
are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
========================================================
December 20, 1972
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a
swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all
over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night
and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do
with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8
maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure
all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
=========================================================
December 22, 1972
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing
those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds.
What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours !
Agnes
==========================================================
December 23, 1972
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call
those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long.
Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is
a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to
give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes
=========================================================
December 24, 1972
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and
ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers
ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows.
All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to
death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should
come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss
McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been
instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of
Badger, Bender and Chole
-------------------------
Holiday Diet
The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress,
paranoia, depression and delusion that builds during the holidays...
Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk
Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie
Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce
Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars
Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)
RULES FOR THIS DIET:
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no
calories.
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the
candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not
eat more than they do.
Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot
chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
If you fatten up everyone else around you then you look thinner.
Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they
are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's
personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior
Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls.
Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes
calorie leakage.
Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in
the process of preparing something.
Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.
Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and
mashed potatoes.
Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any
other food color.
Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This due to
gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since
the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling
to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)
REMEMBER!
STRESSED spelled backwards=DESSERTS
MERRY CHRISTMAS! ENJOY!!!