When speaking my mind only closes yours..
I'm typing this to vent a little, not in an angry way, but because I think this is becoming a petty gossip fest.
I could care less about having a vehicle, for there is a bus system.
I could care less about health insurance, for there is Medicaid.
I could care less of even my own home, for there are shelters.
But it isn't about me.
It's never about me.
It's about you (all).
I have a hard time asking for help, I always have. Asking for help, to me, means that you are so inept, so far behind, that you need someone else's help to fix whatever it is.
If I am unable to do it, then I will ask for help.
I do not demand it.
I do not expect it.
In fact, I'm a happier person if I can do things on my own. Don't you understand?
As far as I know, the only one giving me money right now or paying any of my bills is my Mother.
I know nothing of my healthcare bills, I know nothing of any other possible monetary help. I really don't.
So it hurts me when people verbally (Textually?) attack me stating that I'm stirring shit with money, or that I'm wasting someone's money. I do know I own a personal debt and that it is large, but the person I owe is not attacking me over it. He's just trying him best to urge me to pay him when, honestly, I can't right now.
I'm getting a better job, at a higher rate of pay than I've ever been paid. I'm trying to go back to school.
The new place I'm trying to get is truly, honestly, and mostly in MY name. It is MY place. It isn't 'someone else's' place.. If it were someone else's I would not have needed that money to GET it, you see?
M's Mom is helping us by her own decision. I did not ask her, I did not force her. No one has forced me into any decisions that I myself have not gone over, thought over, and contemplated at length.
No one is bossing me right now other than my own Mother.
In my point of view it seems as though she is bullying me to come home. To have a relationship she approves of. To live a life SHE wanted for me.... but I could never be happy like that. I couldn't! I could have all the money in the world, I could have fame, I could have things, but I don't want that if I am not happy. Does that sound selfish? Is that too much to ask for? Am I a horrible person for wanting such a simple little thing?
Life is hard. Life is complicated and in my experience it has many, many roads. Some may lead you through rough patches, some may be easy but have a dead end.. Some roads a difficult to follow, and even more difficult to see down. Nothing it straightforward, nothing is as simple as it ever looks.
It hurts me to think people think so little of me. That after all the talks of being friends and how easy this situation would be and how they want nothing more than my happiness and keeping me safe and healthy.... That it would turn around to how I'm selfish and how I can't do anything on my own or that I'm inept at taking care of myself.
It hurts me to think you think I'm useless.
It hurts me that, as my FRIEND, you would attack me so.
Honestly, you're all just using me. You want something from me that I can't give. Something that hurts me, for something that will keep me alive.
It upsets me horribly.
You didn't have to pay for the dress, the wedding, the trip to Vegas, my flights, my food on the trip, anything. You didn't have to. But, you wanted me there. You wanted me to have a nice outfit, you wanted to show me off, and you wanted things from me that I can no longer do.
So, in turn, I will reiterate a simple fact...
When it comes down to it, I don't need either of you. It hurts me terribly to say so, but if I had to scrape by on my own I know it could be done. It won't be easy for me, as it never was, but I can survive. I can get my medications, I even know how long I can live without them.
It's coming down to this and I hate it. Why do you want me to suffer so much more? Do you want me to make this harder than it already is? Because it is going to get damn hard. Damn hard.
So maybe, just maybe.. You should have thought harder about what you wanted from this agreement before entering into it... Because right now it isn't worth it for me at all anymore.
I would rather be in a shelter than anywhere near you, because you don't know me at all. You don't care for me at all...
So get the hell out of my family arguments.
Public forum simply because I need some real friends ATM.
Thankyou,
-Jenn.
I could care less about having a vehicle, for there is a bus system.
I could care less about health insurance, for there is Medicaid.
I could care less of even my own home, for there are shelters.
But it isn't about me.
It's never about me.
It's about you (all).
I have a hard time asking for help, I always have. Asking for help, to me, means that you are so inept, so far behind, that you need someone else's help to fix whatever it is.
If I am unable to do it, then I will ask for help.
I do not demand it.
I do not expect it.
In fact, I'm a happier person if I can do things on my own. Don't you understand?
As far as I know, the only one giving me money right now or paying any of my bills is my Mother.
I know nothing of my healthcare bills, I know nothing of any other possible monetary help. I really don't.
So it hurts me when people verbally (Textually?) attack me stating that I'm stirring shit with money, or that I'm wasting someone's money. I do know I own a personal debt and that it is large, but the person I owe is not attacking me over it. He's just trying him best to urge me to pay him when, honestly, I can't right now.
I'm getting a better job, at a higher rate of pay than I've ever been paid. I'm trying to go back to school.
The new place I'm trying to get is truly, honestly, and mostly in MY name. It is MY place. It isn't 'someone else's' place.. If it were someone else's I would not have needed that money to GET it, you see?
M's Mom is helping us by her own decision. I did not ask her, I did not force her. No one has forced me into any decisions that I myself have not gone over, thought over, and contemplated at length.
No one is bossing me right now other than my own Mother.
In my point of view it seems as though she is bullying me to come home. To have a relationship she approves of. To live a life SHE wanted for me.... but I could never be happy like that. I couldn't! I could have all the money in the world, I could have fame, I could have things, but I don't want that if I am not happy. Does that sound selfish? Is that too much to ask for? Am I a horrible person for wanting such a simple little thing?
Life is hard. Life is complicated and in my experience it has many, many roads. Some may lead you through rough patches, some may be easy but have a dead end.. Some roads a difficult to follow, and even more difficult to see down. Nothing it straightforward, nothing is as simple as it ever looks.
It hurts me to think people think so little of me. That after all the talks of being friends and how easy this situation would be and how they want nothing more than my happiness and keeping me safe and healthy.... That it would turn around to how I'm selfish and how I can't do anything on my own or that I'm inept at taking care of myself.
It hurts me to think you think I'm useless.
It hurts me that, as my FRIEND, you would attack me so.
Honestly, you're all just using me. You want something from me that I can't give. Something that hurts me, for something that will keep me alive.
It upsets me horribly.
You didn't have to pay for the dress, the wedding, the trip to Vegas, my flights, my food on the trip, anything. You didn't have to. But, you wanted me there. You wanted me to have a nice outfit, you wanted to show me off, and you wanted things from me that I can no longer do.
So, in turn, I will reiterate a simple fact...
When it comes down to it, I don't need either of you. It hurts me terribly to say so, but if I had to scrape by on my own I know it could be done. It won't be easy for me, as it never was, but I can survive. I can get my medications, I even know how long I can live without them.
It's coming down to this and I hate it. Why do you want me to suffer so much more? Do you want me to make this harder than it already is? Because it is going to get damn hard. Damn hard.
So maybe, just maybe.. You should have thought harder about what you wanted from this agreement before entering into it... Because right now it isn't worth it for me at all anymore.
I would rather be in a shelter than anywhere near you, because you don't know me at all. You don't care for me at all...
So get the hell out of my family arguments.
Public forum simply because I need some real friends ATM.
Thankyou,
-Jenn.