SHED YOUR TEARS, KILL YOUR FEARS
Tahir,
RIP 02JANUARY2010
I know you're in a spectacle with the kindest audience; after a spliff with the cheekiest smile beside a car in a desolate side street, carrying a heart the size of a planet and this golden glint... you're fine but you're some homes away from me.
You told me I was the shot-caller; I wish I had drowned dead all my inhibitions and let flow what would. I wish I called more shots for us. I was a little angry; nevermind the fact you were young, you had your entire life to start and live, you had aspirations, you had new things to experience.... I am selfish as they come, so of course I think the biggest tragedy to be that you had things to show people, people like me.
Yet you were ripped away, like all the dry leaves that follow the steady wind to leave a tree naked, stark.
Time took what it thought it needed, though no one was ready - least of all this friendship. I regret that it will stay premature, but no less personal. Like words you tell only God. I know you would neither want nor need my sorrow, but for now it's just best that I keep hoping I'm okay. I know you are. Maybe it's enough to say that I miss you at this hour of night, that's all there is really to say.
It took me some time to write my piece and it seems so displaced among everyone's professed love, but I pray you not to think me overdramatic or ingenuine to say that I must've loved you in some shape or form to feel the way I feel right now.... There's a deep hurt to know that I'll have to manage without you ever really understanding this. I do not think I knew it myself before; it seems you did have something to teach me. It feels hard to address all these demons alone, and the irony is that of all people I wished you most to be here to help me.
Why do I ask for your help so late ? This could have been something to grow from. I did not know you as well as the other people who all seemed to adore you, although I really wanted to. And I know you wanted to know me better too. But you knew the shape of my lips, the shape of my hips, some of my dreams, and some of my desires. You really seemed to like this nose ring, you thought it was very cool, and looked very good. A few of my traits, a bit of my background, you knew my face and my feel and my hesitance. I ache to think you'll not know more, I ache to think that I won't.
But I need to try to be grateful to have at least had an idea, an impression. Though I want more than beautiful and pristine, it's the best I have.
The space you are now, it is occupied by an angel of the most free disposition and the most innocent intent. There are no ends, only beginnings. I hope your embarkation to have been full of the vitality you blessed me with. We need to meet again to catch up in some other place, some other time. Apparently, someone decided that this one was not right.
Crystal and water, flesh and reality.
