WORDS THAT CAN FREE
THE MOST HONESTY I COULD MUSTER:
things that need to leave the closet for a bit of airing
they can go back in afterwards
(IMMY, I HAD JUST SEEN YOUR POST. IT ENCOURAGED THIS.)
one. I am attracted to girls, and I don't think I can ever flat-out deny that. I enjoy their bodies, their beauty, their demeanours and the detail in their mannerisms. I think it's a mixture/compromise between: typical girl nature to obssess/admire other women + my fear of being with the stereotypical man - who will control me, then break my heart. This does not categorically mean I am "bisexual" or whatever else. You have to be some new level of idiot to think that people can be so neatly packaged and sorted. My experiences and reactions to these experiences have rendered me thus, I am what I am... and there is no straight, clean cut, simple definition to any human being. They are the product of their exposure and predetermined elements, combined with fate and percieved purpose.... To a large extent I am attracted to men, it would be better described (though still not perfectly, and never perfectly) as being an 76% attraction to men and 24% attraction to women.
two. Rei and I no longer speak, and considering what had happened one would expect our relations to be even worse. No doubt it ended on a sour note, it had to... or it would never have ended.... Which would be even more horrific - a perpetually spiralling situation, beyond control and reason... prepared to implode on itself and destroy what little left we managed to salvage (to rebuild upon) from breaking it off early (but obviously too late) and in this way. What had happened? It was the easiest way a close relationship could end after 3years; admittedly with tears, remorse, pride (or lack thereof), guilt, humiliation and revenge. No, I don't think he is/was a bad person. Our being together was volatile, and it was our conflicting natures that caused each of us to be so monsterous. I had never been (and hopefully will never be again) so selfish, cruel and untrustworthy. At the same time - being so co-dependant - this monstrosity grew, fed by our insecurities and catalyzed by mistrust. What event ended it? Something trivial, as it always is... misconstrued, blown out of proportion. When you fight someone you care about, the smallest things seem to sprout branches that reach into bigger, deeper, more personal issues. Whatever the product, however this has affected me, no matter the case... these 3years have taught me volumes and shaped me in many ways. Most importantly, I learnt to hurt, and be hurt. Rei was a colossal part of my recent life, and I had forgotten how to be naturally secular/autonomous... that is the one thing our relationship took from me that I sorely miss.
three. I feel I often dumb myself down, or don't live up to my potential. My intelligence is counteracted by other qualities such as laziness and low self-esteem. I do believe everyone has low self-esteem, no matter who/what/where you are. However, though I feel the need to somehow compensate in order to better my self-esteem... this works adversely against my intellect. I unconciously prize charisma/being sociable over smarts... because some part of me believes it to be intimidating, arrogant, overly competitive and boastful. And so I say the most stupid things, act ignorant when I know full well what the reality is, speak with an intonation that detracts from anything important I ever have to say. The only time I feel I can truly express myself/get things poignantly across is when I write (hence the avid use of my Livejournal as a medium to communicate my true thoughts/reflections on a matter). I can hold my own in a serious debate, I can make contributions to worthy discussion... but I imagine that few (in future too) are/will be aware of that, because the way I look/laugh/crudely joke and my interests strongly suggest otherwise. This is upsetting to me, because I think the crux of a person lies in their intellectual opinion/perspective and their ability to aptly put forth this while understanding another's. And if no one can managed to think of me in this manner - a being whose ideas are worthwhile and inspirational - I fear that when all is said and done, no one will know who I really am.
four. I don't often admit it, but I find it alarmingly easy to hate/dislike someone. It could be anything, from a wrong word used in our conversation, to an impression that sticks... and sadly, even a remark someone else has made that seems to ring sirens I can't ignore when I myself speak to them. It could be that I've held onto a grudge formed long ago... it could be something as simple as being jealous. And the worst of it is that I can't really fight this - even if I catch myself doing it and rationalise my emotions, is it not the initial feeling that was true to the intent of my nature? I am torn between deluding myself into being a more kind, forgiving, empathetic person and existing as I naturally am - deceitful, hypocritical and full of spite.
Perhaps you'll find something in me that is in you too,
and hate me for it because you hate yourself.
Or understand it better, and realise we're all just made of human.
maybe I'll sleep easier tonight,
and breathe easier tomorrow.
