a single white feather
i'm writing this because its been buzzing round in my head since the whole story began, and im hoping that by writing it, it will either suddenly make sense, or atleast stop bothering me the way it does. because in all honesty what im talking about isnt really my decision to make, i just find myself struggling to see it the way others seem to.
my uncle, i say my uncle, hes my mums uncle, but he's always been an uncle to me, my sister and our cousins etc hes close you get the picture. Anyway. he is very ill. he has cancer, in his lower spine and lungs and its spreading, and theres nothing apparently that can be done, i was angry to begin with because hes been going to hospital for years about back pain and they never found the cancer, which apparently now they have found it, is established enough to have been there when he was going in an out of hospital, at the time, i was really angry, maybe not the best way to react, but i didn't know how you were supposed to deal with the idea that it could have been helped, and that because it wasn't found, now he has to just wait to die, how are you meant to feel about that......i sure as hell haven't figured it out yet. But after a while, i realised that there really was nothing i could do that could change this situation, so i started to accept this. now though, he's been sent home, with pain medicine because other treatments are not going to work apparently, and he's been "stable" no better, no worse. and there is apparently no way of knowing how long this could last for. this however isn't what's getting me. His wife, my aunt, has now planned absolutely everything to do with his funeral, (he wants to be buried in Ireland where he was born) arrangements for everything that has to happen in ireland, even down to the point that it would be easier if he passed away in the morning, then they could have the service in the evening, and be in ireland by the next day. now please don't think i'm being insensitive, because believe me i know that there's no way i can truly understand what she's going through right now, and i get that this is a way for her to deal with things, that by being this organised she feels she's doing things right by him.
There is a part of me though, that is finding it really hard to understand.
HE ISNT DEAD YET. stop treating him like he is.
he must feel like it if all he can hear or talk about is funeral arrangements and who's going to be able to get to ireland etc, (how would you know, you don't know when all this is actually going to happen??)
I know that is pointless and very naive of me to think that a little hope can go a long way to helping a person, i'm not talking about a cure, im not saying that if everyone had enough hope no one would die, i'm not an idiot, but it just feels weird to me.
although on the topic of hope, the other week, they found a white feather on the dashboard of their car when they were going to the hospital. they asked my family if we knew what white feathers meant, and i don't know about other people, but i heard and believe that they represent angels, (i'm aware that right now you may be thinking that i truely am insane) to me unexplained white feathers are signs left by angels to let you know they're watching over you, now to me this means something, again, not a miraculous recovery perhaps, but a comfort atleast that this isnt going to be a lonely experience for them. i know how ridiculous it sounds. but i'm sorry this is just how i feel. and i understand that not everyone feels the same way. But I'd like to think that he could live however long he has left in this world, with as much happiness as he can have, then when his time comes, he'll go at peace with whats happening to him, and leave the people around him in peace with it also in that knowledge. part of me just now feels that all the planning must feel like being ushered out of the door, so everything can be over and done with.
I said at the beginning, and i know, none of these decisions are mine to make, and i completely understand that they're some of the hardest decisions anybody has to make in life, and this is the reason really that i've ended up here, I don't intend on telling anyone about how i feel about the whole thing, they don't need me to make things any harder for them than they already are. so thats why i'm here, and if anyone has actually read this, i apologise for the sombre topic, and please don't see this as e speaking out of turn, my thoughts about this aren't in the best order themselves at the moment, so absolutely none of this is meant to sound derogatory to anyone involved, its just my confusion coming out on here thank you for letting me talk about it.
my uncle, i say my uncle, hes my mums uncle, but he's always been an uncle to me, my sister and our cousins etc hes close you get the picture. Anyway. he is very ill. he has cancer, in his lower spine and lungs and its spreading, and theres nothing apparently that can be done, i was angry to begin with because hes been going to hospital for years about back pain and they never found the cancer, which apparently now they have found it, is established enough to have been there when he was going in an out of hospital, at the time, i was really angry, maybe not the best way to react, but i didn't know how you were supposed to deal with the idea that it could have been helped, and that because it wasn't found, now he has to just wait to die, how are you meant to feel about that......i sure as hell haven't figured it out yet. But after a while, i realised that there really was nothing i could do that could change this situation, so i started to accept this. now though, he's been sent home, with pain medicine because other treatments are not going to work apparently, and he's been "stable" no better, no worse. and there is apparently no way of knowing how long this could last for. this however isn't what's getting me. His wife, my aunt, has now planned absolutely everything to do with his funeral, (he wants to be buried in Ireland where he was born) arrangements for everything that has to happen in ireland, even down to the point that it would be easier if he passed away in the morning, then they could have the service in the evening, and be in ireland by the next day. now please don't think i'm being insensitive, because believe me i know that there's no way i can truly understand what she's going through right now, and i get that this is a way for her to deal with things, that by being this organised she feels she's doing things right by him.
There is a part of me though, that is finding it really hard to understand.
HE ISNT DEAD YET. stop treating him like he is.
he must feel like it if all he can hear or talk about is funeral arrangements and who's going to be able to get to ireland etc, (how would you know, you don't know when all this is actually going to happen??)
I know that is pointless and very naive of me to think that a little hope can go a long way to helping a person, i'm not talking about a cure, im not saying that if everyone had enough hope no one would die, i'm not an idiot, but it just feels weird to me.
although on the topic of hope, the other week, they found a white feather on the dashboard of their car when they were going to the hospital. they asked my family if we knew what white feathers meant, and i don't know about other people, but i heard and believe that they represent angels, (i'm aware that right now you may be thinking that i truely am insane) to me unexplained white feathers are signs left by angels to let you know they're watching over you, now to me this means something, again, not a miraculous recovery perhaps, but a comfort atleast that this isnt going to be a lonely experience for them. i know how ridiculous it sounds. but i'm sorry this is just how i feel. and i understand that not everyone feels the same way. But I'd like to think that he could live however long he has left in this world, with as much happiness as he can have, then when his time comes, he'll go at peace with whats happening to him, and leave the people around him in peace with it also in that knowledge. part of me just now feels that all the planning must feel like being ushered out of the door, so everything can be over and done with.
I said at the beginning, and i know, none of these decisions are mine to make, and i completely understand that they're some of the hardest decisions anybody has to make in life, and this is the reason really that i've ended up here, I don't intend on telling anyone about how i feel about the whole thing, they don't need me to make things any harder for them than they already are. so thats why i'm here, and if anyone has actually read this, i apologise for the sombre topic, and please don't see this as e speaking out of turn, my thoughts about this aren't in the best order themselves at the moment, so absolutely none of this is meant to sound derogatory to anyone involved, its just my confusion coming out on here thank you for letting me talk about it.