-=emotional receipt from my trip=-
I saw my mother after our fall out.
I suppose we end up forgiving the person with love the most but never forgetting how much hate she put me through.
I saw a side to her that the alcohol didnt touch.
I felt like my mother was here again, in my world.
It was a breaking feeling, I was falling yearz behind my age to immaturity,
filling up the points that she had abandoned.
And I forgave her for the moments that were black and smothered by her doing.
She smiled, she looked like me.
I noticed how brittle her hair was, the lines had gotten deeper in her face...
The realization of a parent getting old hurts. The security of them alwayz being there for you, to baby you, crackz. Of course her problem made her age faster and that makez me so pissed off, because she did this to herself.
I admire my friend Cyn so much now, she lived through losing her mother.
I dont think I have that much strength, thinking about it now makes my eyez burn and get puffy.
Like already when I think of something I want my mother to hear I write it down and think about how I'd say it to her and what not. Just b.c it's hard to get her ass on a phone anyhow, plus, they're very trivial things. Like when Im out driving and I think of something, sometimes in my head Ill be talking to her.
I cant say how many timez I've held a situation between me and her in my mind. Later on when we're actually talking I'll bring it up and sometimez it'll consort into exactly what I had imagined.
I never want to just be limited to the conversations in my head. It would drive me insane. It doesnt help that me and her are as open as much as possible as we can be with each other. It's like there's no more we can go.... we've reached a content communication with each other.... a calm before the storm.
Like God saw the end coming and said we could finally have a chance to understand each other before hell breaks loose.
I guess I'm bizarre like that. I wonder why it's so wonderful and remember about when it was once so bad...and how we've gone through the entire cycle and there's nothing left.
Im just so scared that Ill never be able to bring myself to the strength like Cyn. That when my mother goes, the one person in the world that is everything to me, than my mind is gonna go too. It will be too much for me to process. I see myself snap and have no reason in life.
Yeah I put that much into my mother.
I probably have a complex of some sort for loving someone too much where I worry about how I will go on when they die.
Maybe wondering it about it now and preparing myself for the worst pain in the world sets me ahead a lil bit. I just keep thinking, "not enough"
Not enough time
Not enough talks
Not enough smiles
Not enough sorrys
Not enough FUCK YOU's
Not enough "CLEAN YOUR ROOM"s
Not enough climbing into her bed when the nyte gets too possessing
Not enough 6 am mindless mornings
Not enough visits
Not enough sobriety
Not enough hugs
Not enough Thank you's
Not enough money
Not enough "mommydaughter dayz"
I'll be okay until that day...
I dunno wut will happen to me after it though. I will lose all capabilities... and this world expectz you to move on, to turn with the planet to a new day and start over so fast. After anything really....
Not enough time.
I suppose we end up forgiving the person with love the most but never forgetting how much hate she put me through.
I saw a side to her that the alcohol didnt touch.
I felt like my mother was here again, in my world.
It was a breaking feeling, I was falling yearz behind my age to immaturity,
filling up the points that she had abandoned.
And I forgave her for the moments that were black and smothered by her doing.
She smiled, she looked like me.
I noticed how brittle her hair was, the lines had gotten deeper in her face...
The realization of a parent getting old hurts. The security of them alwayz being there for you, to baby you, crackz. Of course her problem made her age faster and that makez me so pissed off, because she did this to herself.
I admire my friend Cyn so much now, she lived through losing her mother.
I dont think I have that much strength, thinking about it now makes my eyez burn and get puffy.
Like already when I think of something I want my mother to hear I write it down and think about how I'd say it to her and what not. Just b.c it's hard to get her ass on a phone anyhow, plus, they're very trivial things. Like when Im out driving and I think of something, sometimes in my head Ill be talking to her.
I cant say how many timez I've held a situation between me and her in my mind. Later on when we're actually talking I'll bring it up and sometimez it'll consort into exactly what I had imagined.
I never want to just be limited to the conversations in my head. It would drive me insane. It doesnt help that me and her are as open as much as possible as we can be with each other. It's like there's no more we can go.... we've reached a content communication with each other.... a calm before the storm.
Like God saw the end coming and said we could finally have a chance to understand each other before hell breaks loose.
I guess I'm bizarre like that. I wonder why it's so wonderful and remember about when it was once so bad...and how we've gone through the entire cycle and there's nothing left.
Im just so scared that Ill never be able to bring myself to the strength like Cyn. That when my mother goes, the one person in the world that is everything to me, than my mind is gonna go too. It will be too much for me to process. I see myself snap and have no reason in life.
Yeah I put that much into my mother.
I probably have a complex of some sort for loving someone too much where I worry about how I will go on when they die.
Maybe wondering it about it now and preparing myself for the worst pain in the world sets me ahead a lil bit. I just keep thinking, "not enough"
Not enough time
Not enough talks
Not enough smiles
Not enough sorrys
Not enough FUCK YOU's
Not enough "CLEAN YOUR ROOM"s
Not enough climbing into her bed when the nyte gets too possessing
Not enough 6 am mindless mornings
Not enough visits
Not enough sobriety
Not enough hugs
Not enough Thank you's
Not enough money
Not enough "mommydaughter dayz"
I'll be okay until that day...
I dunno wut will happen to me after it though. I will lose all capabilities... and this world expectz you to move on, to turn with the planet to a new day and start over so fast. After anything really....
Not enough time.