Together - [JJ Project Oneshot]
Originally written for 7fics, a blog on tumblr dedicated to filling got7 fic prompts. Go check it out!
A/N: Basically just canon!JJP
Jaebum should’ve been angry. He should have been furious, really, because they’re doing fine.
Actually, the more he thinks about it, the more wronged he feels. They aren’t just doing fine, they’re doing damn well. He’s proud of his members, they’re feeling proud of themselves, and it’s all rightly so. He can see the effort during every single practice, from the eagerness to please every time a camera is aimed in their direction to Jackson and Mark’s grunts and groans as they massage their aching joints; from Youngjae skipping dinner to catch up on dancing to Bambam practicing his expressions for hours at a time in front of the mirror; from Jinyoung’s sacrifice of sleep to choreograph to Yugyeom’s sweat-soaked shirt as he picks himself off the ground to do yet another run through- they’ve all put in sweat, blood, tears, and so much more.
And it wasn’t just fruitless hard work. From album sales to positions on search engines, they were doing great for rookies. They were making a name for themselves, as Got7, no longer just the “new 2pm.”
True, Jaebum had relaxed a bit. The anxiety and fear and pressure had taken the fun out of much of it to begin with, but he’s starting to enjoy himself again. He’d started to feel a level of comfort, no longer putting on a show for the cameras because he had to, because he needed to entertain the fans, but because he wanted to please them. The fears constantly being whispered in the back of his mind had slowly become fainter, the don’t screw this up now Jaebum you’ve already failed once and the it’s not just Jinyoung this time you’ve got five others to let down now growing softer and softer.
He’d grown comfortable. He’d felt safe, even protected in Got7 despite the fact that he was the one who was supposed to be doing the protecting.
The old Im Jaebum would’ve been angry. Oh, the old Jaebum would’ve been absolutely furious. He probably would have clenched his teeth and spat out a sarcastic response as he stormed out, returning to the dorm to vent out his frustrations though screams and throwing things. The old Jaebum wouldn’t have cared about the consequences, only caring about living in the moment.
Except he’s not the old Jaebum anymore. He’s grown up now, changed, no longer naïve.
Now, he only feels tired. Tired of not being good enough. Frustrated, because they didn’t understand. Granted, it wasn’t everyone, but it was enough that those words had to be thrown back at him.
Try harder.
Jaebum doesn’t know whether to laugh or scoff. Just when those fears and sinister warnings were beginning to fade away, they had to be brought back in full force. He’d always been taught that the only thing he had full control of was his own future, nobody else’s, so now what is he supposed to do when the exact opposite is their reality? The constant comparison to the other rookie groups, who used to be friendly rivals but now can only been seen as a threat because apparently Jaebum’s efforts to control his own destiny hasn’t been enough. It’s the last thing Jaebum wants, but what control does he have?
The helplessness is the worst, and when Jaebum feels backed up in a corner his first instinct is to lash out, to at least go down fighting. But he’d learned his lesson from before the hard way so he just swallows it, gritting out yes I understands and of courses and I’ll talk to the kids with a firm mask of politeness in place.
But Jaebum’s lying. Because he has no intention of relaying any of that back to his members, because they don’t need those doubts poisoning their minds, they don’t need the fear and uncertainty plaguing them at night.
So Jaebum keeps the poison in, eating away at him from the inside out.
~~
It’s in Jinyoung’s nature to care for others.
Part of it was for the fans, of course. It’s a part of the job description- he’s been dubbed as the mother of the team, so of course he’s expected to play the part. But it isn’t difficult for him; Jinyoung is perceptive to begin with so acting on those observations seem like a given.
Jinyoung likes to think that he’s got all his members figured out, that try as they might to hide their insecurities, they’re all open books to him. So Jinyoung takes it upon himself to be that soothing balm for their various wounds and hurts, to be that calm assurance and comfort that they all need. Because at the end of the day, they’re all just boys chasing after a dream in a cruel businessman’s world.
But of course, there has to be an exception.
It’s natural to assume that since Jinyoung’s known Jaebum the longest, from when they were still those awkward yet somehow adorable, mid-puberty teens, that he’d have Jaebum all figured out by now. And to an extent, that’s true. Jinyoung can say with confidence he’s still the one who knows Jaebum best, the only one who can decipher and interpret the nuances in his subtle changes in posture and quick flashes of emotion across his irises.
But Jaebum’s no rock, either, and he’s learned as well. He’s learned to shove his feelings down even further, constructing a mask so sturdy Jinyoung can only catch glimpses of what’s behind, no choice but to fall back on intuition to interpret the rest. Jinyoung can still always tell when something’s up, when Jaebum isn’t telling the whole truth or the whole story, but he can no longer quite pin it down. Jinyoung isn’t one to be deterred by challenges or difficulties but this is one thing that he can’t stand, knowing something is wrong but being unable to fix it. He curses Jaebum’s stupid sense of pride, his stupid stupid pride that won’t allow him to ask for help from the one person who has the potential to see through him.
But Jinyoung’s no liar, so he also grudgingly admits it’s not just Jaebum’s pride; it’s his sense of duty, his responsibility to protect.
And that’s why he doesn’t follow Jaebum when he walks straight to his bedroom after getting home, figure slouched and eyes fatigued. He lets Jaebum pull away because for once he doesn’t know what to do, because he knows if he confronts Jaebum he’ll come clean immediately, but will only withdraw even further afterwards.
That’s a thought Jinyoung can’t stand- even now it’s torture. Jaebum is always there physically, sometimes so close Jinyoung swears he can hear his heartbeat. But when their eyes meet there’s always a guardedness, a hint of apprehension lurking under the laughter. It tears him apart inside to know Jaebum is afraid of being seen through so he’s pushing him away, because he has this messed up notion that somehow not confiding his worries will make them less real, and the infuriating concept that his insecurities are somehow burdens.
Jinyoung misses the past when Jaebum’s responsibility only encompassed the two of them, much more like a comforting blanket than the smothering heaviness it is now. Jinyoung misses the candid, unreserved eye contact, the sly gazes and covert touches, skin brushing against skin and butterfly kisses trailing up and down necks.
Jinyoung misses Jaebum’s trust in him, and in himself.
~~
Surprisingly, Jinyoung is the one who snaps.
Or perhaps it’s not really surprising. Jaebum has trained himself too well, so if anything he’d be the one to implode, to break something inside himself irreversibly first before showing any outward reaction. Once again, the old Jaebum wouldn’t have been like this, but promises are strong. Jaebum is a man of his word, having learned to control his fiery personality so the only one he can burn is himself.
It’s a small thing that sets Jinyoung off. But that’s not exactly right- Jaebum showing no reaction to the maknaes’ ridiculous prank is only equivalent the last teeny tiny drop added to an already overflowing cup, causing the surface tension to tremble and finally break with that last additional droplet. It’s not that singular event that causes Jinyoung to snap but everything before, slowly building up until something has to give.
In all honestly it was probably the night before that Jinyoung had reached his breaking point, when their managers told Jackson he’d gotten yet other variety show offer and Jaebum’s jaw had tensed, clearing restraining himself as Jackson agreed enthusiastically, or as enthusiastically as he could manage while fighting a losing battle against his heavy eyelids. The worry and concern rolling off of Jaebum was palpable but he was reeling it back in, swallowing it back into his stomach only to let it stew. And Jinyoung knew what would result- dangerous levels of frustration and self-reproach, another layer of the glassiness over Jaebum’s eyes as he despaired, blaming himself for failing to protect.
The fire in Jaebum’s eyes had disappeared entirely, and that’s when Jinyoung’s heart nearly broke.
As soon as practice ends Jinyoung tugs Jaebum back, assuring his other members they’ll be back soon too but as soon as the door clicks shut both hands are clenching the collar of Jaebum’s shirt, yanking him roughly so there is no space between their faces, noses nearly brushing. Jaebum looks shocked and Jinyoung feels victorious- he got a reaction.
But all too soon Jaebum is pulling away from him again, eyes wide as he backs away but Jinyoung follows, pressing forward relentlessly until Jaebum has his back against the mirrors.
“Jinyoung what are you doing?”
“What are you doing?” Jinyoung shoots back, almost vicious. “Why did you let Jackson take on another schedule?”
Jaebum flinches and this time Jinyoung’s heart does break, because since when did Jaebum flinch? But Jinyoung is determined to continue, to bring the fire back so for the first time he’s the one who clings to the irrational anger coursing through him. Because if didn’t, he’d be breaking down in tears any second and then all would be for naught.
“You wanted to say something. You wanted to stop him but you didn’t. You know his body is gonna give out one of these days.”
Jinyoung’s tone is accusing, forceful, and he tries to force the desperate tone down but can’t succeed entirely.
Jaebum drops his eyes, figure slumping.
“Just drop it Jinyoung.”
“No!” The desperation can’t be suppressed any longer and now Jinyoung can only focus on holding back the prickling sensation at the corner of his eyes, raising his voice. “What are you doing? What’s wrong with you these days? You’re supposed to be our leader, so what are you doing?”
This causes Jaebum’s eyes to snap up and Jinyoung feels a surge of hope at the flash of anger in Jaebum’s eyes but he immediately regains control, averting his eyes yet again.
“It was Jackson’s choice. Isn’t a leader supposed to know when to step back, when it’s pointless to argue?” Jaebum replies stiffly, voice even but carrying a bitter undertone.
“This isn’t about Jackson!” Jinyoung’s screaming now because he’s going to start crying any second, and then it will all be over. Jaebum will feel guilty for making Jinyoung cry, and withdraw so completely it’ll be impossible for Jinyoung to bring him back. “This is about you! When did you become such a coward?”
Jaebum’s eyes flash again, but this time the anger stays.
“I’m doing what I think is best,” he takes a step forward so his back is no longer pressed against the mirrors. Jinyoung feels the hope expand in his chest; Jaebum’s mask is cracking. “There’s nothing I could have said to change things, so what do you want me to do?” Jaebum’s voice is raised at the end, bitterness and frustration evident now and Jinyoung steels himself to go in for the kill.
“TRY HARDER GODDAMMIT!”
Jinyoung is fully aware of what he’s just said, of the line being crossed as Jaebum’s eyes bulge, first in shock and then hurt and then finally fury as he advances forward, step after step as his face flushes in anger until now Jinyoung’s the one backed up against the wall.
“Try harder?” Jaebum’s voice is quiet but venomous, eyes blazing with a rage that has been suppressed for much too long. “Try harder? What the hell do you think I’ve been trying to do? How many meetings have I had with the managers to beg for a more balanced schedule, writing scripts for all the stupid interviews where they ask all the same stupid questions anyways, do you know how much sleep I’ve been getting?” his words are coming faster and faster, louder and louder as the dam is finally broken, “And what do they see? All they see are the damn RATINGS and RANKINGS and SALES and what the hell am I supposed to tell them? That all the kids are TIRED GODDAMMIT and they need rest but who the hell cares because we’re NEVER good enough but I can’t tell the kids that now can I because they’re all working their butts off, pouring their hearts into the fans and all I can do is NOTHING!
A fist is slammed down right next to Jinyoung’s ear and the entire wall of the practice room trembles, the aftermath echoing in the empty space. Jinyoung doesn’t even flinch but Jaebum is the one who does, sweaty and panting as he freezes. The silence is deafening, suspense wound up tight like a wristwatch being reset. They’re waiting for that first tick to break the silence, to signal time has gone on- except neither is willing to be the person to make the next defining move.
The silence is finally broken by a quiet, nearly inaudible sniffle. Jaebum immediately snaps his head up to stare at the source, letting out a sharp exhale as his fist drops and he jerks in panic, eyes zeroing in on the tears rolling down Jinyoung’s cheeks.
Time resumes.
“S-Shit I-” the anger is gone in an instant and Jaebum is only frantic, one hand coming up to cup Jinyoung’s face only to pull away at the last second, trying to step closer to comfort and move away at the same time. “Shit dammit I promised I-”
“Stop,” Jinyoung cuts him off and it’s only now that Jaebum realizes Jinyoung is smiling, he’s crying but he’s smiling at the same time and relief fills him, temporarily crowding out the guilt and panic.
“Screw your promise.”
And then they’re both crying, clinging to each other with arms and legs all tangled as they sink to the ground, one of them is hiccupping and one of them is nearly hyperventilating but it doesn’t matter because they’re together, because Jinyoung is in Jaebum’s arms and Jaebum’s face is buried in Jinyoung’s shoulder and it doesn’t matter if they’re not supposed to cry because it feels so damn liberating, because they’re really together, their irregular breathing somehow matching as shirts become soaked with the frustrations and despair and guilt and anger that have been kept in for much too long.
Jaebum’s not sure he’s felt so drained in his life, when the tears finally run dry and the only thing that’s preventing him from melting through the floor is Jinyoung’s firm arms wrapped snuggly around his body.
“I’m sorry,” Jaebum’s voice is hoarse and it cracks but Jinyoung understands, arms tightening as he noses Jaebum’s shoulder. Jaebum tightens his own grip around Jinyoung’s waist as well, pulling him closer as their breaths slowly even out together.
“I’m sorry too. But not really,” Jinyoung murmurs into Jaebum’s chest and Jaebum lets out a sharp bark of laughter. Jinyoung chuckles weakly as well. “You know I didn’t mean any of it, right?”
“You better not have,” is Jaebum’s retort but his tone is light.
“I meant it, though, about your promise. Screw it.” Jinyoung is slowly pulling away to sit up so he can make eye contact with Jaebum as he talks but Jaebum refuses to let go, holding Jinyoung down.
“Hyung,” Jinyoung whines, kicking lightly in protest and Jaebum relents, groaning as he pushes himself into an upright position so he can face Jinyoung. Their fingers, however, are now intertwined.
“When I made you promise not to get angry anymore, I didn’t mean it like this. Everyone gets angry, gets frustrated. You can’t keep everything in, hyung, you’re human too,” Jinyoung’s eyes are beseeching. “Please. Don’t push me away, and don’t try to carry everything on your own. You can’t protect six other people all on your own, no matter how much you’re determined to. ”
“It’s not just about my promise to you,” Jaebum frowns as he catches a hint of guilt in Jinyoung’s eyes. “And it’s my responsibility. But I…” Jaebum pauses, wetting his lips. “I know it’s too much. And I’m sorry for making you worry.”
Jinyoung shakes his head, expression set. “That’s not enough. I want a new promise.”
“And what would that be?”
“You need to talk to me. You don’t need to tell me everything, but every time something’s bothering you, talk to me. Don’t hold it in. It doesn’t matter if it’s something I can help solve or not, at least share it with me. Don’t you dare think that that’s being weak, or you’re burdening me, or-” Jinyoung breaks off, voice becoming shaky again and Jaebum’s heart clenches. Jinyoung takes a deep breath, then continues, “I missed you. I can’t-you pulling away- just don’t do it.” Jinyoung sounds so vulnerable at the end, so pleading that Jaebum can feel the remnants of the walls he put up being torn down completely.
“I promise.”
~~
Jaebum glares down at the menu in front of him, trying to focus on the ingredients and figure out exactly what the differences are between the entrees but another shriek from Jackson from across the table has him this close to punching the Hong Kong native in the face. The restaurant is loud and much too dim, the stupid lighting making him strain his eyes and he’s just tired godammit why can’t they just go home and order takeout or something? But nooooo maknae-line plus Jackson had to insist on going out to eat and so here he is, miserably trying to decipher the stupid menu through his developing headache. It wasn’t quite a full on headache yet, but Jaebum knew from experience that the pressure behind his eyes would soon be explode into something much more intense.
There’s a prickling sensation on the back of his neck that causes Jaebum to look up, eyes making contact with another’s. It’s Jinyoung, who’s sitting at the table behind his with Mark and Youngjae. He has an eyebrow raised and Jaebum swallows, understanding the unspoken question. He gnaws uncertainly on his bottom lip before turning to stare back down at his menu except his eyes are no longer focused on the words.
Jaebum exhales in a sigh, turning over his shoulder to seek out Jinyoung again. Jinyoung’s already looking at him, as if waiting for a response and Jaebum gives a curt nod. Jinyoung breaks out into a grin as he stands, making his way over to their manager while Jaebum sighs, folding up his menu to set nicely back on the table.
Two minutes later Jinyoung is pulling him up, throwing a See you guys later carelessly over his shoulder at the protests of their bewildered members.
And then they’re outside, a cool breeze brushing past their faces and Jaebum sighs again except this time it’s in satisfaction, letting Jinyoung pull him along because he’s content with the simple contact of Jinyoung’s fingers wrapped around his wrist. The pressure behind his eyes is already lessening.
After a quick stop at a convenience store and ten minutes of walking they’re at the Han River. Jinyoung is beaming as he pulls Jaebum down to sit on the grass, thrusting a sandwich into his hands and Jaebum can’t help but think how cliché this is but who even cares, he’s alone with Jinyoung under the night sky and it’s peaceful and what more could he ask for?
“You know, I feel like I should feel guilty for ditching our members but I don’t at all,” Jinyoung flops back onto his back, eyes crinkling into that familiar smile that can set Jaebum’s heart at ease no matter what the occasion.
“I don’t either,” Jaebum agrees, laying down as well as he peels the packaging off his sandwich. He takes a bit out of the sandwich but nearly chokes from the weird way it goes down his throat, shooting back up into a sitting position as he coughs. Jinyoung’s tinkling laughter rings in the background.
“Don’t try to eat laying down, you idiot,” Jinyoung scolds and he earns a half-hearted slap on the thigh and a glare. Jaebum opts to finish his sandwich sitting up.
For a good while, the only sound is Jaebum’s chewing and the various night sounds. Jaebum finally feels himself relax completely, the tension from the long day draining out of his shoulders.
“Thanks Jinyoungie,” Jaebum finally breaks the silence once he finishes eating, lowering himself onto his back once again. Within moments Jinyoung has moved over to snuggle up against him, head resting on Jaebum’s chest as he curls into him on his side.
“Thanks for keeping your promise,” Jinyoung responds. Jaebum’s hand comes up to comb through Jinyoung’s hair, whereas Jinyoung begins to draw random patterns on Jaebum’s stomach.
“Do you ever…” Jinyoung doesn’t finish his question but Jaebum knows exactly what he’s asking. His fingers temporarily still in Jinyoung’s hair as he contemplates his answer.
“I still think about it, occasionally,” Jinyoung continues. “I love everyone, so much, but I still catch myself thinking about the “what if’s” sometimes.” There’s wistfulness in Jinyoung’s voice, and Jaebum understands.
Having five other members is both a boon and a vice; it means more joy to share, but also a heavier burden to carry. For Jaebum, he wouldn’t give up his members for the world, not after everything they’ve already experienced and been through together, but like Jinyoung he also wonders. Wonders what if it was still just the two of them. Still only JJ Project. Like this, but every day.
Jaebum’s fingers resume in Jinyoung’s hair.
“I do too,” he admits. “I missed…this, and I know if this is all I had I’d be more than happy. But now that we’re here, where we are, I could never give up Got7.” Jaebum says this with conviction and Jinyoung tries to nod in agreement, but just ends up rubbing his head against Jaebum’s shoulder.
“Guess we just have to be content with whenever we get moments like these, huh?” Jinyoung smiles mischievously, tilting his head to blow hot air through the fabric of Jaebum’s shirt. Jaebum jerks, causing Jinyoung to burst into laughter at his reaction.
Jaebum hmphs, slapping the side of Jinyoung’s cheek lightly in retaliation but then settles back down.
“Yeah, I guess,” is his delayed response.
“But hey, you never know, we might get comeback soon,” Jinyoung points out and now it’s Jaebum’s turn to laugh.
“Yeah, we might,” he concedes and Jinyoung exhales contentedly.
“As long as we’re together, though, it doesn’t really matter, right?” Jinyoung says softly.
“Yeah,” Jaebum agrees.
“JJ Project or Got7. As long as we’re together.”
A/N: Man this took me forever to write. Also, there needs to be more JJP fics in general >.<
Please comment if you enjoyed, and don't forget to check out 7fics for more got7 fanfics! If you've got requests, that would be the place to leave 'em!
A/N: Basically just canon!JJP
Jaebum should’ve been angry. He should have been furious, really, because they’re doing fine.
Actually, the more he thinks about it, the more wronged he feels. They aren’t just doing fine, they’re doing damn well. He’s proud of his members, they’re feeling proud of themselves, and it’s all rightly so. He can see the effort during every single practice, from the eagerness to please every time a camera is aimed in their direction to Jackson and Mark’s grunts and groans as they massage their aching joints; from Youngjae skipping dinner to catch up on dancing to Bambam practicing his expressions for hours at a time in front of the mirror; from Jinyoung’s sacrifice of sleep to choreograph to Yugyeom’s sweat-soaked shirt as he picks himself off the ground to do yet another run through- they’ve all put in sweat, blood, tears, and so much more.
And it wasn’t just fruitless hard work. From album sales to positions on search engines, they were doing great for rookies. They were making a name for themselves, as Got7, no longer just the “new 2pm.”
True, Jaebum had relaxed a bit. The anxiety and fear and pressure had taken the fun out of much of it to begin with, but he’s starting to enjoy himself again. He’d started to feel a level of comfort, no longer putting on a show for the cameras because he had to, because he needed to entertain the fans, but because he wanted to please them. The fears constantly being whispered in the back of his mind had slowly become fainter, the don’t screw this up now Jaebum you’ve already failed once and the it’s not just Jinyoung this time you’ve got five others to let down now growing softer and softer.
He’d grown comfortable. He’d felt safe, even protected in Got7 despite the fact that he was the one who was supposed to be doing the protecting.
The old Im Jaebum would’ve been angry. Oh, the old Jaebum would’ve been absolutely furious. He probably would have clenched his teeth and spat out a sarcastic response as he stormed out, returning to the dorm to vent out his frustrations though screams and throwing things. The old Jaebum wouldn’t have cared about the consequences, only caring about living in the moment.
Except he’s not the old Jaebum anymore. He’s grown up now, changed, no longer naïve.
Now, he only feels tired. Tired of not being good enough. Frustrated, because they didn’t understand. Granted, it wasn’t everyone, but it was enough that those words had to be thrown back at him.
Try harder.
Jaebum doesn’t know whether to laugh or scoff. Just when those fears and sinister warnings were beginning to fade away, they had to be brought back in full force. He’d always been taught that the only thing he had full control of was his own future, nobody else’s, so now what is he supposed to do when the exact opposite is their reality? The constant comparison to the other rookie groups, who used to be friendly rivals but now can only been seen as a threat because apparently Jaebum’s efforts to control his own destiny hasn’t been enough. It’s the last thing Jaebum wants, but what control does he have?
The helplessness is the worst, and when Jaebum feels backed up in a corner his first instinct is to lash out, to at least go down fighting. But he’d learned his lesson from before the hard way so he just swallows it, gritting out yes I understands and of courses and I’ll talk to the kids with a firm mask of politeness in place.
But Jaebum’s lying. Because he has no intention of relaying any of that back to his members, because they don’t need those doubts poisoning their minds, they don’t need the fear and uncertainty plaguing them at night.
So Jaebum keeps the poison in, eating away at him from the inside out.
~~
It’s in Jinyoung’s nature to care for others.
Part of it was for the fans, of course. It’s a part of the job description- he’s been dubbed as the mother of the team, so of course he’s expected to play the part. But it isn’t difficult for him; Jinyoung is perceptive to begin with so acting on those observations seem like a given.
Jinyoung likes to think that he’s got all his members figured out, that try as they might to hide their insecurities, they’re all open books to him. So Jinyoung takes it upon himself to be that soothing balm for their various wounds and hurts, to be that calm assurance and comfort that they all need. Because at the end of the day, they’re all just boys chasing after a dream in a cruel businessman’s world.
But of course, there has to be an exception.
It’s natural to assume that since Jinyoung’s known Jaebum the longest, from when they were still those awkward yet somehow adorable, mid-puberty teens, that he’d have Jaebum all figured out by now. And to an extent, that’s true. Jinyoung can say with confidence he’s still the one who knows Jaebum best, the only one who can decipher and interpret the nuances in his subtle changes in posture and quick flashes of emotion across his irises.
But Jaebum’s no rock, either, and he’s learned as well. He’s learned to shove his feelings down even further, constructing a mask so sturdy Jinyoung can only catch glimpses of what’s behind, no choice but to fall back on intuition to interpret the rest. Jinyoung can still always tell when something’s up, when Jaebum isn’t telling the whole truth or the whole story, but he can no longer quite pin it down. Jinyoung isn’t one to be deterred by challenges or difficulties but this is one thing that he can’t stand, knowing something is wrong but being unable to fix it. He curses Jaebum’s stupid sense of pride, his stupid stupid pride that won’t allow him to ask for help from the one person who has the potential to see through him.
But Jinyoung’s no liar, so he also grudgingly admits it’s not just Jaebum’s pride; it’s his sense of duty, his responsibility to protect.
And that’s why he doesn’t follow Jaebum when he walks straight to his bedroom after getting home, figure slouched and eyes fatigued. He lets Jaebum pull away because for once he doesn’t know what to do, because he knows if he confronts Jaebum he’ll come clean immediately, but will only withdraw even further afterwards.
That’s a thought Jinyoung can’t stand- even now it’s torture. Jaebum is always there physically, sometimes so close Jinyoung swears he can hear his heartbeat. But when their eyes meet there’s always a guardedness, a hint of apprehension lurking under the laughter. It tears him apart inside to know Jaebum is afraid of being seen through so he’s pushing him away, because he has this messed up notion that somehow not confiding his worries will make them less real, and the infuriating concept that his insecurities are somehow burdens.
Jinyoung misses the past when Jaebum’s responsibility only encompassed the two of them, much more like a comforting blanket than the smothering heaviness it is now. Jinyoung misses the candid, unreserved eye contact, the sly gazes and covert touches, skin brushing against skin and butterfly kisses trailing up and down necks.
Jinyoung misses Jaebum’s trust in him, and in himself.
~~
Surprisingly, Jinyoung is the one who snaps.
Or perhaps it’s not really surprising. Jaebum has trained himself too well, so if anything he’d be the one to implode, to break something inside himself irreversibly first before showing any outward reaction. Once again, the old Jaebum wouldn’t have been like this, but promises are strong. Jaebum is a man of his word, having learned to control his fiery personality so the only one he can burn is himself.
It’s a small thing that sets Jinyoung off. But that’s not exactly right- Jaebum showing no reaction to the maknaes’ ridiculous prank is only equivalent the last teeny tiny drop added to an already overflowing cup, causing the surface tension to tremble and finally break with that last additional droplet. It’s not that singular event that causes Jinyoung to snap but everything before, slowly building up until something has to give.
In all honestly it was probably the night before that Jinyoung had reached his breaking point, when their managers told Jackson he’d gotten yet other variety show offer and Jaebum’s jaw had tensed, clearing restraining himself as Jackson agreed enthusiastically, or as enthusiastically as he could manage while fighting a losing battle against his heavy eyelids. The worry and concern rolling off of Jaebum was palpable but he was reeling it back in, swallowing it back into his stomach only to let it stew. And Jinyoung knew what would result- dangerous levels of frustration and self-reproach, another layer of the glassiness over Jaebum’s eyes as he despaired, blaming himself for failing to protect.
The fire in Jaebum’s eyes had disappeared entirely, and that’s when Jinyoung’s heart nearly broke.
As soon as practice ends Jinyoung tugs Jaebum back, assuring his other members they’ll be back soon too but as soon as the door clicks shut both hands are clenching the collar of Jaebum’s shirt, yanking him roughly so there is no space between their faces, noses nearly brushing. Jaebum looks shocked and Jinyoung feels victorious- he got a reaction.
But all too soon Jaebum is pulling away from him again, eyes wide as he backs away but Jinyoung follows, pressing forward relentlessly until Jaebum has his back against the mirrors.
“Jinyoung what are you doing?”
“What are you doing?” Jinyoung shoots back, almost vicious. “Why did you let Jackson take on another schedule?”
Jaebum flinches and this time Jinyoung’s heart does break, because since when did Jaebum flinch? But Jinyoung is determined to continue, to bring the fire back so for the first time he’s the one who clings to the irrational anger coursing through him. Because if didn’t, he’d be breaking down in tears any second and then all would be for naught.
“You wanted to say something. You wanted to stop him but you didn’t. You know his body is gonna give out one of these days.”
Jinyoung’s tone is accusing, forceful, and he tries to force the desperate tone down but can’t succeed entirely.
Jaebum drops his eyes, figure slumping.
“Just drop it Jinyoung.”
“No!” The desperation can’t be suppressed any longer and now Jinyoung can only focus on holding back the prickling sensation at the corner of his eyes, raising his voice. “What are you doing? What’s wrong with you these days? You’re supposed to be our leader, so what are you doing?”
This causes Jaebum’s eyes to snap up and Jinyoung feels a surge of hope at the flash of anger in Jaebum’s eyes but he immediately regains control, averting his eyes yet again.
“It was Jackson’s choice. Isn’t a leader supposed to know when to step back, when it’s pointless to argue?” Jaebum replies stiffly, voice even but carrying a bitter undertone.
“This isn’t about Jackson!” Jinyoung’s screaming now because he’s going to start crying any second, and then it will all be over. Jaebum will feel guilty for making Jinyoung cry, and withdraw so completely it’ll be impossible for Jinyoung to bring him back. “This is about you! When did you become such a coward?”
Jaebum’s eyes flash again, but this time the anger stays.
“I’m doing what I think is best,” he takes a step forward so his back is no longer pressed against the mirrors. Jinyoung feels the hope expand in his chest; Jaebum’s mask is cracking. “There’s nothing I could have said to change things, so what do you want me to do?” Jaebum’s voice is raised at the end, bitterness and frustration evident now and Jinyoung steels himself to go in for the kill.
“TRY HARDER GODDAMMIT!”
Jinyoung is fully aware of what he’s just said, of the line being crossed as Jaebum’s eyes bulge, first in shock and then hurt and then finally fury as he advances forward, step after step as his face flushes in anger until now Jinyoung’s the one backed up against the wall.
“Try harder?” Jaebum’s voice is quiet but venomous, eyes blazing with a rage that has been suppressed for much too long. “Try harder? What the hell do you think I’ve been trying to do? How many meetings have I had with the managers to beg for a more balanced schedule, writing scripts for all the stupid interviews where they ask all the same stupid questions anyways, do you know how much sleep I’ve been getting?” his words are coming faster and faster, louder and louder as the dam is finally broken, “And what do they see? All they see are the damn RATINGS and RANKINGS and SALES and what the hell am I supposed to tell them? That all the kids are TIRED GODDAMMIT and they need rest but who the hell cares because we’re NEVER good enough but I can’t tell the kids that now can I because they’re all working their butts off, pouring their hearts into the fans and all I can do is NOTHING!
A fist is slammed down right next to Jinyoung’s ear and the entire wall of the practice room trembles, the aftermath echoing in the empty space. Jinyoung doesn’t even flinch but Jaebum is the one who does, sweaty and panting as he freezes. The silence is deafening, suspense wound up tight like a wristwatch being reset. They’re waiting for that first tick to break the silence, to signal time has gone on- except neither is willing to be the person to make the next defining move.
The silence is finally broken by a quiet, nearly inaudible sniffle. Jaebum immediately snaps his head up to stare at the source, letting out a sharp exhale as his fist drops and he jerks in panic, eyes zeroing in on the tears rolling down Jinyoung’s cheeks.
Time resumes.
“S-Shit I-” the anger is gone in an instant and Jaebum is only frantic, one hand coming up to cup Jinyoung’s face only to pull away at the last second, trying to step closer to comfort and move away at the same time. “Shit dammit I promised I-”
“Stop,” Jinyoung cuts him off and it’s only now that Jaebum realizes Jinyoung is smiling, he’s crying but he’s smiling at the same time and relief fills him, temporarily crowding out the guilt and panic.
“Screw your promise.”
And then they’re both crying, clinging to each other with arms and legs all tangled as they sink to the ground, one of them is hiccupping and one of them is nearly hyperventilating but it doesn’t matter because they’re together, because Jinyoung is in Jaebum’s arms and Jaebum’s face is buried in Jinyoung’s shoulder and it doesn’t matter if they’re not supposed to cry because it feels so damn liberating, because they’re really together, their irregular breathing somehow matching as shirts become soaked with the frustrations and despair and guilt and anger that have been kept in for much too long.
Jaebum’s not sure he’s felt so drained in his life, when the tears finally run dry and the only thing that’s preventing him from melting through the floor is Jinyoung’s firm arms wrapped snuggly around his body.
“I’m sorry,” Jaebum’s voice is hoarse and it cracks but Jinyoung understands, arms tightening as he noses Jaebum’s shoulder. Jaebum tightens his own grip around Jinyoung’s waist as well, pulling him closer as their breaths slowly even out together.
“I’m sorry too. But not really,” Jinyoung murmurs into Jaebum’s chest and Jaebum lets out a sharp bark of laughter. Jinyoung chuckles weakly as well. “You know I didn’t mean any of it, right?”
“You better not have,” is Jaebum’s retort but his tone is light.
“I meant it, though, about your promise. Screw it.” Jinyoung is slowly pulling away to sit up so he can make eye contact with Jaebum as he talks but Jaebum refuses to let go, holding Jinyoung down.
“Hyung,” Jinyoung whines, kicking lightly in protest and Jaebum relents, groaning as he pushes himself into an upright position so he can face Jinyoung. Their fingers, however, are now intertwined.
“When I made you promise not to get angry anymore, I didn’t mean it like this. Everyone gets angry, gets frustrated. You can’t keep everything in, hyung, you’re human too,” Jinyoung’s eyes are beseeching. “Please. Don’t push me away, and don’t try to carry everything on your own. You can’t protect six other people all on your own, no matter how much you’re determined to. ”
“It’s not just about my promise to you,” Jaebum frowns as he catches a hint of guilt in Jinyoung’s eyes. “And it’s my responsibility. But I…” Jaebum pauses, wetting his lips. “I know it’s too much. And I’m sorry for making you worry.”
Jinyoung shakes his head, expression set. “That’s not enough. I want a new promise.”
“And what would that be?”
“You need to talk to me. You don’t need to tell me everything, but every time something’s bothering you, talk to me. Don’t hold it in. It doesn’t matter if it’s something I can help solve or not, at least share it with me. Don’t you dare think that that’s being weak, or you’re burdening me, or-” Jinyoung breaks off, voice becoming shaky again and Jaebum’s heart clenches. Jinyoung takes a deep breath, then continues, “I missed you. I can’t-you pulling away- just don’t do it.” Jinyoung sounds so vulnerable at the end, so pleading that Jaebum can feel the remnants of the walls he put up being torn down completely.
“I promise.”
~~
Jaebum glares down at the menu in front of him, trying to focus on the ingredients and figure out exactly what the differences are between the entrees but another shriek from Jackson from across the table has him this close to punching the Hong Kong native in the face. The restaurant is loud and much too dim, the stupid lighting making him strain his eyes and he’s just tired godammit why can’t they just go home and order takeout or something? But nooooo maknae-line plus Jackson had to insist on going out to eat and so here he is, miserably trying to decipher the stupid menu through his developing headache. It wasn’t quite a full on headache yet, but Jaebum knew from experience that the pressure behind his eyes would soon be explode into something much more intense.
There’s a prickling sensation on the back of his neck that causes Jaebum to look up, eyes making contact with another’s. It’s Jinyoung, who’s sitting at the table behind his with Mark and Youngjae. He has an eyebrow raised and Jaebum swallows, understanding the unspoken question. He gnaws uncertainly on his bottom lip before turning to stare back down at his menu except his eyes are no longer focused on the words.
Jaebum exhales in a sigh, turning over his shoulder to seek out Jinyoung again. Jinyoung’s already looking at him, as if waiting for a response and Jaebum gives a curt nod. Jinyoung breaks out into a grin as he stands, making his way over to their manager while Jaebum sighs, folding up his menu to set nicely back on the table.
Two minutes later Jinyoung is pulling him up, throwing a See you guys later carelessly over his shoulder at the protests of their bewildered members.
And then they’re outside, a cool breeze brushing past their faces and Jaebum sighs again except this time it’s in satisfaction, letting Jinyoung pull him along because he’s content with the simple contact of Jinyoung’s fingers wrapped around his wrist. The pressure behind his eyes is already lessening.
After a quick stop at a convenience store and ten minutes of walking they’re at the Han River. Jinyoung is beaming as he pulls Jaebum down to sit on the grass, thrusting a sandwich into his hands and Jaebum can’t help but think how cliché this is but who even cares, he’s alone with Jinyoung under the night sky and it’s peaceful and what more could he ask for?
“You know, I feel like I should feel guilty for ditching our members but I don’t at all,” Jinyoung flops back onto his back, eyes crinkling into that familiar smile that can set Jaebum’s heart at ease no matter what the occasion.
“I don’t either,” Jaebum agrees, laying down as well as he peels the packaging off his sandwich. He takes a bit out of the sandwich but nearly chokes from the weird way it goes down his throat, shooting back up into a sitting position as he coughs. Jinyoung’s tinkling laughter rings in the background.
“Don’t try to eat laying down, you idiot,” Jinyoung scolds and he earns a half-hearted slap on the thigh and a glare. Jaebum opts to finish his sandwich sitting up.
For a good while, the only sound is Jaebum’s chewing and the various night sounds. Jaebum finally feels himself relax completely, the tension from the long day draining out of his shoulders.
“Thanks Jinyoungie,” Jaebum finally breaks the silence once he finishes eating, lowering himself onto his back once again. Within moments Jinyoung has moved over to snuggle up against him, head resting on Jaebum’s chest as he curls into him on his side.
“Thanks for keeping your promise,” Jinyoung responds. Jaebum’s hand comes up to comb through Jinyoung’s hair, whereas Jinyoung begins to draw random patterns on Jaebum’s stomach.
“Do you ever…” Jinyoung doesn’t finish his question but Jaebum knows exactly what he’s asking. His fingers temporarily still in Jinyoung’s hair as he contemplates his answer.
“I still think about it, occasionally,” Jinyoung continues. “I love everyone, so much, but I still catch myself thinking about the “what if’s” sometimes.” There’s wistfulness in Jinyoung’s voice, and Jaebum understands.
Having five other members is both a boon and a vice; it means more joy to share, but also a heavier burden to carry. For Jaebum, he wouldn’t give up his members for the world, not after everything they’ve already experienced and been through together, but like Jinyoung he also wonders. Wonders what if it was still just the two of them. Still only JJ Project. Like this, but every day.
Jaebum’s fingers resume in Jinyoung’s hair.
“I do too,” he admits. “I missed…this, and I know if this is all I had I’d be more than happy. But now that we’re here, where we are, I could never give up Got7.” Jaebum says this with conviction and Jinyoung tries to nod in agreement, but just ends up rubbing his head against Jaebum’s shoulder.
“Guess we just have to be content with whenever we get moments like these, huh?” Jinyoung smiles mischievously, tilting his head to blow hot air through the fabric of Jaebum’s shirt. Jaebum jerks, causing Jinyoung to burst into laughter at his reaction.
Jaebum hmphs, slapping the side of Jinyoung’s cheek lightly in retaliation but then settles back down.
“Yeah, I guess,” is his delayed response.
“But hey, you never know, we might get comeback soon,” Jinyoung points out and now it’s Jaebum’s turn to laugh.
“Yeah, we might,” he concedes and Jinyoung exhales contentedly.
“As long as we’re together, though, it doesn’t really matter, right?” Jinyoung says softly.
“Yeah,” Jaebum agrees.
“JJ Project or Got7. As long as we’re together.”
A/N: Man this took me forever to write. Also, there needs to be more JJP fics in general >.<
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