替我幸福 (be happy for me) - [JJP Oneshot]
This oneshot was written to JB's "Forever Love" and Top Combine's 替我幸福 (Be Happy For Me) on loop, from which I drew a lot of inspiration. I highly recommend you listen to both songs. You can find my roughly translated lyrics for "Be Happy For Me" in the foreword of my AFF crosspost here.
~~
“Are you sure you want to do this?”
Mark finally asks after a long pause, carefully weighing his words before releasing them. Jinyoung straightens his suit, gaze fixed stubbornly on his reflection in the mirror. He smiles slightly, wearily.
“Yeah. I’m sure.”
Mark doesn’t ask again. He doesn’t need to. In this way, he and Jinyoung have always been similar. Nothing is ever said thoughtlessly, no word is ever wasted.
Mark’s asked once, Jinyoung had replied. There was nothing else to be said.
Mark offers out his arm, a flash of pity visible in his irises for just the briefest of moments, but it’s quickly pushed down when Jinyoung turns around to face him.
The last thing Jinyoung needs from him right now is his pity.
They have a show to put on, after all.
~~
It was Jaebum who’d caused the cards to collapse, all at once. It was his fault, he was the one who’d walked away.
It was perhaps the most eerie day of their lives. It was a situation that demanded chaos, out of control emotions, tears and screaming. Instead, the simultaneous breaking of two hearts was met by two faint smiles, two identical pairs of red-rimmed eyes and calm voices. Contradiction upon juxtaposition, the swirling mass of regrets and unwillingness in each carefully buried beneath a forced mask of calm.
The coldest of words, said in the gentlest, most loving way possible.
“I can’t be with you anymore.”
One, unable to hold back the tears. The other, forcing back the tears because he had absolutely no right to cry.
“I…You know how I feel about you. But we can’t go on like this anymore.”
Only more tears, creating two shiny, clear tracks across pale cheeks. A choked swallow followed, in order to force a hoarse voice to function again.
“Before… I asked you if you were happy. You said you weren’t sure. Were you really that unhappy?”
At that moment, Jaebum had almost lost it. He wanted so badly to reach out, to wipe those precious tears away. To take Jinyoung into his arms and soothe his brow until all signs of hurt had disappeared.
But he no longer had that right, because this time he was the cause of his pain. And he would no longer be able to do such a thing in the future.
He couldn’t keep being selfish, when he was already committing the ultimate act of selfishness.
Jinyoung needed to learn to be strong without him.
So he held back.
“I…was happy.”
~~
It was Jinyoung who took away their future.
It would be so easy to pretend Jaebum was the bad guy, the heartless coward that chose to marry a woman rather than face being disowned by his family. Or, to convince himself that Jaebum never loved him in the first place, or had lost interest along the way. It would be so easy for Jinyoung to cast himself as the victim.
But no, Jinyoung knew better than that. He knows, even as he’s collapsed on the kitchen floor, tears long-since run dry, that he was the one that sealed their fate.
“Will you leave with me? Get out of here, elope, whatever you want to call it. Go far, far away, away from all these people, leave all of our responsibilities. Would you come with me, Jinyoung?”
It didn’t matter that the question had been asked hypothetically. It didn’t matter that it was just one of their thousands of silly fantasies, nor did it matter that they both knew Jaebum hadn’t really meant it seriously.
Ah, but that’s where Jinyoung went wrong. It was meant seriously. No matter what Jinyoung would have said, neither of them would’ve acted upon it, that’s true. But it was said seriously in that a different question had been hanging between the spaces.
Will you love me forever, no matter what stands in our way? Are you willing to give everything up?
Jinyoung hadn’t been able to reply.
And it was his silence that single-handedly shattered all of Jaebum’s dreams, his courage, his confidence.
Jaebum already owed too much to his family. It wasn’t a matter of defiance, of standing up for oneself. It wasn’t even a question of filial piety. It was the line between basic human decency and utter betrayal.
Jaebum hadn’t been exactly obedient in his younger years, the hot passion that flowed in the blood of youth manifesting in the most destructive ways possible. To be fair, one could say Jinyoung was also the one who truly tamed him, the one who’d found the key to unlocking all that rampant teenage angst and providing it with a productive outlet.
But the damage that had already been done was irreparable, at least for the Im family. Be it financially (the bail, the fine, and god the other guy’s medical bills, combined had been way beyond their comfort zone), or emotionally, Jaebum had single-handedly demolished all stability.
Mr. and Mrs. Im’s relationship had always been fragile, easily breakable, but there was no denying it was Jaebum that had finally tore everything apart when he got arrested that night.
And it just so happened that Jinyoung was the one issue that his parents remained adamantly united on.
So Jinyoung’s silence made Jaebum’s choice for him.
In the end, duty trumped their notebooks full of self-written fairytales.
~~
Jaebum had walked away without looking back. He couldn’t look back, because in the end he couldn’t stop the tears. If he looked back, the words he really wanted to say would surely tumble out instead of the carefully rehearsed ones.
“It’s not my place to say, but don’t go drinking tonight or stay out too late, it’s going to be really cold.”
Please don’t get hurt, because I won’t be there to protect you.
“I… have to go. I already texted Mark to come pick you up though.”
Please don’t cry alone.
“I’m so sorry.”
I love you.
“Thank you for the memories, I really was happy.”
I miss you already.
~~
Jinyoung was lost.
Before, it was always Jaebum who found him. It had always been Jaebum who brought him out of his reveries, his bouts of melancholy and insecurity, his periods of doubt and vicious cycles of existential crises.
But Jaebum wasn’t here anymore. He was no longer in Jinyoung’s life, but Jinyoung found himself unable to stop searching for him. Jaebum had always been the answer, the light that led him out of the mazes his mind built with the walls his heart put up.
So even now, Jinyoung’s life revolved around Jaebum Jaebum Jaebum.
He wondered if he was happy. If he, too, sometimes cried himself to sleep like Jinyoung did, and even woke to tears in the middle of the night. He wondered if Jaebum missed him at all, thought of him at all.
Sometimes, Jinyoung would walk through their apartment and it was like walking through the set of play, a play of his life, but it was just a set nonetheless. It didn’t seem real, because Jaebum wasn’t here. It didn’t seem like reality, because even if traces of Jaebum remained in every nook and cranny, the space was still so empty.
So familiar, but still so detatched.
~~
Jaebum feeds the pages of the notebook to the flames one at a time, watching the white paper turn brown, then black, and then crumble into ash and smoke.
He reads each one before tearing it out and releasing it to the fire, committing every word to memory. Every single silly story, every doodle, every word.
*
24. Go paragliding.
*
83. Re-enact a scene from Secret Garden.
*
20120830: Today Jaebum was a jerk and forgot to pick me and it started storming, so I had to take the bus (after waiting an hour) and got soaked on the walk to and from the bus stop. Jaebum was so guilty, he promised to buy me lunch for a week.
I also made him promise me that we’ll go swim with dolphins and scuba dive someday, kekeke~
*
136: Kiss at the tallest and lowest point on earth.
*
224. Sing in the shower together.
*
Even now, with his shiny new engagement ring on his finger, Jaebum is selfish. He should’ve left Jinyoung’s notebook behind- it wasn’t even his to take in the first place, he should’ve taken his own- but he couldn’t help it.
He hadn’t been able to resist the urge to impress upon Jinyoung that it all still meant something to him, and force on Jinyoung the idea that Jaebum still wished to hold onto Jinyoung’s memories, dreams, and hopes, even as he was leaving him behind.
Jaebum’s the most selfish ever, because even now, he still wants Jinyoung to know Im Jaebum never stopped loving Park Jinyoung. He took Jinyoung’s notebook but left his own, leaving Jinyoung his own record of memories, dreams, and hopes.
They all included Jinyoung.
He wants Jinyoung to know he’ll always be in his heart.
But he can’t be by his side any longer.
~~
Jaebum is stunning. Gorgeous. Breathtaking. Majestic.
He’s wearing a white suit, which is a bit untraditional, but he matches the bride, so in the end that’s all the matters, right?
Jinyoung is already finding it hard to breathe and they’d just barely arrived.
Mark squeezes his hand gently, providing reassurance, and Jinyoung appreciates it. He really does, because it helps a little. Not much, but anything is better than nothing at this point.
The vows go without a hitch. Of course they do. There are cheers, laughter, and some tears, and then it’s done. It seems to last forever, but then it’s over within the blink of an eye.
Jinyoung’s eyes get misty, but he’s had more than enough time to learn self-control. No tears fall, at least not this time.
He just clutches Mark’s arm tightly, probably hard enough to bruise, but Mark’s not his best friend for no reason. He doesn’t flinch, doesn’t say a word.
~~
It’s his wedding, and he shouldn’t have eyes for anyone besides his bride, but when did Jaebum ever have self-control when it came to Jinyoung?
When he sees Jinyoung holding hands with Mark, it’d be a lie to say his heart didn’t sting, just the slightest. But then the pain passes, and Jaebum feels relief. A hint of bitterness remains, but the relief is what wins over.
I’m glad you have someone to help you up when you fall.
I’m glad you don’t have to cry alone.
When the two of them approach to present them with their well-wishes and gifts, the atmosphere is a bit off, but not unpleasant. Just the slightest bit of awkwardness and uncertainty, but with both parties stubbornly set on doing this right, the tension is minimal.
The generic words of congratulations are exchanged, and Mark passes his present over first. It’s a small gift bag, added to the large pile to be opened later. The bride and groom both express their gratitude graciously.
Jaebum’s heart almost stops when Jinyoung pulls out his present. It’s not wrapped at all, and so Jaebum recognizes it all too easily.
“This used to be yours, Jaebum. Kind of a lame present, I know, but I think with the value of what’s written inside, I can be forgiven? Especially since you still have mine.”
I’m returning what’s most valuable to you; we should both move on. I’m releasing your heart, even if you still have mine.
“Of course, thank you, this means a lot.” Jaebum’s voice is shaky as he takes his notebook from Jinyoung’s hands, something he never thought would ever be returned to him.
Have you really moved on?
“I thought you’d like to share it with your wife. After all, there are a lot of unfulfilled dreams left in there, things I’m sure our new Mrs. Im here would love to finish with you.”
Don’t worry about my feelings anymore. Your future no longer belongs to me, so please complete it with someone else.
“Yes, I think so too.”
~~
Blessings bestowed, Jinyoung is finally guided away by Mark who has gentle hand on the small of his back.
Once again, he’s incredibly thankful for his friend, because the tears have finally come. There’s no harsh breathing, no sobs, but his vision has blurred to the point where nothing is visible anymore.
As he walks away, Jinyoung feels at peace. Broken-hearted, still, but determined to find closure.
Are you happy?
Jinyoung doesn’t need a reply anymore.
You must be happy.
Be happy for me.