Invisible Threads - Part 3/3
Fandom: Star Trek TOS
Pairing: Kirk/Spock, mentions of canon others
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Kirk is understandably hesitant about starting a relationship with Spock; the last time he tried, Spock left him to pursue the kolinahr. But when Spock becomes ill while visiting his parents on Vulcan, Kirk decides that some things are worth the risk.
Words: ~6300/20800
Kirk feels much more alert the next time he wakes up, and realises in shock that the better part of a day has passed since his arrival. Must have been more tired than I thought. He turns to Spock and smiles as he sees that the dark shadows under his eyes are finally gone. "You look better," he says. "Have you slept at all since you left Earth?"
"Very little," Spock replies quietly. "I kept having nightmares of losing you."
Kirk presses their foreheads together gently, projecting reassurance. "Me too," he confesses. "But they're gone now."
He pulls back and smiles. "I'm hungry; how about you?" When Spock nods, he continues, "Then I think the next task on the agenda is food." He glances down and adds, "Well, all right, we might want to get dressed first."
It doesn't take long for them to shower and dress, and they head down to the kitchen in search of food.
They've slept right through breakfast, so Spock makes them a basic meal of soup and sandwiches, and soon they are sitting at the kitchen table eating. Kirk practically inhales his food, feeling like he hasn't eaten for weeks. Spock is less enthusiastic, but still seems to enjoy it.
"So, any plans for today?" Kirk asks when he has finished his meal.
Spock tilts his head in thought. "I would like to spend some time in meditation. I feel that I will have more success now that I am fully rested."
"How long will that take?"
Spock considers the question. "I am not sure. At least half-an-hour, probably more given that I have not managed a sufficiently deep meditative state in several days."He frowns slightly. "It would perhaps be better if you did not accompany me."
"Why?" Kirk asks. "I thought we were supposed to stick together."
A faint flush spreads across Spock's cheeks. "I believe your presence would prove… distracting."
Kirk grins. "I'm flattered." He shrugs and adds, "All right; I'm sure I can amuse myself for a while. I should probably check in with Command anyway." He lays a hand over Spock's on the table and adds seriously, "You will call if you need anything?"
"You have my word," Spock replies. "Thank you."
He clears away their plates and goes off to meditate. Kirk closes his eyes and follows along the link until he is satisfied that Spock's really okay. Then he goes to contact Starfleet.
* * *
After checking in with his staff and reassuring himself that he isn't missing anything, Kirk decides to explore the house. At least, that's the idea, but after looking in several rooms he comes across a library, and immediately gets distracted.
It's a beautiful room; dark wooden shelves with real, paper books on them, and two velvet-lined armchairs with a table between them for reading. Kirk is entranced; he always has loved books.
Most of the books are in Vulcan, but he finds several dozen in other languages, including Standard. He smiles as he comes across a copy of Alice in Wonderland, remembering their adventures on the Shore Leave planet.
Out of curiosity he looks to see if there are any books on Vulcan anatomy or bonding. He still has a few questions that he'd prefer not to bother Spock about. He will if he has to, but he'd much rather find out the answers for himself. But after searching through the shelves, he resigns himself to asking Spock after all. There aren't any books on those topics, at least in any of the languages he's familiar with. He stares with a little frustration at the books in Vulcan, wishing the language wasn't so hard to learn.
"Jim?"
Kirk jumps and whirls round to see Amanda standing just inside the doorway. "Sorry; am I allowed to be in here?" he asks, concerned that he might have overstepped his bounds.
Amanda waves a hand. "Don't be silly; of course you are!" She smiles at him. "I assume you're both feeling better?"
Kirk nods. "Spock's meditating, but as far as I can tell he's almost completely recovered."
"That's good," Amanda says with relief. "I was so worried about him." She takes a step closer and rests her hand on one of the armchairs. "And by the way, you don't have to hide anything. I know the two of you are involved."
Kirk swallows, trying to figure out what to say. "What… what makes you say that?"
She gives him an amused look. "I checked in on the two of you a few hours ago, when you were sleeping. You might want to lock the door next time."
He feels his face heat up as the implication hits him. "Oh."
"It isn't a problem," she reassures him quickly. "I'm very happy for you both. Spock has always spoken so highly of you."
"Does Sarek know?" Kirk asks tentatively. It's bad enough that Spock's mother saw them sleeping together, even in the literal sense, but Sarek would be a whole different level of embarrassment.
"Not yet," she replies, to his relief. "Although, to be honest, we've both had our suspicions since Spock told us about the mindlink." She smiles at him. "If you're worried about his reaction, don't be. He might not show it, but he's quite fond of you."
Kirk gives her a sceptical look, but mentally flashes back to Sarek asking if he and Spock had discussed bonding. Maybe it was meant to be an encouragement. He doesn't know whether the idea is flattering or terrifying. "He wouldn't rather Spock be bonded to a Vulcan woman?"
Amanda shakes her head. "After what happened with T'Pring, we agreed we'd let Spock make his own choices. It's more important that he be safe and happy." She smiles. "Besides, the kind of mental compatibility that would lead to a spontaneous mindlink is highly valued in Vulcan culture. Even if Sarek did disapprove, he wouldn't dream of interfering with that."
Kirk feels tension drain out of him at her words. "That's good to know."
"You might want to tell him soon, though," she says. "Before he figures it out on his own."
"I'll keep that in mind," Kirk replies, and turns to leave.
"Oh," Amanda says, and he turns back. "I meant to ask; were you looking for anything in particular?" She indicates the rows of books.
Kirk considers lying, but he's still curious, and she's more likely than almost anyone else to know of any relevant information. "Actually, I was wondering if you had any books on…." He trails off, searching for the right term. "Vulcan biology."
She gives him a knowing look. "You mean pon farr?"
Kirk stares at her, wide eyed, and wonders if that's some kind of code term that he wasn't aware of. "Among other things," he manages awkwardly. "Spock doesn't like to talk about it."
Amanda nods. "They're taught from childhood that it's not to be discussed. Parents don't even talk about it with their children - when Spock was old enough Sarek gave him a computer file with the information, and that was that." She sighs heavily. "I heard about what happened at the kal-i-fee. I'm sorry."
Kirk shrugs, unsure of what to say.
"I can't help thinking that if we'd talked to him honestly about it at the start, things would have been different."
"It isn't meant to be like that, is it?" Kirk asks. He has wondered on and off over the years what would have happened if T'Pring hadn't chosen the challenge.
Amanda shakes her head vehemently. "No. What happened at that time was an aberration."
She sits down in the armchair next to her and gestures for him to join her. When they are both seated she continues. "If the two of you go through it as a bonded pair, it will be completely different. He won't hurt you." She waves a hand, and adds, "No, it's more than that. He can't hurt you. The bond will prevent it."
Kirk nods. "How long does it last?"
"That depends," she replies. "Usually anywhere from one to three days, but it has been known to last longer." She gives a half-smile. "You're going to want to be in complete seclusion during that time. He won't hurt you, but there's a chance he'll hurt someone else if he sees them as a threat."
Kirk nods, remembering the madness in Spock's eyes. "Anything else I should know?"
She shakes her head. "Just remember there's no reason to be nervous. It can actually be quite pleasant once you get used to it." She smiles and Kirk has to force his mind away from sudden disturbing images of Sarek.
He decides he's reached his awkwardness limit for the time being and abruptly stands up. "Thanks for the information," he says. "I think I'm going to go find Spock."
"Tell him I'm glad he's feeling better," she replies.
Kirk nods and swiftly leaves.
Once he is out of the room, he hesitates. He doesn't want to disturb Spock's meditation, so instead he heads further into the house and away from any more potentially disturbing conversations.
* * * * *
Spock comes out of the meditative trance feeling refreshed, and better than he has in days. As he changes out of his robe, he finds his mind drifting to Kirk, and still cannot fully believe that his friend is here and willing to bond with him. The mere thought of what they shared last night makes his heart speed up, and he leaves the room to go look for Kirk.
He finds him in the conservatory, gazing out of the window at the mountains. Spock makes his way over to him, and Kirk looks up as he approaches. "Hey," he says with a warm smile. "Finished meditating?"
Spock nods. "I trust all is well back at Starfleet?"
"Seems that way," Kirk replies.
"Do you miss it?" Spock asks. He knows how important the Enterprise is to his friend, and has to wonder if Kirk resents being dragged away from his work.
Kirk considers the question. "A little. But they can manage without me for a few days. To be honest, I probably needed the break." Shaking his head, he adds, "I didn't realise how hard I was working, trying to keep myself from wanting this." He slips his arms around Spock's waist and leans up to kiss him.
Spock rests his hands on Kirk's arms and relaxes into the kiss. He doesn't know if he'll ever get used to this.
When they break apart, he reaches up and gently runs his fingers down Kirk's face.
Kirk smiles, and then pulls back a little and clears his throat. "I talked to your mother," he says abruptly. "She knows we're together."
"Ah," Spock replies, dropping his hand. "How did she react?"
"Very well," Kirk says. "She's happy for you - for us."
Spock frowns. Kirk's tone and expression do not seem to match his words. "If she reacted well, why do you seem so uncomfortable?" he asks.
Kirk sighs. "We sort of got onto the subject of… pon farr," he admits. "I'm not comfortable thinking about your father that way."
Spock blinks, unsure of what to say. "My mother can be quite… straightforward at times," he admits quietly. "I regret that she embarrassed you."
Kirk shakes his head. "No, it's fine. I'm not sure it's a situation I want to repeat, but she did give me some good advice." He smiles. "The bottom line is you don't have to worry about hurting me."
"That is fortunate," Spock says. "I was… concerned. I would never wish to harm you."
"I know," Kirk replies softly.
After a moment he takes a step back and smoothes down his shirt. "We're going to have to tell your father," he says. "Before he finds out on his own."
"Yes," Spock agrees. "I confess I am not looking forward to the idea."
Kirk shrugs. "Your mother seems to think he'll be okay with it."
"She has been wrong before," Spock replies quietly. "But it matters little. I intend to bond with you whatever his reaction."
Kirk gives him a broad smile; the kind that makes Spock believe he can do anything. "And we should tell Bones, as well," he says. "To be honest, he's part of the reason I decided to give this a chance. I want him to be the first to know."
Spock reaches for his hand and curls his fingers around it gently. "Of course."
A few minutes later they're both sitting in front of the computer console in Spock's bedroom. Kirk taps in the code, and McCoy appears almost immediately. His expression brightens when he sees them.
"I see you're both feeling better then," he says. "Not that I'm surprised."
Kirk nods, smiling. "And we have some news." He glances at Spock.
McCoy looks amused. "I think I can guess, but go on."
"We have decided to bond," Spock says, and McCoy breaks into a grin.
"Got it in one!" he crows, before adding warmly, "Congratulations. It's obvious the two of you belong together."
"Thanks, Bones," Kirk replies, with a grin of his own. "And thanks for the advice before. It really helped."
"No problem," McCoy says, waving a hand. "So, do your parents know?"
"My mother is aware of the relationship," Spock replies. "We shall inform my father when he returns from work."
Kirk nods. "And I still have to tell my mother, but I'd prefer to do it in person."
"So when are the two of you coming back to Earth?" McCoy asks.
Kirk frowns and looks at Spock. "A few days?"
Spock nods. "I would prefer to stay until the link has fully healed." He glances at Kirk. "And there are things I would like to show you." Since they're both here, they might as well make it a real vacation.
Kirk looks back at the screen. "A few days," he says firmly.
"Well, have fun," McCoy says.
Kirk glances at Spock again and grins in a way that makes Spock's heart race. "I intend to."
* * *
They spend most of the afternoon talking, getting to know each other again, and playing chess. The board they are playing on belonged to his grandfather, and Kirk smiles when Spock tells him that his mother used it to teach him the game when he was young.
They are halfway through a game when Sarek gets back. They exchange glances and immediately decide to abandon the game; better to get the conversation over with now.
With trepidation, Spock enters the main hallway, where Sarek and Amanda are talking. Kirk follows close behind him.
"My son," Sarek says when he catches sight of them. "I am gratified to learn of your recovery." His eyes flick to Kirk. "And Kirk, I thank you for your assistance."
"Father," Spock says, "I - we - have something to discuss with you."
Sarek raises an eyebrow. "Very well. Let us sit down."
The four of them enter the lounge and sit down; Kirk and Spock on one couch and Sarek and Amanda opposite. Spock looks at Kirk and tells himself that whatever happens, he is making the right choice.
"Well, my son?" Sarek asks when they are all seated.
Spock glances at Kirk and then says hesitantly, "You do not need to find me another bondmate. Jim and I are involved, and I intend to bond with him."
His father is silent for a long moment. "I see," he says eventually, face and voice expressionless. "You are certain of this decision?"
"Yes," Spock says firmly, and takes hold of Kirk's hand.
It is a fairly blatant gesture, but Sarek merely raises an eyebrow and turns to Kirk. "And you, Kirk? You are not a telepath. Are you certain you understand the full intensity of a bond?"
"Yes," Kirk replies, squeezing Spock's hand. "We've discussed it at length."
Sarek stares at them for a moment, then, to Spock's surprise, his expression softens. "In that case, I shall draw up the paperwork."
He folds his hands in his lap and says formally, "James, I welcome you to our family."
Spock blinks, noting the change in name. It appears his father is serious. He glances at Kirk, who looks as surprised as he feels.
"Thank you, Ambassador," Kirk says.
"You may call me Sarek."
Kirk nods, still looking slightly stunned. "Sarek."
"Well," his mother says, smiling. "I feel like this deserves some kind of celebration."
She leaves the room and returns with four glasses of a sparkling liquid. "Champagne," she explains, as she hands Spock a glass. "To celebrate." Spock studies the liquid; he has heard of it, but has never actually tried any before.
Kirk takes his own glass and gives Spock a quick smile. When his mother is seated again, she raises her glass and says, "A toast; to Jim and Spock."
Spock has seen enough toasts to know what happens next, but it still seems slightly silly to him. Still, he dutifully touches his glass to the others and takes a sip.
The champagne is pleasant, but it isn't until later, when his mother touches his arm and tells him how happy she is for him, that Spock realises that this is real - he really is going to bond with the person he loves, and his parents are happy for him.
He catches Kirk's eye and lets his expression soften into a smile.
* * * * *
Over dinner, Amanda mentions visiting San Francisco a few months ago, and Kirk expresses an interest in looking around ShiKahr. Spock seems more than willing, so the next day the two of them go out to explore. Spock decides to start by flying over the city and showing him the view from the air.
ShiKahr is a huge city - around the size of New York City on Earth - and very impressive when seen from above. The explorer in Kirk delights at the similarities and differences between Vulcan architecture and that of the many other planets he has been to.
Spock supplies him with information on many of the landmarks, both cultural and personal. Kirk knows enough about Spock's childhood to know that it wasn't a happy time for him, and so doesn't comment on the slight flatness to his tone as he identifies places from his past.
"What's that big white building over there?" Kirk asks, pointing ahead of them.
"That is the headquarters of the Vulcan Science Academy," Spock replies. "The Academy has outposts in almost every major city, but their headquarters are here in ShiKahr."
"Isn't that the place you rejected to join Starfleet?" Kirk asks, remembering Amanda's explanation of the rift between Spock and his father all those years ago.
Spock nods. "In truth, I suspect they were relieved at my choice."
"Why?" Kirk asks immediately. "You're one of the smartest people I know. Why wouldn't they want you?"
Spock makes a miniscule course correction, deftly avoiding his gaze. "There has never been a non-Vulcan member of the Science Academy."
It takes a moment for that to sink in. "That's…. But that's ridiculous! You're as Vulcan as any of them!"
"There are many who would disagree with that assessment," Spock replies quietly. "Several of the senior staff were among them." One corner of his mouth quirks upwards as he adds, "However, if they had thought differently we would never have met, so in a way I should thank them."
Something inside Kirk aches at Spock's confession. He remembers asking Spock once before why he joined Starfleet, and getting the response, ‘It seemed like the most profitable use of my skills.' It never occurred to him that there might be more to the story. "I'm sorry," he says.
Spock tilts his head, acknowledging the words. "It is in the past," he replies. "I am not the person I was then." They reach the outskirts of the city and Spock turns the air-car around and glances at him. "Is there anything else you wish to see?"
Kirk considers it. "Not from the air, but if you don't mind, I'd like to check out that marketplace we passed. Peter's birthday's in a couple of weeks and I still have to get him a present."
"Of course," Spock says, adjusting their course appropriately. "How is your nephew?"
Kirk smiles, leaning back in his seat. "He's great. Planning on joining Starfleet after he graduates."
Spock glances at him and Kirk laughs. "Don't look at me like that; I had nothing to do with it! I didn't even know he was considering joining up until he'd already made the decision."
"But you are pleased with his choice?" Spock asks.
"Yes, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't be just as pleased if he'd chosen to be a…." Kirk grapples for options. "…Botanist or a librarian or something. He knows I'd be proud of him no matter what."
"I am certain he does," Spock replies quietly. "He is a lucky young man."
Kirk glances at him and wonders if he'll ever get the full story of Spock's childhood. Still, he thinks, it isn't as though there aren't things from my own past I'd prefer to keep private. He settles back in his seat. He knows enough about his friend to want to spend the rest of his life with him; anything else is up to Spock.
* * *
Spock lands the air-car in a parking lot near to the marketplace and the two of them climb out. Kirk winces as the hot air hits them; it's like being in a sauna. At least it's a dry heat, he thinks, trying, with slight desperation, to see the good in the situation.
"Okay," he says to Spock, and waves an arm. "Lead on."
He follows Spock through the parking lot and a few minutes later they are standing at the entrance to a shaded area containing what is probably the most organised market Kirk has ever seen. Everything is in order; clothes with clothes, jewellery with jewellery, food with food. Even without looking at the stallholders it is easy to tell which stalls are manned by non-Vulcans; they're the only ones that aren't perfectly clean and tidy. There is no yelling; none of the usual patter heard in marketplaces. And, from what Kirk can see, there isn't a lot of haggling either.
"Not what you were expecting?" Spock asks, leaning in close to him.
"Not exactly," Kirk admits. "But it'll do." With that he strides forward and heads for a stall selling what look like Vulcan weapons.
He is examining an unusual curved knife when Spock appears beside him. "I'm not certain your mother would appreciate you sending your nephew a tricheq," he says, eyebrows raised. Kirk assumes that's the name of the knife he's holding.
"Probably not," he replies, placing it carefully back on the table. "But at least I could be sure he wouldn't already have one." He moves along to the next stall before Spock can make any further comments.
Spock manages to get his own back for the knife comment, though. They are passing several stalls selling birds, cats, fish, and other assorted livestock, when Spock stops suddenly and peers into a cage. "Perhaps Peter would be interested in one of these," he says.
Kirk comes over to see what he is looking at and blanches when he recognises the current occupant of the cage. It's a tribble. "Not a chance in hell."
Spock practically radiates amusement for the next half-dozen stalls.
Kirk eventually settles on what Spock assures him is a kind of Vulcan puzzle box, and they begin to make their way back. They are nearing the exit when Spock stops dead, staring ahead of them.
Kirk follows his gaze to a Vulcan woman at a nearby stall. She is accompanied by a small child, maybe four or five years old, and looks vaguely familiar. Kirk frowns, trying to place her, and then the woman turns and recognition slams into him. T'Pring.
"Ignore her," he mutters, grabbing Spock's wrist and giving it a tug. "Come on, let's just go."
Unfortunately T'Pring looks up at that moment, and her eyes widen as she catches sight of them. Kirk fights to keep his expression blank as she walks over to them, the child - a girl - following behind her.
"Spock," she says. "Captain Kirk. I hope you are well."
No thanks to you, Kirk thinks bitterly. "It's Admiral Kirk," he corrects her.
"I shall make a note of it," T'Pring replies calmly. Kirk can't quite decide whether she's mocking him or not.
The girl tugs at T'Pring's robes and asks something in Vulcan. T'Pring glances down at her and replies, then turns back to Kirk and Spock and says in Standard, "This is my daughter, T'Lira."
"How old is she?" Kirk asks, curious in spite of himself.
"Five point two standard years," T'Pring says, and her expression flickers slightly, as if she expects them to comment on her answer.
"And how is Stonn?" Spock asks. It almost sounds like a challenge.
"Adequate," T'Pring replies. "We are quite content." She raises her eyebrows and adds, "We have found that having is, indeed, as pleasant as wanting."
Kirk frowns and glances at Spock. The words don't mean anything to him, but they seem to mean something to Spock, given the way his eyes widen.
"And you?" T'Pring asks. "Have you found another bondmate?"
Spock glances at him a little helplessly, and Kirk deliberately shifts closer. "Yes, he has," he says firmly.
She glances between them and raises her eyebrows. "Ah; of course. I should have known." Her eyes flicker to Spock and she says something in Vulcan that causes him to flush slightly. Switching back to Standard, she adds quietly, "I wish you to know that I never wished to cause you harm. I made the choice I did because it was the only option open to me."
"I understand," Spock says, and Kirk looks at him in surprise.
T'Pring glances down at her daughter, who is staring up at them with interest. "We must go now. I hope you have a fulfilling life together."
"Live long and prosper, T'Pring," Spock says, right hand forming the Vulcan salute.
T'Pring mirrors the gesture. "Live long and prosper, Spock. Kirk."
As they walk back to the parking lot, Kirk asks, "What did she say to you after I told her we were together?"
Spock glances at him, but looks away before saying quietly, "That if I had figured out my feelings earlier, I could have saved us all a great deal of trouble."
It's a thought that has crossed Kirk's own mind once or twice, but he's still annoyed at T'Pring for saying it. "Well, it worked out in the end," he says. "That's all that matters."
They are on their way back to the house when something hits him. He does a quick calculation, and frowns. "How long are Vulcan pregnancies?"
"Approximately three Vulcan seasons, or around eleven standard months," Spock replies, with no indication that he considers it a strange question. "Although my mother's was slightly shorter due to my unique biology."
"T'Pring would've been pregnant when we last met."
Spock merely nods, and Kirk looks at him curiously. "You knew?"
"I suspected," Spock replies. He shifts uncomfortably and adds, "If we had… coupled… at that time, she would likely have lost the child."
"Oh." Kirk considers that, thinking of the little girl with her. "Is that why you said you understood?"
"In part." Spock glances at him, expression unusually open. "She chose to protect the person she loved. I can understand that, even if I do not approve of her methods."
Kirk reaches out and lays a hand on top of Spock's where it rests on the control panel. "I guess I never thought of it that way before."
Spock doesn't reply, merely turns his hand under Kirk's so that they are holding hands. They stay that way for long minute, soaking in the comfort of each other's presence. Spock eventually removes his hand in order to make a course correction, and Kirk leans back in his seat.
"Did you ever think about having kids?" he asks abruptly. It isn't a question that seemed particularly relevant before now, but after meeting T'Pring's daughter he finds himself curious.
Spock pauses before answering. "Due to my unique physiology, the chances of my being able to father a child are effectively zero."
"So you've never even considered it?"
Spock shakes his head. "I have no particular aversion to children, but neither have I felt any desire for any of my own. In any case, our profession is not entirely suited to parenthood."
"Mmm," Kirk agrees, glancing out of the window.
"And you?" Spock asks. "Do you want children?"
And there's the million credit question, Kirk thinks. "No," he answers. It's the truth, but it feels like a lie.
Spock gives him a curious look, but thankfully doesn't push the subject further.
Kirk spends the rest of the flight back to the house fighting with his own conscience over whether to tell Spock the truth. When they arrive he heads straight for the kitchen to get a drink; as much to give himself time to think as because he's actually thirsty.
He orders a glass of ice-cold water and only realises how thirsty he actually is when he takes the first sip. By the time Spock enters the kitchen he has almost finished the whole glass.
"Are you all right?" Spock asks in concern.
"Yes, I'm fine. Just thirsty." He drains the rest of the glass and orders a refill.
"You should have told me," Spock chides him gently. "In this heat you could easily become dehydrated."
"You sound like Bones," Kirk tells him, leaning back against the counter. As he intended, Spock looks mildly put out by the comparison. "Anyway," Kirk continues, "I thought I was the one keeping an eye on you. How are you feeling?"
"Very well," Spock replies. "Better than before I came here." He wanders over to the table and picks up a note. "My mother has gone to tutor one of her students. She will be back in around an hour and a half." When he looks up, there is a glint in his eye. "We will have the house to ourselves until she returns."
The idea definitely has appeal, but Kirk knows avoiding the problem won't make it go away. "There's something I have to tell you," he blurts. He moves forward and sits down at the table, gripping his glass tightly.
Spock sits down opposite, expression somewhere between confused and worried. "Is there something wrong?" he asks.
Kirk shakes his head. "Just… I wasn't completely honest with you before."
Spock's forehead creases. "Honest about what?"
Kirk takes a deep breath. This is hard. "You asked me whether I wanted children," he begins slowly. "I wasn't lying when I said I don't, but what I didn't tell you is that I already have a son."
Spock looks exactly as surprised as he expected, and for a moment he wants to take the words back. He presses on anyway. "His name's David. He'll be twelve by now." It's kind of a relief to get it out in the open. He's never told anyone about David; not McCoy, not even Gary, but Spock deserves to know the truth.
"I assume there is a story behind this announcement," Spock prods after a few seconds of silence.
Kirk rubs his hands over his face. "Yeah. I was twenty-seven, on shore leave from the Farragut. Her name was Carol Marcus." He stares at the wall, lost in memory. "We agreed at the start that it would be a temporary thing; we were both too committed to our careers for anything long-term. We exchanged details before we parted ways, but I never expected to see her again." He rubs absently at a scratch on the table, and adds, "Until she called me six weeks later to tell me she was pregnant.
"I wanted to help, but she knew how devoted I was to the ship, to my career, and she decided she'd rather David had no father than one who spent most of his life in space." Kirk sighs. "It hurt, but looking back I can see her point."
He glances at Spock. "You know my own father was in Starfleet?" He knows Spock does, remembers introducing his father to his first officer right after he first took command, but he asks anyway.
Spock nods.
"Both my parents were. My mom left the service after I was born." He snorts. "I think the fact that I was nearly born in space sealed her decision. But my dad stayed in Starfleet, became a captain. He was my inspiration, but in my first ten years his presence added up to about three of them." He bites his lip. "I loved my dad, but I can see why Carol wouldn't want that."
"So you have no contact with your son?" Spock asks.
"Carol sends me pictures sometimes, or the occasional letter about how he's doing. That's about it." He shrugs. "I can't say I've never thought about what might have been, but it's better this way. I'm not sure I'm cut out to be a father." He smiles sadly. "Sam was the one who wanted to settle down, get married, have kids. I wanted to see the stars."
He feels Spock take his hand and glances over at him.
"Why didn't you tell me this before?" Spock asks quietly.
Kirk shrugs. "It didn't seem relevant. I wasn't hiding it or anything; I just… don't like to talk about it. You're the first person I've told." Spock's fingers tighten around his and he squeezes back, taking comfort from the contact.
Now that the strain of keeping secrets is no longer weighing on him, Kirk finds his mind moving to other matters. "I believe you mentioned something about an empty house," he murmurs. "How about we take this upstairs?"
"That would be acceptable," Spock replies evenly, but his façade of indifference is ruined quite thoroughly when Kirk rounds the table and kisses him.
He grips at Kirk's waist as Kirk pushes his hands into Spock's hair and deepens the kiss. When he pulls away, they are both breathing heavily. "Come on," Kirk says, tugging at his arm. "I know we're alone right now, but I'm not about to have sex in your parents' kitchen."
Spock blanches at the idea and stands. They make their way out of the kitchen and up the stairs, although it's difficult to take their hands off each other for more than thirty seconds at a time.
They do eventually make it to Spock's room, and proceed to quickly strip off their clothes before falling onto the bed.
"Thank you for trusting me," Spock murmurs in his ear, and then there are no more words.
Afterwards, Spock's hand comes to rest briefly on Kirk's cheek. It isn't the first time that Spock's hands have drifted to his face in moments of intimacy, and he knows what it means so he leans into the touch and mumbles, "Do it."
Spock's fingers come to rest over his temple and the confusion he picks up through their connection makes him smile. "You're not as inscrutable as you think," he says in response to the unasked question. "It's obvious you want to meld with me, so just do it."
Spock doesn't respond, and Kirk's smile fades. "Spock?"
"There is a chance it will bond us," Spock says quietly.
"I thought we already talked about that," Kirk replies.
"Yes, over a year from now when I reach my time," Spock retorts. "That is hardly the same as right here and now."
Kirk raises himself on an elbow. "You think I'm going to change my mind?"
"I do not want you to do something you may later regret," Spock replies.
Kirk sighs. "You know me better than anyone. Have you ever known me to go back on a decision once I've made it?"
"No," Spock replies, "but-"
Kirk holds up a hand to stop him. "No buts. You're not even certain that it will bond us, but if it does, I'm all right with that."
He takes hold of Spock's hand and brings it to his face. "Do it."
Spock's fingers fall onto his meld points, and then they are one.
Epilogue
Their last night on Vulcan, after dinner and quite a few glasses of wine, Amanda brings out the photo album. Spock initially objects, but relents when Kirk tells him that it's a rite of passage, and his own mother has hundreds of embarrassing photos that she'd love to show off. So instead Spock takes the tack of sitting at the other end of the room and reading articles from one of his science journals.
Kirk, on the other hand, is absolutely fascinated. Amanda must have thousands of photos from Spock's early years, and it's amazing to watch his partner growing up; from an infant with - in his opinion - adorable tiny pointed ears, to an inquisitive toddler, to an unsmiling older child.
"He truly is a miracle," Amanda says quietly as they flick through the pictures. "The doctors weren't sure that a human-Vulcan hybrid was even possible. I had five miscarriages before they finally got it right." She looks over at Spock.
Kirk puts a hand on her arm. "I'm sorry."
"I wanted so badly to do well by him," she says softly.
"I know," he replies. "And he knows."
"You will look after him?" she asks.
Kirk glances at Spock. "I couldn't not."
Spock looks up for a moment, almost as if he's heard them, and Kirk catches his eye and smiles.
Pairing: Kirk/Spock, mentions of canon others
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Kirk is understandably hesitant about starting a relationship with Spock; the last time he tried, Spock left him to pursue the kolinahr. But when Spock becomes ill while visiting his parents on Vulcan, Kirk decides that some things are worth the risk.
Words: ~6300/20800
Kirk feels much more alert the next time he wakes up, and realises in shock that the better part of a day has passed since his arrival. Must have been more tired than I thought. He turns to Spock and smiles as he sees that the dark shadows under his eyes are finally gone. "You look better," he says. "Have you slept at all since you left Earth?"
"Very little," Spock replies quietly. "I kept having nightmares of losing you."
Kirk presses their foreheads together gently, projecting reassurance. "Me too," he confesses. "But they're gone now."
He pulls back and smiles. "I'm hungry; how about you?" When Spock nods, he continues, "Then I think the next task on the agenda is food." He glances down and adds, "Well, all right, we might want to get dressed first."
It doesn't take long for them to shower and dress, and they head down to the kitchen in search of food.
They've slept right through breakfast, so Spock makes them a basic meal of soup and sandwiches, and soon they are sitting at the kitchen table eating. Kirk practically inhales his food, feeling like he hasn't eaten for weeks. Spock is less enthusiastic, but still seems to enjoy it.
"So, any plans for today?" Kirk asks when he has finished his meal.
Spock tilts his head in thought. "I would like to spend some time in meditation. I feel that I will have more success now that I am fully rested."
"How long will that take?"
Spock considers the question. "I am not sure. At least half-an-hour, probably more given that I have not managed a sufficiently deep meditative state in several days."He frowns slightly. "It would perhaps be better if you did not accompany me."
"Why?" Kirk asks. "I thought we were supposed to stick together."
A faint flush spreads across Spock's cheeks. "I believe your presence would prove… distracting."
Kirk grins. "I'm flattered." He shrugs and adds, "All right; I'm sure I can amuse myself for a while. I should probably check in with Command anyway." He lays a hand over Spock's on the table and adds seriously, "You will call if you need anything?"
"You have my word," Spock replies. "Thank you."
He clears away their plates and goes off to meditate. Kirk closes his eyes and follows along the link until he is satisfied that Spock's really okay. Then he goes to contact Starfleet.
* * *
After checking in with his staff and reassuring himself that he isn't missing anything, Kirk decides to explore the house. At least, that's the idea, but after looking in several rooms he comes across a library, and immediately gets distracted.
It's a beautiful room; dark wooden shelves with real, paper books on them, and two velvet-lined armchairs with a table between them for reading. Kirk is entranced; he always has loved books.
Most of the books are in Vulcan, but he finds several dozen in other languages, including Standard. He smiles as he comes across a copy of Alice in Wonderland, remembering their adventures on the Shore Leave planet.
Out of curiosity he looks to see if there are any books on Vulcan anatomy or bonding. He still has a few questions that he'd prefer not to bother Spock about. He will if he has to, but he'd much rather find out the answers for himself. But after searching through the shelves, he resigns himself to asking Spock after all. There aren't any books on those topics, at least in any of the languages he's familiar with. He stares with a little frustration at the books in Vulcan, wishing the language wasn't so hard to learn.
"Jim?"
Kirk jumps and whirls round to see Amanda standing just inside the doorway. "Sorry; am I allowed to be in here?" he asks, concerned that he might have overstepped his bounds.
Amanda waves a hand. "Don't be silly; of course you are!" She smiles at him. "I assume you're both feeling better?"
Kirk nods. "Spock's meditating, but as far as I can tell he's almost completely recovered."
"That's good," Amanda says with relief. "I was so worried about him." She takes a step closer and rests her hand on one of the armchairs. "And by the way, you don't have to hide anything. I know the two of you are involved."
Kirk swallows, trying to figure out what to say. "What… what makes you say that?"
She gives him an amused look. "I checked in on the two of you a few hours ago, when you were sleeping. You might want to lock the door next time."
He feels his face heat up as the implication hits him. "Oh."
"It isn't a problem," she reassures him quickly. "I'm very happy for you both. Spock has always spoken so highly of you."
"Does Sarek know?" Kirk asks tentatively. It's bad enough that Spock's mother saw them sleeping together, even in the literal sense, but Sarek would be a whole different level of embarrassment.
"Not yet," she replies, to his relief. "Although, to be honest, we've both had our suspicions since Spock told us about the mindlink." She smiles at him. "If you're worried about his reaction, don't be. He might not show it, but he's quite fond of you."
Kirk gives her a sceptical look, but mentally flashes back to Sarek asking if he and Spock had discussed bonding. Maybe it was meant to be an encouragement. He doesn't know whether the idea is flattering or terrifying. "He wouldn't rather Spock be bonded to a Vulcan woman?"
Amanda shakes her head. "After what happened with T'Pring, we agreed we'd let Spock make his own choices. It's more important that he be safe and happy." She smiles. "Besides, the kind of mental compatibility that would lead to a spontaneous mindlink is highly valued in Vulcan culture. Even if Sarek did disapprove, he wouldn't dream of interfering with that."
Kirk feels tension drain out of him at her words. "That's good to know."
"You might want to tell him soon, though," she says. "Before he figures it out on his own."
"I'll keep that in mind," Kirk replies, and turns to leave.
"Oh," Amanda says, and he turns back. "I meant to ask; were you looking for anything in particular?" She indicates the rows of books.
Kirk considers lying, but he's still curious, and she's more likely than almost anyone else to know of any relevant information. "Actually, I was wondering if you had any books on…." He trails off, searching for the right term. "Vulcan biology."
She gives him a knowing look. "You mean pon farr?"
Kirk stares at her, wide eyed, and wonders if that's some kind of code term that he wasn't aware of. "Among other things," he manages awkwardly. "Spock doesn't like to talk about it."
Amanda nods. "They're taught from childhood that it's not to be discussed. Parents don't even talk about it with their children - when Spock was old enough Sarek gave him a computer file with the information, and that was that." She sighs heavily. "I heard about what happened at the kal-i-fee. I'm sorry."
Kirk shrugs, unsure of what to say.
"I can't help thinking that if we'd talked to him honestly about it at the start, things would have been different."
"It isn't meant to be like that, is it?" Kirk asks. He has wondered on and off over the years what would have happened if T'Pring hadn't chosen the challenge.
Amanda shakes her head vehemently. "No. What happened at that time was an aberration."
She sits down in the armchair next to her and gestures for him to join her. When they are both seated she continues. "If the two of you go through it as a bonded pair, it will be completely different. He won't hurt you." She waves a hand, and adds, "No, it's more than that. He can't hurt you. The bond will prevent it."
Kirk nods. "How long does it last?"
"That depends," she replies. "Usually anywhere from one to three days, but it has been known to last longer." She gives a half-smile. "You're going to want to be in complete seclusion during that time. He won't hurt you, but there's a chance he'll hurt someone else if he sees them as a threat."
Kirk nods, remembering the madness in Spock's eyes. "Anything else I should know?"
She shakes her head. "Just remember there's no reason to be nervous. It can actually be quite pleasant once you get used to it." She smiles and Kirk has to force his mind away from sudden disturbing images of Sarek.
He decides he's reached his awkwardness limit for the time being and abruptly stands up. "Thanks for the information," he says. "I think I'm going to go find Spock."
"Tell him I'm glad he's feeling better," she replies.
Kirk nods and swiftly leaves.
Once he is out of the room, he hesitates. He doesn't want to disturb Spock's meditation, so instead he heads further into the house and away from any more potentially disturbing conversations.
* * * * *
Spock comes out of the meditative trance feeling refreshed, and better than he has in days. As he changes out of his robe, he finds his mind drifting to Kirk, and still cannot fully believe that his friend is here and willing to bond with him. The mere thought of what they shared last night makes his heart speed up, and he leaves the room to go look for Kirk.
He finds him in the conservatory, gazing out of the window at the mountains. Spock makes his way over to him, and Kirk looks up as he approaches. "Hey," he says with a warm smile. "Finished meditating?"
Spock nods. "I trust all is well back at Starfleet?"
"Seems that way," Kirk replies.
"Do you miss it?" Spock asks. He knows how important the Enterprise is to his friend, and has to wonder if Kirk resents being dragged away from his work.
Kirk considers the question. "A little. But they can manage without me for a few days. To be honest, I probably needed the break." Shaking his head, he adds, "I didn't realise how hard I was working, trying to keep myself from wanting this." He slips his arms around Spock's waist and leans up to kiss him.
Spock rests his hands on Kirk's arms and relaxes into the kiss. He doesn't know if he'll ever get used to this.
When they break apart, he reaches up and gently runs his fingers down Kirk's face.
Kirk smiles, and then pulls back a little and clears his throat. "I talked to your mother," he says abruptly. "She knows we're together."
"Ah," Spock replies, dropping his hand. "How did she react?"
"Very well," Kirk says. "She's happy for you - for us."
Spock frowns. Kirk's tone and expression do not seem to match his words. "If she reacted well, why do you seem so uncomfortable?" he asks.
Kirk sighs. "We sort of got onto the subject of… pon farr," he admits. "I'm not comfortable thinking about your father that way."
Spock blinks, unsure of what to say. "My mother can be quite… straightforward at times," he admits quietly. "I regret that she embarrassed you."
Kirk shakes his head. "No, it's fine. I'm not sure it's a situation I want to repeat, but she did give me some good advice." He smiles. "The bottom line is you don't have to worry about hurting me."
"That is fortunate," Spock says. "I was… concerned. I would never wish to harm you."
"I know," Kirk replies softly.
After a moment he takes a step back and smoothes down his shirt. "We're going to have to tell your father," he says. "Before he finds out on his own."
"Yes," Spock agrees. "I confess I am not looking forward to the idea."
Kirk shrugs. "Your mother seems to think he'll be okay with it."
"She has been wrong before," Spock replies quietly. "But it matters little. I intend to bond with you whatever his reaction."
Kirk gives him a broad smile; the kind that makes Spock believe he can do anything. "And we should tell Bones, as well," he says. "To be honest, he's part of the reason I decided to give this a chance. I want him to be the first to know."
Spock reaches for his hand and curls his fingers around it gently. "Of course."
A few minutes later they're both sitting in front of the computer console in Spock's bedroom. Kirk taps in the code, and McCoy appears almost immediately. His expression brightens when he sees them.
"I see you're both feeling better then," he says. "Not that I'm surprised."
Kirk nods, smiling. "And we have some news." He glances at Spock.
McCoy looks amused. "I think I can guess, but go on."
"We have decided to bond," Spock says, and McCoy breaks into a grin.
"Got it in one!" he crows, before adding warmly, "Congratulations. It's obvious the two of you belong together."
"Thanks, Bones," Kirk replies, with a grin of his own. "And thanks for the advice before. It really helped."
"No problem," McCoy says, waving a hand. "So, do your parents know?"
"My mother is aware of the relationship," Spock replies. "We shall inform my father when he returns from work."
Kirk nods. "And I still have to tell my mother, but I'd prefer to do it in person."
"So when are the two of you coming back to Earth?" McCoy asks.
Kirk frowns and looks at Spock. "A few days?"
Spock nods. "I would prefer to stay until the link has fully healed." He glances at Kirk. "And there are things I would like to show you." Since they're both here, they might as well make it a real vacation.
Kirk looks back at the screen. "A few days," he says firmly.
"Well, have fun," McCoy says.
Kirk glances at Spock again and grins in a way that makes Spock's heart race. "I intend to."
* * *
They spend most of the afternoon talking, getting to know each other again, and playing chess. The board they are playing on belonged to his grandfather, and Kirk smiles when Spock tells him that his mother used it to teach him the game when he was young.
They are halfway through a game when Sarek gets back. They exchange glances and immediately decide to abandon the game; better to get the conversation over with now.
With trepidation, Spock enters the main hallway, where Sarek and Amanda are talking. Kirk follows close behind him.
"My son," Sarek says when he catches sight of them. "I am gratified to learn of your recovery." His eyes flick to Kirk. "And Kirk, I thank you for your assistance."
"Father," Spock says, "I - we - have something to discuss with you."
Sarek raises an eyebrow. "Very well. Let us sit down."
The four of them enter the lounge and sit down; Kirk and Spock on one couch and Sarek and Amanda opposite. Spock looks at Kirk and tells himself that whatever happens, he is making the right choice.
"Well, my son?" Sarek asks when they are all seated.
Spock glances at Kirk and then says hesitantly, "You do not need to find me another bondmate. Jim and I are involved, and I intend to bond with him."
His father is silent for a long moment. "I see," he says eventually, face and voice expressionless. "You are certain of this decision?"
"Yes," Spock says firmly, and takes hold of Kirk's hand.
It is a fairly blatant gesture, but Sarek merely raises an eyebrow and turns to Kirk. "And you, Kirk? You are not a telepath. Are you certain you understand the full intensity of a bond?"
"Yes," Kirk replies, squeezing Spock's hand. "We've discussed it at length."
Sarek stares at them for a moment, then, to Spock's surprise, his expression softens. "In that case, I shall draw up the paperwork."
He folds his hands in his lap and says formally, "James, I welcome you to our family."
Spock blinks, noting the change in name. It appears his father is serious. He glances at Kirk, who looks as surprised as he feels.
"Thank you, Ambassador," Kirk says.
"You may call me Sarek."
Kirk nods, still looking slightly stunned. "Sarek."
"Well," his mother says, smiling. "I feel like this deserves some kind of celebration."
She leaves the room and returns with four glasses of a sparkling liquid. "Champagne," she explains, as she hands Spock a glass. "To celebrate." Spock studies the liquid; he has heard of it, but has never actually tried any before.
Kirk takes his own glass and gives Spock a quick smile. When his mother is seated again, she raises her glass and says, "A toast; to Jim and Spock."
Spock has seen enough toasts to know what happens next, but it still seems slightly silly to him. Still, he dutifully touches his glass to the others and takes a sip.
The champagne is pleasant, but it isn't until later, when his mother touches his arm and tells him how happy she is for him, that Spock realises that this is real - he really is going to bond with the person he loves, and his parents are happy for him.
He catches Kirk's eye and lets his expression soften into a smile.
* * * * *
Over dinner, Amanda mentions visiting San Francisco a few months ago, and Kirk expresses an interest in looking around ShiKahr. Spock seems more than willing, so the next day the two of them go out to explore. Spock decides to start by flying over the city and showing him the view from the air.
ShiKahr is a huge city - around the size of New York City on Earth - and very impressive when seen from above. The explorer in Kirk delights at the similarities and differences between Vulcan architecture and that of the many other planets he has been to.
Spock supplies him with information on many of the landmarks, both cultural and personal. Kirk knows enough about Spock's childhood to know that it wasn't a happy time for him, and so doesn't comment on the slight flatness to his tone as he identifies places from his past.
"What's that big white building over there?" Kirk asks, pointing ahead of them.
"That is the headquarters of the Vulcan Science Academy," Spock replies. "The Academy has outposts in almost every major city, but their headquarters are here in ShiKahr."
"Isn't that the place you rejected to join Starfleet?" Kirk asks, remembering Amanda's explanation of the rift between Spock and his father all those years ago.
Spock nods. "In truth, I suspect they were relieved at my choice."
"Why?" Kirk asks immediately. "You're one of the smartest people I know. Why wouldn't they want you?"
Spock makes a miniscule course correction, deftly avoiding his gaze. "There has never been a non-Vulcan member of the Science Academy."
It takes a moment for that to sink in. "That's…. But that's ridiculous! You're as Vulcan as any of them!"
"There are many who would disagree with that assessment," Spock replies quietly. "Several of the senior staff were among them." One corner of his mouth quirks upwards as he adds, "However, if they had thought differently we would never have met, so in a way I should thank them."
Something inside Kirk aches at Spock's confession. He remembers asking Spock once before why he joined Starfleet, and getting the response, ‘It seemed like the most profitable use of my skills.' It never occurred to him that there might be more to the story. "I'm sorry," he says.
Spock tilts his head, acknowledging the words. "It is in the past," he replies. "I am not the person I was then." They reach the outskirts of the city and Spock turns the air-car around and glances at him. "Is there anything else you wish to see?"
Kirk considers it. "Not from the air, but if you don't mind, I'd like to check out that marketplace we passed. Peter's birthday's in a couple of weeks and I still have to get him a present."
"Of course," Spock says, adjusting their course appropriately. "How is your nephew?"
Kirk smiles, leaning back in his seat. "He's great. Planning on joining Starfleet after he graduates."
Spock glances at him and Kirk laughs. "Don't look at me like that; I had nothing to do with it! I didn't even know he was considering joining up until he'd already made the decision."
"But you are pleased with his choice?" Spock asks.
"Yes, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't be just as pleased if he'd chosen to be a…." Kirk grapples for options. "…Botanist or a librarian or something. He knows I'd be proud of him no matter what."
"I am certain he does," Spock replies quietly. "He is a lucky young man."
Kirk glances at him and wonders if he'll ever get the full story of Spock's childhood. Still, he thinks, it isn't as though there aren't things from my own past I'd prefer to keep private. He settles back in his seat. He knows enough about his friend to want to spend the rest of his life with him; anything else is up to Spock.
* * *
Spock lands the air-car in a parking lot near to the marketplace and the two of them climb out. Kirk winces as the hot air hits them; it's like being in a sauna. At least it's a dry heat, he thinks, trying, with slight desperation, to see the good in the situation.
"Okay," he says to Spock, and waves an arm. "Lead on."
He follows Spock through the parking lot and a few minutes later they are standing at the entrance to a shaded area containing what is probably the most organised market Kirk has ever seen. Everything is in order; clothes with clothes, jewellery with jewellery, food with food. Even without looking at the stallholders it is easy to tell which stalls are manned by non-Vulcans; they're the only ones that aren't perfectly clean and tidy. There is no yelling; none of the usual patter heard in marketplaces. And, from what Kirk can see, there isn't a lot of haggling either.
"Not what you were expecting?" Spock asks, leaning in close to him.
"Not exactly," Kirk admits. "But it'll do." With that he strides forward and heads for a stall selling what look like Vulcan weapons.
He is examining an unusual curved knife when Spock appears beside him. "I'm not certain your mother would appreciate you sending your nephew a tricheq," he says, eyebrows raised. Kirk assumes that's the name of the knife he's holding.
"Probably not," he replies, placing it carefully back on the table. "But at least I could be sure he wouldn't already have one." He moves along to the next stall before Spock can make any further comments.
Spock manages to get his own back for the knife comment, though. They are passing several stalls selling birds, cats, fish, and other assorted livestock, when Spock stops suddenly and peers into a cage. "Perhaps Peter would be interested in one of these," he says.
Kirk comes over to see what he is looking at and blanches when he recognises the current occupant of the cage. It's a tribble. "Not a chance in hell."
Spock practically radiates amusement for the next half-dozen stalls.
Kirk eventually settles on what Spock assures him is a kind of Vulcan puzzle box, and they begin to make their way back. They are nearing the exit when Spock stops dead, staring ahead of them.
Kirk follows his gaze to a Vulcan woman at a nearby stall. She is accompanied by a small child, maybe four or five years old, and looks vaguely familiar. Kirk frowns, trying to place her, and then the woman turns and recognition slams into him. T'Pring.
"Ignore her," he mutters, grabbing Spock's wrist and giving it a tug. "Come on, let's just go."
Unfortunately T'Pring looks up at that moment, and her eyes widen as she catches sight of them. Kirk fights to keep his expression blank as she walks over to them, the child - a girl - following behind her.
"Spock," she says. "Captain Kirk. I hope you are well."
No thanks to you, Kirk thinks bitterly. "It's Admiral Kirk," he corrects her.
"I shall make a note of it," T'Pring replies calmly. Kirk can't quite decide whether she's mocking him or not.
The girl tugs at T'Pring's robes and asks something in Vulcan. T'Pring glances down at her and replies, then turns back to Kirk and Spock and says in Standard, "This is my daughter, T'Lira."
"How old is she?" Kirk asks, curious in spite of himself.
"Five point two standard years," T'Pring says, and her expression flickers slightly, as if she expects them to comment on her answer.
"And how is Stonn?" Spock asks. It almost sounds like a challenge.
"Adequate," T'Pring replies. "We are quite content." She raises her eyebrows and adds, "We have found that having is, indeed, as pleasant as wanting."
Kirk frowns and glances at Spock. The words don't mean anything to him, but they seem to mean something to Spock, given the way his eyes widen.
"And you?" T'Pring asks. "Have you found another bondmate?"
Spock glances at him a little helplessly, and Kirk deliberately shifts closer. "Yes, he has," he says firmly.
She glances between them and raises her eyebrows. "Ah; of course. I should have known." Her eyes flicker to Spock and she says something in Vulcan that causes him to flush slightly. Switching back to Standard, she adds quietly, "I wish you to know that I never wished to cause you harm. I made the choice I did because it was the only option open to me."
"I understand," Spock says, and Kirk looks at him in surprise.
T'Pring glances down at her daughter, who is staring up at them with interest. "We must go now. I hope you have a fulfilling life together."
"Live long and prosper, T'Pring," Spock says, right hand forming the Vulcan salute.
T'Pring mirrors the gesture. "Live long and prosper, Spock. Kirk."
As they walk back to the parking lot, Kirk asks, "What did she say to you after I told her we were together?"
Spock glances at him, but looks away before saying quietly, "That if I had figured out my feelings earlier, I could have saved us all a great deal of trouble."
It's a thought that has crossed Kirk's own mind once or twice, but he's still annoyed at T'Pring for saying it. "Well, it worked out in the end," he says. "That's all that matters."
They are on their way back to the house when something hits him. He does a quick calculation, and frowns. "How long are Vulcan pregnancies?"
"Approximately three Vulcan seasons, or around eleven standard months," Spock replies, with no indication that he considers it a strange question. "Although my mother's was slightly shorter due to my unique biology."
"T'Pring would've been pregnant when we last met."
Spock merely nods, and Kirk looks at him curiously. "You knew?"
"I suspected," Spock replies. He shifts uncomfortably and adds, "If we had… coupled… at that time, she would likely have lost the child."
"Oh." Kirk considers that, thinking of the little girl with her. "Is that why you said you understood?"
"In part." Spock glances at him, expression unusually open. "She chose to protect the person she loved. I can understand that, even if I do not approve of her methods."
Kirk reaches out and lays a hand on top of Spock's where it rests on the control panel. "I guess I never thought of it that way before."
Spock doesn't reply, merely turns his hand under Kirk's so that they are holding hands. They stay that way for long minute, soaking in the comfort of each other's presence. Spock eventually removes his hand in order to make a course correction, and Kirk leans back in his seat.
"Did you ever think about having kids?" he asks abruptly. It isn't a question that seemed particularly relevant before now, but after meeting T'Pring's daughter he finds himself curious.
Spock pauses before answering. "Due to my unique physiology, the chances of my being able to father a child are effectively zero."
"So you've never even considered it?"
Spock shakes his head. "I have no particular aversion to children, but neither have I felt any desire for any of my own. In any case, our profession is not entirely suited to parenthood."
"Mmm," Kirk agrees, glancing out of the window.
"And you?" Spock asks. "Do you want children?"
And there's the million credit question, Kirk thinks. "No," he answers. It's the truth, but it feels like a lie.
Spock gives him a curious look, but thankfully doesn't push the subject further.
Kirk spends the rest of the flight back to the house fighting with his own conscience over whether to tell Spock the truth. When they arrive he heads straight for the kitchen to get a drink; as much to give himself time to think as because he's actually thirsty.
He orders a glass of ice-cold water and only realises how thirsty he actually is when he takes the first sip. By the time Spock enters the kitchen he has almost finished the whole glass.
"Are you all right?" Spock asks in concern.
"Yes, I'm fine. Just thirsty." He drains the rest of the glass and orders a refill.
"You should have told me," Spock chides him gently. "In this heat you could easily become dehydrated."
"You sound like Bones," Kirk tells him, leaning back against the counter. As he intended, Spock looks mildly put out by the comparison. "Anyway," Kirk continues, "I thought I was the one keeping an eye on you. How are you feeling?"
"Very well," Spock replies. "Better than before I came here." He wanders over to the table and picks up a note. "My mother has gone to tutor one of her students. She will be back in around an hour and a half." When he looks up, there is a glint in his eye. "We will have the house to ourselves until she returns."
The idea definitely has appeal, but Kirk knows avoiding the problem won't make it go away. "There's something I have to tell you," he blurts. He moves forward and sits down at the table, gripping his glass tightly.
Spock sits down opposite, expression somewhere between confused and worried. "Is there something wrong?" he asks.
Kirk shakes his head. "Just… I wasn't completely honest with you before."
Spock's forehead creases. "Honest about what?"
Kirk takes a deep breath. This is hard. "You asked me whether I wanted children," he begins slowly. "I wasn't lying when I said I don't, but what I didn't tell you is that I already have a son."
Spock looks exactly as surprised as he expected, and for a moment he wants to take the words back. He presses on anyway. "His name's David. He'll be twelve by now." It's kind of a relief to get it out in the open. He's never told anyone about David; not McCoy, not even Gary, but Spock deserves to know the truth.
"I assume there is a story behind this announcement," Spock prods after a few seconds of silence.
Kirk rubs his hands over his face. "Yeah. I was twenty-seven, on shore leave from the Farragut. Her name was Carol Marcus." He stares at the wall, lost in memory. "We agreed at the start that it would be a temporary thing; we were both too committed to our careers for anything long-term. We exchanged details before we parted ways, but I never expected to see her again." He rubs absently at a scratch on the table, and adds, "Until she called me six weeks later to tell me she was pregnant.
"I wanted to help, but she knew how devoted I was to the ship, to my career, and she decided she'd rather David had no father than one who spent most of his life in space." Kirk sighs. "It hurt, but looking back I can see her point."
He glances at Spock. "You know my own father was in Starfleet?" He knows Spock does, remembers introducing his father to his first officer right after he first took command, but he asks anyway.
Spock nods.
"Both my parents were. My mom left the service after I was born." He snorts. "I think the fact that I was nearly born in space sealed her decision. But my dad stayed in Starfleet, became a captain. He was my inspiration, but in my first ten years his presence added up to about three of them." He bites his lip. "I loved my dad, but I can see why Carol wouldn't want that."
"So you have no contact with your son?" Spock asks.
"Carol sends me pictures sometimes, or the occasional letter about how he's doing. That's about it." He shrugs. "I can't say I've never thought about what might have been, but it's better this way. I'm not sure I'm cut out to be a father." He smiles sadly. "Sam was the one who wanted to settle down, get married, have kids. I wanted to see the stars."
He feels Spock take his hand and glances over at him.
"Why didn't you tell me this before?" Spock asks quietly.
Kirk shrugs. "It didn't seem relevant. I wasn't hiding it or anything; I just… don't like to talk about it. You're the first person I've told." Spock's fingers tighten around his and he squeezes back, taking comfort from the contact.
Now that the strain of keeping secrets is no longer weighing on him, Kirk finds his mind moving to other matters. "I believe you mentioned something about an empty house," he murmurs. "How about we take this upstairs?"
"That would be acceptable," Spock replies evenly, but his façade of indifference is ruined quite thoroughly when Kirk rounds the table and kisses him.
He grips at Kirk's waist as Kirk pushes his hands into Spock's hair and deepens the kiss. When he pulls away, they are both breathing heavily. "Come on," Kirk says, tugging at his arm. "I know we're alone right now, but I'm not about to have sex in your parents' kitchen."
Spock blanches at the idea and stands. They make their way out of the kitchen and up the stairs, although it's difficult to take their hands off each other for more than thirty seconds at a time.
They do eventually make it to Spock's room, and proceed to quickly strip off their clothes before falling onto the bed.
"Thank you for trusting me," Spock murmurs in his ear, and then there are no more words.
Afterwards, Spock's hand comes to rest briefly on Kirk's cheek. It isn't the first time that Spock's hands have drifted to his face in moments of intimacy, and he knows what it means so he leans into the touch and mumbles, "Do it."
Spock's fingers come to rest over his temple and the confusion he picks up through their connection makes him smile. "You're not as inscrutable as you think," he says in response to the unasked question. "It's obvious you want to meld with me, so just do it."
Spock doesn't respond, and Kirk's smile fades. "Spock?"
"There is a chance it will bond us," Spock says quietly.
"I thought we already talked about that," Kirk replies.
"Yes, over a year from now when I reach my time," Spock retorts. "That is hardly the same as right here and now."
Kirk raises himself on an elbow. "You think I'm going to change my mind?"
"I do not want you to do something you may later regret," Spock replies.
Kirk sighs. "You know me better than anyone. Have you ever known me to go back on a decision once I've made it?"
"No," Spock replies, "but-"
Kirk holds up a hand to stop him. "No buts. You're not even certain that it will bond us, but if it does, I'm all right with that."
He takes hold of Spock's hand and brings it to his face. "Do it."
Spock's fingers fall onto his meld points, and then they are one.
Epilogue
Their last night on Vulcan, after dinner and quite a few glasses of wine, Amanda brings out the photo album. Spock initially objects, but relents when Kirk tells him that it's a rite of passage, and his own mother has hundreds of embarrassing photos that she'd love to show off. So instead Spock takes the tack of sitting at the other end of the room and reading articles from one of his science journals.
Kirk, on the other hand, is absolutely fascinated. Amanda must have thousands of photos from Spock's early years, and it's amazing to watch his partner growing up; from an infant with - in his opinion - adorable tiny pointed ears, to an inquisitive toddler, to an unsmiling older child.
"He truly is a miracle," Amanda says quietly as they flick through the pictures. "The doctors weren't sure that a human-Vulcan hybrid was even possible. I had five miscarriages before they finally got it right." She looks over at Spock.
Kirk puts a hand on her arm. "I'm sorry."
"I wanted so badly to do well by him," she says softly.
"I know," he replies. "And he knows."
"You will look after him?" she asks.
Kirk glances at Spock. "I couldn't not."
Spock looks up for a moment, almost as if he's heard them, and Kirk catches his eye and smiles.