Hearts and Minds: Chapter 7 - Touching and Touched
Fandom: Star Trek Reboot (although numerous references to TOS)
Pairing: Kirk Prime/Spock Prime, Spock/Uhura, eventual Kirk/Spock
Rating: PG-13
Beta: secret_chord25, many thanks.
Summary: When the Enterprise encounters a ship caught in the Nexus, their rescue attempt beams aboard someone unexpected; Kirk Prime. Kirk and Spock are forced to confront what their counterparts' relationship might mean for their own.
Words: ~5200/33000
The next day is so dull that Kirk actually regrets finishing off his paperwork the night before. He amuses himself by seeing how openly he can ogle Spock without anyone catching on. He stops when Uhura gives him a particularly irritated look and, with a sigh, goes back to staring blankly out of the viewscreen. The shift is so boring that he can actually hear Chekov and Sulu playing Twenty Questions at the navigation console.
He makes a few circuits of the bridge, pausing particularly at the science station, and decides that if there isn’t anything that requires his attention, he might as well go see McCoy. He’s barely spoken to his friend since their brief conversation a few days ago.
“Mr Spock, you have the conn,” he announces with more affection in his tone than he would normally use. Spock looks up and nods in acknowledgement, then goes back to whatever it is he’s working on. Kirk smiles and heads down to sickbay.
He finds McCoy in his office. “How’s it going, Bones?” he asks, dropping into his usual seat. McCoy actually greets him with something other than vague annoyance, further convincing Kirk that it’s been too long since they’ve spoken.
“I’m telling you, it’s been insanity in here over the last week or so. First the wrecked ship, then the ambassador’s injury, then the incident in engineering…. How long’s it ‘til our next shore leave, anyway?”
Kirk thinks for a moment. “That’ll be over Christmas.”
McCoy grumbles under his breath. “Another six weeks of this. I should demand higher pay.”
Kirk laughs, and McCoy’s frustrated expression only increases his amusement. “You know,” he says when he can breathe again, “you complain that you’re a doctor, not a whatever, but when you’re actually forced to act like a doctor, you complain about that as well.”
McCoy scowls. “I’m happy my misery is so amusing to you.” He observes Kirk grumpily. “Why do you look so damn smug?”
Kirk grins. “I kissed Spock.”
McCoy’s eyebrows shoot up. “And he didn’t try to strangle you?”
“Nope.” Kirk leans back in his chair, smile widening. “I think he wants what the other him and me have, too.”
McCoy snorts. “Just remember that this is the guy who marooned you on an ice planet.”
“He’s also the guy who nearly died saving my life two months ago,” Kirk responds. It comes out a little more sharply than he intended, and he looks down at the desk. “I really like him, Bones.”
“If you’re going to get all mushy about it, I’m going to need a drink,” McCoy grumbles.
“Can’t,” Kirk replies. “I’m on duty.” He frowns. “So are you.”
“Then don’t talk about your feelings for the elf and we’ll be fine.”
Kirk tilts his head exasperatedly. “Would it kill you to use his name?”
“Probably.” Off Kirk’s look, McCoy sighs and adds, “Don’t talk about your feelings for Spock. There, better?”
“Much better.” Kirk leans forward. “Oh, and Uhura threatened me.”
“Really.”
“Yup. If this thing with Spock doesn’t work out, I may need your protection.” Off McCoy’s dubious look, he adds, “You don’t want to know what she threatened to do to me.”
McCoy shakes his head. “How do you get yourself into these situations?”
Kirk shrugs. “Must be my winning personality.” Resolutely changing the subject, he adds, “So, is there anyone on your radar?”
McCoy shrugs. “I wouldn’t say no to Christine Chapel if she asked. She’s taken, though. Some guy named Roger.”
“Pity,” Kirk muses. “You might be less on edge if you were actually getting some.” He ignores the look that McCoy sends him.
“Some of us have to manage without alternate versions of ourselves willing to offer advice,” McCoy points out.
Kirk shrugs, grinning. “Sucks to be you.” He stands and stretches. “I guess I should get back to work, though it’s the most boring shift in the history of ever.”
“Don’t knock it,” McCoy calls as Kirk leaves. “God knows we don’t get enough boring shifts around here.”
* * * * *
It takes almost an hour of meditation before Spock can be sure of his control, certain that the barriers around his mind are as strong as possible. Before he leaves his quarters, he changes into a black shirt and pants, remembering Kirk’s words from a few days ago.
Kirk greets him with, “Hey, you’re not wearing your uniform.” He looks Spock up and down as the door closes.
“You asked me not to,” Spock points out.
“Yeah, I did, didn’t I?” Kirk is still looking at him. “You look good.” He appears to realise he is staring and quickly looks away. “So, how does this work, then?”
“It will help if you make yourself comfortable,” Spock tells him.
Kirk nods and settles himself on the bed. Spock moves to sit beside him; for a moment, they just stare at each other.
“Will you be able to see all my memories?” Kirk asks quietly.
“This first meld will be very light. I will not be looking at any of your memories.” Spock pauses. “But, for future reference, if there is anything you do not wish me to see, imagine a door closing, or a curtain being pulled. I will not look.”
“How many times have you done this?”
Spock thinks for a moment and decides that Kirk deserves the truth. “Never with a human.”
Kirk looks surprised. “You never melded with Uhura?”
“I was attempting to cultivate a human relationship. Mindmelds were not a part of that.” In truth, Spock isn’t certain why he never attempted this with Uhura. It just never seemed necessary.
“I’d ask if it’s safe, but I know you wouldn’t be doing it if you thought I could get hurt.” Kirk gives a small smile.
Spock is rendered speechless for a moment at the captain’s trust in him. “I am gratified that you think so,” he eventually manages.
Kirk shrugs, looking away.
“Are you ready?”
“No time like the present.” Kirk shifts towards him slightly.
Spock reaches forward and carefully positions his fingertips on Kirk’s face. Breathing deeply, he checks his controls one last time. “My mind to your mind; my thoughts to your thoughts,” he murmurs.
Spock slips into Kirk’s mind as though it was made for him. He did not believe this kind of compatibility could be possible; he can now understand why his counterpart found it so difficult to avoid a link.
Kirk’s mind is full of colour, bright yellow and red. Spock is reminded of fire and immediately sees his own mind as water - deep blues and greens. They complement each other perfectly. Spock can feel Kirk’s essence all around him; can feel Kirk’s awe and wonder at the situation. He is marvelling at the experience himself when he hears Kirk’s voice in his mind.
This is amazing. Is it always like this?
It has never been like this before.
Will it always be like this, for us?
I do not know. Spock suddenly begins to feel Kirk’s mind pulling at his own. I must end the meld.
Already? Kirk’s disappointment comes through clearly.
If I stay any longer, a link will start to form. Spock can understand why Kirk is unhappy at the situation; he, too, would like to further explore this fascinating mental world. For an instant he wonders if it would be so bad to let a link form between them - and, shocked, begins to pull out of Kirk’s mind.
No! Kirk’s essence suddenly seems to surround him, and Spock finds that he cannot separate his own mind from his captain’s. Kirk has apparently done the mental equivalent of grabbing hold of Spock and holding on tight. Confusion and alarm sweep through Spock; this should not be possible; he was always told that humans were psy-null; why didn't his counterpart warn him?
Jim, you must stop this, he orders desperately.
Kirk’s response is an almost incomprehensible blur of thoughts and emotions;
confusioncan’tdon’tknowhowfeardon’twanttobealoneagainwanttostaywithyoupainpleasedon’tmakemeleave
Spock is fairly certain that Kirk does not even know what he is doing, but he can feel the link forming, filling in the pathways left when his link with T’Pring was severed. He tries, once more, to keep the inevitable from happening, and is unsuccessful.
Finally Kirk calms down enough for Spock to disconnect them. He slowly removes his fingers from Kirk’s face, and finds to his dismay that he can still feel the human’s emotions in the back of his mind. For a moment all they can do is stare wordlessly at each other.
“What just happened?” Kirk asks, eyes wide.
Spock struggles for words. “I believe you have just created a mind link between us.”
“What?” He looks at Spock apologetically, practically radiating discomfort. “I didn’t mean to. I just… I’ve never felt anything like that before. I didn’t want it to end.” He looks down sheepishly. “Then everything got kind of mixed up.”
Frowning, he adds, “How could I do this? I’m not a telepath.”
“I know,” Spock replies. “It should not be possible.”
Kirk laughs humourlessly. “Well, it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve done the impossible.” He glances at Spock, then drops his head into his hands. “What does this mean?” Groaning, he adds, “Please tell me I haven’t just accidentally married us.”
“A mind link is different from a marriage bond,” Spock reassures him. “In Vulcan terms, it is more like an engagement.”
“I’m not sure how much of an improvement that is.” Kirk sighs, looking up. “Can it be broken?”
“Yes. However, we would need to avoid melding or the link would likely reform.”
Kirk is silent for a moment, apparently considering this.
“So, what…. What would happen if we kept it?”
Spock frowns; this is a question that requires complete honesty. He wishes that he could give Kirk different news as he replies, “A marriage bond is generally created by consummation of the mind link.”
He feels a wave of shock and dismay from Kirk. “You mean we can’t have sex? At all?”
“Not without creating a permanent bond between us.”
Kirk runs his hands through his hair. “Maybe someone should’ve told me that before.” He meets Spock’s eyes, his disappointment equalling Spock’s own. “What do we do now?”
Spock can only think of one option. “I believe this may be something to discuss with our counterparts.”
Kirk blinks. “You mean together?”
“Ideally.”
Kirk takes a deep breath. “Okay. What time is it?”
Spock doesn’t bother to look at the clock. “21:35.”
Kirk snorts. “I wish I could do that.” He stands and stretches. “Might as well get it over with.”
* * *
Their counterparts are playing chess. Watching them, Spock begins to understand where Kirk learned to beat him. Jim is a particularly adept player and, as he turns to greet them, the elder Spock reaches forward and tips his king in defeat.
“Well, this is a surprise,” Jim says, smiling. “Both of you, together.”
Spock glances at Kirk, and their eyes meet. Spock is the first to look away; this is no time to get distracted.
“I assume you have attempted the mindmeld?” the elder Spock asks.
Spock nods. “We appear to have formed a mind link.” He folds his hands behind his back.
Kirk raises a hand hesitantly. “It might’ve been my fault.”
The elder Spock raises an eyebrow. “How was it your fault?”
Kirk shuffles his feet. “Well, I sort of tried to stop him from ending the meld, and then…” - he waves a hand - “…this happened.”
The ambassador frowns, glancing at Jim. “Interesting. I always assumed that our accidental connection was due to an error on my part. If I’d known this was a possibility, I would have advised you differently.”
“Spock did speculate once that I had some latent telepathic abilities,” Jim says thoughtfully. “Have you decided what you’re going to do about the link?”
“We hoped you would be able to offer some advice,” Spock replies.
“If you wish to break it, I would do so sooner rather than later,” the elder Spock tells them.
Kirk frowns. “Spock said if we break the link, we wouldn’t be able to meld again without it reforming.”
“Based on the events of today, I would assume that’s correct.”
“How do we break it?”
“There are healers who can perform the ritual,” Spock tells him. “There will likely be one on Babel.”
Kirk chews on his lip, apparently deep in thought. “And what if we don’t break it? Aside from what we’ve already discussed.”
Spock considers this. “Logically, it could prove to be a great asset. The ability to know if the other was in danger or otherwise in need of help.”
Kirk nods. “Okay.”
“There were many times when it was useful to us,” Jim puts in.
Something occurs to Spock then. “How long did you have the mind link before it became a bond?”
The elder Spock thinks for a moment. “Five-point-seven years.”
Spock can see Kirk’s jaw drop. “You didn’t have sex in all that time?”
Jim looks particularly amused. “We weren’t together during that time.” He glances at the elder Spock. “It took us a lot longer than you two to figure it out.”
Kirk sits down on the edge of the bed. Spock hesitates, then sits down next to him.
“Would it still be possible to break the link if it were to become a bond?” Spock asks. He is not hopeful, but decides it is worth asking.
The elder Spock sighs. “Most bonds can be dissolved by a healer, with some effort. However, the particular bond that Jim and I share is very strong. It can only be broken by the death of a partner.”
“Or their complete removal from time and space,” Jim adds.
“Well, that’s less than ideal,” Kirk says, frowning. “Looks like we have two choices. We can break the link and avoid melding, or we can keep the link and avoid sex.”
Spock notes that he actually seems to be considering the latter option, rather than immediately dismissing it. He allows himself to consider the possibility and finds that it is not an entirely unpleasant idea. There is something indescribably right about having Kirk’s presence in the back of his mind.
“I regret that we cannot be of more help,” the ambassador tells them with regret. “This is a decision you will have to make on your own.”
* * * * *
Kirk finds it particularly difficult to get to sleep that night. He lies awake for hours, the conversation with their counterparts going round and round in his mind. If he wants to avoid a bond with Spock, they’ll either have to avoid melding or avoid sex. Neither option seems attractive. The idea that they wouldn’t have this problem if they were less compatible seems particularly unfair.
He attempts, albeit reluctantly, to look at the situation from all angles. Spock said that Vulcans didn’t generally have sex outside of a bond anyway and, apparently, their counterparts weren't an exception. Kirk frowns. He supposes he did agree to go slowly, but waiting until marriage isn’t quite what he meant. It’s pretty unlike him to be even considering this, but somehow… Spock is different.
When he met the elder Spock in that cave on Delta Vega and was told about the lifelong friendship that they had in that timeline, Kirk knew that he wanted that. After he actually spent time with Spock, he began to want it even more, and tried everything he could think of to make it happen. And then two months ago, Spock nearly died protecting him, and Kirk was forced to admit that maybe Spock’s friendship wasn’t all he wanted.
And now, he has everything that he wished for potentially in his grasp. When they melded, it was the first time in his life that he didn't feel alone. If he concentrates, he can feel Spock very faintly in the back of his mind, and when Kirk thinks about breaking the link and not having that anymore, it actually aches.
And suddenly, everything falls into place. The decision he comes to goes against everything he believed about himself, and yet, as he falls asleep, Kirk thinks that he couldn’t possibly have made a different one.
* * *
The next morning he wakes early, intending to intercept Spock before he goes to breakfast. When the door to Spock’s cabin opens, he looks at Kirk in surprise. “Jim. What brings you here?”
“Can we talk?” Kirk asks.
Spock raises an eyebrow and moves aside.
Kirk glances around the room. He’s only been in Spock’s quarters a couple of times before, and those times it was strictly business. He sits down on the bed, hands in his lap.
Spock remains standing, hands behind his back. “What is it that you wish to discuss?”
Kirk twists his fingers together, looking down at them determinedly. “Us.”
At that, Spock comes to sit next to him. “It is a difficult decision to make.”
Kirk gives a huff of laughter. “That’s the thing, though. It wasn’t a difficult decision. It probably should have been, but it wasn’t.”
He looks Spock squarely in the eyes. “I want to keep the link.”
Spock frowns. “You are aware of what you are agreeing to? We will need to abstain completely from sexual relations if we wish to remain unbonded.”
“Yeah, and I was up half of last night thinking about it. But I figure we can always break it later, if we want to, and I knew when I started this that it might mean going slowly.” Kirk holds Spock’s gaze, willing him to understand. “Don’t get me wrong; I want to have sex with you, but… I think I want this more. I’m willing to do this, if you are.”
Spock’s eyes soften. “I must admit… I also wish to keep the link.”
Kirk smiles. “So we’re really doing this?”
His smile grows wider as Spock reaches over and entwines their fingers. “Are you certain that this is what you want?” Spock asks quietly.
Kirk squeezes his hand gently. “Yes.”
Spock trails the fingers of his free hand down Kirk’s face. “Then… I wish to meld with you again.”
“Me, too.”
Spock pulls away abruptly, eyes warm. “Tonight. Right now, we should leave if we are not to be late.”
Kirk follows him out of the door, still smiling.
* * *
They stop by to see their counterparts again that night. The elder Spock warns them that the longer they wait and the more they meld, the harder it will be to break the link. But now that the decision is made, Kirk doesn’t intend to change his mind. Jim seems thrilled, and the elder Spock also seems pleased, once he is reassured that they really do know what they’re getting into. When Kirk reaches out and takes Spock’s hand, the ambassador actually smiles. Kirk wonders if he can get his own Spock to do that.
They walk back to Kirk’s cabin in silence, but it’s a comfortable silence. “Y’know, I think I’m going to miss them,” Kirk remarks.
Spock appears to consider this. “I believe I know how you feel.”
Kirk bumps his shoulder companionably. “Do you think that’ll be us in like thirty years?”
“Perhaps for you. For myself, it would be closer to one hundred and thirty years.”
“I meant their relationship, but hey, not many people could look that good at like a hundred and fifty,” Kirk says with a grin. He watches with amusement and triumph as Spock’s cheeks turn green.
They reach his quarters before the conversation can continue. Kirk taps in the code and gestures for Spock to enter first. Once they are both inside, they just stare at each other. “So, does this mean we’re engaged?” Kirk asks.
“By Vulcan custom, yes,” Spock confirms. “However, it would perhaps be prudent to keep the news to ourselves for the time being.”
Kirk laughs. “Yeah. Though I bet Bones’s reaction would be priceless.”
He steps forwards and slowly wraps his arms around Spock. “I can’t believe we’re actually doing this,” he mumbles against Spock’s shoulder. He feels the Vulcan return the embrace hesitantly, and pulls away a little so he can look him in the eyes.
“How long have you desired me?” Spock murmurs.
Kirk thinks for a moment. “I think… since I first saw you kissing Uhura on the transporter platform. But it didn’t really hit home until two months ago.” He grips Spock a little tighter. “When I thought you might die” - he takes a deep breath - “I don’t think I’ve ever been so afraid.”
Spock presses their foreheads together gently. “I should have realised before.”
Kirk slowly begins to pull away. “Do you think - if all this hadn’t happened, we’d still be together?”
“I believe that we would, eventually,” Spock responds. He takes a step backwards; Kirk gives him a curious look.
“Jim, there is another meaning to the word t’hy’la; one I did not share with you before.”
Kirk feels his heart speed up. “What is it?” he asks, voice barely above a whisper.
Spock swallows. “The closest Terran equivalent would be ‘soulmate’.”
There is a small part of Kirk that immediately freaks out over the idea of being anyone’s soulmate, but the much larger part is filled with wonder and awe. “Really?”
Spock nods, his eyes warm.
Kirk beams at him. “Meld with me?”
He sits down on the bed and taps the space beside him. Spock sits and reaches out, gently resting his fingers on Kirk’s face. Kirk closes his eyes and nods. He can hear Spock murmur, “My mind to your mind,” and they are, suddenly, together.
It’s nothing like last time, all colours and emotions and vague sensations. This meld is like a tour of Spock’s mind. Kirk can see Spock’s memories, but it’s not like a picture album or a holovid - it’s as though he’s actually there, and feeling all of the emotions that Spock has attached to the memories.
Playing with a giant bear-like creature - a sehlat called I-Chaya, Spock informs him. Beating up another kid who insulted his mother; informing the Vulcan Science Academy that he is refusing their offer. Whoa, you were a rebel, Kirk thinks in amazement, and feels a ripple of amusement in response.
Joining Starfleet and feeling out of place as one of very few Vulcans; beginning a relationship with Uhura; feeling annoyance and curiosity at the arrogant cadet who has somehow beaten his test. Arguing with that same cadet - Kirk - in front of the entire student body, wondering who this person is that can inspire such emotion in him. You really didn’t like me.
You did not like me, either, Spock responds, and Kirk can’t really argue with that.
The memories go faster now that they’ve gotten to the stuff Kirk was actually present for. When they get to Spock’s mother’s death, there is a wave of pain that makes Kirk wish he knew how to hug people through a mindmeld. Spock seems to appreciate the effort, as the pain diminishes slightly. And then he’s seeing the scene on the bridge from Spock’s perspective - such anger and grief that he can barely see straight and all he wants is for Kirk to feel some of his pain. I could have killed you, he hears Spock think.
You didn’t, he sends back, dazed at how guilty Spock still feels about it. You forgave me for what I said; I forgave you for this. One of the first things he did after the Narada incident was track down Spock and apologise. Spock did likewise and Kirk thought that they were over it. Apparently not.
The memories from then on slowly become more pleasant. Kirk is reminded of what Spock said about imagining a door closing when several mental doors close in his face. If he had to guess, he’d say they involved Spock’s relationship with Uhura. He’s not really sorry to miss out, although he can’t help wondering what she looks like naked.
Kirk finds it kind of amazing to feel Spock’s emotions towards him from Spock’s perspective. The captain touches him more often than is strictly necessary; their chess matches are barely a challenge and yet he does not wish to stop; his captain is in danger and he reacts without thinking, jumping in front and taking the hit. When he wakes up in sickbay, Uhura is holding his hand, and yet it is Kirk that he searches for and the relief that his captain is uninjured is startling in intensity.
The last memory he is shown is from a few days ago - the situation with Morris and Saunders. Kirk is struck by Spock’s concern, and anger that someone attempted to harm his captain. And as the memories end, he realises that he can feel Spock’s present emotions towards him; affection and protectiveness and desire. The last is kind of a mixed blessing given their current situation, but Kirk can’t help but be thrilled.
Are you regretting your choice? Spock asks tentatively.
No, Kirk responds instantly. Not that I wouldn’t like things to be different, but given the choice we had, I’m not sorry. By now he’s seen most of Spock’s memories, and it’s probably time to return the favour. Don’t you want to see my memories?
He’s four and he doesn’t understand why his mother is always so sad; he’s six and it’s the first time someone tells him that he looks like his father; he’s nine and his mother is marrying Frank and he doesn’t like him at all; he’s eleven and his brother is running away from home and he steals his stepfather’s car and drives and crashes it and it’s the first time he’s ever gotten into trouble; he’s sixteen and sick of being compared to his father; he’s eighteen and has a criminal record as long as his arm; he’s twenty-two and taking up Pike’s dare to join Starfleet.
There are a few memories that Kirk deliberately blocks, but Spock showed him a lot of private stuff and it seems only right that he do the same.
He’s meeting McCoy for the first time and wondering if the guy really is going to throw up on him; he’s a year into the program and the paranoid guy from the shuttle has somehow become his best friend; he’s two and a half years into the program and he fails the Kobayashi Maru for the first time and all he can think of is how he has to be better than his father; he’s three years into the program and he figures out the only way to beat the test is to change the parameters; he’s standing in front of the entire student body and he didn’t cheat, he didn’t, and the smug bastard with the pointed ears actually uses his father against him and he’s never wanted to hit someone more.
It appears our dislike of one another was entirely mutual, Spock comments wryly.
Yeah, well, you were a smug bastard.
And you were an arrogant cadet. Pause. I believe we have both changed.
Once again, Kirk can’t really argue. Shall we continue?
He’s on the Enterprise and it’s incredible; realising what the lightning storm means and hoping desperately that it’s not too late; diving off a platform after Sulu because dammit he’s not going to lose anyone else; watching as Spock appears on the transporter platform looking utterly broken.
He’s waking up in a pod on Delta Vega; running away from giant monsters that want to eat him; meeting a much older Spock who acts like they’re the best of friends. Transporting back to the Enterprise with Scotty and picking a fight with the younger Spock, deliberately trying to hurt him and hating himself for it.
He’s standing in front of the entire student body again, only this time it’s a much more pleasant experience, and he’s captain of the Enterprise and in his wildest dreams he never imagined this. He’s refusing to find a first officer because there’s only one person he’d ever want in that position, and then Spock appears on the bridge and requests permission to come aboard and he thinks he might actually burst with happiness.
He’s finding himself drawn more and more to the Vulcan and can’t resist touching him; a hand on the shoulder, a tap on the arm, and Spock actually lets him, he’s slowly forming a friendship, he’s looking down at Spock’s unconscious body and realising that his feelings are much more complicated than he thought.
The memories finally reach the present, and Kirk can’t resist the wave of joy and affection that flows through him.
He can feel Spock pulling out of his mind, and is struck by a kind of loneliness. It’s a shock to see the real world come back; his cabin seems so ordinary after what they’ve just experienced. Spock removes his fingers from Kirk’s face, and Kirk immediately reaches for the faint link in the back of his mind. He prods at it and blinks as Spock pokes back. “I can feel you,” he says in awe, and grins.
“This is going to be awesome.”
Kirk insists that they spend the rest of the evening testing the limits of the link. He discovers that unless he concentrates really hard, he can only hear Spock’s thoughts if they’re actually touching. The emotions, however, come through loud and clear. It makes him wonder how much more intimate a full bond would be - though neither of them are ready for that.
As part of their experiments, Spock insists on teaching Kirk how to shield his mind. They sit down cross-legged on the floor and Spock takes him through some of the easiest exercises. The news that the ones they’re currently working on are taught to Vulcans at the age of about seven doesn’t exactly do wonders for his ego, especially since he finds them almost impossible.
He didn’t realise that Spock wasn’t shielding until he demonstrates it, and suddenly it’s as though they’re not linked at all. Kirk is surprised at how quickly he’s gotten used to Spock’s presence in the back of his mind; it feels strange not to feel it. He can’t help the rush of relief when Spock stops shielding and the awareness comes flooding back.
Kirk is shocked when he checks the time and realises how late it is. “I guess we’d better say goodnight,” he says. He stands up and attempts to massage the pins and needles out of his legs, observing with annoyance that Spock doesn’t seem to be in any discomfort at all as he rises gracefully to his feet.
Kirk straightens up and holds out a hand. Spock entwines their fingers, then steps forward and brushes their lips together. When he steps back, his eyes are warm. “Goodnight,” he murmurs softly.
“Night,” Kirk replies, slightly stunned. He watches as Spock leaves, and then sits down on the bed with a groan, wondering how long he’s going to be able to bear this celibacy thing. Only the faint presence of Spock in the back of his mind consoles him. “I made my choice,” he mutters to himself. “No going back.”
Next
Pairing: Kirk Prime/Spock Prime, Spock/Uhura, eventual Kirk/Spock
Rating: PG-13
Beta: secret_chord25, many thanks.
Summary: When the Enterprise encounters a ship caught in the Nexus, their rescue attempt beams aboard someone unexpected; Kirk Prime. Kirk and Spock are forced to confront what their counterparts' relationship might mean for their own.
Words: ~5200/33000
The next day is so dull that Kirk actually regrets finishing off his paperwork the night before. He amuses himself by seeing how openly he can ogle Spock without anyone catching on. He stops when Uhura gives him a particularly irritated look and, with a sigh, goes back to staring blankly out of the viewscreen. The shift is so boring that he can actually hear Chekov and Sulu playing Twenty Questions at the navigation console.
He makes a few circuits of the bridge, pausing particularly at the science station, and decides that if there isn’t anything that requires his attention, he might as well go see McCoy. He’s barely spoken to his friend since their brief conversation a few days ago.
“Mr Spock, you have the conn,” he announces with more affection in his tone than he would normally use. Spock looks up and nods in acknowledgement, then goes back to whatever it is he’s working on. Kirk smiles and heads down to sickbay.
He finds McCoy in his office. “How’s it going, Bones?” he asks, dropping into his usual seat. McCoy actually greets him with something other than vague annoyance, further convincing Kirk that it’s been too long since they’ve spoken.
“I’m telling you, it’s been insanity in here over the last week or so. First the wrecked ship, then the ambassador’s injury, then the incident in engineering…. How long’s it ‘til our next shore leave, anyway?”
Kirk thinks for a moment. “That’ll be over Christmas.”
McCoy grumbles under his breath. “Another six weeks of this. I should demand higher pay.”
Kirk laughs, and McCoy’s frustrated expression only increases his amusement. “You know,” he says when he can breathe again, “you complain that you’re a doctor, not a whatever, but when you’re actually forced to act like a doctor, you complain about that as well.”
McCoy scowls. “I’m happy my misery is so amusing to you.” He observes Kirk grumpily. “Why do you look so damn smug?”
Kirk grins. “I kissed Spock.”
McCoy’s eyebrows shoot up. “And he didn’t try to strangle you?”
“Nope.” Kirk leans back in his chair, smile widening. “I think he wants what the other him and me have, too.”
McCoy snorts. “Just remember that this is the guy who marooned you on an ice planet.”
“He’s also the guy who nearly died saving my life two months ago,” Kirk responds. It comes out a little more sharply than he intended, and he looks down at the desk. “I really like him, Bones.”
“If you’re going to get all mushy about it, I’m going to need a drink,” McCoy grumbles.
“Can’t,” Kirk replies. “I’m on duty.” He frowns. “So are you.”
“Then don’t talk about your feelings for the elf and we’ll be fine.”
Kirk tilts his head exasperatedly. “Would it kill you to use his name?”
“Probably.” Off Kirk’s look, McCoy sighs and adds, “Don’t talk about your feelings for Spock. There, better?”
“Much better.” Kirk leans forward. “Oh, and Uhura threatened me.”
“Really.”
“Yup. If this thing with Spock doesn’t work out, I may need your protection.” Off McCoy’s dubious look, he adds, “You don’t want to know what she threatened to do to me.”
McCoy shakes his head. “How do you get yourself into these situations?”
Kirk shrugs. “Must be my winning personality.” Resolutely changing the subject, he adds, “So, is there anyone on your radar?”
McCoy shrugs. “I wouldn’t say no to Christine Chapel if she asked. She’s taken, though. Some guy named Roger.”
“Pity,” Kirk muses. “You might be less on edge if you were actually getting some.” He ignores the look that McCoy sends him.
“Some of us have to manage without alternate versions of ourselves willing to offer advice,” McCoy points out.
Kirk shrugs, grinning. “Sucks to be you.” He stands and stretches. “I guess I should get back to work, though it’s the most boring shift in the history of ever.”
“Don’t knock it,” McCoy calls as Kirk leaves. “God knows we don’t get enough boring shifts around here.”
* * * * *
It takes almost an hour of meditation before Spock can be sure of his control, certain that the barriers around his mind are as strong as possible. Before he leaves his quarters, he changes into a black shirt and pants, remembering Kirk’s words from a few days ago.
Kirk greets him with, “Hey, you’re not wearing your uniform.” He looks Spock up and down as the door closes.
“You asked me not to,” Spock points out.
“Yeah, I did, didn’t I?” Kirk is still looking at him. “You look good.” He appears to realise he is staring and quickly looks away. “So, how does this work, then?”
“It will help if you make yourself comfortable,” Spock tells him.
Kirk nods and settles himself on the bed. Spock moves to sit beside him; for a moment, they just stare at each other.
“Will you be able to see all my memories?” Kirk asks quietly.
“This first meld will be very light. I will not be looking at any of your memories.” Spock pauses. “But, for future reference, if there is anything you do not wish me to see, imagine a door closing, or a curtain being pulled. I will not look.”
“How many times have you done this?”
Spock thinks for a moment and decides that Kirk deserves the truth. “Never with a human.”
Kirk looks surprised. “You never melded with Uhura?”
“I was attempting to cultivate a human relationship. Mindmelds were not a part of that.” In truth, Spock isn’t certain why he never attempted this with Uhura. It just never seemed necessary.
“I’d ask if it’s safe, but I know you wouldn’t be doing it if you thought I could get hurt.” Kirk gives a small smile.
Spock is rendered speechless for a moment at the captain’s trust in him. “I am gratified that you think so,” he eventually manages.
Kirk shrugs, looking away.
“Are you ready?”
“No time like the present.” Kirk shifts towards him slightly.
Spock reaches forward and carefully positions his fingertips on Kirk’s face. Breathing deeply, he checks his controls one last time. “My mind to your mind; my thoughts to your thoughts,” he murmurs.
Spock slips into Kirk’s mind as though it was made for him. He did not believe this kind of compatibility could be possible; he can now understand why his counterpart found it so difficult to avoid a link.
Kirk’s mind is full of colour, bright yellow and red. Spock is reminded of fire and immediately sees his own mind as water - deep blues and greens. They complement each other perfectly. Spock can feel Kirk’s essence all around him; can feel Kirk’s awe and wonder at the situation. He is marvelling at the experience himself when he hears Kirk’s voice in his mind.
This is amazing. Is it always like this?
It has never been like this before.
Will it always be like this, for us?
I do not know. Spock suddenly begins to feel Kirk’s mind pulling at his own. I must end the meld.
Already? Kirk’s disappointment comes through clearly.
If I stay any longer, a link will start to form. Spock can understand why Kirk is unhappy at the situation; he, too, would like to further explore this fascinating mental world. For an instant he wonders if it would be so bad to let a link form between them - and, shocked, begins to pull out of Kirk’s mind.
No! Kirk’s essence suddenly seems to surround him, and Spock finds that he cannot separate his own mind from his captain’s. Kirk has apparently done the mental equivalent of grabbing hold of Spock and holding on tight. Confusion and alarm sweep through Spock; this should not be possible; he was always told that humans were psy-null; why didn't his counterpart warn him?
Jim, you must stop this, he orders desperately.
Kirk’s response is an almost incomprehensible blur of thoughts and emotions;
confusioncan’tdon’tknowhowfeardon’twanttobealoneagainwanttostaywithyoupainpleasedon’tmakemeleave
Spock is fairly certain that Kirk does not even know what he is doing, but he can feel the link forming, filling in the pathways left when his link with T’Pring was severed. He tries, once more, to keep the inevitable from happening, and is unsuccessful.
Finally Kirk calms down enough for Spock to disconnect them. He slowly removes his fingers from Kirk’s face, and finds to his dismay that he can still feel the human’s emotions in the back of his mind. For a moment all they can do is stare wordlessly at each other.
“What just happened?” Kirk asks, eyes wide.
Spock struggles for words. “I believe you have just created a mind link between us.”
“What?” He looks at Spock apologetically, practically radiating discomfort. “I didn’t mean to. I just… I’ve never felt anything like that before. I didn’t want it to end.” He looks down sheepishly. “Then everything got kind of mixed up.”
Frowning, he adds, “How could I do this? I’m not a telepath.”
“I know,” Spock replies. “It should not be possible.”
Kirk laughs humourlessly. “Well, it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve done the impossible.” He glances at Spock, then drops his head into his hands. “What does this mean?” Groaning, he adds, “Please tell me I haven’t just accidentally married us.”
“A mind link is different from a marriage bond,” Spock reassures him. “In Vulcan terms, it is more like an engagement.”
“I’m not sure how much of an improvement that is.” Kirk sighs, looking up. “Can it be broken?”
“Yes. However, we would need to avoid melding or the link would likely reform.”
Kirk is silent for a moment, apparently considering this.
“So, what…. What would happen if we kept it?”
Spock frowns; this is a question that requires complete honesty. He wishes that he could give Kirk different news as he replies, “A marriage bond is generally created by consummation of the mind link.”
He feels a wave of shock and dismay from Kirk. “You mean we can’t have sex? At all?”
“Not without creating a permanent bond between us.”
Kirk runs his hands through his hair. “Maybe someone should’ve told me that before.” He meets Spock’s eyes, his disappointment equalling Spock’s own. “What do we do now?”
Spock can only think of one option. “I believe this may be something to discuss with our counterparts.”
Kirk blinks. “You mean together?”
“Ideally.”
Kirk takes a deep breath. “Okay. What time is it?”
Spock doesn’t bother to look at the clock. “21:35.”
Kirk snorts. “I wish I could do that.” He stands and stretches. “Might as well get it over with.”
* * *
Their counterparts are playing chess. Watching them, Spock begins to understand where Kirk learned to beat him. Jim is a particularly adept player and, as he turns to greet them, the elder Spock reaches forward and tips his king in defeat.
“Well, this is a surprise,” Jim says, smiling. “Both of you, together.”
Spock glances at Kirk, and their eyes meet. Spock is the first to look away; this is no time to get distracted.
“I assume you have attempted the mindmeld?” the elder Spock asks.
Spock nods. “We appear to have formed a mind link.” He folds his hands behind his back.
Kirk raises a hand hesitantly. “It might’ve been my fault.”
The elder Spock raises an eyebrow. “How was it your fault?”
Kirk shuffles his feet. “Well, I sort of tried to stop him from ending the meld, and then…” - he waves a hand - “…this happened.”
The ambassador frowns, glancing at Jim. “Interesting. I always assumed that our accidental connection was due to an error on my part. If I’d known this was a possibility, I would have advised you differently.”
“Spock did speculate once that I had some latent telepathic abilities,” Jim says thoughtfully. “Have you decided what you’re going to do about the link?”
“We hoped you would be able to offer some advice,” Spock replies.
“If you wish to break it, I would do so sooner rather than later,” the elder Spock tells them.
Kirk frowns. “Spock said if we break the link, we wouldn’t be able to meld again without it reforming.”
“Based on the events of today, I would assume that’s correct.”
“How do we break it?”
“There are healers who can perform the ritual,” Spock tells him. “There will likely be one on Babel.”
Kirk chews on his lip, apparently deep in thought. “And what if we don’t break it? Aside from what we’ve already discussed.”
Spock considers this. “Logically, it could prove to be a great asset. The ability to know if the other was in danger or otherwise in need of help.”
Kirk nods. “Okay.”
“There were many times when it was useful to us,” Jim puts in.
Something occurs to Spock then. “How long did you have the mind link before it became a bond?”
The elder Spock thinks for a moment. “Five-point-seven years.”
Spock can see Kirk’s jaw drop. “You didn’t have sex in all that time?”
Jim looks particularly amused. “We weren’t together during that time.” He glances at the elder Spock. “It took us a lot longer than you two to figure it out.”
Kirk sits down on the edge of the bed. Spock hesitates, then sits down next to him.
“Would it still be possible to break the link if it were to become a bond?” Spock asks. He is not hopeful, but decides it is worth asking.
The elder Spock sighs. “Most bonds can be dissolved by a healer, with some effort. However, the particular bond that Jim and I share is very strong. It can only be broken by the death of a partner.”
“Or their complete removal from time and space,” Jim adds.
“Well, that’s less than ideal,” Kirk says, frowning. “Looks like we have two choices. We can break the link and avoid melding, or we can keep the link and avoid sex.”
Spock notes that he actually seems to be considering the latter option, rather than immediately dismissing it. He allows himself to consider the possibility and finds that it is not an entirely unpleasant idea. There is something indescribably right about having Kirk’s presence in the back of his mind.
“I regret that we cannot be of more help,” the ambassador tells them with regret. “This is a decision you will have to make on your own.”
* * * * *
Kirk finds it particularly difficult to get to sleep that night. He lies awake for hours, the conversation with their counterparts going round and round in his mind. If he wants to avoid a bond with Spock, they’ll either have to avoid melding or avoid sex. Neither option seems attractive. The idea that they wouldn’t have this problem if they were less compatible seems particularly unfair.
He attempts, albeit reluctantly, to look at the situation from all angles. Spock said that Vulcans didn’t generally have sex outside of a bond anyway and, apparently, their counterparts weren't an exception. Kirk frowns. He supposes he did agree to go slowly, but waiting until marriage isn’t quite what he meant. It’s pretty unlike him to be even considering this, but somehow… Spock is different.
When he met the elder Spock in that cave on Delta Vega and was told about the lifelong friendship that they had in that timeline, Kirk knew that he wanted that. After he actually spent time with Spock, he began to want it even more, and tried everything he could think of to make it happen. And then two months ago, Spock nearly died protecting him, and Kirk was forced to admit that maybe Spock’s friendship wasn’t all he wanted.
And now, he has everything that he wished for potentially in his grasp. When they melded, it was the first time in his life that he didn't feel alone. If he concentrates, he can feel Spock very faintly in the back of his mind, and when Kirk thinks about breaking the link and not having that anymore, it actually aches.
And suddenly, everything falls into place. The decision he comes to goes against everything he believed about himself, and yet, as he falls asleep, Kirk thinks that he couldn’t possibly have made a different one.
* * *
The next morning he wakes early, intending to intercept Spock before he goes to breakfast. When the door to Spock’s cabin opens, he looks at Kirk in surprise. “Jim. What brings you here?”
“Can we talk?” Kirk asks.
Spock raises an eyebrow and moves aside.
Kirk glances around the room. He’s only been in Spock’s quarters a couple of times before, and those times it was strictly business. He sits down on the bed, hands in his lap.
Spock remains standing, hands behind his back. “What is it that you wish to discuss?”
Kirk twists his fingers together, looking down at them determinedly. “Us.”
At that, Spock comes to sit next to him. “It is a difficult decision to make.”
Kirk gives a huff of laughter. “That’s the thing, though. It wasn’t a difficult decision. It probably should have been, but it wasn’t.”
He looks Spock squarely in the eyes. “I want to keep the link.”
Spock frowns. “You are aware of what you are agreeing to? We will need to abstain completely from sexual relations if we wish to remain unbonded.”
“Yeah, and I was up half of last night thinking about it. But I figure we can always break it later, if we want to, and I knew when I started this that it might mean going slowly.” Kirk holds Spock’s gaze, willing him to understand. “Don’t get me wrong; I want to have sex with you, but… I think I want this more. I’m willing to do this, if you are.”
Spock’s eyes soften. “I must admit… I also wish to keep the link.”
Kirk smiles. “So we’re really doing this?”
His smile grows wider as Spock reaches over and entwines their fingers. “Are you certain that this is what you want?” Spock asks quietly.
Kirk squeezes his hand gently. “Yes.”
Spock trails the fingers of his free hand down Kirk’s face. “Then… I wish to meld with you again.”
“Me, too.”
Spock pulls away abruptly, eyes warm. “Tonight. Right now, we should leave if we are not to be late.”
Kirk follows him out of the door, still smiling.
* * *
They stop by to see their counterparts again that night. The elder Spock warns them that the longer they wait and the more they meld, the harder it will be to break the link. But now that the decision is made, Kirk doesn’t intend to change his mind. Jim seems thrilled, and the elder Spock also seems pleased, once he is reassured that they really do know what they’re getting into. When Kirk reaches out and takes Spock’s hand, the ambassador actually smiles. Kirk wonders if he can get his own Spock to do that.
They walk back to Kirk’s cabin in silence, but it’s a comfortable silence. “Y’know, I think I’m going to miss them,” Kirk remarks.
Spock appears to consider this. “I believe I know how you feel.”
Kirk bumps his shoulder companionably. “Do you think that’ll be us in like thirty years?”
“Perhaps for you. For myself, it would be closer to one hundred and thirty years.”
“I meant their relationship, but hey, not many people could look that good at like a hundred and fifty,” Kirk says with a grin. He watches with amusement and triumph as Spock’s cheeks turn green.
They reach his quarters before the conversation can continue. Kirk taps in the code and gestures for Spock to enter first. Once they are both inside, they just stare at each other. “So, does this mean we’re engaged?” Kirk asks.
“By Vulcan custom, yes,” Spock confirms. “However, it would perhaps be prudent to keep the news to ourselves for the time being.”
Kirk laughs. “Yeah. Though I bet Bones’s reaction would be priceless.”
He steps forwards and slowly wraps his arms around Spock. “I can’t believe we’re actually doing this,” he mumbles against Spock’s shoulder. He feels the Vulcan return the embrace hesitantly, and pulls away a little so he can look him in the eyes.
“How long have you desired me?” Spock murmurs.
Kirk thinks for a moment. “I think… since I first saw you kissing Uhura on the transporter platform. But it didn’t really hit home until two months ago.” He grips Spock a little tighter. “When I thought you might die” - he takes a deep breath - “I don’t think I’ve ever been so afraid.”
Spock presses their foreheads together gently. “I should have realised before.”
Kirk slowly begins to pull away. “Do you think - if all this hadn’t happened, we’d still be together?”
“I believe that we would, eventually,” Spock responds. He takes a step backwards; Kirk gives him a curious look.
“Jim, there is another meaning to the word t’hy’la; one I did not share with you before.”
Kirk feels his heart speed up. “What is it?” he asks, voice barely above a whisper.
Spock swallows. “The closest Terran equivalent would be ‘soulmate’.”
There is a small part of Kirk that immediately freaks out over the idea of being anyone’s soulmate, but the much larger part is filled with wonder and awe. “Really?”
Spock nods, his eyes warm.
Kirk beams at him. “Meld with me?”
He sits down on the bed and taps the space beside him. Spock sits and reaches out, gently resting his fingers on Kirk’s face. Kirk closes his eyes and nods. He can hear Spock murmur, “My mind to your mind,” and they are, suddenly, together.
It’s nothing like last time, all colours and emotions and vague sensations. This meld is like a tour of Spock’s mind. Kirk can see Spock’s memories, but it’s not like a picture album or a holovid - it’s as though he’s actually there, and feeling all of the emotions that Spock has attached to the memories.
Playing with a giant bear-like creature - a sehlat called I-Chaya, Spock informs him. Beating up another kid who insulted his mother; informing the Vulcan Science Academy that he is refusing their offer. Whoa, you were a rebel, Kirk thinks in amazement, and feels a ripple of amusement in response.
Joining Starfleet and feeling out of place as one of very few Vulcans; beginning a relationship with Uhura; feeling annoyance and curiosity at the arrogant cadet who has somehow beaten his test. Arguing with that same cadet - Kirk - in front of the entire student body, wondering who this person is that can inspire such emotion in him. You really didn’t like me.
You did not like me, either, Spock responds, and Kirk can’t really argue with that.
The memories go faster now that they’ve gotten to the stuff Kirk was actually present for. When they get to Spock’s mother’s death, there is a wave of pain that makes Kirk wish he knew how to hug people through a mindmeld. Spock seems to appreciate the effort, as the pain diminishes slightly. And then he’s seeing the scene on the bridge from Spock’s perspective - such anger and grief that he can barely see straight and all he wants is for Kirk to feel some of his pain. I could have killed you, he hears Spock think.
You didn’t, he sends back, dazed at how guilty Spock still feels about it. You forgave me for what I said; I forgave you for this. One of the first things he did after the Narada incident was track down Spock and apologise. Spock did likewise and Kirk thought that they were over it. Apparently not.
The memories from then on slowly become more pleasant. Kirk is reminded of what Spock said about imagining a door closing when several mental doors close in his face. If he had to guess, he’d say they involved Spock’s relationship with Uhura. He’s not really sorry to miss out, although he can’t help wondering what she looks like naked.
Kirk finds it kind of amazing to feel Spock’s emotions towards him from Spock’s perspective. The captain touches him more often than is strictly necessary; their chess matches are barely a challenge and yet he does not wish to stop; his captain is in danger and he reacts without thinking, jumping in front and taking the hit. When he wakes up in sickbay, Uhura is holding his hand, and yet it is Kirk that he searches for and the relief that his captain is uninjured is startling in intensity.
The last memory he is shown is from a few days ago - the situation with Morris and Saunders. Kirk is struck by Spock’s concern, and anger that someone attempted to harm his captain. And as the memories end, he realises that he can feel Spock’s present emotions towards him; affection and protectiveness and desire. The last is kind of a mixed blessing given their current situation, but Kirk can’t help but be thrilled.
Are you regretting your choice? Spock asks tentatively.
No, Kirk responds instantly. Not that I wouldn’t like things to be different, but given the choice we had, I’m not sorry. By now he’s seen most of Spock’s memories, and it’s probably time to return the favour. Don’t you want to see my memories?
He’s four and he doesn’t understand why his mother is always so sad; he’s six and it’s the first time someone tells him that he looks like his father; he’s nine and his mother is marrying Frank and he doesn’t like him at all; he’s eleven and his brother is running away from home and he steals his stepfather’s car and drives and crashes it and it’s the first time he’s ever gotten into trouble; he’s sixteen and sick of being compared to his father; he’s eighteen and has a criminal record as long as his arm; he’s twenty-two and taking up Pike’s dare to join Starfleet.
There are a few memories that Kirk deliberately blocks, but Spock showed him a lot of private stuff and it seems only right that he do the same.
He’s meeting McCoy for the first time and wondering if the guy really is going to throw up on him; he’s a year into the program and the paranoid guy from the shuttle has somehow become his best friend; he’s two and a half years into the program and he fails the Kobayashi Maru for the first time and all he can think of is how he has to be better than his father; he’s three years into the program and he figures out the only way to beat the test is to change the parameters; he’s standing in front of the entire student body and he didn’t cheat, he didn’t, and the smug bastard with the pointed ears actually uses his father against him and he’s never wanted to hit someone more.
It appears our dislike of one another was entirely mutual, Spock comments wryly.
Yeah, well, you were a smug bastard.
And you were an arrogant cadet. Pause. I believe we have both changed.
Once again, Kirk can’t really argue. Shall we continue?
He’s on the Enterprise and it’s incredible; realising what the lightning storm means and hoping desperately that it’s not too late; diving off a platform after Sulu because dammit he’s not going to lose anyone else; watching as Spock appears on the transporter platform looking utterly broken.
He’s waking up in a pod on Delta Vega; running away from giant monsters that want to eat him; meeting a much older Spock who acts like they’re the best of friends. Transporting back to the Enterprise with Scotty and picking a fight with the younger Spock, deliberately trying to hurt him and hating himself for it.
He’s standing in front of the entire student body again, only this time it’s a much more pleasant experience, and he’s captain of the Enterprise and in his wildest dreams he never imagined this. He’s refusing to find a first officer because there’s only one person he’d ever want in that position, and then Spock appears on the bridge and requests permission to come aboard and he thinks he might actually burst with happiness.
He’s finding himself drawn more and more to the Vulcan and can’t resist touching him; a hand on the shoulder, a tap on the arm, and Spock actually lets him, he’s slowly forming a friendship, he’s looking down at Spock’s unconscious body and realising that his feelings are much more complicated than he thought.
The memories finally reach the present, and Kirk can’t resist the wave of joy and affection that flows through him.
He can feel Spock pulling out of his mind, and is struck by a kind of loneliness. It’s a shock to see the real world come back; his cabin seems so ordinary after what they’ve just experienced. Spock removes his fingers from Kirk’s face, and Kirk immediately reaches for the faint link in the back of his mind. He prods at it and blinks as Spock pokes back. “I can feel you,” he says in awe, and grins.
“This is going to be awesome.”
Kirk insists that they spend the rest of the evening testing the limits of the link. He discovers that unless he concentrates really hard, he can only hear Spock’s thoughts if they’re actually touching. The emotions, however, come through loud and clear. It makes him wonder how much more intimate a full bond would be - though neither of them are ready for that.
As part of their experiments, Spock insists on teaching Kirk how to shield his mind. They sit down cross-legged on the floor and Spock takes him through some of the easiest exercises. The news that the ones they’re currently working on are taught to Vulcans at the age of about seven doesn’t exactly do wonders for his ego, especially since he finds them almost impossible.
He didn’t realise that Spock wasn’t shielding until he demonstrates it, and suddenly it’s as though they’re not linked at all. Kirk is surprised at how quickly he’s gotten used to Spock’s presence in the back of his mind; it feels strange not to feel it. He can’t help the rush of relief when Spock stops shielding and the awareness comes flooding back.
Kirk is shocked when he checks the time and realises how late it is. “I guess we’d better say goodnight,” he says. He stands up and attempts to massage the pins and needles out of his legs, observing with annoyance that Spock doesn’t seem to be in any discomfort at all as he rises gracefully to his feet.
Kirk straightens up and holds out a hand. Spock entwines their fingers, then steps forward and brushes their lips together. When he steps back, his eyes are warm. “Goodnight,” he murmurs softly.
“Night,” Kirk replies, slightly stunned. He watches as Spock leaves, and then sits down on the bed with a groan, wondering how long he’s going to be able to bear this celibacy thing. Only the faint presence of Spock in the back of his mind consoles him. “I made my choice,” he mutters to himself. “No going back.”
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