The Spaces Between - Part 2
Fandom: Star Trek TOS
Pairing: Kirk/Spock, AU!Kirk/AU!Spock, slight Kirk/AU!Spock
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Weeks after the events of The Voyage Home, Spock is still piecing together his memories, unaware of the relationship that once existed between him and Kirk. Kirk, for his part, is determined to suffer in silence, but when a Spock from an alternate universe appears, still reeling from the loss of his own James Kirk, all their lives are thrown into chaos.
Words: ~6000/14900
Warnings: Consent issues
Exhausted from too many disturbed nights, Kirk manages to sleep through his alarm. When he finally wakes up, he takes one look at the clock and swears colourfully before leaping out of bed. He is supposed to attend a meeting at Starfleet headquarters about the Whale Probe disaster this morning, and, unless luck is very much on his side, he's going to be late.
He dresses in record time and rushes out of the room, and nearly runs straight into Spock. The events of last night come back to him in a rush, but he's in too much of a rush to feel awkward. "Hey," he says, as he hurries past. "Sorry, I can't stop. I have a meeting. Feel free to make yourself at home while I'm gone."
Spock follows him to the door, and it's then that Kirk notices he's carrying a cup of coffee. A rush of fondness briefly overcomes him; Spock doesn't drink coffee, so it must have been intended for him. "When will you be back?" Spock asks.
Kirk frowns as he shrugs into his jacket. "I don't know. Shouldn't be more than a few hours, I don't think, but I'll call you when I know more."
It's such a familiar scene - him rushing off for some meeting, Spock seeing him off and asking when he'll be back - that he is stepping forward for his usual goodbye kiss before reality comes crashing back in. Hastily he changes it to a friendly grip on Spock's shoulder and steps back, hoping the other man hasn't noticed his lapse. "I'll see you later."
"Indeed," Spock says.
He doesn't seem to have noticed Kirk's mistake, but it's hard to tell. Kirk stares at him for a second before turning and heading out.
* * *
He manages to be on time for the meeting, by the skin of his teeth. It goes just about as he expected - repair work is going slowly but steadily, but there's still a lot to be done.
He spies his Spock at the meeting, sitting on the other side of the table. They exchange glances, but they're too far away to speak. Once or twice Kirk looks up to find Spock watching him, an unreadable expression on his face.
Spock comes up to him afterwards, and Kirk can't help but notice how similar he is to the other Spock. If he didn't know this was his Spock he'd never be able to tell.
"Captain," Spock greets him. "How are things with my counterpart?"
Kirk suddenly flashes back to last night and it takes real effort to keep his face straight. "Fine," he says shortly. "He's back at the apartment."
"Are you sure that is wise?" Spock asks, and Kirk has a flash of irritation.
"What, do you think he's going to rob me?"
Spock frowns. "I only meant-"
"I know, Spock." Kirk sighs, feeling tired. "I'm sorry. I'm just a little tense."
"Is there anything I can do?"
You can remember that you love me, Kirk thinks, but all he says is, "No. I'll be fine."
"Can I accompany you to your apartment?" Spock asks.
Kirk shakes his head. "I'm not going home just yet - I have some errands to run first. But you're welcome to come round later."
Spock nods slowly. "I will see you later then."
Kirk nods, then hesitates briefly before reaching out and laying a hand on Spock's arm. "Later."
Spock walks away and Kirk takes a moment to send the other Spock a quick message before heading off towards the parking lot. Maybe he can make dinner tonight and repay some of the alternate Spock's kindness.
* * * * *
As Spock walks away from Kirk, his mind is abuzz. The brief conversation with Kirk has revealed two facts - that his counterpart is at Kirk's apartment, and that Kirk himself will not be there for some time. It seems this could be a perfect time for he and his counterpart to become better acquainted.
Once he has made the decision, it is relatively easy to set it into action. He takes a taxi to Kirk's apartment block, then makes his way inside and up to the fourth floor. Kirk's apartment is number 402, and Spock stares at the door for a moment before ringing the bell. It feels familiar in a way that other places he has been do not. Kirk's apartment feels like… home, and he does not understand why.
The door opens before he can figure it out. His counterpart stands there, blocking the doorway, and for a moment the two of them just stare at each other.
"Jim is not here," his counterpart says finally.
"I know," Spock replies. "I wish to speak with you."
His counterpart raises an eyebrow. "Indeed?"
"Yes," Spock says. "May I come in?"
His counterpart stares at him for a moment longer, then steps aside without a word. Spock steps past him and waits until the door has closed behind him before beginning to speak.
"I wish to know your purpose for being here," he begins bluntly.
"I believe I answered that," his counterpart replies.
"Yes," Spock says, "but I do not believe you have been entirely truthful. You know that your device works, that it can transport you to alternate realities. Logically, there is no reason for you to still be here."
His counterpart's eyes seem to gleam in response. "And that irritates you?"
"Irritation is an emotion," Spock replies. It's a rote response, instilled by the healers, and from the look his counterpart gives him is not at all convincing. He shrugs it off and continues, "Captain Kirk is my friend. I do not wish to see him hurt."
"I would never hurt him," his counterpart retorts. Anger flashes in his eyes in a decidedly un-Vulcan manner. "And you have no right to interfere in our affairs. You gave up that right when you forgot about him and left him alone. He's in pain because of you."
Spock's heart clenches in his side at the words. "He is in pain?" The idea is unpleasant, more so if what his counterpart says is true and he is the cause.
"Great pain," his counterpart replies. "I attempted to help him, but he was too focused on you to let me." His gaze is harsh, unforgiving. "If you cared about him at all, you would let him go so that he could find happiness."
Spock stares at him uncomprehendingly. "I am not keeping him from happiness," he says.
"Not on purpose," his counterpart agrees. "But that doesn't mean it isn't happening." He seems to change the subject abruptly. "He told me your memory was damaged in the chaos. Do you think it will ever return?"
"I do not know," Spock answers honestly. "Occasionally I will have flashes of memory, or one will come to me in a dream, but there is still much I cannot recall, and I am uncertain whether I ever will."
His counterpart shakes his head slowly. "And that is the crux of the issue. How can you hope to make him happy if you do not even remember what he is to you?"
Puzzled, Spock replies, "He is my friend."
"Friend," his counterpart repeats, adding an unpleasant tinge to the word. "Yes. You truly do not know how lucky you are, do you?" He turns away, picking a glass off the table, and adds quietly, "You do not deserve him."
Unexpected anger flares in Spock's chest. "Neither do you. Just because your Kirk is dead does not give you the right to come here and cast aspersions on my relationships. Or my character."
A faint smile graces the edges of his counterpart's mouth as he replies, "I would think I would be uniquely suited to discuss your character." He shifts his grip on the glass and adds, "We are almost the same, you know. When I programmed the machine I set it to seek out a universe as close to my own as possible. I have been researching since I arrived here, and indeed our two universes are identical in almost every respect."
"The divergence being that my James Kirk is alive, while yours is dead," Spock says. Something itches at the edge of his mind and he adds, "Is that the true reason why you came here? To see him?"
His counterpart narrows his eyes. "And if I did?"
"He is not yours," Spock tells him. "To use him merely as a replacement for your own James Kirk would be making him less than he is."
"He is not a 'replacement'," his counterpart replies sharply, setting down the glass with a thud. "You should not speak of things you do not understand, and that do not concern you."
"If it concerns him it does concern me," Spock counters. "And rest assured that if you attempt to harm him or persuade him into something he does not wish, I will find out, and I will stop you."
Even with his previous concerns as to the other's sanity, what happens next comes as a surprise to Spock. His counterpart darts out an arm, aiming for Spock's shoulder, and only Spock's sharp reflexes prevent him from being rendered unconscious. He knocks his counterpart's hand away, and the other Spock gives a growl of frustration. "I won't let you take him from me!" he cries, and lunges at Spock, knocking him backwards.
Spock's head hits the wall with a crack, and he knows no more.
* * * * *
"You don't deserve him!" Spock spits, before it dawns on him that his counterpart is no longer fighting him. He pulls back and watches as the other man slumps bonelessly to the ground. Unease coils in his stomach; he didn't mean to hurt his counterpart, merely keep him from ruining everything Spock has worked so hard for.
Crouching down, he presses his fingers to the other's neck and is relieved to feel a steady pulse. Just unconscious, then. Likely knocked out by the impact, and Spock has been in that situation enough times to know it won't cause any permanent damage.
His next thought is what he is going to tell Kirk. His friend has been so kind and generous to him, and Spock has repaid him with violence and injury. Kirk would be well within his rights to ask Spock to leave, or even to return to his own universe. The thought makes Spock's stomach lurch. He does not want to leave Kirk, it would be like losing him all over again.
He needs a plan. Perhaps if he could get to Kirk first, explain his side of it. Or perhaps….
His eyes fall back on the unconscious figure of his counterpart. Perhaps he can give Kirk exactly what he needs. But he'll have to keep the other Spock from interfering.
He searches his counterpart's body until he finds his communicator, then strides over to the comm and with several quick motions smashes it to pieces. That should slow him down long enough for Spock to do what he has to.
As a last action, he rolls his counterpart onto his side, just in case. He may not particularly like the man - not least due to the amount of pain he is causing to Kirk - but he does not wish him to come to harm. Then he leaves, locking the door behind him.
* * * * *
Kirk is just leaving the store when his communicator beeps. It takes a little juggling - he might have gone a little overboard on the ingredients - but he manages to dig it out and answer it. "Kirk here."
The voice that greets him is Spock's. "Captain," he says. "I must speak with you at once. Where are you?"
If Kirk had a free hand, he would rub his forehead. "Running errands, Spock. Like I told you. And if this is more stuff about your counterpart, I don't want to hear it."
"That is not why I called," Spock replies quickly. "There is something I need to show you."
Kirk sighs. "All right. I'm heading back to my apartment. I'll meet you there."
"No," Spock replies immediately. There's something to his voice - if it were anyone else Kirk would think they were nervous. "I would prefer to talk in private. Would you be willing to meet me at my office at Starfleet Academy?"
Part of Kirk wants to refuse, but he's never been able to refuse Spock anything he really wanted. And, he admits, he's a little curious. "Fine," he agrees. "I'll be there in twenty minutes."
"That would be acceptable," Spock replies. "I will see you there."
The line cuts out without a goodbye. Kirk looks longingly at the bag of ingredients, then sighs and begins making his way to his air-car.
He attempts to call home and let the alternate Spock know he'll be a little late, but Spock must be busy because there's no answer to his calls. Kirk leaves a message and tries not to be concerned by the lack of response.
He arrives at the academy a short time later, and leaves the bags in the car as he makes his way towards Spock's office. There's a deep uneasiness in his stomach as he approaches, but he pushes past it. This is Spock, after all.
The door slides open as he approaches, and he can see Spock standing near the desk, reading something on a PADD. It's such a familiar sight that he relaxes, his worries beginning to fade.
Spock looks up as Kirk enters the room. His expression doesn't change, but something flickers in his eyes. "Captain," he greets. "Thank you for agreeing to meet with me."
Kirk hears the door shut behind him and crosses his arms. "Are you going to tell me what this is about?" he asks.
Spock straightens, clasping his arms behind him in a familiar gesture. "I spoke with my counterpart," he begins, and Kirk stifles a groan.
"Give me strength," he murmurs under his breath. Then louder, to Spock, "Fine. You talked to your counterpart and he told you something so shocking that you had to drag me here under false pretences. What is it? Is he a murderer? A secret clone? A Klingon in disguise? Because I'm telling you, this had better be good."
Spock just stares at him for a moment. "Why are you so reluctant to think badly of him?"
Kirk balls his hands into fists. "We've been over this, Spock. He's alone, he's hurting, and he needs my help. He hasn't given any indication that he is a danger to me or anyone else, and until that changes I'm going to continue to give him the benefit of the doubt."
Spock's expression warms suddenly, in a way Kirk hasn't seen in… he doesn't even know how long. "You see," Spock says, almost fondly, "this is why I love you. You always see the best in people."
Kirk stares at him, unable to believe his ears. Spock just said that he loved him. This should be the happiest day of his life, but he can barely muster a smile. There's something not quite right in Spock's expression, and his instincts are starting to blare at him.
He studies Spock's face, trying to figure out what is going on, and then he sees it. A tiny scar on Spock's jaw. One that is almost unnoticeable, and easily overlooked, had Kirk not spent years mapping every scar and mark on Spock's body.
Scars and marks that were erased when his body was recreated on Genesis.
He takes a step backwards, and Spock's - Alternate Spock's - expression falls.
"You…" Kirk begins, then shakes his head firmly. "Why?" he asks. "Did you honestly think I wouldn't realise it?"
"Jim?"
But Kirk is in no mood to be placated. "Oh, don't play dumb," he snaps, hands clenching involuntarily into fists. "I was willing to forgive you the first time, but this is too far. You can't make me fall in love with you by pretending to be him, it doesn't work that way."
Spock stares at him for a few seconds, then lowers his gaze, looking tired. "You are right," he says. "And I apologise."
His tone invokes memories of the night before, and Kirk feels his anger ebb in spite of himself. "All right," he replies slowly. "I'll let it go this time, but don't think it'll happen again."
Spock shakes his head and steps forward. "No," he says. "You don't understand. I was not apologising for that, I was apologising for this."
Before Kirk can react, Spock grabs his arm with one hand, and presses the other one to his face. Kirk struggles, but he's no match for Vulcan strength.
Spock's mind enters his and he is lost.
* * * * *
When Spock comes to, he is lying on the floor of Kirk's apartment, his head pounding as if a herd of elephants is marching through it.
It takes him a few seconds to remember how he got to this point, but then it all comes back to him and he sits up abruptly. His head protests the movement quite vigorously, and he has to employ several meditative techniques to avoid either vomiting or passing out. He probes the tender area of his skull with one hand; there is a sizable lump forming, but he does not appear to be bleeding.
It is glaringly obvious that his counterpart is no longer here, and Spock's nausea increases as he thinks of where he might have gone. Spock's time-sense tells him he has only been unconscious for a few minutes, but it is enough for his counterpart to have built up a substantial head start.
Spock rises carefully to a standing position, steadying himself on the wall until he feels sure of his balance. He reaches for his communicator, intending to contact Kirk, and finds it missing. His counterpart must have taken it.
He makes his way over to the comm, but it's broken, smashed to pieces. Looking at the wreckage, it appears to have been done by hand. Spock feels a brief wave of despair. Kirk is out there, in danger, and Spock has no way of warning him.
He steadies himself against the desk and tries to think. All indications are that he and his counterpart are virtually identical, so it should not be difficult to follow his thought patterns. If he, Spock, needed a place to go, and he couldn't go home, where would he go?
I would go to the academy.
It isn't much to go on, but it's better than nothing. Pushing all discomfort to the back of his mind, he hurries out of the apartment. His counterpart may have a head start, but if Spock is lucky, he can still get there in time to stop him.
* * *
The journey to the academy takes fifteen minutes. Spock knows, logically, that there is no way he could have got there faster, but the delay still makes him restless.
Once there, he heads straight for the building that houses his office. It is the logical place to go, but his decision is not based on logic. It feels almost as if he is being drawn there.
In his hurry, he nearly runs into a woman in dark clothes leaving the building. "Captain Spock!" she exclaims. "Are you all right? You look a little pale."
"I am fine," Spock says, attempting to hide his distraction. "Have you seen Captain Kirk?"
To his relief, she nods. "Yes, I saw him upstairs. I think he was heading towards your office." She frowns and adds, "You know, it's funny, but I could have sworn you were already up there."
"Thank you," Spock replies before she can speak further. "I must go." He leaves without another word, hurrying towards the turbolift. It seems he was right about his counterpart choosing this place, and about him luring Kirk into his plans. He can only hope that his counterpart's obvious affection for Kirk will prevent him from harming him, but given his somewhat tenuous grasp on sanity, anything could happen.
He is in the turbolift when he feels it, a burst of pain and fear and betrayal. Kirk. He doesn't even question the source; he knows with everything in him that the emotions are Kirk's, and that he is in danger.
The lift arrives at the correct floor, and Spock is out, running, before the doors have fully opened. A flicker of rage briefly overlays the panic, and he vows that if his counterpart has harmed so much as a hair on Kirk's head, he will pay.
* * * * *
The meld is excruciating. Kirk throws up every barrier and shield he can think of, but he's never had to shield from Spock before, not seriously, and the alternate Spock pushes through them all as if they were no more than tissue paper.
He can feel Spock taking him over, attempting to alter his mind. Relax, Jim, Spock tells him, the words echoing in his mind. I will not harm you.
You are harming me! Kirk sends back, still fighting tooth and nail against the intrusion. He knows what Spock is trying to do; he's trying to make it so Kirk loves him instead of his Spock, and Kirk will be damned if he'll let that happen.
Why do you fight me? Spock seems genuinely confused. I only want you to be happy. He does not love you.
I don't care! I love him, and that's enough. Sensing that his message isn't getting through, Kirk tries a different tack. You claim to love your Jim so much? Well, I can tell you, if he could see you now he'd be ashamed.
The last word is imbued with all the anger and disgust Kirk can muster, and it has an immediate effect. Spock pulls out of the meld so fast that it's painful, and takes a few long steps backwards, his gaze dropping to his hand as if he can't quite believe it belongs to him. When he meets Kirk's gaze, his eyes are blank.
"You're right," he says, voice barely above a whisper. "What have I become?"
He backs into a wall and slides down it until he is sitting on the floor. "Oh, Jim, I'm sorry," he mumbles, curling into a ball. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…." The words dissolve into sobs.
It's at that moment that the door bursts open and Kirk's Spock rushes in. He skids to a halt as he takes in the scene, apparently realising that the danger has passed.
"Jim," he says. "Did he hurt you?" Kirk can see a flicker of anger cross his face as he looks at his counterpart.
Kirk hesitates, wondering whether to lie, but he must wait a fraction too long because Spock's face darkens. "What did he do to you?"
To Kirk's surprise, the other Spock responds before he has a chance to. "I melded with him in an attempt to remove his feelings for you," he says. "He made me realise how selfish and harmful my actions were." When he raises his head, his face is tracked with tears. "I do not offer any defence."
"I could kill you for what you have done," Spock says with disturbing calm.
"Yes," the alternate Spock replies dully. "Kill me. It is what I deserve."
"Hey," Kirk cuts in. "No one's killing anyone." He takes a breath and spreads his hands earnestly. "Let's just calm down, and-"
He cuts himself off as Spock suddenly goes white and wavers on his feet. "Spock?"
He steps forward as Spock steadies himself against the wall and raises a hand to his head. "Spock, what is it? What's wrong?" He glances at the other Spock, but he's staring blankly at the floor.
"My apologies," Spock replies. "It appears the adrenaline is wearing off."
"Are you okay?" Kirk asks in concern. He knows Spock, and there's no way this is just an adrenaline crash.
He's proven right when Spock's next words are, "There was an… altercation with my counterpart." His eyes slip shut briefly, one hand reaching up to rub the back of his head. "I believe I have sustained a concussion."
"Of course you have," Kirk replies, but it comes out more fond than exasperated. He shakes his head and adds, "And you thought the best way to treat it was to go running across half of San Francisco."
"You were in danger," Spock replies simply, and Kirk's heart melts.
"Come on," he says, "we'd better get you to the medical centre."
"That would be appreciated," Spock agrees. "But what about my counterpart?"
He has a point. Showing up with two Spocks would cause chaos. Kirk chews the inside of his cheek, thinking, then turns to the alternate Spock, who is still curled in a ball in the corner. "Do you still have the device you used to get here?" he asks.
Alternate Spock nods.
"Then I think it's time you left."
* * *
The universe-travelling device is surprisingly unimpressive - a black box a little larger than a communicator. According to the alternate Spock, one sets the dials, flicks the switch on the side, and steps into a transporter. Instant universe travel. Kirk has to admit that part of him wants to try it, but then he looks at his Spock and decides he has everything he needs right here.
The nearest transporter station is at the back of the main building, so they make their way there, the alternate Spock dressed in a hat and dark glasses so as to disguise him. Kirk charms the transporter tech into giving them five minutes alone, and then they are free to do what has to be done.
The alternate Spock sets the controls for the transporter, then turns the dials on his device to the correct settings before stepping onto the platform. He seems a little more stable now, but there's still a great deal of pain in his eyes. "I truly am sorry," he says. "It was never my intention to hurt you. Or your t'hy'la." His gaze flicks to Spock, then back. "I regret that I have done so."
"I know," Kirk replies. Memories of his own pain surface and he can't help but add, "For what it's worth, I think you should keep looking. Somewhere out there there's a Jim without a Spock, and he'll need you as much as you need him."
"Indeed," Alternate Spock says softly. "Thank you, Jim."
With that, he activates the transporter and disappears in a shimmer of light.
Kirk stares at the platform for a long moment, barely able to believe he's really gone. A hand touches his shoulder and he turns to see it's Spock's.
"You will miss him," Spock says quietly.
"A little," Kirk admits. "It isn't logical, I know."
"No," Spock agrees. "But it is not incomprehensible." He hesitates, and then adds quietly, "May I ask you something?"
"Of course," Kirk tells him. "Anything."
"My counterpart and his Jim Kirk. Were they lovers?"
Kirk stiffens at the question, but he can't lie to Spock. "Yes," he says quietly.
Spock nods, as if Kirk's response is what he expected. "Were we lovers?" he asks.
Kirk is silent for a moment. "Why do you ask?" he responds finally.
"He called you my t'hy'la." Spock is unusually hesitant as he continues, "Since I woke up I have felt… drawn to you more than anyone else, even my parents. And then today, when my counterpart attempted to harm you, I knew. I felt it and knew that you needed me." He stares at Kirk, head tilted. "It is true, isn't it? We were lovers, before."
Kirk tries to speak, but he can't. In the end he gives up and nods.
"Were we bonded?"
Kirk nods again.
Spock pauses briefly. "And my counterpart and his Jim Kirk. They were bonded as well?"
Kirk manages to find his voice. "Yes."
Spock nods slowly, then takes Kirk's hand and carefully laces their fingers together. "I wish to discuss this further," he says. "But right now I believe I would like to visit the medical centre."
He is worryingly pale. Kirk wraps an arm around his back, and together they begin making their way towards the medical centre.
* * * * *
An hour or so later, Spock's concussion has been treated, along with an impressive bump, and he is released with orders to spend the rest of the day resting, and ideally the next day as well.
Kirk insists that this resting be done at his apartment - or rather, their apartment. "We have a lot of catching up to do," he says, and Spock cannot find it in himself to disagree.
He finds himself watching Kirk's hands as they pilot the air-car on the journey back to the apartment, his mind conjuring up dream-memories of those hands stroking across his body, touching his most intimate places. He feels his genitals begin to stir, and turns away, firmly schooling his mind to safer topics.
A few moments later something occurs to him, and he turns back. "Did you engage in intercourse with my counterpart?" he asks.
"What?" Kirk replies, his hands clenching on the controls. "For God's sake, Spock, give me some warning before you ask questions like that!"
"I apologise," Spock replies. "It was improper of me."
"Yes, it was," Kirk replies, but he seems less tense than before. "And, for the record, the answer to your question is 'no'."
Spock nods, finding himself pleased by the answer. The idea of Kirk sharing intimacy with someone else, even another Spock, is unpleasant. "Do you wish to engage in intercourse with me?"
"Are you trying to make me crash?" Kirk demands. Spock begins to apologise, but Kirk cuts him off. "Do you… is that what you want?" he asks, tapping his fingers against the control panel.
"Yes," Spock replies honestly.
Kirk glances at him, and a smile crosses his face. It makes him look younger, Spock thinks. "Well," Kirk says, "I guess we'll have to see what happens."
They reach the apartment just then, and Kirk has to focus on parking. But his last act before he begins final manoeuvres is to, almost casually, reach out and brush Spock's hand with his own.
* * *
The desire he picks up from Kirk is quite strong, so Spock is surprised when Kirk's first action upon reaching his apartment is not to head to the bedroom, but instead to take hold of Spock's hands and bring them to his face.
"Are you certain?" Spock asks, the knowledge of his counterpart's actions still fresh in his mind.
Kirk nods firmly, his eyes wide and fixed on Spock's. "I want to feel you," he says. "It's been so long, and I've been so alone." He takes in a sharp breath and adds, "Please."
Spock might not remember much about their previous relationship, but he doubts his past self could ever have resisted Kirk when he uses that tone. He moves his hands until his fingers are resting over the meld points, and slowly, carefully, presses into Kirk's mind.
It is, at once, familiar and like nothing he has ever experienced. It is certainly nothing like melding with his counterpart, although hints of the same deep pain and grief come through, now buried under joy and relief.
Kirk's mind is chaotic, disorganised, though Spock is aware his own mind would be considered quite disorganised by Vulcan standards. He is drawn inescapably to a place of pain and damage in Kirk's mind, and discovers what must be the remains of their bond. Instinctively he moves closer and attempts to heal it. At first Kirk's mind rebels at his actions, but then seems to accept that he isn't a threat and lets him work.
It is curious to know that this damaged place in Kirk's mind is the result of a broken bond between them and yet not be able to feel the same pain in his own mind. He assumes it is one more effect of Genesis's regeneration of his body.
Kirk's side of the bond seems to recognise him, however, reaching out and curling around him as he attempts to heal it. You should stop, Kirk tells him. It's trying to form again, and I don't want to trap you.
Spock wants to respond that he would not feel trapped, but he does not yet know himself well enough to know if that is, in fact, the case. Reluctantly he pulls back, and begins exploring the rest of Kirk's mind.
Memories begin to emerge as he explores; most are Kirk's, of course, but some, Spock realises, must be his own. The first time they met, Kirk looking so young in his captain's uniform; a discussion over strategy that first showcased Kirk's brilliant mind; a landing party gone wrong that ends with Kirk in sickbay and Spock washing red, human blood from his hands. Then the memories grow more intimate; their first kiss on the observation deck, chess games abandoned halfway through for… other activities, a bonding ceremony surrounded by family and friends, the pain and loss and grief as he is torn away from his t'hy'la.
Kirk tries to shield the next set of memories, but their connection is strong and Spock sees them before he can manage it. He knew, intellectually, the lengths that Kirk and the others went to in their efforts to save him, but that is very different from experiencing it for himself. When he finally pulls out of Kirk's mind, he is surprised to find that his face is wet.
"You sacrificed so much for me," he says. "I had no idea." His counterpart's jab about not realising how lucky he is suddenly makes a great deal of sense.
"I didn't want you to know," Kirk replies. "I didn't want you to think that it wasn't worth it." Gently, he reaches up and brushes the wetness from Spock's cheeks.
Spock reaches up to cover Kirk's hands with his own, pulling out a particular phrase from the sea of memories. "I have been and always shall be yours."
Kirk smiles. "Yes."
Spock brings Kirk's hands down, rubbing his thumbs against the palms. "I… understand that it may likely take some time before you are comfortable enough to resume our previous relationship, but-"
That's as far as he gets before Kirk kisses him. "I love you," Kirk says when they break apart. "I never stopped, not for a second."
He leans in again, and all thoughts of waiting go right out of Spock's head. When Kirk begins pulling him in the direction of the bedroom, he is only too happy to oblige.
Their lovemaking is slow and tender, stripping clothes piece by piece and exploring each other's bodies as if it were the first time. In a way, Spock supposes, it is, although from what he can remember of their actual first time, 'quick and frantic' would be a better description.
Afterwards, he strokes a hand along Kirk's side as they lie facing each other, enjoying the flickers of warmth and love that pass through their contact.
"I never thought I'd have this again," Kirk tells him, smiling.
Spock allows his hand to stray down Kirk's arm and tangle their fingers together. "My memories are still somewhat scattered," he warns him. "It will be some time before they are fully restored." He swallows and adds, "I may never be the Spock you once knew."
"I don't care," Kirk replies. "You're my Spock, and that's all that matters."
He shifts forward and curls his body around Spock's. Spock wraps his arms around his back, feeling the corners of his lips turn upwards. "And you are my Jim," he replies.
Next
Pairing: Kirk/Spock, AU!Kirk/AU!Spock, slight Kirk/AU!Spock
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Weeks after the events of The Voyage Home, Spock is still piecing together his memories, unaware of the relationship that once existed between him and Kirk. Kirk, for his part, is determined to suffer in silence, but when a Spock from an alternate universe appears, still reeling from the loss of his own James Kirk, all their lives are thrown into chaos.
Words: ~6000/14900
Warnings: Consent issues
Exhausted from too many disturbed nights, Kirk manages to sleep through his alarm. When he finally wakes up, he takes one look at the clock and swears colourfully before leaping out of bed. He is supposed to attend a meeting at Starfleet headquarters about the Whale Probe disaster this morning, and, unless luck is very much on his side, he's going to be late.
He dresses in record time and rushes out of the room, and nearly runs straight into Spock. The events of last night come back to him in a rush, but he's in too much of a rush to feel awkward. "Hey," he says, as he hurries past. "Sorry, I can't stop. I have a meeting. Feel free to make yourself at home while I'm gone."
Spock follows him to the door, and it's then that Kirk notices he's carrying a cup of coffee. A rush of fondness briefly overcomes him; Spock doesn't drink coffee, so it must have been intended for him. "When will you be back?" Spock asks.
Kirk frowns as he shrugs into his jacket. "I don't know. Shouldn't be more than a few hours, I don't think, but I'll call you when I know more."
It's such a familiar scene - him rushing off for some meeting, Spock seeing him off and asking when he'll be back - that he is stepping forward for his usual goodbye kiss before reality comes crashing back in. Hastily he changes it to a friendly grip on Spock's shoulder and steps back, hoping the other man hasn't noticed his lapse. "I'll see you later."
"Indeed," Spock says.
He doesn't seem to have noticed Kirk's mistake, but it's hard to tell. Kirk stares at him for a second before turning and heading out.
* * *
He manages to be on time for the meeting, by the skin of his teeth. It goes just about as he expected - repair work is going slowly but steadily, but there's still a lot to be done.
He spies his Spock at the meeting, sitting on the other side of the table. They exchange glances, but they're too far away to speak. Once or twice Kirk looks up to find Spock watching him, an unreadable expression on his face.
Spock comes up to him afterwards, and Kirk can't help but notice how similar he is to the other Spock. If he didn't know this was his Spock he'd never be able to tell.
"Captain," Spock greets him. "How are things with my counterpart?"
Kirk suddenly flashes back to last night and it takes real effort to keep his face straight. "Fine," he says shortly. "He's back at the apartment."
"Are you sure that is wise?" Spock asks, and Kirk has a flash of irritation.
"What, do you think he's going to rob me?"
Spock frowns. "I only meant-"
"I know, Spock." Kirk sighs, feeling tired. "I'm sorry. I'm just a little tense."
"Is there anything I can do?"
You can remember that you love me, Kirk thinks, but all he says is, "No. I'll be fine."
"Can I accompany you to your apartment?" Spock asks.
Kirk shakes his head. "I'm not going home just yet - I have some errands to run first. But you're welcome to come round later."
Spock nods slowly. "I will see you later then."
Kirk nods, then hesitates briefly before reaching out and laying a hand on Spock's arm. "Later."
Spock walks away and Kirk takes a moment to send the other Spock a quick message before heading off towards the parking lot. Maybe he can make dinner tonight and repay some of the alternate Spock's kindness.
* * * * *
As Spock walks away from Kirk, his mind is abuzz. The brief conversation with Kirk has revealed two facts - that his counterpart is at Kirk's apartment, and that Kirk himself will not be there for some time. It seems this could be a perfect time for he and his counterpart to become better acquainted.
Once he has made the decision, it is relatively easy to set it into action. He takes a taxi to Kirk's apartment block, then makes his way inside and up to the fourth floor. Kirk's apartment is number 402, and Spock stares at the door for a moment before ringing the bell. It feels familiar in a way that other places he has been do not. Kirk's apartment feels like… home, and he does not understand why.
The door opens before he can figure it out. His counterpart stands there, blocking the doorway, and for a moment the two of them just stare at each other.
"Jim is not here," his counterpart says finally.
"I know," Spock replies. "I wish to speak with you."
His counterpart raises an eyebrow. "Indeed?"
"Yes," Spock says. "May I come in?"
His counterpart stares at him for a moment longer, then steps aside without a word. Spock steps past him and waits until the door has closed behind him before beginning to speak.
"I wish to know your purpose for being here," he begins bluntly.
"I believe I answered that," his counterpart replies.
"Yes," Spock says, "but I do not believe you have been entirely truthful. You know that your device works, that it can transport you to alternate realities. Logically, there is no reason for you to still be here."
His counterpart's eyes seem to gleam in response. "And that irritates you?"
"Irritation is an emotion," Spock replies. It's a rote response, instilled by the healers, and from the look his counterpart gives him is not at all convincing. He shrugs it off and continues, "Captain Kirk is my friend. I do not wish to see him hurt."
"I would never hurt him," his counterpart retorts. Anger flashes in his eyes in a decidedly un-Vulcan manner. "And you have no right to interfere in our affairs. You gave up that right when you forgot about him and left him alone. He's in pain because of you."
Spock's heart clenches in his side at the words. "He is in pain?" The idea is unpleasant, more so if what his counterpart says is true and he is the cause.
"Great pain," his counterpart replies. "I attempted to help him, but he was too focused on you to let me." His gaze is harsh, unforgiving. "If you cared about him at all, you would let him go so that he could find happiness."
Spock stares at him uncomprehendingly. "I am not keeping him from happiness," he says.
"Not on purpose," his counterpart agrees. "But that doesn't mean it isn't happening." He seems to change the subject abruptly. "He told me your memory was damaged in the chaos. Do you think it will ever return?"
"I do not know," Spock answers honestly. "Occasionally I will have flashes of memory, or one will come to me in a dream, but there is still much I cannot recall, and I am uncertain whether I ever will."
His counterpart shakes his head slowly. "And that is the crux of the issue. How can you hope to make him happy if you do not even remember what he is to you?"
Puzzled, Spock replies, "He is my friend."
"Friend," his counterpart repeats, adding an unpleasant tinge to the word. "Yes. You truly do not know how lucky you are, do you?" He turns away, picking a glass off the table, and adds quietly, "You do not deserve him."
Unexpected anger flares in Spock's chest. "Neither do you. Just because your Kirk is dead does not give you the right to come here and cast aspersions on my relationships. Or my character."
A faint smile graces the edges of his counterpart's mouth as he replies, "I would think I would be uniquely suited to discuss your character." He shifts his grip on the glass and adds, "We are almost the same, you know. When I programmed the machine I set it to seek out a universe as close to my own as possible. I have been researching since I arrived here, and indeed our two universes are identical in almost every respect."
"The divergence being that my James Kirk is alive, while yours is dead," Spock says. Something itches at the edge of his mind and he adds, "Is that the true reason why you came here? To see him?"
His counterpart narrows his eyes. "And if I did?"
"He is not yours," Spock tells him. "To use him merely as a replacement for your own James Kirk would be making him less than he is."
"He is not a 'replacement'," his counterpart replies sharply, setting down the glass with a thud. "You should not speak of things you do not understand, and that do not concern you."
"If it concerns him it does concern me," Spock counters. "And rest assured that if you attempt to harm him or persuade him into something he does not wish, I will find out, and I will stop you."
Even with his previous concerns as to the other's sanity, what happens next comes as a surprise to Spock. His counterpart darts out an arm, aiming for Spock's shoulder, and only Spock's sharp reflexes prevent him from being rendered unconscious. He knocks his counterpart's hand away, and the other Spock gives a growl of frustration. "I won't let you take him from me!" he cries, and lunges at Spock, knocking him backwards.
Spock's head hits the wall with a crack, and he knows no more.
* * * * *
"You don't deserve him!" Spock spits, before it dawns on him that his counterpart is no longer fighting him. He pulls back and watches as the other man slumps bonelessly to the ground. Unease coils in his stomach; he didn't mean to hurt his counterpart, merely keep him from ruining everything Spock has worked so hard for.
Crouching down, he presses his fingers to the other's neck and is relieved to feel a steady pulse. Just unconscious, then. Likely knocked out by the impact, and Spock has been in that situation enough times to know it won't cause any permanent damage.
His next thought is what he is going to tell Kirk. His friend has been so kind and generous to him, and Spock has repaid him with violence and injury. Kirk would be well within his rights to ask Spock to leave, or even to return to his own universe. The thought makes Spock's stomach lurch. He does not want to leave Kirk, it would be like losing him all over again.
He needs a plan. Perhaps if he could get to Kirk first, explain his side of it. Or perhaps….
His eyes fall back on the unconscious figure of his counterpart. Perhaps he can give Kirk exactly what he needs. But he'll have to keep the other Spock from interfering.
He searches his counterpart's body until he finds his communicator, then strides over to the comm and with several quick motions smashes it to pieces. That should slow him down long enough for Spock to do what he has to.
As a last action, he rolls his counterpart onto his side, just in case. He may not particularly like the man - not least due to the amount of pain he is causing to Kirk - but he does not wish him to come to harm. Then he leaves, locking the door behind him.
* * * * *
Kirk is just leaving the store when his communicator beeps. It takes a little juggling - he might have gone a little overboard on the ingredients - but he manages to dig it out and answer it. "Kirk here."
The voice that greets him is Spock's. "Captain," he says. "I must speak with you at once. Where are you?"
If Kirk had a free hand, he would rub his forehead. "Running errands, Spock. Like I told you. And if this is more stuff about your counterpart, I don't want to hear it."
"That is not why I called," Spock replies quickly. "There is something I need to show you."
Kirk sighs. "All right. I'm heading back to my apartment. I'll meet you there."
"No," Spock replies immediately. There's something to his voice - if it were anyone else Kirk would think they were nervous. "I would prefer to talk in private. Would you be willing to meet me at my office at Starfleet Academy?"
Part of Kirk wants to refuse, but he's never been able to refuse Spock anything he really wanted. And, he admits, he's a little curious. "Fine," he agrees. "I'll be there in twenty minutes."
"That would be acceptable," Spock replies. "I will see you there."
The line cuts out without a goodbye. Kirk looks longingly at the bag of ingredients, then sighs and begins making his way to his air-car.
He attempts to call home and let the alternate Spock know he'll be a little late, but Spock must be busy because there's no answer to his calls. Kirk leaves a message and tries not to be concerned by the lack of response.
He arrives at the academy a short time later, and leaves the bags in the car as he makes his way towards Spock's office. There's a deep uneasiness in his stomach as he approaches, but he pushes past it. This is Spock, after all.
The door slides open as he approaches, and he can see Spock standing near the desk, reading something on a PADD. It's such a familiar sight that he relaxes, his worries beginning to fade.
Spock looks up as Kirk enters the room. His expression doesn't change, but something flickers in his eyes. "Captain," he greets. "Thank you for agreeing to meet with me."
Kirk hears the door shut behind him and crosses his arms. "Are you going to tell me what this is about?" he asks.
Spock straightens, clasping his arms behind him in a familiar gesture. "I spoke with my counterpart," he begins, and Kirk stifles a groan.
"Give me strength," he murmurs under his breath. Then louder, to Spock, "Fine. You talked to your counterpart and he told you something so shocking that you had to drag me here under false pretences. What is it? Is he a murderer? A secret clone? A Klingon in disguise? Because I'm telling you, this had better be good."
Spock just stares at him for a moment. "Why are you so reluctant to think badly of him?"
Kirk balls his hands into fists. "We've been over this, Spock. He's alone, he's hurting, and he needs my help. He hasn't given any indication that he is a danger to me or anyone else, and until that changes I'm going to continue to give him the benefit of the doubt."
Spock's expression warms suddenly, in a way Kirk hasn't seen in… he doesn't even know how long. "You see," Spock says, almost fondly, "this is why I love you. You always see the best in people."
Kirk stares at him, unable to believe his ears. Spock just said that he loved him. This should be the happiest day of his life, but he can barely muster a smile. There's something not quite right in Spock's expression, and his instincts are starting to blare at him.
He studies Spock's face, trying to figure out what is going on, and then he sees it. A tiny scar on Spock's jaw. One that is almost unnoticeable, and easily overlooked, had Kirk not spent years mapping every scar and mark on Spock's body.
Scars and marks that were erased when his body was recreated on Genesis.
He takes a step backwards, and Spock's - Alternate Spock's - expression falls.
"You…" Kirk begins, then shakes his head firmly. "Why?" he asks. "Did you honestly think I wouldn't realise it?"
"Jim?"
But Kirk is in no mood to be placated. "Oh, don't play dumb," he snaps, hands clenching involuntarily into fists. "I was willing to forgive you the first time, but this is too far. You can't make me fall in love with you by pretending to be him, it doesn't work that way."
Spock stares at him for a few seconds, then lowers his gaze, looking tired. "You are right," he says. "And I apologise."
His tone invokes memories of the night before, and Kirk feels his anger ebb in spite of himself. "All right," he replies slowly. "I'll let it go this time, but don't think it'll happen again."
Spock shakes his head and steps forward. "No," he says. "You don't understand. I was not apologising for that, I was apologising for this."
Before Kirk can react, Spock grabs his arm with one hand, and presses the other one to his face. Kirk struggles, but he's no match for Vulcan strength.
Spock's mind enters his and he is lost.
* * * * *
When Spock comes to, he is lying on the floor of Kirk's apartment, his head pounding as if a herd of elephants is marching through it.
It takes him a few seconds to remember how he got to this point, but then it all comes back to him and he sits up abruptly. His head protests the movement quite vigorously, and he has to employ several meditative techniques to avoid either vomiting or passing out. He probes the tender area of his skull with one hand; there is a sizable lump forming, but he does not appear to be bleeding.
It is glaringly obvious that his counterpart is no longer here, and Spock's nausea increases as he thinks of where he might have gone. Spock's time-sense tells him he has only been unconscious for a few minutes, but it is enough for his counterpart to have built up a substantial head start.
Spock rises carefully to a standing position, steadying himself on the wall until he feels sure of his balance. He reaches for his communicator, intending to contact Kirk, and finds it missing. His counterpart must have taken it.
He makes his way over to the comm, but it's broken, smashed to pieces. Looking at the wreckage, it appears to have been done by hand. Spock feels a brief wave of despair. Kirk is out there, in danger, and Spock has no way of warning him.
He steadies himself against the desk and tries to think. All indications are that he and his counterpart are virtually identical, so it should not be difficult to follow his thought patterns. If he, Spock, needed a place to go, and he couldn't go home, where would he go?
I would go to the academy.
It isn't much to go on, but it's better than nothing. Pushing all discomfort to the back of his mind, he hurries out of the apartment. His counterpart may have a head start, but if Spock is lucky, he can still get there in time to stop him.
* * *
The journey to the academy takes fifteen minutes. Spock knows, logically, that there is no way he could have got there faster, but the delay still makes him restless.
Once there, he heads straight for the building that houses his office. It is the logical place to go, but his decision is not based on logic. It feels almost as if he is being drawn there.
In his hurry, he nearly runs into a woman in dark clothes leaving the building. "Captain Spock!" she exclaims. "Are you all right? You look a little pale."
"I am fine," Spock says, attempting to hide his distraction. "Have you seen Captain Kirk?"
To his relief, she nods. "Yes, I saw him upstairs. I think he was heading towards your office." She frowns and adds, "You know, it's funny, but I could have sworn you were already up there."
"Thank you," Spock replies before she can speak further. "I must go." He leaves without another word, hurrying towards the turbolift. It seems he was right about his counterpart choosing this place, and about him luring Kirk into his plans. He can only hope that his counterpart's obvious affection for Kirk will prevent him from harming him, but given his somewhat tenuous grasp on sanity, anything could happen.
He is in the turbolift when he feels it, a burst of pain and fear and betrayal. Kirk. He doesn't even question the source; he knows with everything in him that the emotions are Kirk's, and that he is in danger.
The lift arrives at the correct floor, and Spock is out, running, before the doors have fully opened. A flicker of rage briefly overlays the panic, and he vows that if his counterpart has harmed so much as a hair on Kirk's head, he will pay.
* * * * *
The meld is excruciating. Kirk throws up every barrier and shield he can think of, but he's never had to shield from Spock before, not seriously, and the alternate Spock pushes through them all as if they were no more than tissue paper.
He can feel Spock taking him over, attempting to alter his mind. Relax, Jim, Spock tells him, the words echoing in his mind. I will not harm you.
You are harming me! Kirk sends back, still fighting tooth and nail against the intrusion. He knows what Spock is trying to do; he's trying to make it so Kirk loves him instead of his Spock, and Kirk will be damned if he'll let that happen.
Why do you fight me? Spock seems genuinely confused. I only want you to be happy. He does not love you.
I don't care! I love him, and that's enough. Sensing that his message isn't getting through, Kirk tries a different tack. You claim to love your Jim so much? Well, I can tell you, if he could see you now he'd be ashamed.
The last word is imbued with all the anger and disgust Kirk can muster, and it has an immediate effect. Spock pulls out of the meld so fast that it's painful, and takes a few long steps backwards, his gaze dropping to his hand as if he can't quite believe it belongs to him. When he meets Kirk's gaze, his eyes are blank.
"You're right," he says, voice barely above a whisper. "What have I become?"
He backs into a wall and slides down it until he is sitting on the floor. "Oh, Jim, I'm sorry," he mumbles, curling into a ball. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…." The words dissolve into sobs.
It's at that moment that the door bursts open and Kirk's Spock rushes in. He skids to a halt as he takes in the scene, apparently realising that the danger has passed.
"Jim," he says. "Did he hurt you?" Kirk can see a flicker of anger cross his face as he looks at his counterpart.
Kirk hesitates, wondering whether to lie, but he must wait a fraction too long because Spock's face darkens. "What did he do to you?"
To Kirk's surprise, the other Spock responds before he has a chance to. "I melded with him in an attempt to remove his feelings for you," he says. "He made me realise how selfish and harmful my actions were." When he raises his head, his face is tracked with tears. "I do not offer any defence."
"I could kill you for what you have done," Spock says with disturbing calm.
"Yes," the alternate Spock replies dully. "Kill me. It is what I deserve."
"Hey," Kirk cuts in. "No one's killing anyone." He takes a breath and spreads his hands earnestly. "Let's just calm down, and-"
He cuts himself off as Spock suddenly goes white and wavers on his feet. "Spock?"
He steps forward as Spock steadies himself against the wall and raises a hand to his head. "Spock, what is it? What's wrong?" He glances at the other Spock, but he's staring blankly at the floor.
"My apologies," Spock replies. "It appears the adrenaline is wearing off."
"Are you okay?" Kirk asks in concern. He knows Spock, and there's no way this is just an adrenaline crash.
He's proven right when Spock's next words are, "There was an… altercation with my counterpart." His eyes slip shut briefly, one hand reaching up to rub the back of his head. "I believe I have sustained a concussion."
"Of course you have," Kirk replies, but it comes out more fond than exasperated. He shakes his head and adds, "And you thought the best way to treat it was to go running across half of San Francisco."
"You were in danger," Spock replies simply, and Kirk's heart melts.
"Come on," he says, "we'd better get you to the medical centre."
"That would be appreciated," Spock agrees. "But what about my counterpart?"
He has a point. Showing up with two Spocks would cause chaos. Kirk chews the inside of his cheek, thinking, then turns to the alternate Spock, who is still curled in a ball in the corner. "Do you still have the device you used to get here?" he asks.
Alternate Spock nods.
"Then I think it's time you left."
* * *
The universe-travelling device is surprisingly unimpressive - a black box a little larger than a communicator. According to the alternate Spock, one sets the dials, flicks the switch on the side, and steps into a transporter. Instant universe travel. Kirk has to admit that part of him wants to try it, but then he looks at his Spock and decides he has everything he needs right here.
The nearest transporter station is at the back of the main building, so they make their way there, the alternate Spock dressed in a hat and dark glasses so as to disguise him. Kirk charms the transporter tech into giving them five minutes alone, and then they are free to do what has to be done.
The alternate Spock sets the controls for the transporter, then turns the dials on his device to the correct settings before stepping onto the platform. He seems a little more stable now, but there's still a great deal of pain in his eyes. "I truly am sorry," he says. "It was never my intention to hurt you. Or your t'hy'la." His gaze flicks to Spock, then back. "I regret that I have done so."
"I know," Kirk replies. Memories of his own pain surface and he can't help but add, "For what it's worth, I think you should keep looking. Somewhere out there there's a Jim without a Spock, and he'll need you as much as you need him."
"Indeed," Alternate Spock says softly. "Thank you, Jim."
With that, he activates the transporter and disappears in a shimmer of light.
Kirk stares at the platform for a long moment, barely able to believe he's really gone. A hand touches his shoulder and he turns to see it's Spock's.
"You will miss him," Spock says quietly.
"A little," Kirk admits. "It isn't logical, I know."
"No," Spock agrees. "But it is not incomprehensible." He hesitates, and then adds quietly, "May I ask you something?"
"Of course," Kirk tells him. "Anything."
"My counterpart and his Jim Kirk. Were they lovers?"
Kirk stiffens at the question, but he can't lie to Spock. "Yes," he says quietly.
Spock nods, as if Kirk's response is what he expected. "Were we lovers?" he asks.
Kirk is silent for a moment. "Why do you ask?" he responds finally.
"He called you my t'hy'la." Spock is unusually hesitant as he continues, "Since I woke up I have felt… drawn to you more than anyone else, even my parents. And then today, when my counterpart attempted to harm you, I knew. I felt it and knew that you needed me." He stares at Kirk, head tilted. "It is true, isn't it? We were lovers, before."
Kirk tries to speak, but he can't. In the end he gives up and nods.
"Were we bonded?"
Kirk nods again.
Spock pauses briefly. "And my counterpart and his Jim Kirk. They were bonded as well?"
Kirk manages to find his voice. "Yes."
Spock nods slowly, then takes Kirk's hand and carefully laces their fingers together. "I wish to discuss this further," he says. "But right now I believe I would like to visit the medical centre."
He is worryingly pale. Kirk wraps an arm around his back, and together they begin making their way towards the medical centre.
* * * * *
An hour or so later, Spock's concussion has been treated, along with an impressive bump, and he is released with orders to spend the rest of the day resting, and ideally the next day as well.
Kirk insists that this resting be done at his apartment - or rather, their apartment. "We have a lot of catching up to do," he says, and Spock cannot find it in himself to disagree.
He finds himself watching Kirk's hands as they pilot the air-car on the journey back to the apartment, his mind conjuring up dream-memories of those hands stroking across his body, touching his most intimate places. He feels his genitals begin to stir, and turns away, firmly schooling his mind to safer topics.
A few moments later something occurs to him, and he turns back. "Did you engage in intercourse with my counterpart?" he asks.
"What?" Kirk replies, his hands clenching on the controls. "For God's sake, Spock, give me some warning before you ask questions like that!"
"I apologise," Spock replies. "It was improper of me."
"Yes, it was," Kirk replies, but he seems less tense than before. "And, for the record, the answer to your question is 'no'."
Spock nods, finding himself pleased by the answer. The idea of Kirk sharing intimacy with someone else, even another Spock, is unpleasant. "Do you wish to engage in intercourse with me?"
"Are you trying to make me crash?" Kirk demands. Spock begins to apologise, but Kirk cuts him off. "Do you… is that what you want?" he asks, tapping his fingers against the control panel.
"Yes," Spock replies honestly.
Kirk glances at him, and a smile crosses his face. It makes him look younger, Spock thinks. "Well," Kirk says, "I guess we'll have to see what happens."
They reach the apartment just then, and Kirk has to focus on parking. But his last act before he begins final manoeuvres is to, almost casually, reach out and brush Spock's hand with his own.
* * *
The desire he picks up from Kirk is quite strong, so Spock is surprised when Kirk's first action upon reaching his apartment is not to head to the bedroom, but instead to take hold of Spock's hands and bring them to his face.
"Are you certain?" Spock asks, the knowledge of his counterpart's actions still fresh in his mind.
Kirk nods firmly, his eyes wide and fixed on Spock's. "I want to feel you," he says. "It's been so long, and I've been so alone." He takes in a sharp breath and adds, "Please."
Spock might not remember much about their previous relationship, but he doubts his past self could ever have resisted Kirk when he uses that tone. He moves his hands until his fingers are resting over the meld points, and slowly, carefully, presses into Kirk's mind.
It is, at once, familiar and like nothing he has ever experienced. It is certainly nothing like melding with his counterpart, although hints of the same deep pain and grief come through, now buried under joy and relief.
Kirk's mind is chaotic, disorganised, though Spock is aware his own mind would be considered quite disorganised by Vulcan standards. He is drawn inescapably to a place of pain and damage in Kirk's mind, and discovers what must be the remains of their bond. Instinctively he moves closer and attempts to heal it. At first Kirk's mind rebels at his actions, but then seems to accept that he isn't a threat and lets him work.
It is curious to know that this damaged place in Kirk's mind is the result of a broken bond between them and yet not be able to feel the same pain in his own mind. He assumes it is one more effect of Genesis's regeneration of his body.
Kirk's side of the bond seems to recognise him, however, reaching out and curling around him as he attempts to heal it. You should stop, Kirk tells him. It's trying to form again, and I don't want to trap you.
Spock wants to respond that he would not feel trapped, but he does not yet know himself well enough to know if that is, in fact, the case. Reluctantly he pulls back, and begins exploring the rest of Kirk's mind.
Memories begin to emerge as he explores; most are Kirk's, of course, but some, Spock realises, must be his own. The first time they met, Kirk looking so young in his captain's uniform; a discussion over strategy that first showcased Kirk's brilliant mind; a landing party gone wrong that ends with Kirk in sickbay and Spock washing red, human blood from his hands. Then the memories grow more intimate; their first kiss on the observation deck, chess games abandoned halfway through for… other activities, a bonding ceremony surrounded by family and friends, the pain and loss and grief as he is torn away from his t'hy'la.
Kirk tries to shield the next set of memories, but their connection is strong and Spock sees them before he can manage it. He knew, intellectually, the lengths that Kirk and the others went to in their efforts to save him, but that is very different from experiencing it for himself. When he finally pulls out of Kirk's mind, he is surprised to find that his face is wet.
"You sacrificed so much for me," he says. "I had no idea." His counterpart's jab about not realising how lucky he is suddenly makes a great deal of sense.
"I didn't want you to know," Kirk replies. "I didn't want you to think that it wasn't worth it." Gently, he reaches up and brushes the wetness from Spock's cheeks.
Spock reaches up to cover Kirk's hands with his own, pulling out a particular phrase from the sea of memories. "I have been and always shall be yours."
Kirk smiles. "Yes."
Spock brings Kirk's hands down, rubbing his thumbs against the palms. "I… understand that it may likely take some time before you are comfortable enough to resume our previous relationship, but-"
That's as far as he gets before Kirk kisses him. "I love you," Kirk says when they break apart. "I never stopped, not for a second."
He leans in again, and all thoughts of waiting go right out of Spock's head. When Kirk begins pulling him in the direction of the bedroom, he is only too happy to oblige.
Their lovemaking is slow and tender, stripping clothes piece by piece and exploring each other's bodies as if it were the first time. In a way, Spock supposes, it is, although from what he can remember of their actual first time, 'quick and frantic' would be a better description.
Afterwards, he strokes a hand along Kirk's side as they lie facing each other, enjoying the flickers of warmth and love that pass through their contact.
"I never thought I'd have this again," Kirk tells him, smiling.
Spock allows his hand to stray down Kirk's arm and tangle their fingers together. "My memories are still somewhat scattered," he warns him. "It will be some time before they are fully restored." He swallows and adds, "I may never be the Spock you once knew."
"I don't care," Kirk replies. "You're my Spock, and that's all that matters."
He shifts forward and curls his body around Spock's. Spock wraps his arms around his back, feeling the corners of his lips turn upwards. "And you are my Jim," he replies.
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