Change My World - Chapter 4
Chapter 4
What’s so weird about this, Dean thinks, is how incredibly right it feels. He’d always imagined that if, by some miracle, something did end up happening with Cas it would be kind of awkward at first, but… but this is what he was born to do.
Dean loves the way Castiel grabs the lapels of his jacket to pull him closer. He loves the little noises Cas makes, almost like he’s surprised, like he didn’t know it was possible to feel like this. Dean’s hands make their way under the angel’s trenchcoat, and then under his jacket. Cas wears far too many clothes in Dean’s opinion. Dean’s never been kissed like this before. Everything else had been so… materialistic. It’s the first time someone has kissed him, and not just his body. It makes Dean feel weak at the knees. God, he’d do anything for Cas right now. He wants to take him right then and there in the alley, because damn it, he just can’t get close enough right now. But he won’t. Because somewhere in the fog of lust that’s clouding his mind is the knowledge that Castiel has never done this before, and Dean isn’t going to let his first time happen next to a garbage can.
“Come on,” Dean says hoarsely, pulling away reluctantly.
“What?” Cas says, dazed.
“Come on.” Dean grabs hold of his hand and pulls him along, almost roughly, back in the direction of the houses. Castiel follows without complaint. Their footsteps echo loudly, and Dean is sure that he can hear his own heartbeat. Cas is holding onto his hand tightly, and it’s weird how right that feels as well, because sex is one thing but Dean never saw himself holding hands with another dude. Or anyone, for that matter.
Dean leads the way to a nice-looking place with a blue front door, which he unceremoniously kicks in. He pulls Cas inside and leads him up the staircase as if for all the world he knows exactly where he’s going. And hey, this is his world, so perhaps he does. It’s dark, but Dean can tell that the house is nice. He hopes that it’s good enough. He leads the way to the front of the house where he knows the master bedroom would be, and then turns to face Castiel for the first time since the alley; he’s still looking slightly dazed, and he’s staring at the bed like he can’t see anything else.
“Hey.” Dean squeezes Cas’s hand gently, and the angel blinks and looks at him questioningly. “You okay?”
“Yes, I… This is just… unexpected.”
“I know. But… it is what you want, isn’t it?”
Castiel thinks for a moment. “Yes. It’s what I’ve wanted for a long time; I just didn’t know it.”
Dean is still holding the angel’s hand, and he gently pulls him close again. Castiel is looking at him so intently, and he leans in slowly so that Dean has to close his eyes because it’s just too overwhelming. He feels Castiel’s breath ghost over the skin on his neck, and he shivers with desire.
“Dean?”
“…Yeah?”
“You can do whatever you want to me.”
Dean can feel the blood pumping through his veins now; he doesn’t think he’s ever felt so aware of being alive before. He kisses Cas again, on his throat, his eyes, his lips, slipping out of his own jacket. Castiel tries to do the same, but he gets caught up in his sleeves, and Dean has to help him untie himself.
“You know, maybe you should let me do that,” Dean says.
Castiel nods, and Dean can tell that he’s nervous.
“Hey.” Dean carefully undoes the angel’s tie and slips it off. “It’s okay. I know what I’m doing.” That’s not strictly true, but Dean knows that confidence counts for a lot in situations like this.
Castiel’s hands find their way underneath Dean’s shirt, and cold fingers trace patterns on his stomach, making him shiver. “Do you want me to lie down?” He asks unsteadily.
“Sit.” Dean gently pushes him over to the bed and makes him sit down, before kneeling at his feet to untie his shoes. Castiel softly touches his cheek as he does this, and Dean smiles and turns his head slightly to kiss the angel’s palm. He loves that Cas actually makes him feel special. And not just because he’s supposed to be Michael’s vessel, but because of who he is in himself. Dean doesn’t think anyone’s done that before. “You okay?” Dean asks, looking up.
Cas swallows. “Yes. I’m just… This isn’t something I ever thought…”
“I know. It’s okay.” Dean puts a hand on his chest, pushing him back onto the bed. He realises, perhaps for the first time, what a huge deal this is. It’s one thing to lose your virginity, it’s quite another to do so after waiting for millions of years. Dean had been pretty nervous after waiting just fifteen. He doesn’t often think about how long Cas has been around, just because it’s too mind-boggling. The creature lying in Dean’s arms existed when the earth was born, he saw Lucifer fall, he’s watched men and women be born, fight, love, grieve and die time and time again. And now he’s here, looking up at Dean like a frightened child.
“You know, we don’t have to do this,” Dean says, even though he thinks he might die if they don’t.
“No!” Castiel replied quickly, grabbing hold of Dean’s arm. “No, don’t stop.”
When they kiss again, it’s with the same urgency that they had before. Castiel’s fingers are fumbling with the buttons on Dean’s shirt; his eyes are wide and dark, and there’s desperation in the way his fingers dig into the flesh on Dean’s arms. He runs his hands over the skin of Dean’s back, and Dean knows that he’s learning to touch, learning to feel like humans can, and it’s so amazing that Dean’s allowed to be a part of that that it almost makes him want to cry.
Castiel’s mouth is so hot and wet, and Dean doesn’t miss the quiet noises of pleasure he makes as Dean’s hands travel over his chest and stomach and lower, lower, until he sucks his breath in sharply and his fingers tighten around Dean’s arm reflexively. Dean notices the look of surprise on the angel’s face as his body starts to respond to Dean’s touch, and he laughs breathlessly. “It’s okay; you know that’s supposed to happen, right?”
“I… I know. It just feels strange.”
“You mean you’ve never even…? Wow. I really am going to have to show you everything, aren’t I? Don’t worry, okay? Just… just don’t think. This isn’t about thinking.”
“No thinking,” Cas whispers.
And that’s when something clicks between them. It’s like everything that’s been building between them over the past year and a half just takes over, and now Dean couldn’t stop even if he wanted to. He’s feeling slightly desperate himself now, like it won’t be possible to get close enough, like he wants to fall into Castiel so there’s nothing of him left, so that Castiel can take everything that’s broken and dirty and painful in him and make it clean again. Because he thinks that Cas is the only one who can save him.
The rest of their clothes are just things that are in the way now. Dean is going crazy from not being able to touch all of Cas at once; his desire has reached such a point that it’s almost painful.
He loves what this is doing to Cas. It’s incredible that Dean can do this, that he can make Castiel come undone like this. That he can take this strange being who’s so innocent and reserved and poised, and make him tremble and moan with desire. Dean doesn’t think he’s ever done anything so honest as this before and, strange as it sounds, so pure.
Dean fumbles for the bedside table where he finds condoms and a bottle of oil. This is definitely his favourite world. He moves in to kiss Castiel hard on the mouth, biting his lips possessively, loving how Cas arches his back and whimpers softly as Dean slowly pushes a finger inside him. He kisses the length of Castiel’s neck, and he can feel how the angel’s pulse is quickening. It’s so easy to forget that Cas isn’t human. Damn, he tastes good, and his body feels so good, and Dean doesn’t think he’s ever been this turned on before. He swirls his tongue wetly on the angel’s hot skin, sucking it into his mouth, loving the thought that Castiel would let Dean brand him like that. Cas pulls him even closer, whispering his name, and Dean can hear the urgency in his voice. And hell, Dean knows, because he needs it too.
When Dean finally pushes inside Castiel it takes his breath away. He has to stay still for a moment because his head feels kind of like it’s going to explode. Cas’s nails are digging into Dean’s back so hard that it hurts; he wraps his legs around Dean’s waist and pulls him even closer. He looks so perfect like this, his head thrown back, his lips slightly parted, and Dean still can’t believe that he’s allowed to do this, and that Cas has trusted him like this with his body. For the first time Dean is acutely aware of being inside another person. Castiel looks up at him, and there’s so much trust and affection in his eyes that it makes Dean feel weak.
They start to move together, and Dean can’t even tell where he ends and Castiel begins. Everything is tight liquid heat, and it’s almost too much. Cas clutches at the bed sheets, and Dean has to close his eyes because just looking at him makes him want to come. He thrusts slow and hard, loving how Cas moans every time Dean pushes into him, and Dean’s whispering all these ridiculously romantic things that he really hopes Cas doesn’t remind him of later, and he could die right now, like this, and it would be perfect.
Dean props himself up slightly and reaches down between their bodies to touch his lover where he’s hard and aching and full of need. Castiel cries out wildly and throws his head back against the pillow again, biting his lip hard as Dean caresses him expertly. It feels like everything’s shaking, falling apart around them, and all that’s left is the two of them and the heat that’s building between them that’s threatening to consume Dean alive, and he might just let it.
Just as Dean’s starting to think that he might really melt into Castiel, he feels the angel grow tense from head to toe. “Dean…” he whispers, sounding almost afraid.
“It’s okay,” Dean says hoarsely. “It’s… just go with it. Just let it happen.”
Their bodies are slick with sweat. Dean feels almost afraid, and he grabs hold of Castiel’s hand so tightly. His ears are ringing, and he doesn’t think he’s ever going to recover from this if it doesn’t kill him. He can feel every fluctuation of Cas’s body, and it’s driving him out of his mind. Cas grabs his hand right back, pulls him close, crying out wildly and arching against him, his heels digging into the top of Dean’s thighs as Dean makes him come for the first time. And that had been it.
When it hits, Dean is able to feel his orgasm through his entire body. He drives himself as deeply as possible into his lover, biting into his shoulder to muffle his hoarse cries, hardly able to endure the sensations but not wanting them to end.
Cas doesn’t let him go afterwards. He holds onto Dean tightly like he might disappear if he doesn’t, and Dean dozes in his arms, his head resting on Castiel’s shoulder, kind of feeling like he wants to cry but not really having the energy. His body is tingling. When he feels like he can move again, he slowly pulls away from Cas, prompting a soft noise of protest from the angel.
“It’s okay,” Dean whispers. “I’m not going anywhere.” He pulls the bed sheets over them and gathers Castiel up in his arms. He feels drained, and possibly better than he’s ever felt in his life. They’re so perfect together. “Stay here with me,” he breathes. “Don’t leave me, Cas.”
He would have thought that Castiel was asleep if he hadn’t known that, well, Cas never did that. Eventually, he feels the angel nod slowly, and now he can relax. Dean slowly runs a hand down the side of his lover’s body, so much naked flesh that’s now his and his alone to touch, and surrenders himself to sleep.
~*~
Dean is dreaming about Hell again. It happens more often than he’d care to admit, and certainly more often than he’s told Sam. It’s dark and there are unspeakable things crawling everywhere around him. Dean is waiting, and he knows what he’s waiting for this time, and it makes him feel sick with loathing and terror. He can’t move. His flesh is nailed down, and there’s something creeping around him, and Dean knows that if it touches him he’ll go insane with horror. He can’t remember what daylight looks like. He can barely remember how to talk.
He’s waiting for Allistair, and he knows what he’s going to do to him when he turns up. He knows that the waiting is part of it. Dean’s crying, even though he learned a long time ago that there’s no point. He knows that what Allistair is going to do to him will rip him apart again.
And then there’s a light. Dean is unused to light, and it scares him because he thinks that it’s something else that Hell has devised to torment him. And perhaps he deserves it. It’s getting brighter and brighter, and Dean wants to close his eyes because whatever it is that’s coming, he doesn’t think he wants to see it. But then he notices something. The things in the darkness are… screaming. They’re struggling to escape. They’re terrified. What could terrify the beasts of hell? Dean can’t look away now. It’s getting brighter and brighter, and now Dean can make out a figure in the midst of the light. And it’s… beautiful. Dean had forgotten that word. The creature alights in from of him, and Dean can’t tell whether it’s male or female, but it’s the loveliest thing he’s ever seen, and he feels something that he’s long forgotten. He feels hope. And then the creature of light speaks his name. Dean.
There is a terrible cry of rage, and Dean turns his head to see Allistair, illuminated by the creature’s luminescence, his eyes wild with horror and rage. You cannot be here! He screams. You-
But he doesn’t get any further because the creature of light shoots some kind of… white fire at him, and he falls back, howling.
Come, the creature says, and he lays a hand on Dean’s arm. Dean knows he should be afraid, but he’s had enough of fear. He’s pulled upwards, torn away from his bonds, no longer caring that it hurts or that he doesn’t know what’s happening. They’re moving upwards so quickly that Dean is afraid that that alone is going to make him fall apart, but the creature won’t let go of him. He knows this. And then something strange happens: the creature of light pulls him close, and Dean is suddenly free from all pain. He’d forgotten what it was like. He knows that the light should hurt him but it doesn’t, and the longer he looks into it, the more pieces of himself start to come back. He remembers teaching Sam to shoot his first gun, and the taste of cold beer on a hot day, and the feeling he got in his stomach when he was driving so fast it felt like he was flying. He remembers Mom’s perfume and the time Dad took them to see Niagra Falls for a treat, and Bobby’s coffee, and Metallica, and hot showers and putting Nair in Sam’s shampoo and kissing and magicfingersandcheeseburgersandfixingenginesandsunsets…
Dean, the creature says again.
And Suddenly Dean knows who it is. He can see him now. Castiel.
~*~
When Dean wakes up, the first thing he notices is how cold the room is. He opens his eyes and sees Castiel sitting next to him, his legs curled up, chin resting on his knees.
“Hey,” Dean says. “You okay, Cas?”
Castiel looks down at Dean and gives him one of those rare genuine smiles. “Yes. I was just thinking. And watching you sleep.”
That will only ever not be creepy when Cas says it.
“What the hell is up with this house?” Dean says. “It’s free-” He doesn’t finish because now he’s sat up too he knows exactly why it’s so cold. All the bedroom windows are smashed. And so is the mirror above the dresser. And the perfume bottles. And the picture frames on the wall. “What the fuck? It… it wasn’t like this last night, was it?”
“No.”
“What the hell happened?”
Castiel looks momentarily abashed. “I… lost control.”
Dean stares at him. “You mean that you… when we were… Wow. You know, I didn’t even notice. Well, I’ll tell you one thing, Cas: we are definitely not doing it in my car next time.”
The angel looks at him curiously. “Next time?”
Dean feels his insides shrivel up a bit. This had never occurred to him, that Cas had seen this as a one-time deal. His mind flickers back to all the girls who had given him their numbers after they’d spent the night together, and how Dean had promised to call. He supposes that this is karma.
“Dean, is this what you want?”
“I… I mean… if you only wanted to… I mean, I’m not exactly known for… so if you just…”
“Dean.”
“Yes. Yes, this is what I want. With you.”
Castiel smiles slowly. “I hoped you did.”
“You didn’t know?”
“I wanted you to say it.”
“Bastard.”
Dean leans in, almost shyly, and Cas is watching him, still with that soft smile, waiting.
“Cas, you’re freezing,” Dean whispers against his lips.
“I… hadn’t really noticed.”
“C’mere.” Dean pulls Cas back down and wraps them both up in the duvet. This is so intimate, the two of them lying there, legs tangled together, so unselfconscious of the fact that they’re both naked. Like it’s not something new for them, like it’s how they should have been all along.
“What were you thinking about?” Dean asks.
Cas is quiet for a moment. “I still don’t understand what’s happened to me. I… Dean, for thousands upon thousands of years everything was so clear. Black and white. I watched as the world was made, and it was Good, because my father had made it. I watched as Lucifer fell, and that was Bad, because he was opposing God and that was just… unimaginable to me. I couldn’t think of a greater crime. I watched it all, and I felt nothing. It never occurred to me that I was lonely. I didn’t even know what loneliness was until…”
“What?”
“Until you showed me what it isn’t. Dean, you were just supposed to be another mission. I pulled you from Hell because it was for the greater good, and I never thought…” He laughs softly. “I suppose I was arrogant. I didn’t think I had anything left to learn. But then you happened, and you were the single most frustrating creature I had ever encountered, and you didn’t understand what I wanted from you, and you fought everything, even though you were stupid to fight, because you cared so terribly much. I couldn’t imagine that kind of strength, and… Dean, do you know how terrifying it is to begin to question the things you have blindly believed in since the beginning of time? I was so angry with you for doing that to me, and part of me wished that I could go back, but… but you drew me in. And I started to care too. I started to feel. It scared me. I wasn’t supposed to question things; that was a human curse. Angels were supposed to be above it. And then, after this body was no longer shared with another, I… I started to want things. For myself. I started to want you. I didn’t understand how I wanted you at first, but… but I couldn’t leave you. I knew I would follow you until the end, whatever that might be. I started to feel like… Dean, do you remember in Spongebob Squarepants where Patrick says that when Spongebob isn’t around, all he does is wait for him to come back? Well, that’s how it got for me. Time was… divided into time spent with you and time spent alone, and all I could think when I was alone was how much I was looking forward to the next time I could be with you. Dean, I’d held your soul in my hands, I’d pieced you back together, and you weren’t perfect, but that’s exactly why I… why I… And you couldn’t see how beautiful you were. You couldn’t understand how you could never let me down. Not really. As long as you continued to believe. As long as you didn’t end up as I once was. Your soul was… it was more precious to me than anything else. And it hurt me that you had been so ready to throw it away.”
“My soul.” Dean pulls the angel close. He’s never heard Cas say so much at once.
“Yes. And… and your physical manifestation is visually pleasing also.”
“Mm. I love it when you talk dirty to me.”
“I don’t understand.”
Dean laughs. He feels younger than he has in years. “Don’t worry about it. I find your physical manifestation visually pleasing too.” He runs his hand over the skin on Castiel’s back. Touching someone has never been this addictive before.
“What happened last night…”
“Yeah?”
“That was something else I’d never understood. I saw how humans would crave physical union with each other. I saw how they would put themselves in danger, hurt themselves, hurt others, even kill. And all for a brief moment of pleasure. It seemed so… trivial.”
“I hope you have a point.”
“Dean… last night was… I understand it now. I understand why people would risk all they have for a moment like that. What you showed me was… I didn’t know it was possible to feel like that. I didn’t know this body could do that. It was… Dean?”
“Yeah.”
“Show me again.”
This time, they make the whole bed fall apart.
~*~
Getting out of bed had been difficult. The only reason that Dean had made himself do it was the fact that he hadn’t eaten since the island of sexy Amazons, and he was ravenous. There were always shops of some kind near to areas like this, and Dean figured that he’d go find somewhere that sold food and have himself a little raid.
He’s still surprised by how easy it is to walk along holding hands with Castiel. Dean’s never been a terribly tactile person, but there’s something about Cas that makes him feel protective and in need of comfort all at the same time. It’s weird. Perhaps it’s because the angel always looks so lost. Perhaps it’s because he’s the only one who’s ever been able to save Dean.
The sun is taking the edge off the chill in the air, and they walk slowly in silence. Dean still can’t get over what happened. It’s changed everything forever, and that should be scary, but somehow he feels stronger now that he ever has. It’s a big deal, though. Having this much to lose.
“I dreamt about you last night,” Dean says eventually, his voice sounding strange in the absolute stillness. He doesn’t look, but he knows Cas is watching him. “I dreamt about what happened when you came to Hell for me. I never remembered that bit before.” No answer. “You… I always wanted to know what you actually look like. It was nice to find out without the whole flaming eyeball thing. I think that would’ve put a strain on our relationship. You… you were…” Dean can’t find any words that don’t sound stupid, so he stops trying. He sighs awkwardly. “Do… do you know the things that happened to me there? I don’t just mean what I did. Do you know what Alastair-”
Castiel’s hand tightens reflexively around his, and it hurts. He looks at the angel for the first time, and sees that he’s got that dark look in his eyes that always makes Dean feel a little bit scared of him in spite of himself. “I should have eviscerated him then and there while I had the chance,” he says.
“Don’t be… look, that was then, okay? I guess I’m just trying to say… thank you. I don’t know if I ever said it properly before, but…”
Cas looks at him, and neither of them needs to say anything else.
~*~
After wandering through the deserted streets for about half-an-hour, Dean hits jackpot. And it comes in the form of a store called ‘Miss Millie’s Pie Shop’. It’s official: he loves this world.
“You know,” Dean says as he helps himself to what looks like a particularly delicious cherry pie. “You know, we could just stay here. You and me.”
He says it lightly enough, but Cas immediately knows that he’s not joking. “Dean…”
“Dude, this is delicious. Try some.”
“Dean, you know we can’t.”
“Oh, come on, it’d be great.” Dean says, still trying to keep things light. “I mean… this is sweet. We’ve got the whole place to ourselves. It would be like… I mean, we could do whatever we wanted. And it wouldn’t matter anymore what we are, that you’re an angel and I’m a hunter who’s been… chosen or whatever. We could just be us.”
Castiel sighs. “Dean, you know we can’t. You are needed back in your world. Sam needs you.”
Dean feels a spasm of guilt when he thinks of Sam. He glances up at Cas and can’t suppress a smile. “Dude, you have cherry sauce on your face. Come here.” Dean leans in and kisses it away. “See?” he says quietly. “It could be like this. All the time.”
The angel looks at him sadly. “Dean, don’t make me do this. Don’t make me be the one who always has to spoil things. There is nothing I wouldn’t give to keep you safe and happy, and to lift this burden from your shoulders. But staying here is not the answer. And you know it.”
“Yeah,” Dean replies heavily. “Yeah, I know. It’s a nice dream, though.”
“Yes.”
“Cas? Will you… If we go back, will you be with me? Will you stay?”
“Until the end. I told you.”
“And Sam really needs me? And… and Bobby?”
“Yes. Dean, didn’t you see what happened to them when you were in Hell? You are what holds them together. They cannot win this fight on their own.”
Dean is about to say that he wishes he could have a normal life, but he checks himself. Normal life would be safe, but wouldn’t involve the people he’s come to love over the years, and it certainly wouldn’t involve Castiel. However painful it is, however many nightmares he has to live through, this life is his, and there are things in it that he couldn’t bear to lose.
“We have to go home, don’t we?”
“It’s time.”
“Don’t you wish-”
“You know I do.”
“Yeah, me too.” Dean gets to his feet, and pulls Cas up with him. “It won’t be easy.”
“It never is. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t fight for it.” Castiel smiles. “You taught me that.”
“So I just…”
“You just have to want it.”
“And you’ll be with me?”
“I told you.”
Dean can feel some of his old fight returning, like he’s a soldier who’s been too long from the field. He kisses Castiel again, gently, chastely almost. And the air is filled with the sound of beating wings.
~*~
“Dean? Dean!”
“Cas?”
“Dean, can you hear me?”
“…Sammy?”
Dean opens his eyes to see Sam leaning over him. “Dude, is it really you?”
“What? Of course it is!” Sam’s worried - his face is doing that weird twitchy thing.
Dean sits up; he kind of feels like he’s been hit by a truck. He sees that they’re at Bobby’s. “Where’s Cas?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t seen him in days. Dude, are you feeling okay?”
“Huh? Oh, yeah. I’m fine, Sammy. Look, I’m sorry I went away, okay? I don’t know how I did it exactly, but… I think I must have got caught up in some kind of astral glitch or something.” This is definitely his world. This is what Dean knows.
“Away? Dean, what are you talking about? You’ve been here the whole time.”
Dean looks at him, bewildered.”What?”
“You’ve been asleep, Dean! You… you fell asleep the night after the funeral, and I couldn’t wake you up. I got you to Bobby’s and we’ve been trying to wake you up ever since. It’s been two days.”
“Only two days?”
“Yeah. We figured it was the angels or something, and they’d put you into some kind of… coma.”
“Does… Does Cas know about this?” Dean is starting to feel a pit in his stomach.
“No, I told you. I haven’t seen him in days. You know, you could always call him.” Sam’s got that annoyingly casual tone to his voice that he always puts on when he’s trying to suggest something, but Dean really doesn’t need it now.
It hadn’t been real. None of it had been real. He’d been lying here asleep the whole time, and it had just been some cruel trick. He and Cas had never… it had just been him wanting to…
Dean feels the old walls go up around his heart. He had been so stupid. It had been idiotic to hope for something like this. He’s not going to allow himself to feel it, though. If he gives into the pain and the betrayal he won’t be good for anything. And Cas can never, ever find out. The angel never knew anything about this, and he’s never going to. Dean will make himself forget. He’s so ashamed that he even allowed himself to believe in the first place.
“Dude… are you okay?” Sam is looking at him searchingly. “What did you… did you dream about something?”
“Yeah. I dreamt that I was in Vegas and I’d got a job as an Elvis impersonator. You were there too. You were Marilyn.” Dean laughs, but it sounds strange. “I’m gonna have a shower; I smell like last week.” Dean gets to his feet a little unsteadily. He’s not going to look at his brother right now, because he knows that Sam will be able to see the pain in his eyes. He needs to stop this. He needs to just stop feeling, but it’s so hard because he can still remember the taste of Castiel’s skin. He’ll just have to forget. He’ll just have to put this into the little box in his head along with all the other things that are just too damn painful. He’s back home now. And he has work to do.
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Chapter 5