Release
Today was the best day that I've had in school all together. I got all of my work done for my finals in a good amount of time. I got praised by one of the toughest instructors to please in the entire school and I got to hang out with carl and I made plans to go shooting this week plus ice skating.
Unfortunately the night seems to kill it for me. I just don't understand, is that really how depression works? In the evening you wind down from the best day ever and you're about to get a full week of break and bam it hits you and you feel like the worst person alive. All these doubts and insecurities fill your mind. I don't understand it at all....maybe I just need to go back to reading batman or watching it....
I honestly hate loving someone that won't give me a chance but flirts with me constantly and behaves like we are in a relationship....I even got asked by someone at the school if we were living together...that one was a shocker. I think Carl is just a moron who thinks too much. And I'm a moron that doesn't know how to put her feelings into words without upsetting someone. I wish I could just cut all ties to the stupid boy, but its already too late. He has my heart in his hands and he knows it. My problem is he won't willingly do anything with it, and I'm the one that has to make the moves. I wish I knew what he was so afraid of. I'm not a normal girl, everyone that's ever met me knows this.
He's become my best friend, I know him almost as well as he knows himself, and I know he know's me better then I do at this point, or at least he thinks he does.
I think I'm just a glutton for punishment. As long as I'm near him I can't move on, we graduate in one quarter and we may end up as room mates for a time because I haven't anywhere else to go and neither does he for the time being until we get jobs where we want. I'm really stupid and I know this is a recipe for disaster, trust me, I know its not smart. It was either this or move in with my friend Adrian, but she's currently going through a divorce and is living with the guy that is the reason for her divorce and I really don't want to deal with that either, so I quite honestly think living with Carl is the lesser of the two evils. At least with Carl I can be certain he won't try anything.
I'm just tired of not having a person that I can love who will fully love me in return. I want that so badly that it hurts inside. Like my heart is slowly drying up because the love is constantly being rejected. It won't be too long before I'm old and no one will even want me. I know this is the loneliness talking. I'm just needing to let it all out somewhere and my journals in the other room, I don't want to wake my room mate up.
My friend Steve told me he's been rejected a lot too, but even he's at least had someone for a time, probably more then once. I was with a guy out of convenience and because I liked the attention. Which just shows how desperate I was, I didn't even realize it at the time because I was in denial. Luckily I did finally realize it and I decided to say no more. I felt bad and really shallow. I feel really lost right now. I only have a quarter to go and I'll be officially done with school. Then I can work full time and get a great portfolio put together so that I can get a job where I want, then maybe I'll be so busy that I'll forget how lonely I feel all the time.
Unfortunately the night seems to kill it for me. I just don't understand, is that really how depression works? In the evening you wind down from the best day ever and you're about to get a full week of break and bam it hits you and you feel like the worst person alive. All these doubts and insecurities fill your mind. I don't understand it at all....maybe I just need to go back to reading batman or watching it....
I honestly hate loving someone that won't give me a chance but flirts with me constantly and behaves like we are in a relationship....I even got asked by someone at the school if we were living together...that one was a shocker. I think Carl is just a moron who thinks too much. And I'm a moron that doesn't know how to put her feelings into words without upsetting someone. I wish I could just cut all ties to the stupid boy, but its already too late. He has my heart in his hands and he knows it. My problem is he won't willingly do anything with it, and I'm the one that has to make the moves. I wish I knew what he was so afraid of. I'm not a normal girl, everyone that's ever met me knows this.
He's become my best friend, I know him almost as well as he knows himself, and I know he know's me better then I do at this point, or at least he thinks he does.
I think I'm just a glutton for punishment. As long as I'm near him I can't move on, we graduate in one quarter and we may end up as room mates for a time because I haven't anywhere else to go and neither does he for the time being until we get jobs where we want. I'm really stupid and I know this is a recipe for disaster, trust me, I know its not smart. It was either this or move in with my friend Adrian, but she's currently going through a divorce and is living with the guy that is the reason for her divorce and I really don't want to deal with that either, so I quite honestly think living with Carl is the lesser of the two evils. At least with Carl I can be certain he won't try anything.
I'm just tired of not having a person that I can love who will fully love me in return. I want that so badly that it hurts inside. Like my heart is slowly drying up because the love is constantly being rejected. It won't be too long before I'm old and no one will even want me. I know this is the loneliness talking. I'm just needing to let it all out somewhere and my journals in the other room, I don't want to wake my room mate up.
My friend Steve told me he's been rejected a lot too, but even he's at least had someone for a time, probably more then once. I was with a guy out of convenience and because I liked the attention. Which just shows how desperate I was, I didn't even realize it at the time because I was in denial. Luckily I did finally realize it and I decided to say no more. I felt bad and really shallow. I feel really lost right now. I only have a quarter to go and I'll be officially done with school. Then I can work full time and get a great portfolio put together so that I can get a job where I want, then maybe I'll be so busy that I'll forget how lonely I feel all the time.