1. starting over
hello again,
it's been a long time since i've even looked at this journal, or livejournal at all for that matter. im thinking i may start updating this more, seeing as i'm more comfortable writing here than in my own personal journal for some reason. things have changed a lot... more than i could've ever imagined since the last time i wrote on here, thats for sure. i think the last time i was on here i had just returned from The Dilworth House, and had just completed treatment. well, this time im pregnant. im having a baby! haha, its crazy how life turns out like that, the week i was supposed to have my year of sobriety i learned for certain that i was about 6 or 7 weeks pregnant. i am now close to about two and a half months. its hard to believe that, i have no maternal bones in my body and i pray that this will change when my instincts kick in and that baby pops out in a few months. i thought i was gonna wait till i was at least 40 to do this deal, some things in life i guess you really cant control though. i decided to keep it immediately, i don't like the idea of killing it, though, i'd never tell someone other than myself this... its all personal choice. i guess if i really felt like i couldnt do it maybe i'd have had an abortion like all the other girls i know who have been 'knocked up'. i'm still entirely scared of this whole situation sometimes, i'm sure this post shows that more than anything. it really scares the living crap out of me. my bodies doing weird things, i read a book that made me scared i'm going to be a fat cow for the rest of my life after this, my babies father is in and out of my life like the flicking of a switch. on top of all that, i'm an emotional wreck, it's hard to keep it together sometimes haha. it really is funny though, when i think of how dramatic i made everything before this and how everything before this seems so trite and fickle. sometimes i get really sad because i know theres other girls out there being beautiful and partying and living their life the way i want to be living mine, but i'm not living mine that way because the child growing inside me makes me tired at 9 o'clock. that's just my selfish side, you know.. my selfish side makes me sad i can't buy anything for myself, makes me know that birthdays and christmas and any day is overshadowed by my child. i am knocked down into irrelevance by the one who i am going to love more than my life. it's amazing how much i already love my child that i only have seen at the size of a bean. thinking about how many fun things there are to teach her and all the ways i want to show her my love. or him. i can't wait for the smiles, the snaggletooths, the booboos, the tears, the hugs, i love yous and, later, the i hate yous. ha, just like me, im sure. sometimes i get real scared i won't be able to provide everything i want to for her/him, or that i might mess up teaching her something.. you know, like morals. idk, i think i've written all The Fear out of my head for now, i feel calmer and not so stressed out. i wish i had some rosemary triscuits to go with the cheese i have. i'll be back soon, i'm sure.
love always,
nichole
it's been a long time since i've even looked at this journal, or livejournal at all for that matter. im thinking i may start updating this more, seeing as i'm more comfortable writing here than in my own personal journal for some reason. things have changed a lot... more than i could've ever imagined since the last time i wrote on here, thats for sure. i think the last time i was on here i had just returned from The Dilworth House, and had just completed treatment. well, this time im pregnant. im having a baby! haha, its crazy how life turns out like that, the week i was supposed to have my year of sobriety i learned for certain that i was about 6 or 7 weeks pregnant. i am now close to about two and a half months. its hard to believe that, i have no maternal bones in my body and i pray that this will change when my instincts kick in and that baby pops out in a few months. i thought i was gonna wait till i was at least 40 to do this deal, some things in life i guess you really cant control though. i decided to keep it immediately, i don't like the idea of killing it, though, i'd never tell someone other than myself this... its all personal choice. i guess if i really felt like i couldnt do it maybe i'd have had an abortion like all the other girls i know who have been 'knocked up'. i'm still entirely scared of this whole situation sometimes, i'm sure this post shows that more than anything. it really scares the living crap out of me. my bodies doing weird things, i read a book that made me scared i'm going to be a fat cow for the rest of my life after this, my babies father is in and out of my life like the flicking of a switch. on top of all that, i'm an emotional wreck, it's hard to keep it together sometimes haha. it really is funny though, when i think of how dramatic i made everything before this and how everything before this seems so trite and fickle. sometimes i get really sad because i know theres other girls out there being beautiful and partying and living their life the way i want to be living mine, but i'm not living mine that way because the child growing inside me makes me tired at 9 o'clock. that's just my selfish side, you know.. my selfish side makes me sad i can't buy anything for myself, makes me know that birthdays and christmas and any day is overshadowed by my child. i am knocked down into irrelevance by the one who i am going to love more than my life. it's amazing how much i already love my child that i only have seen at the size of a bean. thinking about how many fun things there are to teach her and all the ways i want to show her my love. or him. i can't wait for the smiles, the snaggletooths, the booboos, the tears, the hugs, i love yous and, later, the i hate yous. ha, just like me, im sure. sometimes i get real scared i won't be able to provide everything i want to for her/him, or that i might mess up teaching her something.. you know, like morals. idk, i think i've written all The Fear out of my head for now, i feel calmer and not so stressed out. i wish i had some rosemary triscuits to go with the cheese i have. i'll be back soon, i'm sure.
love always,
nichole