Could use some Moral Support... (update 03/08 RIP MOMMY)
Original post: 12/01
Early afternoon Thursday, my mom went to the ER because she thought she had a stroke. Almost 2 days later and we don't many definite answers other than her heart is fine, but her doctor said he can conclude that it was definitely a stroke just by looking at her. She's unable to move her right arm and possibly her right leg also; I'm not sure how bad her leg is because she's been lying in the hospital bed and only sliding over to the portable potty by her bed. Her speech is definitely struggling and she just is out of it. I try to talk to her to keep her brain as fresh and functioning as possible, but she struggles to spit out the words. She's going to need to go to rehab/physical therapy for 1-3 weeks in Corona which is about 30mins from us, which isn't bad at all, just a little bit of a hassle but it's ok.
My mom has been very independent as far as stuff at home goes. I don't see that being the case any more. Hopefully the rehab will work out well for her (and for us).
Basically, what it boils down to is that the time has come for me to become head of the household, officially. Since my daughter was born (7mo), it's been like I've been watching over TWO households because we live with my parents and my mom still controls how everything is in the house except for our little end of the hallway upstairs. I guess it's a a good thing that I'll be able to finally fix the house so that it's suitable for everyone, especially the baby. It's just going to be a lot of work and responsibility that I've never had before, not because I didn't want it but because I never got the chance I guess.
I should mention that my mom is 84 and my dad is 86. So, I knew this was coming, I just didn't know how soon. My dad has always had medical probs and is extremely dependent on my mom. That, now, makes him dependent on me. Plus, now having to take care of my mom. My BF helps out with our daughter as much as he can, but that's only so much since I AM her main provider. Through all of that, I have to remember to support my BF's and my relationship because without him, I don't know where I'd be. When we get overly distracted from each other, it's easy to upset one another and we don't always handle it well. All of it is just so much to handle FOR ME..... Good thing I see a therapist now, HAH!
I think it's hard on my BF because he hasn't had to live with these kinds of emergency situations for the past 12 years like I have. I don't think he really understands what it takes. But, he's just going to have to suck it up just like I do.
There's a time to weep, but it's not when there are things to be done. And, when you do get that time, let it out then get over it and keep moving on.
Also, I really wanted to go back to school this Spring semester. I've already registered but haven't paid yet because I'd rather not have to worry about whether I'm going to get my refund or not. I've never been dropped for not paying within the first 10 days after registering, so hopefully I'll still be lucky. If not, then I'll just take it as a sign that I have other more important things to take care of at the moment. But, I really want to go to school this semester.
Last night while I was sitting with my mom, I started crying after I found out that she'd have to go to rehab. It just made it kind of more real and I realized a little more how much more responsibility I'm going to have to take on, again. What made it harder was that I really didn't want my mom to see me cry, it would just make it harder for her.
That's another thing, I don't think she has really admitted to herself how bad it actually is. Our doctor asked her how she was doing and if she was feeling better and she immediately said yes. But, it's so obvious that she is not doing better, if not worse. I can't let myself do the same thing and lie to myself about the reality of the situation even though it would make me feel better. I really don't think it would help anyone in the long run.
It's so hard to stay strong. Last night, we were watching "Polar Express" and the kids were singing a song about Christmas and I started crying. The song, I think, started out about how things go wrong during Christmas, then another kid starts singing about the good things that happen during Christmas. I was thinking to myself, "Wow, I'm that kid, the kid whom Christmas doesn't work out for." Christmas used to be a big deal at my house and it was always the happiest time for me. Then, my parents started having their health problems and I was still so young and Christmas has become a time of pain and a fight to keep those yearly happy times alive. Every December, for years now, I always try to stay encouraged about the happy time of year but still wait for that bad thing to happen because it happens pretty much EVERY year. Whether someone dies, someone goes into the hospital, someone gets hurt, whatever; just wait for it. Well, it's here and I'm struggling to be strong when I have to be and struggling through the times when I can let myself just cry.
I can't forget to take care of myself through all of this, too. It's just so hard when so many other people depend on you, too.
My uncle helps as much as he can, but he has his own health problems. My brother and his family live a couple hours away and try to do as much as they can when they can, but they have their own busy lives. I'm here and I know how everything should be around here, so not matter what, that puts the majority of the responsibility on me.
I needed to, I guess, vent a little. Now, I need to go take care of business. Thanks for listening.
Update:: 12/02.1
We finally heard back about all her tests. She had multiple strokes that are all about the same age. Doctor said there were about 10, a bunch of small ones and one large one on the left side of the brain which is the one affecting her right arm that she can't move. One good thing is that she has good function of her right leg/foot which we weren't sure how bad it was effected (affect/effect.. I dunno Lol). The neurologist finally came to see her and did some little tests, then spoke with her doctor and thinks that she's not quite ready to go to rehab yet. So, she'll be in this hospital for a few more days. The speech therapist came and tested her swallowing and whatnot and that went really well. She said she was surprised how well my mom did considering the degree of her stroke(s). The bad stuff: she needs help to do most movements of her body. Yesterday, she was having trouble balancing while sitting up, which wasn't a problem the day before. She seems more out of it and has more trouble spitting out words. She's going to be seen by a vascular surgeon, hopefully, soon and he will decide if she needs to have surgery to clean out the carotid artery in her neck or what. Hopefully, she won't need surgery. I'm really not sure how well she will do if she has to have surgery. For one, she's a bleeder. Two, she IS 84. She's always been a super strong woman, physically and mentally. But, all good things come to an end, eventually.
It could be A LOT worse, but it's definitely going to be really hard as it is. I know I can handle all of this, I kind of HAVE to; I'm learning to be OK with breaking down once in a while because I know I deserve to when I need to.
Thanks, everybody, for your comments, thoughts, help, etc.
Upadte:: 12/03.1
It seems like she's getting worse. Yesterday, she kept telling me that she was just so tired. She pretty much didn't eat. She was really struggling to spit out understandable words. I think a big part of it is that her brain isn't getting very much stimulation which is so important after a stroke to keep her mind fresh. She is now restricted to the bed, can't get up to go to the bathroom or even sit on the edge of the bed to eat because she's lost her balance. Her muscles, especially in her legs, are really tender because she's been laying in bed since Thursday. She's only been seen by a physical therapist ONCE since Friday. She's not on any kind of IV which seems odd to me. But, maybe now that she's really having trouble eating, they'll start an IV or get her some Ensure to drink. I kept telling her that she needs to eat so that she can get some energy so she won't be SO tired. I had to bribe her to, AT LEAST, finish her fruit at dinner time; I told her I would bring Joslynn to see her.
Well, now, Joslynn is sick. She caught a virus that's going around that the two boys that her lola babysits have. The boys weren't there, but I guess Joslynn came into contact with stuff that had been in contact with. I guess I didn't really think about that. I knew the boys wouldn't be there, so I thought she would be ok. But, I guess I just didn't think it through enough since I've got all this other stuff on my mind. We went to pick her up last night and not even a minute down the street she started spewing, literally spewing. We cleaned her up and she did it again a few minutes later. I called the doc and she said it's going around and next will come diarrhea. Go to the ER if there's anything abnormal, otherwise it should pass in a few days and just to offer her Pedialyte. So, I'm home with Jos today. Called my uncle last night while picking up the Pedialyte and asked him to try to be at the hospital in the morning to help her eat and be there if the docs show up. Of course, this would happen right now... of course.
So, I took my dad with me yesterday morning to the hospital to see my mom. We got there and my uncle and bro were there and she was (not) eating lunch, so she was awake and fairly communicative. But, my dad, he just broke down and started sobbing. It's really rough on him to have her like this. After a little while, I told my bro to take him home. They argue like the two absolute meanest people alive, but they need each other. My dad gave her a kiss when he got there and told her that he still loves her. Then, she threatened to hit him with her limp arm, LOL.
Yah, someone really needs to be with my mom as much as possible. We need to talk to her and ask her questions whenever she's at least somewhat awake and aware. Otherwise, she's just going to drift off and who knows how well or if we'll be able to get her back. My sister should be down this afternoon and I'll have her stay at the hospital so I can be home with Jos.
Oh, and, we have ants in the kitchen and my bathroom.
And, my dad is out of one of his medicines and it takes about 2wks to receive the refill that I finally was able to call in this morning. He wants to adjust his meds himself..... right.
Update:: 12/03.2
[rant]
My family doesn't give me nearly enough credit, at all, hardly ever have; and, I don't facking understand why.
I've been pretty much taking care of myself since I was 9/10 years old when my dad had his first heartattack, so about 12 years. Not only have I taken care of myself but looked after my parents, also, and stepped up every single time something has happened which is a lot of friggin' times.
Yet, they all talk to me like I don't know anything, telling me this and that and why and how. Fack off.
I am THE ONLY ONE, THE only ONE, who has been here the WHOLE time EVERY single time. I KNOW what the deal is. And, how DARE you treat me like... like I'm a clueless kid.
Ever since I can remember, I've had to be "grown up" because everyone around me has always been SO MUCH older being that my parents are older than half of other people's grandparents. Now that I AM a grown up, NOW they want to talk to me like I'm a kid.
I guess my sister and brother know a bit better than that and don't really treat me this way most of the time. I think, for whatever reason everyone else lacks, my sister-in-law understands better.
It's like everyone thinks that I've been nothing but a spoiled little girl, clueless about the real world. Well, guess facking what; you couldn't be more wrong. Even though maybe I shouldn't feel this way, I find it all SO incredibly insulting.
I could go on for hours giving examples and "proving" myself. But, I'm just going to have to rise above it like I do EVERY SINGLE TIME and hope that people remember it this time around. I may be "only" 22, but age is just a number when you have the right life experience and I've been through more than most people my age that I know (not to discredit anyone, everyone's situation is different).
[/rant]
Bad things that happened today::
-Jos is still sick and threw up on me this morning.-Dennis had to go back to work, so I don't have him here :(.
-It's almost 5pm and I haven't seen my mom today :(.
-My sister won't be here until later tonight.
-My dad keeps adjusting his medicine himself which isn't good. And, he just asked for a refill when it takes 10 days to get in the mail and he has no more pills.
-My mom still isn't eating well, if any.
-It took the advice nurse 3hrs to call back about Jos.
-The cat threw up and their boxes are full and I don't know if we have any more cat sand and I haven't had the chance to take care of them today.
Good things that happened today::
-Jos seems normal other than throwing up after she eats and a little extra fussiness when she's tired.
-Dennis will be home around 630 and can hug me.
-The surgeon saw my mom today and said that she most likely won't need surgery on the carotid artery in her neck because it's not that clogged.
-My sister cleared out her week so that she can be here.
-The advice nurse called back.
-I actually got Jos' barfy laundry through the wash and dryer, gave Jos a bath after I got smart and took her clothes off before I fed her then put her in her tub right afterwards in case she threw up and she did throw up but in the tub and not all over me and the bed again, Jos actually took a couple naps and is sleeping right now, and I'm almost done with Jos' dishes! Geebus...
*phew*
I want to take a nap right now, but there's always so much to do. After I rinse Jos' bottles, I'm gonna try.
Thanks, again, for listening.
Update:: 12/05.1
I don't know how I'm surviving right now. Joslynn gave her sick to me. She's doing better, but I'm worse than she was.
My mom is probably getting transferred today to the rehab center. I haven't heard any news, yet, today.
Omg. I am so sick.
Update:: 12/06.1
I want to update, but I don't feel like saying much right now.
Jos and I are both feeling much better, but still a bit neaseous at times.
My mom is at the rehab center now and I haven't seen her since Monday :(.
My sister (-in-law) was really great today.
I'm really sad right now. And, it's making me feel sick.
Update:: 12/07.1
Today's weather matches how I'm doing - rain off and on with an occasional, brief bright spot that turns back into a dark storm.
Update:: 12/08.1
I am not giving away my dogs. No. Fock that. We have 2.5 acres of land and that is more than enough room to make a place for them where they won't pee on everything in the house because they're mad they've been couped up and where they won't bark at everything if we put a wall up or get some kind of anti-bark device. It's bullshit; I'm not giving up my dogs. No. Out of the question. I'm focking pissed.
It's more than likely that my mom will be in a wheelchair when she comes home... if she comes home. It's looking more and more like I'm going to have to seriously consider looking into nursing homes. I'm not going to be able to take care of her likes she's going to need, plus my dad, plus Joslynn who is the most important little person in my life, plus myself, and Dennis and I. Plus the house, plus our land, plus our general LIVES and FUTURE. All of this is on me, maybe not solely, but the biggest chuck is for sure. Yes, I have people helping me, THANK GOD; but, even still, we can all only do so much.
Another option is having a full-time in-home healthcare person, like a live-in nurse. I don't know which would be more expensive.
I never imagined actually having to put my parents in a nursing home. I mean, the thought crossed my mind in case I would have to, but I never thought I would actually have to. I can't imagine right now how I am going to deal with the guilt and sorrow.
My therapist has her hands full. Yes, I've been seeing a therapist for 2.5mo now. Hopefully, you can all understand why, now. Too bad I missed my last appointment because I was sick and completely forgot.
Anyway, I keep trying to be positive, but there's not a whole lot to be positive about. Sure, anyone can pull a few things out of their ass that I should be thankful for, but I can pretty much tie a bad thing to anything you throw at me. For example, I have Joslynn, but Joslynn has been sick and is still a little sick. Nothing can be better than having Joslynn, so don't bother trying to make me see the good things I have. I know what I have and, right now, I have too many serious problems to deal with to embrace the greatness of the good things I still have left. When the bad things start getting better, then I'll be fully able to reembrace all the good things that have stuck around. The more I lie to myself about the situation, the harder it makes it. So, let's not kid ourselves.
Update:: 12/11.1
I guess things are looking up; well, they're not looking any worse at the moment.
My mom is talking more now, but still not eating. I finally got to go see her last night. I think it was a little easier not seeing her because it allowed for some denial, yet that's not healthy or very helpful when the occasional breakdown comes around. We took Joslynn and I know my mom loved seeing her even my mom was really tired and a little out of it from some big test that she had done earlier in the day.
Tomorrow is the family meeting at the hospital to discuss how she's doing, how long she'll be there, and the kinds of things we need to know and do for when she comes home, etc. I already know it's going to be rough, just the meeting. I'm going to take my own box of tissues, meh.
Jos and I are both better now, however I still feel icky once in a while.
The VA (Veterans) hospital signed up my dad for home healthcare because at his last appointment he saw a new doctor who thought my dad was crazy because no one went in with my dad to help him understand and whatnot. It's really coincidental blessing because we're going to need professional help at home if both or either of them continue living at home. The nurse that came to do the initial assessment said that he could probably qualify for a housekeeper which would be so awesome and rediculously helpful. I guess a social worker is going to come out and help with figuring out what we need and can get from the VA and then help us get it. It's so much work and confusing doing it on your own; I don't think I could.
In other news, we finally got Joslynn crib (she's been sleeping in a bassinet that she's grown out of). It's beautiful. But, I need a stepping stool to tuck in her blanket and easily lay her down. Picking her up from or putting her down on her back will be even harder when we lower the mattress so that she can't jump out when she stands. I wish I had made a drop side mandatory, but I just wanted to get the crib finally because we had already waited too long. I guess I'll have to live with it, or grow taller.
This weekend we're going to start cleaning up the house and throwing stuff out and whatnot. Unless you've been here, you can only imagine what that entails. We need to get an extra large dumpster for a while. We've got a lot of stuff that we can sell though. It's more complicated than it sounds, kind of. Nevermind... haha. Just, ugh.
Anyway, all of Joslynn's bottles are dirty and I need to go finish washing them even though I really want to take a nap because I didn't sleep well at all last night, and I'm hungry.
Update:: 12/15.1
Quick style update::
-Mom not doing any better. Not making progress at rehab. Not eating, barely drinking.
-Going to need at least one full-time, 24/7 live-in nurse to care for Mom, if not 2, maybe one part-time nurse in addition.
-She's going to have to go to a skilled nursing facility (basically a nursing home) for a while and probably won't be able to come home for Christmas, even for just the day.
-Very, very likely that she will end up in a long-term nursing facility eventually. And, my dad may have to go there, too.
-She is supposed to be discharged this weekend to come home, but the house is not prepared for her, at all, and it's going to take a few days to fix, at least. We had NO idea she might come home this soon and were completely unprepared for it.
-To put things into perspective, we may have to sell the house and property to be able to pay for her long-term care and also to provide for my dad. I never really believed that it could come to that. I wanted to keep the house at all costs. But, it just doesn't look like that's much of a possibility and I'm more than sad about it.
That's just a quick, short update. There's so much going on... time to get started.
Update:: 12/18.1
Gawsh, just unsuspected thing after the other. The hospital has decided to move my mom from the rehab center to a skilled nursing facility down the street TODAY. There are no beds available at the Murrieta facility, but this place in Corona is decent, at least for now. So, I guess she won't be coming home on Thursday and we should have, at least, another week to get things done at the house. It's kind of a good thing that they've decided to send her to this other place, for us, because I know we wouldn't have been able to sanely have things ready by Thursday. It's a little load off our back for now. My brother thinks my mom is going to have a fit that she's going to another facility instead of home which he may be right. I'm not so sure that she has anough fire in her to care too much to really get pissed about it though; she's still not doing any better or making significant progress, at all. If she does the same at this other place, then they'll end up kicking her out, too. However, I do know that she is entitled to 100 days skilled nursing care through her insurance. But, if she doesn't TRY, then the insurance won't pay for it. Then, we'll end up bringing her home and see if that helps, but we'll be paying out of pocket for a full-time live-in homecare nurse. The only thing her insurance will pay for when she's at home is for therapists to come out and work with her - physical, speech, occupational - that's all. I think they might pay for some of the supplies; either way, it's about 5-6k a month just for the nurse.
My friend, Laura from Fem-tech.com, was supposed to come down and help me with the house today, but I think I'm going to have to be with my mom all day through the transfer. So, I need to start getting ready n stuff.
Thanks, again, Laura for trying to come down. And, Danielle, for coming over and keeping me company/helping go through boxes last night (I hope your nose survived, haha). :).
Update:: 12/19.1
I'm still in denial about my mom. It's so hard to believe that she's actually in the state she's in and not getting better, it's just not like her. I can’t believe that this has actually happened and the degree of it. Why all of a sudden now?
It's really been hard trying to find time to clean and really move things around. Either something comes up or there's something else that needs to be done or we need that darn thing called sleep. I think I would have more motivation to work on the house if 1) I could come to terms about my mom and 2) if I didn't so much other stuff I have to look over, be responsible for, and take care of... And, some other things that I don't feel like I have much control over right now... but, whatever.
Update:: 12/19.2
Tonight I talked to the doctor assigned to my mom. He said that as long as she stays hydrated that she'll be "okay" for a while. But, that can only last so long, living off of fluids. The only things she will swallow are water and fruit smoothies from places like Juice It Up and Jamba Juice which we add vitamin and protein boosts to; she won't even take her medicine. So, other than not eating, she's healthy as far as her heart, immune system, and regular bodily functions. But, if she doesn't start working on some kind of regular diet, all of that is going to start failing. All she does is complain about her back and neck aching which is from lying in bed not being able to get comfortable because she can't position herself. All of her muscles are rediculously tender and sensitive to the touch from lying in bed for 3wks making it so hard to move her around without "hurting" her. So, anyway, it came down to the doctor telling me that we'll see how she does over the next 2-4 weeks and, then, we may have to start thinking about hospice care as opposed to at-home-healthcare. My mom's new roommate is pretty much in the same condition and I was able to make a good connection with one of the daughters who offered her support and advice since she's been through choosing hospice care for her dad whom passed and, now, may have to with her mother, also.
I still just can't believe it.
Update:: 12/20.1
It's hard to keep trying when she won't try at all.
I want to be there more, but I can't since I have to be responsible for everything now. I feel like I'm abandoning her because I can't be there all day every day and I have no one that I can completely depend on to be there for me for whatever I need and whenever I need it like how I want to be there for her and how her and I were there for my dad the many, many times he's been in the hopsital. She deserves as much as she's given in the past, but we're just at a point where we can't offer it especially when she's not wanting to receive it.
Someone does have to be there with her as much as possible. She won't call for help from a nurse if she needs it. You have to ask her if she needs something, then ask her again to make sure she understood and didn't lie. But, I'm the one who can be there the most and knows the most about what she really needs and wants, yet I can't be there as much as she needs or I want, even with help from others.
Even now, in the state she's in, she wants to take advantage of me. She expects me to do and give her whatever she wants, but she won't ask the nurses for the same help. Sure, that's somewhat normal and whatever in her situation, but it sucks for me and for her because it just doesn't work out that way. Yah, she "saved" me, took me in and raised me, but I can't give up everything for her especially when she's not willing to take a few steps on her own, just a few, and when she and everyone else has left me to take over everything almost on my own it feels like a lot of the time.
Ok, maybe that last bit sounded hypocritical to the stuff before it (or something like that), but that's just how confusing and difficult this all is. I dunno..... *sigh*. Whatever.
Update 12/26.01
I think people are sick of my utterly depressing posts. Well, I am, too; but, it's my life and what I'm going through right now and there's not much I can do about it but get through it.
It's all so overwhelming and exhausting.
Whenever I find something to enjoy, it just gets drowned out by all the lingering things that I dread that I know will still be there when this moment of joy passes.
It's getting to the point where I'm feeling like rolling up in a ball and just giving up and saying forget it all. I hope I don't get there. I want to be there, because it's the easy way out. But, the easy way isn't always the best way. I'm still fighting to be strong and it's a real struggle; I'm not sure that this is like anything I've been through before, and I've been through a lot in my young years. Maybe I could say this is the most enduring trial I've had to live through. Usually, they come and go, lasting a month or two at most. This, however, I don't have a clear vision of when this might all resolve itself.
Change is hard. Changing yourself is even harder.
Oh, btw, worst Christmas, yet. Even thought there were a few good, short laughs, the food made me sick because it wasn't my mom's and she wasn't even there and I wasn't there for her as much as I should have been. We shouldn't have celebrated Christmas; at least, not like how we did. Everything about it was wrong and I still feel sick about it.
But, ok, to end on a nice(r) note - there were a few good things. Joslynn got some nice gifts (from ppl I didn't expect anything from, unlike some others, but whatever). We did get to visit my mom for only about 30 mins after 9pm and she managed to crack a mumbled joke about putting a bark collar on my dad, haha. And, some of us did manage to get together for the day and that was important; I just wish we had gone about it in a different manner. So, yah, it wasn't an absolute failure (but pretty damn close).
Update:: 01/02.1
Facts:
-My mom is not doing good. She used to drink smoothies and Starbucks, but she's not even doing that, now, and she's gotten extremely dehydrated. I think we should have considered a feeding tube a long time ago and not wait until it's almost too late.
-Last night, I finally realized and accepted the fact that I cannot take care of everyone enough to benefit everyone. Lately, I've been feeling literally sick every time I start to think about it. I feel more at ease now that I've, I guess, come to terms with this issue. But, now, I have to figure out what to do about it, and it's going to involve some of the hardest decisions I'll ever have to make in my life. One of them being how to let go of my parents so that I can hold on to myself and my family that I've created which, now, have to/are/will be number one. I just can't do it all; it is not within my capabilites even though I SO wish it was and have tried so hard to make it so.
-I don't have to do everything on my own. Now that I physically and mentally cannot try to do things on my own, I now finally realize that I don't have to do anything on my own and I don't have to be lonely. It's one thing to know you're not alone, but a whole other thing to realize it.
-I feel like I'm giving up on my parents, but I know I can only do so much. One thing I do know is that I could never give up on Joslynn; and, if I have to give up most of my responsibilities of being my parents' main caretaker in order to be the best mother to my daughter, I will. Now, I just have to work on the guilt and on not regretting a decision that will help me provide a good life for my daughter.
-Even though my dad is technically still an able-bodied person, he doesn't take care of himself and I canNOT do it for him. I've done, given up, tried so much over the past 12 years to help him and be there for him; but, again, I can only do so much. Same goes for my mom as a, now, disabled person. If they won't do what they can (and they CAN do things) and TRY, I can't keep trying either. It has to be give and take from both sides. I can't keep giving because I don't have much left in me to give, and I have a baby who needs all of me and I'm not willing to drain myself for anyone who is not her.
-This is going to sound horrible, but I really think that my parents raised me the way that they did, giving me everything even if I didn't want or ask for it (ie. I had to beg my mom, crying, to let me get a job. What normal kid has to fight their parents to let them work at Del Taco?), so that when the time came I would give every piece of me to them. Well, it just can't work out that way. I truly wish it could, but it can't and won't. I cannot be there for my mom 24/7 like she needs, and at the same time watch over my dad and give him what he needs throughout the day, and raise a child, and take care of myself and my relationship with my partner. IT IS NOT POSSIBLE, not for me. (Don't judge unless you know how I actually grew up, and maybe a handful of you only have a clue.)
-Now, how do I deal with this?
Update:: 01/16.1
I CAN'T HELP HIM IF HE WON'T LET ME.
I really need to update, and there's a lot to update. But, I really don't feel like it right now, so I'll try again later.
Update:: 01/18.1
I should really be doing other things right now, but I feel like doing this right now, I guess.
My mom:
She's not doing any better but not any worse either. She's just more angry, a lot more angry and just wants to come home. Therefore, she's not cooperating almost at all, which means they may stop physical therapy since she won't participate and just cusses everyone out. Once in a while she will eat a little something, but not enough. Some days, she eat or drink any thing, at all. Other days, she throws the food at the nurses.
So, we had another family meeting with the staff at the skilled nursing facility and are working on getting her home as soon as possible. Monday, two nurses who will be coming to the house, my sister-in-law and I are going to do training to know how to help my mom do things. The thing that sucks the most about it is that she's just going to ask for me ALL the time and I just can't do that. Anyway, she should be home by the end of the month. We just have to finish moving furniture around downstairs and clean out the room that the nurses will be staying in.
My dad:
His diabetes is starting to take over. He has close to no circulation in his right foot and he's in trouble of possible losing his right leg. I've been driving him around everwhere for the past week trying to get him help. Finally, they decided to admit him to the hospital to figure out how to help him. No matter how this turns out, it's going to be a lot more work trying to care for and help him.
Jos:
Jos has a cold, again, maybe from when I had to take her with me to the urgent care for my dad. Except, this time, she has a cough, too. She seems ok, though, nothing extraordinary to worry about, I hope.
Dennis and I:
We're trying our hardest not to get sick, too.
We're supposed to, hopefully, go check out some houses this weekend. I just can't see myself living like this for more than 6mo. We're going to have to move out. We're going to have to sell the house in about a year anyway because we're going to run out of money for my parents' healthcare. [At that point, my bro and sister-i-l. will add onto their house and take my parents to live with them in Valencia.]
So yah...
I'm getting better at coming to terms with everything and accepting the fact that I can't do and fix everything. It's really hard; I really think this is going to be the hardest part of my entire life (I HOPE.. gah..).
What else... I'm not sure right now, but I'm sure as the time gets closer to bringing my mom home that there will be a lot to say then.
Hopefully, they'll say something about my dad today. I just have a whole bunch of crap to do at the house and then go to my dad's hospital. I'll just do as much as I can so that I don't get to the hospital too late.
Update:: 01/20.1
It's hard to find the motivation to do things and, then, follow through with those things when everything around you just.......................... sucks.
Update:: 01/28.1
Be prepared to be depressed... or don't read.
It's 1030pm.
My mom is downstairs yelling and moaning in pain, anger and who knows what other emotions. There is nothing I can do about it. She complains about the pain but won't take pain medicine or any medicine for anything else. She may be getting pnemonia. She may have had another mini stroke today because her speech is worse and you can't understand almost anything she tries to say which makes it that much harder to try to help her.
The nurse isn't as much help as I was hoping. Not just because my mom tries to resist her, but because I feel like I'm still putting forth more effort than anyone else including the nurse. iono...
My dad is doing better, but that doesn't mean he's doing good. He still fights my help and, tonight, I told him that if he doesn't let me help him then I just won't do it at all. He told me to go away and I did.
Whenever the nurse tries to clean up my mom or move her around, my mom will start screaming my name for me to come help her. I can't do anything. It's the worst at night; it was so hard trying to sleep the first night she came home.
I miss my Joslynn. So much.
I miss Dennis.
At this moment, I miss being happy.
And living life.
I don't know how I keep going and keep trying.
I don't know how I haven't put myself in the hospital with a mental break down.
I mean, I'm glad I haven't; I just don't know how I haven't completely lost it
Update:: 01/29.1
So, I find myself hiding from it all in my room, again, just like when I was younger and my parents would be yelling at each other. Except, now, my mom is yelling for me to come help her out of the wheel chair and back into bed or for me to come save her from the nurse that is just trying to change her diaper. We pay the nurse to be here to help my parents so that I don't have to do it because I can't handle it. Yet, they both still expect me to do everything for them.
If you've been following my updates, you know how depressing they are and my situation is. I realized this morning that the reason I seem to only bring the bad news and let my posts be so depressing is because I have spent so long putting up a happy front that I just can't do that any longer and I have to accept this sad reality so that I can deal with it. Putting up a front does not help the situation, it's lying to myself and everyone else and, if we don't know the truth, then we can't do the right things to fix it. I do have hopes for better days and know that one day I'll get there. It's just going to be a while and take a lot of hard times and sacrifice to finally get there. But, when I do finally get there, it'll be so much more wonderful and easier to transition into because of all I, Jos and Dennis have had to endure.
Update:: 02/09.1
If you didn't see my bulletins last week, my mom gave us a real scare last Tuesday. It was the first time she had been up out of bed and in the wheel chair since coming home from the skilled nursing facility. The new home-healthcare nurse was out doing her initial evaluation. My mom had already been in the wheelchair and screaming for 1.5hr, but she needed to be in the wheelchair and out of bed for a while. Then, all of a sudden, she was quiet. Her eyes were wide open, she was sitting limp and not moving, and breathing fast and shallow. I didn't know if anything was wrong; I thought maybe she just got tired of screaming. Then, the 24/7 nurse actually did something helpful and spoke up about maybe something was wrong with her. So, the new nurse went to check on her. She snapped her fingers right in front of her face and my mom didn't flinch, at all. They put her back into the bed and continued checking her vitals. Next thing you know, nurse Nora tells me to call 911 and I did, crying. I kept hearing Nora say that my mom is "going out." My dad was home and so was Joslynn. Nora even had my dad say some things to my mom in case it was time for her to go. I'm glad Joslynn was there, so that my mom could hear her. The ambulance came and took her to the ER. During this whole thing, the 24/7 nurse was just going about her business in the kitchen and eating and acting completely unaffected, especially since she was about to go off-duty. Anyway, my mom went to the ER for a few hours and, then, they sent her home because they didn't find anything. Her regular doctor came and said she probably had a seizure and decided that it would be best to put her on hospice. Hospice has been great and has really helped my mom. She doesn't scream in agony any more and she seems comfortable most of the time. Over the past few days, she seems to be doing much better. Her body has finally gotten use to the medications. She's more aware and awake with her eyes open. There's more color in her face. She's drinking her smoothie by herself a lot of the time. I didn't want to get my hopes up too soon, and I'm still not. But, it's good to see her looking better.
Now, for the bad news: My dad went for a scheduled check-up on Thursday with the surgeon who did an angioplasti on his leg the last time he was in the hospital 2wks ago. The doc thought the clots were forming again and decided he needed to be admitted to the hospital again. Since the first effort didn't work out well enough, the doc said that my dad needs surgery. But, my dad's heart isn't too good and has had a lot of work done on it. So, the plan was to to do some tests to see if his heart could handle having bypass surgery on his leg. If not, the only other options are worsening pain or amputation, both of which my dad is not wanting to consider. But, it's not like he really has a choice in the matter; something needs to be done. So, the fastest way to get him admitted is to go through the ER. I took him yesterday morning and he was in there all day. He finally got a bed late last night. My bro and sister-in-law have been there for a while today and I talked to my sister a little while ago. She said that the doctors decided that he needs the surgery, the bypass. Knowing all that my dad and his heart have been through, I don't know that he will make it through the surgery and recovery.
...
...So, I made the decision that I didn't want the original nurse any more, Yvonne. Just, no; and, I don't feel like going into that whole thing again. So, anyway, the new nurse came, Maria, and she speaks close to no English. But, she's been AMAZING. She's been perfect. She takes care of my parents so well and is so wonderfully helpful. Even through the language barrier, she still communicates her needs, our needs, everything just wonderfully. She's great. Unfortunately, this is her first weekend off. The weekend nurse is here and she's quiet, in a standoff-ish kind of way. Whereas, Maria is quiet in a don't-want-to-bother-anyone kind of way. Get it? *shrug* haha.
Yah, there's still work that needs to be done aroudn the house. But, it's getting there and we're all getting there.
Just crazy... my mom seems to be getting a little better and my dad seems to be getting significantly worse all of a sudden...
Everything... always... all of a sudden.
Update:: 02/18.1
My dad FINALLY got his bypass surgery done on his leg. It was first scheduled for last Wednesday, then Friday, then Saturday, then they finally got to it yesterday, Sunday, and they didn't even call to let us know that he was finally being taken down. Rediculous. I was so upset. I understand that they only find out when he is going right before being taken. But, they know we've been waiting for days for him to have surgery and it seems to only make sense to notify a family member when a person is about to go into high-risk surgery. Sure, we knew he was going to have it but not when, and it only seems right that someone, at least, be told that he is going down. Ugh, whatever. They had my running around in circles in the hospital trying to find someone who could tell me anything worth while, and I got nothing.
Well, the surgery went well and my dad seemed okay when they brought him back to the room. The nurse told me that if there were any problems, at all, they wouldn't have sent him back to that floor. Honestly, I'm surprised that it went so well but, obviously, very happy. It gives me hope for a good recovery.
But, I will NEVER allow for me to be sent to Inland Valley Hospital. This isn't the first bad experience I've witnessed with them.
We've upped the dosage of my mom's pain medicine because she's been more aggitated this past week. Other than that, she's about the same.
Update:: 02/27
My mom passed away early this morning in her sleep, I believe. I did what I could last night to make her as comfortable as possible not knowing that she could actually be leaving us so soon. Yesterday, she was having a rough day and didn't come out of it throughout the whole day. I didn't really think, or maybe I just didn't want to think that it would happen so soon from just the one short, bad day. I said all that I really needed to say, just in case, and tried to make her as comfortable as possible and sat with her for a while to make sure she was, at least, doing better. I told her I love her and that I'm right here with her and not to worry because I'll take care of everything and everyone because she showed me how. Then, after a while, I took the hospice nurse's advice and went up stairs to try to get some rest after making sure my mom got as comfortable as she could and then her nurse would be out in the morning. Morning came, our live-in nurse checked on my mom and she was gone.
A memorial service will be held on Tuesday, March 4th at 11am at Hope Lutheran Church in Temecula.
I love you, mommy. I love you. ...that's all I can say right now, is that I love you.
Update:: 03/04
It just doesn't feel real. It's like I'm in denial. It's just so hard to believe that she's actually gone.
Today was the memorial service. It was very nice. A lot of people stood up to share their memories of Mom. One of my parents' friends, Bill, said something that just... meant everything. He said that Mom truly made a difference. There are a lot of people that try or want to, but she did.
I am so blessed to have been able to share my mom with so many people whose lives were changed and made better BY her.
I think it's really starting to set in, finally. I don't think I'll sleep well tonight.
Of course, it doesn't help that Joslynn is stil sick and I need to take her to the doc tomorrow. But, that's a whole other... day...
I'm glad she [my mom] is ok, now. I just can't believe she's not here, sleeping in her room and waking up to coffee in the morning.
I love you, mommy.
Update:: 03/08
Wednesday was the hardest day since her passing. It was the day after the memorial service. It was just me and Jos at home. Luckily, I had to take Jos to the doc, so that got me out of the house. When we finally left, I realized how much I didn't want to be at home. All day, all I wanted to do was cry. By the end of the day, I still didn't want to go home, but I didn't have any good reason to stay out and we had to meet Dennis at home already. So, I just did the dumb thing and put my brave face on and went home, no obvious issues.
Last night, I finally really cried, so much that my back aches this morning. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. And, I don't expect it to be the last time.
It's still so unbelievable...
Oh, my dad, need to update about him. He's been at the same skilled nursing facility that my mom was at. He's been there a little over a week, but out of the house for about a month, now.
I feel so bad for him because he didn't get to say goodbye to my mom this time. But, he did get to say it when we had that scare and she was sent to the ER a while back. Suprisingly, he's done really well with the whole situation. In fact, it seems to have really encouraged him even more so to get better. He's really eager to do the physical therapy so that he can get back to walking and being more independent and, then, come home. I really am proud of him; and, I told him that, but he thought I was just being a brat, of course, haha whatever. I think another reason is because he's scared that I'm going to leave. Sad to say, but things will be quite a bit easier, now, and I don't feel as great a need to move. In fact, I want to be here for my dad. But, that's really a whole other issues to get into another time.
Anyway, I'm supposed to go see him today, since no one was able to go yesterday, but Joslynn is still sleeping! haha. We've been trying to keep a close watch on him, just in case some switch flips in his head.