❧ third: silver linings
These past two days have actually been really good for me. Both RL wise and on the RP front. RP front is easy so I'll hit that first, but I really want to talk about my recent days at law school. As several people probably know (or could guess), I'm...not exactly thrilled about being in law school. My apathy has gone to new depths-almost all the way down to China and past it. But things are changing at least a little, and I'll tl;dr about that later.
Oh, and I get to write about video games and how defamation would work for a big research paper thing. HOW IS THAT NOT EXCITING?
Anyway, first RP musings.
rp musings
Ever since the whole LJ fiasco back in December, my motivation to do anything tag related in RP sank. I was more willing to do all the crappy mod work and redo all of
somarium's pages than tag. Granted, I've always enjoyed writing up mod pages (for some reason that can only be masochistic), but basically my mood just plummeted. I had tags sitting for weeks on end before I finally clicked their folders to attempt to at least get one tag in so I can wait another week to tag again. I know many others shared this feeling because the move to DW was pretty stressful.
As of Wednesday, January 25, Somarium is officially on Dreamwidth. Everyone's back to tagging and posting on there and my God, it's like a breath of fresh air. It was like we were just buried under all this shit and muck and we can now finally be free. Moods have lightened CONSIDERABLY. This includes mine. I'm actually happily tagging when I'm just not physically exhausted. Lack of tags isn't because I'm like "Uuugggh do not want" but it's just because I'm tired after class xD I'm actually "Nooo I want to tag...but I don't have energy...sob sob" so this is a good thing! I'm in several new threads and I'm going to make a Tamaki log when I get through with this entry. I can't wait for applications to open so we can have CR Meme, too. If I didn't want new players in on it, I'd just post one up now. But February is going to be exciting game wise-or at least I think it'll be fun.
So yes. My RP mood has risen significantly. It may go down later on in the semester when things get really hectic, but that's okay. The fact that things are actually OKAY right now is such a huge plus compared to the past.
law school musings
As mentioned before, law school isn't my first choice. In fact it's my third to last choice (politics being first, medical second). But I'm the second semester of my second year, so I'm over the halfway mark. Several times I thought about just failing to drop out. Several times I've talked with Dad about how unhappy and apathetic I've been. Seriously, my moods have tanked since I started. My parents know this but on the other hand-what can I do? I'm the type of person who will go with the flow and still do it because I hate quitting despite how much I want to. Chinese pride, I have it in my genes :|
While I'm not excelling (lol I'm barely above the passing GPA mark, okay. I'm a disgrace to all Chinese |D), there are a few highlights that I've gotten this semester. I mentioned two this week, but actually I had one last week, too. I'll start with that one.
Products Liability exam: Okay, this was the very first class in several years since I've gotten a legitimate A in. I've been a B-C student for a very long time, sad to say. Of course it's my fault-I didn't really try. Nor did I care, either. I honestly just don't care about my grades anymore. But when I saw that A on my transcript the very first time, I almost cried in excitement. I just wasn't expecting it. I spent three-four days studying and memorizing those cases and well. It paid off even though I didn't think I did any better or worse while taking the actual exam. And then I hear that most everyone got B+ or A- on theirs, and this is including those who did the extra credit and got a little bump in their grades because of it. Me? I didn't do the extra credit. So that A was purely on the little class participation I did and my effort on the exam. Last Wednesday (Jan 18), I went to look at my exams. When the secretary handed it to me, she said, "There wasn't an answer key, but I think it's because he used yours." And I just kind of stared dumbfounded. I knew I made an A, but best paper? That can't be possible. Surely someone else did. But then I looked at the exam, and on my booklet the following was on there:
Just excellent-not only did you answer the question, you did not just recite cases.
There was also a big "95" circled on the front. Now, I'm not sure if that was the grade or just the number of cases I managed to drop while writing it. Our exam is basically a 7 page fact pattern and we need use all the cases and apply the rules. So the more you can recall, the better. But either way, I could only stare at it. Remember, I've been a B-C student for a long time, and I've never really gotten much praise in my work in the past. So when I saw that and in a field of study that I just do not care about, I was really floored.
The professor who taught the class likes me-not favors, we have another student for that-but I mean he's friendly and encouraging. However, even so our exams are anonymous. He wouldn't know it was me. So this was just...well it really lifted my spirits. Yeah, I did kind of badly on some other exams, and I did pretty good on others. But to do so well in this one? If he wasn't in New Zealand right now, I may have ran into his office and hugged me-a very very uncharacteristic act on my part.
That is how happy I was. That is how much just those simple words and a simple grade did to my spirits. Even if I failed out, I wouldn't care. But I will admit, it did make me think that maybe I should try hard. That maybe it's not so much a lost cause. I really wish I could have talked to him just to express my happiness but...oh well. Maybe it's for the best. I don't want to look that silly sob. So that was highlight #1.
I get to write about video games: For my rigorous writing course, I chose the Freedom of Expression seminar. Basically, we have to write a "rigorous" paper that's akin to like a final research seminar paper for English majors or any other undergrad degree that has a paper for their senior year. Though this one is also qualified to be published in law review journals. I had difficulty trying to think of what kind of topic, but yesterday we were discussing defamation and how it affects public and private figures.
I had already contacted my professor about internet related topics, but I didn't really have anything finalized. So yesterday, I asked in class how would public figures work on the internet? What with people able to share links to blog entries or videos, and people making their "debut" on the internet. If someone were to defamed them, how would that work? And we had a discussion about that (tl;dr-it's unclear but it could follow the same laws depending if the person is considered something like a public figure and how they came to be that way).
This really interested me because it was a complex but also neat little issues. So after class, I approached him and said I really would be interested in doing that kind of topic. He told me that because of my interests, it would be a great topic for me, and we discussed a little more about it. I threw in the example of online gaming, because I was also wondering about how it would work for like small niche communities, and it actually made him pause and think about it. Then he said, "You know, I never really thought about that. It could make for an interesting topic." And I was like "...Really?" He nodded and then basically said that he would totally let me write about it and I could tell from his expression that he thought it was a cool idea, too.
After that, nothing could go wrong. I was just so happy because dammit. Even if I fail my other courses? I get to write a paper on online gaming and about internet public figures. How cool is that!? It's something INTERESTING-something I could put my effort into. Of course I'll have to. Overcome my generic lazy stigma but lol I think once I get started I'll be focusing so much about it I wouldn't want to do anything else. Or at least I hope. (Watch me make an entry crying and whining about it a few weeks down the road.)
General discussion: And finally, I participated more in general discussion. This all happened this week, haha. You see, I'm the student that never says anything, never raises her hand-just tries to hide herself amongst her peers and pray fervently that I'm never called on. I can never think on the spot and I do better if you give me like 10 minutes to absorb the information and think about it. But this time, I tried to go out and actually participate. And I had good results.
The first one was in Public Policy on Monday. It was about Affirmative Action, more specifically the negative effects (the positives were all on Wednesday). I didn't speak up until near the end of class, but I wanted to share my thoughts and my own personal experience with it. Basically, I didn't know about it until I was applying for college, and when I did learn about it, it basically turned me more of a cynic than I already was. I think the concept of AA is great, but how it works in reality isn't always so great. At least for me, I couldn't stop thinking that I was selected or given an advantage because I'm a minority. Even when applying to law school, I often joked that despite my average scores, I'll still have a shot because I'm Asian. I said it jokingly, but it's also sadly true. I continued that belief when I got my scholarship here at Jones. It was ridiculously high-more than I deserved. Can you fault me for thinking that I only god it because I was Asian?
Also, when I graduated from Birmingham-Southern, a photographer came up to me and my family asking if they could take a picture to put on the website. Look, I had no special credentials. I didn't even graduate Cum Laude. There was nothing going for me except for one thing: I was Asian. At least, that's what I immediately thought. And finally, on Troy highway down here, there's a billboard advertising Troy University. You know what it says? "Where East meets West." And you know what it has on there? An Asian girl and a white guy. I am fairly sure that went up after the Hyundai plant was installed here near Montgomery. I saw it a few years ago, but it's still there. I see it every time we drive down to Florida.
Do you know how I felt about all that? Do you know how demeaning and how much of a "poster child" I felt after that? I was just shocked. Instead of creating diversity, it just highlights and bolds the race problem. It makes us stick out. And for Asians it's worse because a majority actually live up to the stereotype that Asians are studious and make top grades. To be frank, a lot of them do. Hell my cousin went to freaking MIT and WITHOUT a scholarship. I had a classmate who was always top of his class. It's a culture thing and it is true. Not everyone, of course, but it is true. We have so much problems because we are competing against each other for that slot. After Prop 209, the admittance rate of Asians skyrocketed in those schools. Why? Because they had the merit. They earned their spots.
Anyway, I know AA is kind of controversial because of what actually it involves and how it came to be so I won't go much further than that. And I kind of segued from my point.
Why this was so great for me is because I could tell from my professor's face that he was EXCITED THAT I WAS TALKING LOL. I've had him in two other classes, I was in his Intellectual Property class last year, so he at least recognizes me. So yeah, I think he was happy I was speaking voluntarily. Or at least I think. Just from that intent look and vigorous nodding-you don't see that often with others. Anyway, I'll probably clam up for the rest of the year, but hey! I spoke at least once.
And then another time was back during my seminar, but I kind of covered that in my paper topic. I was just happy I was actually engaging in the discussion and offering answers when others were silence (though really, it's not that hard to see that the obvious answer why courts don't like giving out IIED rewards is because anyone can get offended by anything, great or small-it's too subjective so you can't really have a good rule about it).
The final one was today in Business Associations. We're separated into groups and my group is slotted to sit in the front row. Sob, I hate sitting in the front row. Not because I'm right up in the professor's face, but I'm right up in the projector's face. That screen is huge. It is better seen from far away and toward the middle. Not up close and toward the left side of the room 8| But I guess sitting in front had advantages. There was a problem up there and he was just posing general questions. I had an opinion. He could clearly see it in my face xD So he kind of nodded to me and asked me what I thought. I felt confident and I just expressed my opinion, alluding to the problem and pointing out the facts. He was nodding the whole time and agreed. And even when he switched the question on me, I was able to come back with a good opinion.
I know all this may sound conceited, but the reason why I have so much low self-confidence is that I don't think anything I say has merit and that what I say will be wrong. So whenever something I say is right or it's not completely dismissed, I feel better about myself. Yeah, feeling better through validation from others isn't exactly great, I know that. But in this case, because it only happens every once in a while? I let it help boost my spirits because by God do I need it.
I honestly do think I'm on the verge of depression if I'm not already depressed. I considered several times to go to counseling or a psychiatrist and even talked to my parents about it. The thing is, I don't think my case is actually worth it (see a pattern here?) and that if I just work hard and try my best, I'll get over it on my own. That it's just a "phase" and that I myself am the problem and just need to smack myself in the head several times to fix it. That and again, I feel like I'll be judged, that I'm a worthless person and blah blah blah. You know the drill.
So when these things happen, things that a normal person wouldn't think too much about, I can't help but feel elated. To feel on top of the world. On an average scale, no, they probably don't amount to much. So they agreed with me, big deal. For any other person, I'd wholeheartedly agree. But for me, for the me that is at this stage of my life? I have to. I have to feel good about this and the fact that I feel so happy-happier than I've felt in months, that's a sign. I believe the last time I felt truly happy was when Clark proposed to me back in September. It's the end of January. I never really felt happy before the engagement.
So...yeah. I know it may sound conceited to someone who doesn't know me. And I try not to talk about this kind of stuff too much because...well. It's not exactly a fun topic and I feel like it's just a bunch of mess that I need to get over with. But if you look at all the scant few entries I've written since the start of law school-this is one of the few HAPPY ones. And the reason why I don't write so much because it's basically been a status quo. Only times I really write something pertaining to my personal life or law school is when something changes. So that is also telling.
I know people have it worse off than me and that's why I try not to really bring this out too much. It's not something for people to worry about-they got their own problems. But this was just something so great that I wanted to write it down somewhere so when I look back and I can be like, "Yeah, this happened." The fact that I'm disclaiming myself is also probably telling of my personality, haha...
But yeah. Next week or the rest of the semester may once again go down hill. But right now? Right now I can feel a little better about myself. And I'm going to take any bits of that little boost of self-esteem that I can.
This entry was originally posted on my DW journal here.
Oh, and I get to write about video games and how defamation would work for a big research paper thing. HOW IS THAT NOT EXCITING?
Anyway, first RP musings.
rp musings
Ever since the whole LJ fiasco back in December, my motivation to do anything tag related in RP sank. I was more willing to do all the crappy mod work and redo all of
somarium's pages than tag. Granted, I've always enjoyed writing up mod pages (for some reason that can only be masochistic), but basically my mood just plummeted. I had tags sitting for weeks on end before I finally clicked their folders to attempt to at least get one tag in so I can wait another week to tag again. I know many others shared this feeling because the move to DW was pretty stressful.
As of Wednesday, January 25, Somarium is officially on Dreamwidth. Everyone's back to tagging and posting on there and my God, it's like a breath of fresh air. It was like we were just buried under all this shit and muck and we can now finally be free. Moods have lightened CONSIDERABLY. This includes mine. I'm actually happily tagging when I'm just not physically exhausted. Lack of tags isn't because I'm like "Uuugggh do not want" but it's just because I'm tired after class xD I'm actually "Nooo I want to tag...but I don't have energy...sob sob" so this is a good thing! I'm in several new threads and I'm going to make a Tamaki log when I get through with this entry. I can't wait for applications to open so we can have CR Meme, too. If I didn't want new players in on it, I'd just post one up now. But February is going to be exciting game wise-or at least I think it'll be fun.
So yes. My RP mood has risen significantly. It may go down later on in the semester when things get really hectic, but that's okay. The fact that things are actually OKAY right now is such a huge plus compared to the past.
law school musings
As mentioned before, law school isn't my first choice. In fact it's my third to last choice (politics being first, medical second). But I'm the second semester of my second year, so I'm over the halfway mark. Several times I thought about just failing to drop out. Several times I've talked with Dad about how unhappy and apathetic I've been. Seriously, my moods have tanked since I started. My parents know this but on the other hand-what can I do? I'm the type of person who will go with the flow and still do it because I hate quitting despite how much I want to. Chinese pride, I have it in my genes :|
While I'm not excelling (lol I'm barely above the passing GPA mark, okay. I'm a disgrace to all Chinese |D), there are a few highlights that I've gotten this semester. I mentioned two this week, but actually I had one last week, too. I'll start with that one.
Products Liability exam: Okay, this was the very first class in several years since I've gotten a legitimate A in. I've been a B-C student for a very long time, sad to say. Of course it's my fault-I didn't really try. Nor did I care, either. I honestly just don't care about my grades anymore. But when I saw that A on my transcript the very first time, I almost cried in excitement. I just wasn't expecting it. I spent three-four days studying and memorizing those cases and well. It paid off even though I didn't think I did any better or worse while taking the actual exam. And then I hear that most everyone got B+ or A- on theirs, and this is including those who did the extra credit and got a little bump in their grades because of it. Me? I didn't do the extra credit. So that A was purely on the little class participation I did and my effort on the exam. Last Wednesday (Jan 18), I went to look at my exams. When the secretary handed it to me, she said, "There wasn't an answer key, but I think it's because he used yours." And I just kind of stared dumbfounded. I knew I made an A, but best paper? That can't be possible. Surely someone else did. But then I looked at the exam, and on my booklet the following was on there:
Just excellent-not only did you answer the question, you did not just recite cases.
There was also a big "95" circled on the front. Now, I'm not sure if that was the grade or just the number of cases I managed to drop while writing it. Our exam is basically a 7 page fact pattern and we need use all the cases and apply the rules. So the more you can recall, the better. But either way, I could only stare at it. Remember, I've been a B-C student for a long time, and I've never really gotten much praise in my work in the past. So when I saw that and in a field of study that I just do not care about, I was really floored.
The professor who taught the class likes me-not favors, we have another student for that-but I mean he's friendly and encouraging. However, even so our exams are anonymous. He wouldn't know it was me. So this was just...well it really lifted my spirits. Yeah, I did kind of badly on some other exams, and I did pretty good on others. But to do so well in this one? If he wasn't in New Zealand right now, I may have ran into his office and hugged me-a very very uncharacteristic act on my part.
That is how happy I was. That is how much just those simple words and a simple grade did to my spirits. Even if I failed out, I wouldn't care. But I will admit, it did make me think that maybe I should try hard. That maybe it's not so much a lost cause. I really wish I could have talked to him just to express my happiness but...oh well. Maybe it's for the best. I don't want to look that silly sob. So that was highlight #1.
I get to write about video games: For my rigorous writing course, I chose the Freedom of Expression seminar. Basically, we have to write a "rigorous" paper that's akin to like a final research seminar paper for English majors or any other undergrad degree that has a paper for their senior year. Though this one is also qualified to be published in law review journals. I had difficulty trying to think of what kind of topic, but yesterday we were discussing defamation and how it affects public and private figures.
I had already contacted my professor about internet related topics, but I didn't really have anything finalized. So yesterday, I asked in class how would public figures work on the internet? What with people able to share links to blog entries or videos, and people making their "debut" on the internet. If someone were to defamed them, how would that work? And we had a discussion about that (tl;dr-it's unclear but it could follow the same laws depending if the person is considered something like a public figure and how they came to be that way).
This really interested me because it was a complex but also neat little issues. So after class, I approached him and said I really would be interested in doing that kind of topic. He told me that because of my interests, it would be a great topic for me, and we discussed a little more about it. I threw in the example of online gaming, because I was also wondering about how it would work for like small niche communities, and it actually made him pause and think about it. Then he said, "You know, I never really thought about that. It could make for an interesting topic." And I was like "...Really?" He nodded and then basically said that he would totally let me write about it and I could tell from his expression that he thought it was a cool idea, too.
After that, nothing could go wrong. I was just so happy because dammit. Even if I fail my other courses? I get to write a paper on online gaming and about internet public figures. How cool is that!? It's something INTERESTING-something I could put my effort into. Of course I'll have to. Overcome my generic lazy stigma but lol I think once I get started I'll be focusing so much about it I wouldn't want to do anything else. Or at least I hope. (Watch me make an entry crying and whining about it a few weeks down the road.)
General discussion: And finally, I participated more in general discussion. This all happened this week, haha. You see, I'm the student that never says anything, never raises her hand-just tries to hide herself amongst her peers and pray fervently that I'm never called on. I can never think on the spot and I do better if you give me like 10 minutes to absorb the information and think about it. But this time, I tried to go out and actually participate. And I had good results.
The first one was in Public Policy on Monday. It was about Affirmative Action, more specifically the negative effects (the positives were all on Wednesday). I didn't speak up until near the end of class, but I wanted to share my thoughts and my own personal experience with it. Basically, I didn't know about it until I was applying for college, and when I did learn about it, it basically turned me more of a cynic than I already was. I think the concept of AA is great, but how it works in reality isn't always so great. At least for me, I couldn't stop thinking that I was selected or given an advantage because I'm a minority. Even when applying to law school, I often joked that despite my average scores, I'll still have a shot because I'm Asian. I said it jokingly, but it's also sadly true. I continued that belief when I got my scholarship here at Jones. It was ridiculously high-more than I deserved. Can you fault me for thinking that I only god it because I was Asian?
Also, when I graduated from Birmingham-Southern, a photographer came up to me and my family asking if they could take a picture to put on the website. Look, I had no special credentials. I didn't even graduate Cum Laude. There was nothing going for me except for one thing: I was Asian. At least, that's what I immediately thought. And finally, on Troy highway down here, there's a billboard advertising Troy University. You know what it says? "Where East meets West." And you know what it has on there? An Asian girl and a white guy. I am fairly sure that went up after the Hyundai plant was installed here near Montgomery. I saw it a few years ago, but it's still there. I see it every time we drive down to Florida.
Do you know how I felt about all that? Do you know how demeaning and how much of a "poster child" I felt after that? I was just shocked. Instead of creating diversity, it just highlights and bolds the race problem. It makes us stick out. And for Asians it's worse because a majority actually live up to the stereotype that Asians are studious and make top grades. To be frank, a lot of them do. Hell my cousin went to freaking MIT and WITHOUT a scholarship. I had a classmate who was always top of his class. It's a culture thing and it is true. Not everyone, of course, but it is true. We have so much problems because we are competing against each other for that slot. After Prop 209, the admittance rate of Asians skyrocketed in those schools. Why? Because they had the merit. They earned their spots.
Anyway, I know AA is kind of controversial because of what actually it involves and how it came to be so I won't go much further than that. And I kind of segued from my point.
Why this was so great for me is because I could tell from my professor's face that he was EXCITED THAT I WAS TALKING LOL. I've had him in two other classes, I was in his Intellectual Property class last year, so he at least recognizes me. So yeah, I think he was happy I was speaking voluntarily. Or at least I think. Just from that intent look and vigorous nodding-you don't see that often with others. Anyway, I'll probably clam up for the rest of the year, but hey! I spoke at least once.
And then another time was back during my seminar, but I kind of covered that in my paper topic. I was just happy I was actually engaging in the discussion and offering answers when others were silence (though really, it's not that hard to see that the obvious answer why courts don't like giving out IIED rewards is because anyone can get offended by anything, great or small-it's too subjective so you can't really have a good rule about it).
The final one was today in Business Associations. We're separated into groups and my group is slotted to sit in the front row. Sob, I hate sitting in the front row. Not because I'm right up in the professor's face, but I'm right up in the projector's face. That screen is huge. It is better seen from far away and toward the middle. Not up close and toward the left side of the room 8| But I guess sitting in front had advantages. There was a problem up there and he was just posing general questions. I had an opinion. He could clearly see it in my face xD So he kind of nodded to me and asked me what I thought. I felt confident and I just expressed my opinion, alluding to the problem and pointing out the facts. He was nodding the whole time and agreed. And even when he switched the question on me, I was able to come back with a good opinion.
I know all this may sound conceited, but the reason why I have so much low self-confidence is that I don't think anything I say has merit and that what I say will be wrong. So whenever something I say is right or it's not completely dismissed, I feel better about myself. Yeah, feeling better through validation from others isn't exactly great, I know that. But in this case, because it only happens every once in a while? I let it help boost my spirits because by God do I need it.
I honestly do think I'm on the verge of depression if I'm not already depressed. I considered several times to go to counseling or a psychiatrist and even talked to my parents about it. The thing is, I don't think my case is actually worth it (see a pattern here?) and that if I just work hard and try my best, I'll get over it on my own. That it's just a "phase" and that I myself am the problem and just need to smack myself in the head several times to fix it. That and again, I feel like I'll be judged, that I'm a worthless person and blah blah blah. You know the drill.
So when these things happen, things that a normal person wouldn't think too much about, I can't help but feel elated. To feel on top of the world. On an average scale, no, they probably don't amount to much. So they agreed with me, big deal. For any other person, I'd wholeheartedly agree. But for me, for the me that is at this stage of my life? I have to. I have to feel good about this and the fact that I feel so happy-happier than I've felt in months, that's a sign. I believe the last time I felt truly happy was when Clark proposed to me back in September. It's the end of January. I never really felt happy before the engagement.
So...yeah. I know it may sound conceited to someone who doesn't know me. And I try not to talk about this kind of stuff too much because...well. It's not exactly a fun topic and I feel like it's just a bunch of mess that I need to get over with. But if you look at all the scant few entries I've written since the start of law school-this is one of the few HAPPY ones. And the reason why I don't write so much because it's basically been a status quo. Only times I really write something pertaining to my personal life or law school is when something changes. So that is also telling.
I know people have it worse off than me and that's why I try not to really bring this out too much. It's not something for people to worry about-they got their own problems. But this was just something so great that I wanted to write it down somewhere so when I look back and I can be like, "Yeah, this happened." The fact that I'm disclaiming myself is also probably telling of my personality, haha...
But yeah. Next week or the rest of the semester may once again go down hill. But right now? Right now I can feel a little better about myself. And I'm going to take any bits of that little boost of self-esteem that I can.
This entry was originally posted on my DW journal here.