(no subject)
Ok, so I can't even do counseling right. Since the nearest center my insurance will cover does not have any counselors available that my insurance is compatible with (what?) I need to re-atempt on Monday with the whole appt bit. Riiiiiight. In the meantime I got a basic rundown on therapy from a phone counselor who works for the EAP with my company. And then, yesterday, since I currently don't have anything scheduled in person for the upcoming week because of the aforementioned insurance conflict, I got a mini session over the phone. They said I am symptomatic of major depressive dissorder or clinical depression and if not currently, I will most likely need medication to manage my depression to avoid major consequences in real life at some point in my life, because I guess most people with clinical depression do. She also said I have seasonal affective dissorder suprise suprise and that my seasonal symptoms can easily trigger a full blown depressive episode. My theory of fuck them all will apparently, so I learned, not help me long term, so I need to learn better coping and self management skills so I deal with all the lousy fucking people I know that I can't seem to get rid of. I was advised not to delve into other people's personal problems at the moment because I can't fix them and I'm just distracting myself from fixing my own problems. I have anger management issues ( that one was funny because I very recently purchased a book about that, so I already recognized that part a little) I need to concentrate on ignoring any personal statement made by any person I work with and instead focusing on positives that I can produce on my own about myself or my life. I was also advised on refocusing on my identity, goals, fears, etc and involve Paul in this. (I haven't had a self-aware thought at least since I bought this house that wasn't something along the lines of how I suck at everything and everything is overwhelming.) I'm supposed to be communicating my doubts to my point people who at this time Paul and my sister because they are the only two people I think will take me seriously. The counselor also suggested that I have anxiety - I told her I've been treated for anxiety and she explained that these problems can't just be shoved in a drawer and never expected to resurface just because I put my xanax away. So I summarized to her that basically I was crazy and she told me no, even having three separate mental health diagnoses did not translate into crazy. I just need help managing things that quote unquote normal functioning people manage without help. But I wonder how many "normal" people there really are, or if normal really is not giving a fuck about anything.
For the seasonal problem she said it should resolve itself with the change of the season but to help it along she suggested I go tanning, which has been suggested to me before but depressed people are not the most motivated people to do stuff that involves as much effort as finding my tanning goggles and driving to a salon would take.
I mentioned that I'm typically ok at work. She theorized that I've been "hiding" my depression for a very long time, so I'm good at faking it- especially in my professional environment. But that's why I have a complete cry in the closet melt down when something goes wrong or I have some sort of mishap. Managing the depression and anxiety will apparently help me avoid those situations and handle them without the use of the closet. She reccomended some sort of regular workout program, a socialization program to avoid sitting home alone and thinking negative thoughts and some sort of relaxation program like yoga to start. So, I guess that's where I'm at. Tomorrow I need to try again to find a clinic and until I get into actual sessions I'm entitled to thirty minute sessions by phone. I'm also supposed to follow up with my medical doctor to discuss medication which I really do not want. Oh yeah, and I'm supposed to journal. Ta da!
I guess that's it for now.
For the seasonal problem she said it should resolve itself with the change of the season but to help it along she suggested I go tanning, which has been suggested to me before but depressed people are not the most motivated people to do stuff that involves as much effort as finding my tanning goggles and driving to a salon would take.
I mentioned that I'm typically ok at work. She theorized that I've been "hiding" my depression for a very long time, so I'm good at faking it- especially in my professional environment. But that's why I have a complete cry in the closet melt down when something goes wrong or I have some sort of mishap. Managing the depression and anxiety will apparently help me avoid those situations and handle them without the use of the closet. She reccomended some sort of regular workout program, a socialization program to avoid sitting home alone and thinking negative thoughts and some sort of relaxation program like yoga to start. So, I guess that's where I'm at. Tomorrow I need to try again to find a clinic and until I get into actual sessions I'm entitled to thirty minute sessions by phone. I'm also supposed to follow up with my medical doctor to discuss medication which I really do not want. Oh yeah, and I'm supposed to journal. Ta da!
I guess that's it for now.