What do these all have in common?
Dolphins, eldergod minions brought forth through well-written literature, a long lasting relationship and car batteries.
They are all elements of the quagmire of dreaming i've experienced over the past two days.
Yesterday, I left work early due to a tightness in my chest, heavy limbs, blurring vision and lethargy. Hilary was kind enough to sit with me while I waited for Phil to pick me up. She patiently waded through my hypochondrial (lj wants this word to be mitochondrial, but I know what I mean, damn it!) ramblings. After some cheap laughs at fibromyalgia"s expense, we came to the conclusion i'm in the first developmental stages of MS. Deep down, we both knew if I had been having a stroke, it would have become apparent in the 45 minutes we waited for Phil to maneuver through traffic. Hilary and I share enough about our personal lives, particularly our emotionally high maintenance boyfriends (i don't say that with disdain), for her to know it probably all comes down to stress.
On the ride back in the car, in response to declaration of the need to find better methods for dealing with my stress, Phil said, "It's not that you don't deal with your stress well, or that you don't deal with it at all. You don't even acknowledge it. babe." This, of course, is almost completely accurate. I do acknowledge my stress sometimes... Like now... Or the post I wrote some time ago.
To be honest, this all comes back around to problems I've had in the past. They were much more drastic back then. Well, I guess they are still drastic since they are effecting my physical health. Anyway, I guess i'm still not taking enough time for myself, not knowing when to stop and sit and just... not for awhile. Apparently, I'm still not sure why I feel the need to just push through things, to put them on the back burner for... some time that's not now (and will probably never arrive). Do I think I can't afford to be stressed? I have too many things too do, too many chores, too much spending time with Phil, too much work not enough money.
Perhaps, it also has something to do with my inability to flow with the punches. I"m the first to get frazzled by any form of.. I was going to use the word upheaval and realized I do think minor things like the sink being clogged and having to do dishes in the bathtub as upheavals. Anything that interrupts my sense of how things should work... freak me out! I'll freak out until things get adjusted, stress about adjusting and then... forget i was ever stressed even though that energy is still lingering inside my body, restricting my capillaries, over working my heart, giving me really fucked up dreams and strange pains in my right elbow. Not only am I hyper tense, my body is schlepping around 15 more lbs than it ever has before. My knees hurt pretty much all the time. Oh! And there's my need to do everything myself because I don't trust others... not that i think they won't do it well. They just won't do it the way I would. I have a sneaking suspicion that's an effect of stress, not a cause. They have definitely been times when I could say fuck it, I don't even care if it doesn't get done at all. I'm usually very content and happy when that happens. It is possible.
Yes yes yes. This all points to exercise that I need to do that I'm not doing. This post is not about what I need to do about it. This post is about admitting I heard my body's message loud and clear. I can't just keep on keeping on.
... But you know what? Phil and Ana are still asleep. I don't have to be to work until 2pm. It's cool but sunny out. I'm going for a nice long walk. Yes. :o)
They are all elements of the quagmire of dreaming i've experienced over the past two days.
Yesterday, I left work early due to a tightness in my chest, heavy limbs, blurring vision and lethargy. Hilary was kind enough to sit with me while I waited for Phil to pick me up. She patiently waded through my hypochondrial (lj wants this word to be mitochondrial, but I know what I mean, damn it!) ramblings. After some cheap laughs at fibromyalgia"s expense, we came to the conclusion i'm in the first developmental stages of MS. Deep down, we both knew if I had been having a stroke, it would have become apparent in the 45 minutes we waited for Phil to maneuver through traffic. Hilary and I share enough about our personal lives, particularly our emotionally high maintenance boyfriends (i don't say that with disdain), for her to know it probably all comes down to stress.
On the ride back in the car, in response to declaration of the need to find better methods for dealing with my stress, Phil said, "It's not that you don't deal with your stress well, or that you don't deal with it at all. You don't even acknowledge it. babe." This, of course, is almost completely accurate. I do acknowledge my stress sometimes... Like now... Or the post I wrote some time ago.
To be honest, this all comes back around to problems I've had in the past. They were much more drastic back then. Well, I guess they are still drastic since they are effecting my physical health. Anyway, I guess i'm still not taking enough time for myself, not knowing when to stop and sit and just... not for awhile. Apparently, I'm still not sure why I feel the need to just push through things, to put them on the back burner for... some time that's not now (and will probably never arrive). Do I think I can't afford to be stressed? I have too many things too do, too many chores, too much spending time with Phil, too much work not enough money.
Perhaps, it also has something to do with my inability to flow with the punches. I"m the first to get frazzled by any form of.. I was going to use the word upheaval and realized I do think minor things like the sink being clogged and having to do dishes in the bathtub as upheavals. Anything that interrupts my sense of how things should work... freak me out! I'll freak out until things get adjusted, stress about adjusting and then... forget i was ever stressed even though that energy is still lingering inside my body, restricting my capillaries, over working my heart, giving me really fucked up dreams and strange pains in my right elbow. Not only am I hyper tense, my body is schlepping around 15 more lbs than it ever has before. My knees hurt pretty much all the time. Oh! And there's my need to do everything myself because I don't trust others... not that i think they won't do it well. They just won't do it the way I would. I have a sneaking suspicion that's an effect of stress, not a cause. They have definitely been times when I could say fuck it, I don't even care if it doesn't get done at all. I'm usually very content and happy when that happens. It is possible.
Yes yes yes. This all points to exercise that I need to do that I'm not doing. This post is not about what I need to do about it. This post is about admitting I heard my body's message loud and clear. I can't just keep on keeping on.
... But you know what? Phil and Ana are still asleep. I don't have to be to work until 2pm. It's cool but sunny out. I'm going for a nice long walk. Yes. :o)