Ambivalence
I wrote this this spring after I broke up with my most recent boyfriend. I hated the ambivalence of being sad for losing something that was bad for me. This is how I tried to deal with it.
It's okay to be conflicted. It means I can still love. I have been capable of it in the past, I am capable of it now, and I will be capable of it in the future. I wish you had been the one for me. It's lonely here without you. I was so proud of you, proud to be with you. Now I've been denying the pain leaving you causes me. I can't admit how much I miss you. I can't acknowledge the pain. The tears won't come. Denying you means the power is yours. Sometimes uncomfortable silence with you was better than my lonely silence now.
I made all these plans that I have to let go of and it's hard. But you're not the one for me. I miss the smell of your face. The feel of your lips will never bore me. Staring at each other gave me such intense peace. Did you ever hear my eyes screaming out "I love you"?
Watching you reach for me in your sleep was devastatingly beautiful and heartbreakingly misleading. It's okay to let myself go letting go of you.
Ambivalence seems to be a theme for me lately.
Quote of Angel
Some guy: "There's a lot of ambivalence in your life."
Angel: "Well, there is and there isn't."
And then last night I was watching the final episodes of season 2.5 of BSG and I was so ambivalent about the elections goings-on (such a great show!!!!) and loved and hated the ambivalence. How meta is that?!
It's okay to be conflicted. It means I can still love. I have been capable of it in the past, I am capable of it now, and I will be capable of it in the future. I wish you had been the one for me. It's lonely here without you. I was so proud of you, proud to be with you. Now I've been denying the pain leaving you causes me. I can't admit how much I miss you. I can't acknowledge the pain. The tears won't come. Denying you means the power is yours. Sometimes uncomfortable silence with you was better than my lonely silence now.
I made all these plans that I have to let go of and it's hard. But you're not the one for me. I miss the smell of your face. The feel of your lips will never bore me. Staring at each other gave me such intense peace. Did you ever hear my eyes screaming out "I love you"?
Watching you reach for me in your sleep was devastatingly beautiful and heartbreakingly misleading. It's okay to let myself go letting go of you.
Ambivalence seems to be a theme for me lately.
Quote of Angel
Some guy: "There's a lot of ambivalence in your life."
Angel: "Well, there is and there isn't."
And then last night I was watching the final episodes of season 2.5 of BSG and I was so ambivalent about the elections goings-on (such a great show!!!!) and loved and hated the ambivalence. How meta is that?!