Captain's Log: Status Update
Depression is a bitch. I've been thinking a lot about my life lately. Suicide feels more and more like a viable option as time goes on. People who say they love me and that I love in return keep telling me that it isn't worth it and that everything will get better soon if I just keep at it.
But what they don't realize is that I don't want to die for me; I want to lift the burden of having to deal with my mental illness from those I love. I'm not easy to deal with, and even less easy to live with. I try so hard to do good everyday.
I'm just to the point where I can't help but feel like it's nothing but a poorly constructed lie that I live. A fake smile here; a well-timed joke there; possibly a few tears thrown in for good measure; a hug to reassure and encourage. And the worst part in all of this is that everyone falls for it. I've gotten so good at pretending I'm fine that people can't tell when I'm dying inside and screaming for something more.
Every relationship I have withers in the end. Lobe doesn't last; my personality disorders take care of that so efficiently that I barely see it happening anymore. When I finally open up and show them my broken parts I'm asked to cover myself out of decency. It hurts.
I can never apologize enough. I can never take it back. I just bleed emotional pain and cry and all anyone can ever say is, "stop." I wish I could. I really do.
I worry that I'm a sociopath and a hypochondriac because I know everything I say and think is crazy, but I can't stop myself from saying or thinking it. It's like lucid dreaming, but someone or thing else is in control and laughing at my pain, and the most terrifying part is that they look and sound like me.
Is this a suicide note? No. I'm too chicken shit anyway. Another reason why I know I'd be better dead rather than wasting air. I just have nowhere else I feel comfortable to post this. Almost all of my friends here are gone. It feels better to make these feelings public without having to get lectures and sympathies from my followers and adds on other sites. I'm just not strong nor brave enough to let them know how much the person who wants so desperately to make everyone smile has problems with getting out of bed even on good days. In dreams, it stops hurting.
But what they don't realize is that I don't want to die for me; I want to lift the burden of having to deal with my mental illness from those I love. I'm not easy to deal with, and even less easy to live with. I try so hard to do good everyday.
I'm just to the point where I can't help but feel like it's nothing but a poorly constructed lie that I live. A fake smile here; a well-timed joke there; possibly a few tears thrown in for good measure; a hug to reassure and encourage. And the worst part in all of this is that everyone falls for it. I've gotten so good at pretending I'm fine that people can't tell when I'm dying inside and screaming for something more.
Every relationship I have withers in the end. Lobe doesn't last; my personality disorders take care of that so efficiently that I barely see it happening anymore. When I finally open up and show them my broken parts I'm asked to cover myself out of decency. It hurts.
I can never apologize enough. I can never take it back. I just bleed emotional pain and cry and all anyone can ever say is, "stop." I wish I could. I really do.
I worry that I'm a sociopath and a hypochondriac because I know everything I say and think is crazy, but I can't stop myself from saying or thinking it. It's like lucid dreaming, but someone or thing else is in control and laughing at my pain, and the most terrifying part is that they look and sound like me.
Is this a suicide note? No. I'm too chicken shit anyway. Another reason why I know I'd be better dead rather than wasting air. I just have nowhere else I feel comfortable to post this. Almost all of my friends here are gone. It feels better to make these feelings public without having to get lectures and sympathies from my followers and adds on other sites. I'm just not strong nor brave enough to let them know how much the person who wants so desperately to make everyone smile has problems with getting out of bed even on good days. In dreams, it stops hurting.