On cultural differences, self identity and experience
Just another time I'm feeling sad. I can't believe it, it's only day 2 back to this stupid country, and I'm already sad. Definetely not my place to be.
If I only knew it would be this way, I would go again to my favorite one. And if not my boyfriend... Party animal =/ I don't even know if I felt him being closer when I was back home. We couldn't really communicate. Time difference, not working cell phones... And now when I'm back, he is away, leaving his own life. I have my own that doesn't really fit it. How should I deal with it?
It seems to me that I'm idealizing people when I'm in good mood, especially when I like those people. I've been speaking with admiration about my boyfriend with every single (haha, word play:) male I knew when I was at home. Since the time I've left, I've been thinking about one guy. Just one message, one talk, couple of looks. I've seen his photo today again. He is so annoying! Why do we have people that atract us even when they drive you angrily crazy? My ex falls into that category too. Every time I see his bitch writing to him, it makes me angry.
I don't know if I'm really over him.
So, these 10 days at home brought me back to happiness and care. Manicure, best friend, home food, favoourite coffee shops, couple of girlfriends, dinners out, warm weather, understanding of everything, curiosity that can be satisfied, comfort bed, quiet room, guys wanting to meet me, new friends and endless respect shown by all peers. I love being at home.
I don't know if I will ever be able to bring that pampering care and friendliness to the country of my residence. I'm not even talking about the one I'm staying now. It's about the place I will live in the future, or alternatively, my dream countries. Will I feel "home" in my dream?
I've started wondering recently if this is what they call identity crisis. My friends and family are in one part of the world, my love and life I admire is in another one. How should I balance my future and my past? What if that future doesn't exist yet and my past is temporarily not available? It's 23.23 here now, all my friends back home are sleeping, as well as family. I can't talk to them now, when I need them the most. Every time I go to Facebook, that shit makes me feel sad. Who the hell has invented that Devil's torture of distant emotions and deep loneliness? I want to end that clusterfuck. Every time, it's a sign.
I had such a good day, reading for about 4 hours about books and publishing, e-readers and cultural studies, feeling inspired and absorbing knowledge. I've been grateful to the sky for allowing me seeing and experiencing all that. Then I went to that fucking bulshit (FB) to see that party has been preponed to tomorrow, when I'm still not ready. I didn't make it to talk to my boyfriend today, I'm not ready for the party, I have to work, and lack of friends here makes me feel damn lonely. This is not my country, I can feel people being different.
I was thinking today, who were nice native people. I could only think of two of them. Two people only of 7 months living in this culture. And both of them are more than 50 years old, and being nice to people is their job. This place is perfect for work, service, consumerism. You're loved, cared, and respected. Especially if you have lots of money. If you are here for sincerity, emotions, friendliness, love, care and honesty, this is the wrong place to be. You won't find it here. Shob, distant, restrained people with light social attitude and no deeper care whatsoever. You can have a nice chat over a drink in pub, but don't expect them to be around when you feel low. Because they could say maximum "I'm sorry", but they don't give a shit about how do you feel. They care about selves only.
I know I can live by myself. I know I am strong and confident enough to go for my goals. I just don't like this environment. It's great I've been here for so long so now I don't have to regret the missed chance of studying here. I know that I've got as much as I could here, but I know I wouldn't like to come back. In fact, I would prefer not to come back at all. If I had a choice, I wouldn't stay here. It's alien to my personality. Their national image doesn't fit with my values and beliefs. I need something else.
I have the whole life ahead to figure out what specifically do I want to be. To do. Where do I want to live. I will have one year to start making first steps toward that direction. I know my friends and family will be around to help me there with it. I just know that this hard time will be over soon, I need to go through it focusing on bright side. And there are a lot of them - proximity of my boyfriend, cheap travels to countries I wanted to visit, rich culture, instant book availability, big choice of clothing brands and cheap enough clothing, easily available fruits and vegs, nice nature, fresh air, my own place of living and freedom. Many people from my country would love to be at my place. And I'm not giving it to them. I will enjoy as much as I can this time. Going to cinemas, live events, shopping, travelling, reading rare expensive books, getting experience and learning about country with different worldview... What a great beginning of my career!
It's a nice country for people like S and my sister. They both are restrained girls, they would feel good here. I don't. I'm emotional creative open caring person. And I'm proud to be myself. I may not fit in, but I enjoy this difference.
Love everything in the situation you are. It will only happen once, but if offers you great chance to improve yourself through new experience. Any insight you're gaining now will later become part of your personality, so unique and defined by your personal background, that you should be able to store that "Self-ness" and fully use your peculiarities. It's a great pleasure to be yourself, especially when you had a chance to live trhough something others didn't. It's especially interesting when it includes obstacles, barriers and crisis. People get curious at what was happening there that made you uncomfortable. And they also want to know what did you get from it, i.e. what did you learn now after those times. So, do enjoy your life no matter what it's bringing. And later you will be able to write the story of your life, captivating adventure of Individual.
If I only knew it would be this way, I would go again to my favorite one. And if not my boyfriend... Party animal =/ I don't even know if I felt him being closer when I was back home. We couldn't really communicate. Time difference, not working cell phones... And now when I'm back, he is away, leaving his own life. I have my own that doesn't really fit it. How should I deal with it?
It seems to me that I'm idealizing people when I'm in good mood, especially when I like those people. I've been speaking with admiration about my boyfriend with every single (haha, word play:) male I knew when I was at home. Since the time I've left, I've been thinking about one guy. Just one message, one talk, couple of looks. I've seen his photo today again. He is so annoying! Why do we have people that atract us even when they drive you angrily crazy? My ex falls into that category too. Every time I see his bitch writing to him, it makes me angry.
I don't know if I'm really over him.
So, these 10 days at home brought me back to happiness and care. Manicure, best friend, home food, favoourite coffee shops, couple of girlfriends, dinners out, warm weather, understanding of everything, curiosity that can be satisfied, comfort bed, quiet room, guys wanting to meet me, new friends and endless respect shown by all peers. I love being at home.
I don't know if I will ever be able to bring that pampering care and friendliness to the country of my residence. I'm not even talking about the one I'm staying now. It's about the place I will live in the future, or alternatively, my dream countries. Will I feel "home" in my dream?
I've started wondering recently if this is what they call identity crisis. My friends and family are in one part of the world, my love and life I admire is in another one. How should I balance my future and my past? What if that future doesn't exist yet and my past is temporarily not available? It's 23.23 here now, all my friends back home are sleeping, as well as family. I can't talk to them now, when I need them the most. Every time I go to Facebook, that shit makes me feel sad. Who the hell has invented that Devil's torture of distant emotions and deep loneliness? I want to end that clusterfuck. Every time, it's a sign.
I had such a good day, reading for about 4 hours about books and publishing, e-readers and cultural studies, feeling inspired and absorbing knowledge. I've been grateful to the sky for allowing me seeing and experiencing all that. Then I went to that fucking bulshit (FB) to see that party has been preponed to tomorrow, when I'm still not ready. I didn't make it to talk to my boyfriend today, I'm not ready for the party, I have to work, and lack of friends here makes me feel damn lonely. This is not my country, I can feel people being different.
I was thinking today, who were nice native people. I could only think of two of them. Two people only of 7 months living in this culture. And both of them are more than 50 years old, and being nice to people is their job. This place is perfect for work, service, consumerism. You're loved, cared, and respected. Especially if you have lots of money. If you are here for sincerity, emotions, friendliness, love, care and honesty, this is the wrong place to be. You won't find it here. Shob, distant, restrained people with light social attitude and no deeper care whatsoever. You can have a nice chat over a drink in pub, but don't expect them to be around when you feel low. Because they could say maximum "I'm sorry", but they don't give a shit about how do you feel. They care about selves only.
I know I can live by myself. I know I am strong and confident enough to go for my goals. I just don't like this environment. It's great I've been here for so long so now I don't have to regret the missed chance of studying here. I know that I've got as much as I could here, but I know I wouldn't like to come back. In fact, I would prefer not to come back at all. If I had a choice, I wouldn't stay here. It's alien to my personality. Their national image doesn't fit with my values and beliefs. I need something else.
I have the whole life ahead to figure out what specifically do I want to be. To do. Where do I want to live. I will have one year to start making first steps toward that direction. I know my friends and family will be around to help me there with it. I just know that this hard time will be over soon, I need to go through it focusing on bright side. And there are a lot of them - proximity of my boyfriend, cheap travels to countries I wanted to visit, rich culture, instant book availability, big choice of clothing brands and cheap enough clothing, easily available fruits and vegs, nice nature, fresh air, my own place of living and freedom. Many people from my country would love to be at my place. And I'm not giving it to them. I will enjoy as much as I can this time. Going to cinemas, live events, shopping, travelling, reading rare expensive books, getting experience and learning about country with different worldview... What a great beginning of my career!
It's a nice country for people like S and my sister. They both are restrained girls, they would feel good here. I don't. I'm emotional creative open caring person. And I'm proud to be myself. I may not fit in, but I enjoy this difference.
Love everything in the situation you are. It will only happen once, but if offers you great chance to improve yourself through new experience. Any insight you're gaining now will later become part of your personality, so unique and defined by your personal background, that you should be able to store that "Self-ness" and fully use your peculiarities. It's a great pleasure to be yourself, especially when you had a chance to live trhough something others didn't. It's especially interesting when it includes obstacles, barriers and crisis. People get curious at what was happening there that made you uncomfortable. And they also want to know what did you get from it, i.e. what did you learn now after those times. So, do enjoy your life no matter what it's bringing. And later you will be able to write the story of your life, captivating adventure of Individual.