Getting back on track...
It's been over a month since my last post and I'm nearly that far behind in reading my friends page; I fear I will not be able to catch up, so I am just going to start over.
The last thirteen months, in a nutshell, have been stressful, upsetting and difficult for me to deal with.
It started in November 2005 with the suicide of my brother-in-law. A police officer with many years, reputation and status on the force, he had been in Homicide for quite some time. We saw him on tv investigating the deaths of two children, killed by their own father, in fact. The job was a stressful one and finally took its toll on the perfectionist who felt he could not reach out for help, so ended it all with his own police issue gun. His death was a great shock to us all and devastating to the family, but it has since galvanized our ties with each other more strongly than ever before.
May 2006, just six months later, we lost my great-aunt to age, a body left frail after a long battle with cancer, and dementia. She was a Lady in the truest sense of the word; I will always remember going to her house for tea and biscuits with Mom, my aunt and grandmother. Kind, gentle and never having a cross word for anyone, she is one who will never be forgotten.
October 2006 saw the passing of my grandmother-in-law, also another great Lady. I do mean the capitals intentionally. An artist and a teacher, she had a sharp mind and wit to the very end at the young age of 99, though her body had begun to fail her years before. I will never forget our half-hour long discussion about Monet's 'Water Lilies' paintings in her room. Every time I look upon one of her paintings or sculptures, I am reminded of her vibrant spirit.
November 2006 brought the passing of my husband's cousin, whom I had never had the chance to meet. Although this was not a time of personal grief, I mourned for my husband's family who have already suffered so much loss in the twelve months since my brother-in-law's passing. Seeing them in such pain was heart-breaking. She was, from what I understand, a beautiful, bright, intelligent, kind person who is sorely missed. I am sorry I never got a chance to meet her, but she lived in another country. But I will get to know her in the memories others share with me.
December 2006 was particularly difficult for us, as we saw the passings of two dear friends, both young and filled with promise. The first was a person I had met in the SCA, and although I did not know him as well as I might have liked to, he still made an impression on me. My husband knew him well. The loss of this man came as a shock to us all and to those around us. I grieved for his wife and little girl, for his family, for his friends; but I smiled as I remembered the big 'teddy-bear'-like guy running away with me from a 'big' spider someone pointed out on a tent at a camping trip, both of us screaming like little girls... *smiles*
And the second passing in December came just before Christmas but news did not reach me until days after the holidays: a dear friend from university. I had lost contact with him because he moved away, but I will never forget him. Cancer claimed him but will never claim the good times and memories. I will never forget being in that bar that one night, suddenly surrounded on the dancefloor by a couple of angry, drunk guys waving beer bottles near my head (at each other, but I was in the way)... only to be yanked out from between these guys, tossed against a wall and shielded bodily by my friend and a few other guys as these two idiots went at it. He took a shot in the gut for me. That sort of thing, you are always eternally grateful for. I was only able to grieve for him over the weekend.
On top of this, uncertainty has crept into my workplace due to vaguely alluded-to "transformations" which are coming in the "near future".
Family concerns are also troubling / stressful: Mom's health is the worst it's ever been and even her doctor is "worried". Dad goes in for his hip replacement next week, I think it is. My brother's RGD portfolio review is this month and finds out in the next month or two whether or not he needs repeat jaw surgery.
I also realize there are others who have had it 'worse off', but this is not a contest. I do not mention these things to say 'my life sucks worse than yours!' but to finally examine what has happened and let it go. It is also to explain where I have been, what I have been up to, why I have not been as 'engaged' in various projects or even some conversations, why I have perhaps played WoW more than usual/more than I should rather than reading or roleplaying or socializing, why I have been more blunt than usual or unusually 'cranky' or any other potentially odd/strange behaviours I may have been displaying... *takes a breath*
I have been emotionally numb and mentally scattered for a long time because of all of this. I have felt very much overwhelmed and under great deals of pressure because I know I am not paying as much attention to things as I should be.
With the hard things said now and hopefully put behind me (but not forgotten), here are the more positive things I am working toward:
So, it's a start. I have a ways to go yet before I get things in order and this doesn't address socializing and such, but that's in there as 'plans', too. Just not sure when they're going to fall into place. But for now, I'm going to focus on my family and trying to get the above items sorted out.
As for work, I'm not going to worry about it for now because there's nothing I can do about it. If I'm slotted to lose my job, I'm slotted to lose my job. I can't change it and I'm not worrying about it until if/when it happens. I have to cut back on my stress somehow because it's affecting my health (I've gained weight and I'm not sleeping) and is sucking away my energy so I have little capacity to do much other than sit and play games. I'm sure that this stress is what triggered the asthma attack I had last week and the six-day headache and the migraine on New Year's Day. And so, I'm going to try to sit back, take a couple of days to regroup, and start getting my life in order.
*looks to the universe* Think we can do that before you throw anymore curve-balls at me? Hm? Thanks.
The last thirteen months, in a nutshell, have been stressful, upsetting and difficult for me to deal with.
It started in November 2005 with the suicide of my brother-in-law. A police officer with many years, reputation and status on the force, he had been in Homicide for quite some time. We saw him on tv investigating the deaths of two children, killed by their own father, in fact. The job was a stressful one and finally took its toll on the perfectionist who felt he could not reach out for help, so ended it all with his own police issue gun. His death was a great shock to us all and devastating to the family, but it has since galvanized our ties with each other more strongly than ever before.
May 2006, just six months later, we lost my great-aunt to age, a body left frail after a long battle with cancer, and dementia. She was a Lady in the truest sense of the word; I will always remember going to her house for tea and biscuits with Mom, my aunt and grandmother. Kind, gentle and never having a cross word for anyone, she is one who will never be forgotten.
October 2006 saw the passing of my grandmother-in-law, also another great Lady. I do mean the capitals intentionally. An artist and a teacher, she had a sharp mind and wit to the very end at the young age of 99, though her body had begun to fail her years before. I will never forget our half-hour long discussion about Monet's 'Water Lilies' paintings in her room. Every time I look upon one of her paintings or sculptures, I am reminded of her vibrant spirit.
November 2006 brought the passing of my husband's cousin, whom I had never had the chance to meet. Although this was not a time of personal grief, I mourned for my husband's family who have already suffered so much loss in the twelve months since my brother-in-law's passing. Seeing them in such pain was heart-breaking. She was, from what I understand, a beautiful, bright, intelligent, kind person who is sorely missed. I am sorry I never got a chance to meet her, but she lived in another country. But I will get to know her in the memories others share with me.
December 2006 was particularly difficult for us, as we saw the passings of two dear friends, both young and filled with promise. The first was a person I had met in the SCA, and although I did not know him as well as I might have liked to, he still made an impression on me. My husband knew him well. The loss of this man came as a shock to us all and to those around us. I grieved for his wife and little girl, for his family, for his friends; but I smiled as I remembered the big 'teddy-bear'-like guy running away with me from a 'big' spider someone pointed out on a tent at a camping trip, both of us screaming like little girls... *smiles*
And the second passing in December came just before Christmas but news did not reach me until days after the holidays: a dear friend from university. I had lost contact with him because he moved away, but I will never forget him. Cancer claimed him but will never claim the good times and memories. I will never forget being in that bar that one night, suddenly surrounded on the dancefloor by a couple of angry, drunk guys waving beer bottles near my head (at each other, but I was in the way)... only to be yanked out from between these guys, tossed against a wall and shielded bodily by my friend and a few other guys as these two idiots went at it. He took a shot in the gut for me. That sort of thing, you are always eternally grateful for. I was only able to grieve for him over the weekend.
On top of this, uncertainty has crept into my workplace due to vaguely alluded-to "transformations" which are coming in the "near future".
Family concerns are also troubling / stressful: Mom's health is the worst it's ever been and even her doctor is "worried". Dad goes in for his hip replacement next week, I think it is. My brother's RGD portfolio review is this month and finds out in the next month or two whether or not he needs repeat jaw surgery.
I also realize there are others who have had it 'worse off', but this is not a contest. I do not mention these things to say 'my life sucks worse than yours!' but to finally examine what has happened and let it go. It is also to explain where I have been, what I have been up to, why I have not been as 'engaged' in various projects or even some conversations, why I have perhaps played WoW more than usual/more than I should rather than reading or roleplaying or socializing, why I have been more blunt than usual or unusually 'cranky' or any other potentially odd/strange behaviours I may have been displaying... *takes a breath*
I have been emotionally numb and mentally scattered for a long time because of all of this. I have felt very much overwhelmed and under great deals of pressure because I know I am not paying as much attention to things as I should be.
With the hard things said now and hopefully put behind me (but not forgotten), here are the more positive things I am working toward:
- WORK - Emerging Technologies Group: We are going forward with our project and I just found out that I have been put 'in charge' to head the section on 'gaming and virtual worlds'. So I need to start research on this (more in a near-future posting).
- SCHOOL - I have emailed the local college regarding their Webmaster's Certificate and prior learning assessment program and am expecting something in the mail shortly regarding all of this (or at least the prior learning bit; still waiting to hear back from Distance Education).
- HOME - I have recently started to try to get back on track. I have been sick for a month, so things such as dusting, vacuuming, sweeping, etc. haven't exactly been done consistently. Bathroom, kitchen, garbages, etc. get cleaned regularly but the other things have slid considerably, and the place is no longer 'tidy'. Began with the dusting on the weekend until my lungs started bothering me. Moved to tidying my desk and putting away my Christmas gifts. Baked some muffins so that I had pre-made breakfasts for most of the weekend/beginning of this week.
- TECH/COMPUTERS - Installed hardware in the spare machine so I can start getting my computers in order and backed up things that needed backing up. It's a start. Should be getting my new keyboard this week (it's sitting at the postal outlet; just need to pick it up). Got the external drive installed and it's being used as the backup/data storage unit. Looking to perhaps change the one laptop into storage / backup or into the Linux box and using the other machine for storage. Will see.
- WEB - Found all my files for the website projects I've been working on and backed them so they're easy to access again. Started working on my personal site, and that includes finally getting my work schedule updated for this term so Mom has access to that info. Signed up to Flickr so that I could get slideshows of my photos and sketches linked right into my website. Working on pulling my Facebook, LibraryThing, 43Things, Flickr, Trumba calendar, Wordpress blog and my sites / wikis, etc. into the personal site.
- GAMING - Starting to brainstorm on Thermal with Sktas -- probably going with a theme/setting change, but we're hoping to yank some of the building stuff from the old grid and revamping it a bit to fit the new grid. Either way, we're not getting rid of the old grid -- we may have a use for it yet. Need to get RPing in XMR again and posting. Need to work on policies for TBC (had a good start in December on stuff and then dropped the ball again). Need to figure out what I want to do with OGR. People are using it, but... do I want to continue with it as it is? Need to get caught up there. Trying to get my main WoW char up to level 58 so I have one char that can go through the dark portal when it opens, but I won't get this before the expansion comes out, sadly.
- WRITING/READING - Starting to get that writing itch again. Might pick up the book again, since a co-worker poked at me about it last month (I left her hanging with the last chapter). I have no intention of getting it published; just down on paper and out of my head. Started reading again. Had dropped Broken Angels a while ago but it's sitting in the 'library', so why not read while in there? I started Neverwhere (Gaiman) a few weeks ago, but it's on hold right now.
So, it's a start. I have a ways to go yet before I get things in order and this doesn't address socializing and such, but that's in there as 'plans', too. Just not sure when they're going to fall into place. But for now, I'm going to focus on my family and trying to get the above items sorted out.
As for work, I'm not going to worry about it for now because there's nothing I can do about it. If I'm slotted to lose my job, I'm slotted to lose my job. I can't change it and I'm not worrying about it until if/when it happens. I have to cut back on my stress somehow because it's affecting my health (I've gained weight and I'm not sleeping) and is sucking away my energy so I have little capacity to do much other than sit and play games. I'm sure that this stress is what triggered the asthma attack I had last week and the six-day headache and the migraine on New Year's Day. And so, I'm going to try to sit back, take a couple of days to regroup, and start getting my life in order.
*looks to the universe* Think we can do that before you throw anymore curve-balls at me? Hm? Thanks.