New Chapter
As I enter into yet another chapter in my life.. which feels an awful lot like a previous chapter... lets just hope this one has a different ending. I have come to the decision to start blogging my thoughts again as i go through all this crap I undoubtedly will have to wade through.. and I realize I don't care if anyone reads this.. This is being spilled out of my head for my benefit and sanity. That begin said.. Lets begin.
Dating Blows. Big time. You decide to re-enter the swimming pool because you become tired of living your life in a state of suspended animation waiting for an epiphany to happen... unfortunately.. the epiphany has to hit someone else and not you.. so you get left waiting for what may never come. As much as one would gladly wait until the moon crashed into the sun for certain things... there comes a point when you realize everything done and waited for might be all for nothing.. When life closes one door it opens another right?... Well... That may be so.. But there are some doors that remain open forever.. its just a matter if you have the courage to walk through it when you realize its the door you were meant to find. That being said.. We move on to the next door and DAYUM... There are some sad pathetic doors out there.. I feel a distinct change in who I am and how I approach the situation I find myself in versus who I was and how i felt About a year and a month or so ago. Back then I suppose you could consider my desperate to find love after the dissolution of what may as well be considered a marriage.. only no paperwork or legalities.. However in my heart it was as devestating as a divorce. It took a toll on my emotions, my body, my esteem.. There was no part of me it didnt touch. So What did I do? Went on a dating marathon to fill the void in my heart, desperate to find my soul mate.. Only to have my fragile heart broken and stepped on several more times before I finally said I'm done... Low and behold that very day Fate slapped me in the face. At my darkest moment I received the one person I was ever truely honest with and loved to a core of myself I didnt even realize existed. And though the relationship only officially lasted for 6 months and continued on being tormenting for another 6(so, currently).. I know what I want from another person finally because I have finally seen who I am.. or at least a part of who I am supposed to be.. whether or not this person is "The one" and the timing is just fucked up... or he was only a glimps of what I should be looking for... I have learned so much from everything that happened... and one of those things is what to care about and what not to. Which leads me to my current outlook on dating and my amusing observations.. Before editing my profile on a certain dating site.. I read over what was originally there and No wonder everything always went sour. I cared too much about the wrong things.. Now as I find myself not giving a crap over if i find anyone or end up a old cat lady at 30... I find myself more sought out bizarrely enough.. The quality hasnt changed very much but the quantity certainly has. I even had some random guy try to get me to meet and marry his brother so i could travel europe!.. Creepy huh? Well it was. I almost feel bad for the people just trying to connect to me... Its not their fault I dont care anymore and What i do care about has made me very discriminate in what I'm looking for.. Oh well... Dating is more like a shark tank full of chum than a docile goldfish pond anyways. Am I right? Yes.
I find myself amused by the things that people deem "right" to say to get a desired reation or response... One "guy" thought it would be irresisteble for me to not respond to him because he observed that I can cook so I should "cook him sumttin cuz hes starvin"..... First lets have an english and grammar lesson... Then.. lets teach you manners you friggen bohemoth. Seriously? Men think this crap works?.. Next... If your trying to get my attention... Notice more than my pretty face and CERTAINLY dont mention how "cute" or "pretty" I am and most definitly not until you at least meet me in person.. For all you know I am a master photo-editor and I have shooped all the pictures and rickrolled your dumbass into propositioning a whale.That isnt the case as those of you that know me.. BUT STILL. Its the Internet.. and we all know the Internet never lies! NEVER!
I find while I may not be completely at ease with my decision to start dating again after clearly finding my hearts home..I can at least take comfort in the fact this go-round will be much more amusing and who knows.. as I cataloge everything that happens from here out.. Maybe i can use all of it for a memoir style book in a few years.. That could be Really entertaining! Making money off of other peoples idiocy... Thats a new one..
On a more serious and personal note.. my current emotional dilema is more along the lines of that I feel guilty for what I'm doing.. that because I'm still very clearly very much in love with essentially a ghost..that I shouldnt be doing what I feel i need to do to push myself over this speed bump. Perhaps in time this feeling will diminish.. maybe it will get worse.. who knows? What ever happens will happen exactly the way it is supposed to whether I like it or not. As I said this morning before the coffee kicked in I had a rare philisophical moment... afterwhich I was accused of drinking before 9:30am..Bah! Anyways... What I said was "But we do have to deal with this crap. Its what life had planned for us since the dawn of time to help us grow into who we are supposed to die as." Deep considering it came from a blonde Right? :)
Well I think that sums up my internal monologue for today... I will return when I have another Presidential speech on the rigors and potholes of dating.. or just life in general.
Ta!
Dating Blows. Big time. You decide to re-enter the swimming pool because you become tired of living your life in a state of suspended animation waiting for an epiphany to happen... unfortunately.. the epiphany has to hit someone else and not you.. so you get left waiting for what may never come. As much as one would gladly wait until the moon crashed into the sun for certain things... there comes a point when you realize everything done and waited for might be all for nothing.. When life closes one door it opens another right?... Well... That may be so.. But there are some doors that remain open forever.. its just a matter if you have the courage to walk through it when you realize its the door you were meant to find. That being said.. We move on to the next door and DAYUM... There are some sad pathetic doors out there.. I feel a distinct change in who I am and how I approach the situation I find myself in versus who I was and how i felt About a year and a month or so ago. Back then I suppose you could consider my desperate to find love after the dissolution of what may as well be considered a marriage.. only no paperwork or legalities.. However in my heart it was as devestating as a divorce. It took a toll on my emotions, my body, my esteem.. There was no part of me it didnt touch. So What did I do? Went on a dating marathon to fill the void in my heart, desperate to find my soul mate.. Only to have my fragile heart broken and stepped on several more times before I finally said I'm done... Low and behold that very day Fate slapped me in the face. At my darkest moment I received the one person I was ever truely honest with and loved to a core of myself I didnt even realize existed. And though the relationship only officially lasted for 6 months and continued on being tormenting for another 6(so, currently).. I know what I want from another person finally because I have finally seen who I am.. or at least a part of who I am supposed to be.. whether or not this person is "The one" and the timing is just fucked up... or he was only a glimps of what I should be looking for... I have learned so much from everything that happened... and one of those things is what to care about and what not to. Which leads me to my current outlook on dating and my amusing observations.. Before editing my profile on a certain dating site.. I read over what was originally there and No wonder everything always went sour. I cared too much about the wrong things.. Now as I find myself not giving a crap over if i find anyone or end up a old cat lady at 30... I find myself more sought out bizarrely enough.. The quality hasnt changed very much but the quantity certainly has. I even had some random guy try to get me to meet and marry his brother so i could travel europe!.. Creepy huh? Well it was. I almost feel bad for the people just trying to connect to me... Its not their fault I dont care anymore and What i do care about has made me very discriminate in what I'm looking for.. Oh well... Dating is more like a shark tank full of chum than a docile goldfish pond anyways. Am I right? Yes.
I find myself amused by the things that people deem "right" to say to get a desired reation or response... One "guy" thought it would be irresisteble for me to not respond to him because he observed that I can cook so I should "cook him sumttin cuz hes starvin"..... First lets have an english and grammar lesson... Then.. lets teach you manners you friggen bohemoth. Seriously? Men think this crap works?.. Next... If your trying to get my attention... Notice more than my pretty face and CERTAINLY dont mention how "cute" or "pretty" I am and most definitly not until you at least meet me in person.. For all you know I am a master photo-editor and I have shooped all the pictures and rickrolled your dumbass into propositioning a whale.That isnt the case as those of you that know me.. BUT STILL. Its the Internet.. and we all know the Internet never lies! NEVER!
I find while I may not be completely at ease with my decision to start dating again after clearly finding my hearts home..I can at least take comfort in the fact this go-round will be much more amusing and who knows.. as I cataloge everything that happens from here out.. Maybe i can use all of it for a memoir style book in a few years.. That could be Really entertaining! Making money off of other peoples idiocy... Thats a new one..
On a more serious and personal note.. my current emotional dilema is more along the lines of that I feel guilty for what I'm doing.. that because I'm still very clearly very much in love with essentially a ghost..that I shouldnt be doing what I feel i need to do to push myself over this speed bump. Perhaps in time this feeling will diminish.. maybe it will get worse.. who knows? What ever happens will happen exactly the way it is supposed to whether I like it or not. As I said this morning before the coffee kicked in I had a rare philisophical moment... afterwhich I was accused of drinking before 9:30am..Bah! Anyways... What I said was "But we do have to deal with this crap. Its what life had planned for us since the dawn of time to help us grow into who we are supposed to die as." Deep considering it came from a blonde Right? :)
Well I think that sums up my internal monologue for today... I will return when I have another Presidential speech on the rigors and potholes of dating.. or just life in general.
Ta!