(no subject)
Maybe this will let something loose inside of me and I will find a part of myself again that I thought that I had lost.
Maybe the place where all the words are hiding will open up and I will be able to write again, the way I used to when the words and stories would just appear in my head and the characters would start walking off on their own and I would just be typing furiously just to follow them into the story they were making.
Maybe it is easier this time because I have been here before and this time it is shorter road to peace. For me at least. I still ache with the hurt that this will cause my little boy, but I am trying to have a little faith in him right now that he will weather this storm better than I imagine. At least in the long run.
But when he is sleeping and I start looking back, farther and farther now, I remember that there were things that I was before I was a wife and a mother. There were things that I will never be again because they were truly awful, but there are also things that I was that I loved loved loved about myself. And I was alone when I was all of those things, and it didn't matter. I was okay. Some days I bordered on fabulous.
I don't regret this past year that I tried to put my marriage back together, even if it didn't work. I am in a better place than I was last year. I think we all are. I know that things will probably get worse before they start to get better and that there will be a lot of adjustments for everyone involved, but I have let go of a lot of the anger that I was holding on to and I would like to think that I just might be a better person by the time I get to the other side of this.
Maybe the place where all the words are hiding will open up and I will be able to write again, the way I used to when the words and stories would just appear in my head and the characters would start walking off on their own and I would just be typing furiously just to follow them into the story they were making.
Maybe it is easier this time because I have been here before and this time it is shorter road to peace. For me at least. I still ache with the hurt that this will cause my little boy, but I am trying to have a little faith in him right now that he will weather this storm better than I imagine. At least in the long run.
But when he is sleeping and I start looking back, farther and farther now, I remember that there were things that I was before I was a wife and a mother. There were things that I will never be again because they were truly awful, but there are also things that I was that I loved loved loved about myself. And I was alone when I was all of those things, and it didn't matter. I was okay. Some days I bordered on fabulous.
I don't regret this past year that I tried to put my marriage back together, even if it didn't work. I am in a better place than I was last year. I think we all are. I know that things will probably get worse before they start to get better and that there will be a lot of adjustments for everyone involved, but I have let go of a lot of the anger that I was holding on to and I would like to think that I just might be a better person by the time I get to the other side of this.