A Part of All I Have Met
I thought, up until very recently, that I had moved on from Ridgeville and what happened there. Not that I had forgotten it, but that I had accepted the loss and continued on with my life. It's been three years, after all; surely the wounds have healed.
Then last week, as I freaking bawled my eyes out over the final episode of Yu-Gi-Oh, it occurred to me that perhaps I haven't moved on as much as I'd thought.
I didn't understand why those scenes hit me so hard at first. For crying out loud, it's a show revolving around a children's card game. But as I sat and journaled, examining exactly what had gone on there, I understood why it hurt. I have been there, watching friends walk away, and not knowing if I will ever see them again.
It wasn't until the last five minutes or so, when Atem started to walk through the portal, that I really broke down. Tea's heartbroken speech particularly struck a chord in me:
"I know walking through that door means your spirit will be free, and that it's for the best, but it doesn't seem fair! I feel like we were all just getting to know you... I know I should be happy for you, but it's hard when you're losing your best friend, and you don't understand why it has to be that way!"
For me, having to walk away from Ridgeville was one of the hardest things I'd ever done. I didn't understand either - I don't think anyone did. Sure, there were things that I hated about it, and people I don't miss at all; but overall, wasn't it a good thing? Why did it have to be taken away from us?
After my school closed, the only way I knew how to deal was to block out the pain - by blocking out everything. I kept in contact with Carly and a handful of other people, but for the most part, I filed my memories away. To me, the school was gone, and it wsn't coming back. I knew that, and I knew I had to move on with my life. Clinging to the past and bemoaning my change in situation wouldn't solve anything; I thought it would be best to just leave it be and focus on the future.
I was wrong.
Just like last year, one of the first things I did today was read "Ulysses" by Tennyson. These lines jumped off the page at me, and I think they are especially pertinent:
"All times have I enjoyed greatly, suffered greatly...I am a part of all I have met; Yet all experience is an arch wherethrough gleams that untravelled world, whose margin fades for ever and for ever when I move."
Regardless of my attempts to bury the past, I never really left Ridgeville behind. Everything I went through - everyone I met - has shaped me and my views on life. The friends I made taught me to treasure life and the relationships I make. The people who made life rough for me only made me more resilient, and taught me that just because something or someone is different, that does not automatically make them wrong. Carly gave me joy; Mrs. Lauver gave me knitting; Sami gave me the ability to cut loose and have fun. Even though Ridgeville is gone, what it gave me is still here.
And that is why Joey's last words made me sob:
"I know true friends may be hard to leave, but they're impossible to forget. Even though you won't stay as long as we'd like, we're lucky to know you at all... I hate to break the news to you, but you're not going anywhere, because everything you've given us is staying right here, in our hearts."
I am a part of all I have met. "Though much is taken, much abides." Moving on doesn't require forgetting everything that's happened and everyone I've met. Rather, it's more important to hold onto the good and let the bad pass away. Taking the best parts of my experiences allows me to move with confidence through that gleaming arch, because I know what I have been given is priceless.
Goodbye may seem forever
Farewell is like the end
But in my heart's a memory
And there you'll always be
Then last week, as I freaking bawled my eyes out over the final episode of Yu-Gi-Oh, it occurred to me that perhaps I haven't moved on as much as I'd thought.
I didn't understand why those scenes hit me so hard at first. For crying out loud, it's a show revolving around a children's card game. But as I sat and journaled, examining exactly what had gone on there, I understood why it hurt. I have been there, watching friends walk away, and not knowing if I will ever see them again.
It wasn't until the last five minutes or so, when Atem started to walk through the portal, that I really broke down. Tea's heartbroken speech particularly struck a chord in me:
"I know walking through that door means your spirit will be free, and that it's for the best, but it doesn't seem fair! I feel like we were all just getting to know you... I know I should be happy for you, but it's hard when you're losing your best friend, and you don't understand why it has to be that way!"
For me, having to walk away from Ridgeville was one of the hardest things I'd ever done. I didn't understand either - I don't think anyone did. Sure, there were things that I hated about it, and people I don't miss at all; but overall, wasn't it a good thing? Why did it have to be taken away from us?
After my school closed, the only way I knew how to deal was to block out the pain - by blocking out everything. I kept in contact with Carly and a handful of other people, but for the most part, I filed my memories away. To me, the school was gone, and it wsn't coming back. I knew that, and I knew I had to move on with my life. Clinging to the past and bemoaning my change in situation wouldn't solve anything; I thought it would be best to just leave it be and focus on the future.
I was wrong.
Just like last year, one of the first things I did today was read "Ulysses" by Tennyson. These lines jumped off the page at me, and I think they are especially pertinent:
"All times have I enjoyed greatly, suffered greatly...I am a part of all I have met; Yet all experience is an arch wherethrough gleams that untravelled world, whose margin fades for ever and for ever when I move."
Regardless of my attempts to bury the past, I never really left Ridgeville behind. Everything I went through - everyone I met - has shaped me and my views on life. The friends I made taught me to treasure life and the relationships I make. The people who made life rough for me only made me more resilient, and taught me that just because something or someone is different, that does not automatically make them wrong. Carly gave me joy; Mrs. Lauver gave me knitting; Sami gave me the ability to cut loose and have fun. Even though Ridgeville is gone, what it gave me is still here.
And that is why Joey's last words made me sob:
"I know true friends may be hard to leave, but they're impossible to forget. Even though you won't stay as long as we'd like, we're lucky to know you at all... I hate to break the news to you, but you're not going anywhere, because everything you've given us is staying right here, in our hearts."
I am a part of all I have met. "Though much is taken, much abides." Moving on doesn't require forgetting everything that's happened and everyone I've met. Rather, it's more important to hold onto the good and let the bad pass away. Taking the best parts of my experiences allows me to move with confidence through that gleaming arch, because I know what I have been given is priceless.
Goodbye may seem forever
Farewell is like the end
But in my heart's a memory
And there you'll always be