Light the way to bright tomorrows
When I was in sixth grade, I tried every possible method to get out of going to the middle school retreat. Almost to the point of making myself sick so I could stay home. My best friend (Ashley from the "Dear Ashley" posts) had just left Ridgeville because of financial issues, and I hadn't met anyone else I really clicked with yet, and I wasn't too terribly keen on spending the whole time chatting with teachers (which would be more than a little odd) or being by myself.
I had to go anyway. And I really didn't expect much out of it. I did maybe one round of bowling in which I was ignored while waiting for my turn. Yippee. Then I walked over to the air hockey table, just to mess around a little. One of my classmates - a slender guy with an ash-blond buzzcut - offered to play with me. Sure, what the heck.
We played for over an hour. Continuously.
His name was John Morgan. We ended up hitting it off and became really good friends for the rest of the year. Ate lunch together, met up to say hi between classes, that sort of thing. It got to the point where people started joking about us "going out" (okay, they'd been doing that since the beginning) and I was starting to maybe kinda sorta think about it.
Then the year ended, and he had to leave too. For financial reasons. We traded phone numbers, called each other a few times, and eventually drifted apart.
Seventh and eighth grade sucked. I really don't want to go into it, but let's just say that I never found another John Morgan. Hell, I would have setted for another Ashley, or someone even halfway there, but it didn't happen. Then one day, towards the end of eighth grade, I was coming down the hallway into the middle school commons, and there he was. Chatting with a few other guys while doing one-handed pushups (I kid you not) on the tile.
I won't lie about how much seeing him made me light up. I waited until he picked himself up to call his name and started crossing the room. He turned around, our eyes connected, and -
Nothing.
The look he gave me was completely blank. Devoid of recognition. Then he recognized me (I think having grown out and straightened my hair threw him), and another look crossed his face.
It said: Oh, it's you. It said: Don't expect me to acknowledge you in front of the guys. It said: I can't believe I was ever friends with you.
I got the message and kept walking to my next class. I never saw him again. And deep down, I think he's one of the reasons I don't trust men. Why I don't care that much if my intelligence intimidates them, why I tend to have a negative view of guys in general. There's more to it than that, but I really think this is where it all started.
And now...
There's a guy. Not Andre; a different guy. He was in my poli sci class last quarter, and I managed to Hetalia-fy him. He loves it. He loves anime in general, actually, and English, and history. I can hold a decent intellectual conversation with him wthout feeling like I'm outclassing him (which always makes me feel awkward). And he wears a Dr. Who scarf that he knit himself.
I really, really like him.
Today I ran into him in the Hangar during lunch. We got to catch up and eat together, and we talked about things that really didn't matter. He's Hetalia-fied a few people himself, and it turns out he'll be at Ohayocon at the end of this month.
I don't know where this is going to go. Honestly, I'm really okay with it not going anywhere other than friendship at this point. But part of me wonders how much of that is because of what happened before, and if that will ruin things. And then, of course, part of me doesn't want to saddle yet another person with all my anxiety problems, but that's another matter entirely.
I'm scared to let it go anywhere else, because I'm afraid it'll all fall to pieces.
P.S. I know I've said I had no friends in middle school, and that seems to conflict with this story. Truth be told, I've locked John's story away so deep that I've almost forgotten about it now, and I'm not even sure I count him among my friends.
On a separate note, the results from the CT scan came back. Everything, both in my sinuses and in the rest of my head, is 100% normal. Now if the meds will just kick in...