Me Things - Fall 2017
I feel better about life now that both kids are in school-like, much much better-but I'm still wearing this mantle of anxiety and self-reproach that I think warrants some reflection.
This is no surprise, but the reality of this new schedule is that I have an hour and change of alone time-that's from the moment I walk back in the door after dropping off the Empress until the God-King comes home for his lunch break. Even then I have to throw the cat in the garage (because me walking in sets off the Pavolovian "feed-me" response even though it's nowhere near lunch time) and hope no one calls me on the phone.
I mean, the phone's not ringing every day to inform me my son had a violent meltdown. That was my reality not so long ago, and I'm thankful we're not there right now. But clearly part of me is still there. I can't seem to uncringe my shoulders. Also, that hour goes by so very fast, and what gets accomplished in it never seems like all that much.
To be fair, what I've been focusing on during that hour lately doesn't help. I was stressed about the SFPA, the looming deadlines and incomplete projects and the laissez-faire attitude of my fellow officers. I let that go and I feel better, but I rolled right into prep for an upcoming workshop, which involved time-consuming reformatting of notes and now daily practice to make sure I know what I'm talking about when I get up there-and even though I *know* that I do know, I was dissatisfied just enough with my last appearance that I'm working with this knife's edge sensation that is, well, not allowing me to embrace this new slightly more "open" chapter of my life.
Which has led me to realize that, however much I want to do *more* workshops -for money even-that's something for another season. The truth is, I'm still recovering from last year. I tend to forget that when I measure out my time and my reactions and wonder why I'm not bigger better stronger. But that's why. Last year kicked the shit out of me. It's gonna take me some time.
So. After the workshop (in 10 days), I want to slow things down. I'll start working on a bigger, long-term project-something I can add to during those daily sessions in reliable, measured doses without twisting myself in knots over a looming deadline.
I need more than that, though. I need to let the bad things go, the anxiety and self-criticism, while also making some positive body changes. I need to crawl out of the survival hole and start moving again, drop some of this awful weight, and be healthier overall.
There's some conflict there-relax but be better. But it doesn't have to be either-or, does it? I just need to figure out where I left my zen, I guess.
Breathe into it.
It IS better, though. I've been cooking, decorating the house, even gardening-things I only do when I'm *okay*. And making little commitments to self. For example, I fight a daily battle with my family to keep the kitchen table looking pretty, and not like a workspace or dumping ground.
Anyway, this is where I am. Hope y'all are well, too.
This is no surprise, but the reality of this new schedule is that I have an hour and change of alone time-that's from the moment I walk back in the door after dropping off the Empress until the God-King comes home for his lunch break. Even then I have to throw the cat in the garage (because me walking in sets off the Pavolovian "feed-me" response even though it's nowhere near lunch time) and hope no one calls me on the phone.
I mean, the phone's not ringing every day to inform me my son had a violent meltdown. That was my reality not so long ago, and I'm thankful we're not there right now. But clearly part of me is still there. I can't seem to uncringe my shoulders. Also, that hour goes by so very fast, and what gets accomplished in it never seems like all that much.
To be fair, what I've been focusing on during that hour lately doesn't help. I was stressed about the SFPA, the looming deadlines and incomplete projects and the laissez-faire attitude of my fellow officers. I let that go and I feel better, but I rolled right into prep for an upcoming workshop, which involved time-consuming reformatting of notes and now daily practice to make sure I know what I'm talking about when I get up there-and even though I *know* that I do know, I was dissatisfied just enough with my last appearance that I'm working with this knife's edge sensation that is, well, not allowing me to embrace this new slightly more "open" chapter of my life.
Which has led me to realize that, however much I want to do *more* workshops -for money even-that's something for another season. The truth is, I'm still recovering from last year. I tend to forget that when I measure out my time and my reactions and wonder why I'm not bigger better stronger. But that's why. Last year kicked the shit out of me. It's gonna take me some time.
So. After the workshop (in 10 days), I want to slow things down. I'll start working on a bigger, long-term project-something I can add to during those daily sessions in reliable, measured doses without twisting myself in knots over a looming deadline.
I need more than that, though. I need to let the bad things go, the anxiety and self-criticism, while also making some positive body changes. I need to crawl out of the survival hole and start moving again, drop some of this awful weight, and be healthier overall.
There's some conflict there-relax but be better. But it doesn't have to be either-or, does it? I just need to figure out where I left my zen, I guess.
Breathe into it.
It IS better, though. I've been cooking, decorating the house, even gardening-things I only do when I'm *okay*. And making little commitments to self. For example, I fight a daily battle with my family to keep the kitchen table looking pretty, and not like a workspace or dumping ground.
Anyway, this is where I am. Hope y'all are well, too.