Recluse
I think I've lost my faith in friendship.
I think people in general are beautiful and awful. I try to be respectful of everyone, empathic and kind when I can be, but one on one it's very hard for me to really, intimitely invest . I'm strange, sometimes awkward, smarter than your average bear and of divergent opinions and beliefs. I don't trust easily and I don't do things halfway. I don't have time for fairweather friends, climbers, users, blackholes and liars. I'd rather stay home than give my energy away to someone who doesn't give back -- especially now that I have kids -- so my social calendar is not that full, and there aren't many repeat performances.
There are people that I respect and/or love that I would call "friend". And there have been people that I went all-in for, people weird and smart and cool and deep enough to let down the gates for, that I once called "Friend" ("Sister/Bestie/Dearheart") But it gets harder to do that, the older I get. Because people, invariably, inevitably, are as awful as we are beautiful. We all have our breaking points, our selling price. Any relationship can be broken, and will. The true test of love, be it friendship, romance, or family, is whether or not you can rise to the occasion once the break happens.
For whatever reason, mine tend not to mend.
Some breaks take longer than others. Some breaks are less a break and more of a slow wasting. Either way, the end result is the same.
And I'm tired. And I'm hurt. And I just think maybe there's something wrong with me. Or maybe there's something wrong with everyone.
I'm very lucky to have made a good marriage. Our relationship has broken, but it's been mended. And it could break again, but right now, at least, it's holding and it gives me solace and a reason to keep going, because the rest of the world sure as hell seems lacking. Our kids are beautiful. We're nurturing the kind of family I wish I'd had in the first place. And that's something.
But I think this is it for me. My family gets what I have to give -- and my career, and my health. With what's leftover, I will keep trying to add a little more beauty to the world, in my own little ways. And sure, there will always be social things, coffee dates, parties, readings, events, whatevers. I'm not dead -- not even broken.
It's just that my heart has so many cracks in it, I don't think I can go on giving pieces of it out.