Waiting for Godot
I guess this will be my last update before my daughter is born.
We’re scheduled for an induction on Friday. I’ve been hoping that she would come on her own before then - not completely unreasonable, given that I’m 39 weeks today - but aside from some erratic contractions, nothing much seems to be happening down there. We still have tonight and tomorrow, but I’ve pretty much given up on a natural labor.
It’s disappointing, yes, but also it worries me. Induction can cause things to snowball, leading to more interventions and complications. The Kinglet’s birth was so unpleasant and here we are setting the stage again. With him, I waited two weeks past my due date. This time I’m giving in a week early. It sucks.
But I think it’s time. I’m not in immediate danger, but I’m not well, and I don’t believe waiting is going to do either of us any good. My blood pressure is high - sometimes dangerously high, though it does consistently comes back down. I’ve already gained as much weight as I did with the Kinglet. My allergies are so bad, my tissues so inflamed that I can’t breathe, my throat closes up at night and I wake up choking. I’m in constant pain with my back and legs, and I’m getting weaker all the time. Reflux keeps me from lying down at all, ever. Nights are special torture, endless and awful. Babycakes, though, is ready. She’s practicing her breathing in there, moving all the time, getting fat and crowded and restless. She’s even got hair on her head, according to our last ultrasound.
It’s time.
There’s a lot of uncertainty about what will happen after she comes. I haven’t blogged about getting risked out of the birth center - it was too upsetting, at the time. Now I’m resigned to the hospital birth; I found a nice midwife who operates out of my usual gyn-practice, and I’ve *heard* that hospital maternity policies are a lot less restrictive and a lot more family-friendly than they were the last time we did this. So that’s - something.
Still, there’s a possibility Babycakes will have to stay in the NICU for a time. The medication I have to take for my headaches can cause complications, and even though it’s a very low dose they need to observe her. Also I tested positive for Group B strep in my first trimester, which is a fairly common thing for women to have but potentially dangerous to babies at birth. I’ll have to be hooked up to antibiotics during labor and they’ll need to watch her for that, too. So rather than the obligatory hospital stay, we could be there for a week. We could be separated, even. Don’t know how that’s going to work. Don’t know how that’s going to impact breastfeeding. Don’t know what it’s going to mean for the family, for Kinglet, who still has a week of school. Don’t know how I’m going to deal.
Don’t want to dwell on it. Just putting it out there.
In the meantime, I’m losing my sanity bit by bit. I finished off all my projects, divested myself of work responsibilities, packed our bags and did everything else I could to be ready for this baby. Now I’ve got nothing to do. I’ve been obsessively keeping the kitchen clean, packing the Kinglet’s lunch at three in the morning, laundering every scrap of clothing. I’ve been binge watching HOUSE on Netflix - I have dreams of Hugh Laurie bullying me for not going into labor, and discovering that my baby has something crazy wrong with her. I think I’ll be done the series by Friday. THEN where will I be?
As for people who aren’t currently connected by an umbilical cord: The Kinglet appears to be going through a manic phase. Incidents of violence at school are on the rise again. At home, he comes in and out of a hyper state that seems to take him over and make him oblivious to us. Singing at the top of his lungs, being silly, violating personal space like it’s a joke. Everyone is rather at a loss for what to do about it. His team asked us to reconsider the medication question, so I made some calls, but since his psychiatrist is an ass we won’t be able to start any trials until after the semester is over. In the meantime, I get regular calls from school to tell me they had to restrain him, and when he gets home I have to sit him down and ask him what the fuck, dude. What’s going on with you? What can we do?
I feel completely inadequate for all of this right now. I have so little energy. I know that doesn’t help the situation. The family dynamic is tense. The Godking is tense, having to take care of both of us, our physical needs, play with the Kinglet where I can’t, deal with his own health and work issues, AND be the primary disciplinarian. He loses his temper a lot, which has to spill over into the Kinglet’s school day. It’s not… ideal.
Another reason I just need this pregnancy to be over. I know things aren’t going to magically get better when baby is here - a whole other person to adapt to, plus Mommy being weak and tired from birth and infant care… but the sooner we get this baby out, the sooner we can all start working to some sort of normalcy again. Whatever that means.
My parents aren’t well. Mom got sick after skipping dialysis - again. I gave her hell for that, thinking she’d learned her lesson the last time. She avoided a hospital stay at least, and she got better, but she was sick again this week. I didn’t know about it until after, as usual. She said she was worried that “her days were numbered”. Now she thinks she’s having an adverse reaction to her medicines, even though the nurses at the dialysis center say that’s unusual. She switching her meds and says she’s feeling better again. I guess we’ll see.
She’s lost a ton of weight, though. Bought herself a brand new wardrobe. That makes her happy.
My Dad has been in terrible pain with the spinal stenosis. He basically needs to be in a wheelchair now, though they haven’t taken that step yet. He spends most of his time in bed watching television. His medications don’t do enough to help, but he’s maxed out with what the doctors will allow. He’s decided he wants to push for surgery, even though they were reluctant to give it to him given the condition of his health. It’s very risky, but he says he can’t go on living like he is now - it’s no kind of life. It scares me to hear all this, but I can’t really blame him either. I’ve been feeling miserable for months, so much I can’t do anymore, so much I have to rely on other people to do for me - I’ve been thinking at least there’s a light at the end of the tunnel for me. I should get better. But what about people who are elderly, or sick, with no hope of getting better? Like my poor dad.
I hate how depressing all of this sounds. Like I said, I don’t want to be dwelling on it, but it’s hard not to with little else to focus on. Time has slowed to molasses for me, all this waiting and wallowing in discomfort and uncertainty. I know, logically, that it will be over soon. Today and tomorrow - that’s all.
If we can just make it through the next few days, the next week okay… there will be much better things to think about.
Prayers, good wishes, and positive vibes all welcome.
We’re scheduled for an induction on Friday. I’ve been hoping that she would come on her own before then - not completely unreasonable, given that I’m 39 weeks today - but aside from some erratic contractions, nothing much seems to be happening down there. We still have tonight and tomorrow, but I’ve pretty much given up on a natural labor.
It’s disappointing, yes, but also it worries me. Induction can cause things to snowball, leading to more interventions and complications. The Kinglet’s birth was so unpleasant and here we are setting the stage again. With him, I waited two weeks past my due date. This time I’m giving in a week early. It sucks.
But I think it’s time. I’m not in immediate danger, but I’m not well, and I don’t believe waiting is going to do either of us any good. My blood pressure is high - sometimes dangerously high, though it does consistently comes back down. I’ve already gained as much weight as I did with the Kinglet. My allergies are so bad, my tissues so inflamed that I can’t breathe, my throat closes up at night and I wake up choking. I’m in constant pain with my back and legs, and I’m getting weaker all the time. Reflux keeps me from lying down at all, ever. Nights are special torture, endless and awful. Babycakes, though, is ready. She’s practicing her breathing in there, moving all the time, getting fat and crowded and restless. She’s even got hair on her head, according to our last ultrasound.
It’s time.
There’s a lot of uncertainty about what will happen after she comes. I haven’t blogged about getting risked out of the birth center - it was too upsetting, at the time. Now I’m resigned to the hospital birth; I found a nice midwife who operates out of my usual gyn-practice, and I’ve *heard* that hospital maternity policies are a lot less restrictive and a lot more family-friendly than they were the last time we did this. So that’s - something.
Still, there’s a possibility Babycakes will have to stay in the NICU for a time. The medication I have to take for my headaches can cause complications, and even though it’s a very low dose they need to observe her. Also I tested positive for Group B strep in my first trimester, which is a fairly common thing for women to have but potentially dangerous to babies at birth. I’ll have to be hooked up to antibiotics during labor and they’ll need to watch her for that, too. So rather than the obligatory hospital stay, we could be there for a week. We could be separated, even. Don’t know how that’s going to work. Don’t know how that’s going to impact breastfeeding. Don’t know what it’s going to mean for the family, for Kinglet, who still has a week of school. Don’t know how I’m going to deal.
Don’t want to dwell on it. Just putting it out there.
In the meantime, I’m losing my sanity bit by bit. I finished off all my projects, divested myself of work responsibilities, packed our bags and did everything else I could to be ready for this baby. Now I’ve got nothing to do. I’ve been obsessively keeping the kitchen clean, packing the Kinglet’s lunch at three in the morning, laundering every scrap of clothing. I’ve been binge watching HOUSE on Netflix - I have dreams of Hugh Laurie bullying me for not going into labor, and discovering that my baby has something crazy wrong with her. I think I’ll be done the series by Friday. THEN where will I be?
As for people who aren’t currently connected by an umbilical cord: The Kinglet appears to be going through a manic phase. Incidents of violence at school are on the rise again. At home, he comes in and out of a hyper state that seems to take him over and make him oblivious to us. Singing at the top of his lungs, being silly, violating personal space like it’s a joke. Everyone is rather at a loss for what to do about it. His team asked us to reconsider the medication question, so I made some calls, but since his psychiatrist is an ass we won’t be able to start any trials until after the semester is over. In the meantime, I get regular calls from school to tell me they had to restrain him, and when he gets home I have to sit him down and ask him what the fuck, dude. What’s going on with you? What can we do?
I feel completely inadequate for all of this right now. I have so little energy. I know that doesn’t help the situation. The family dynamic is tense. The Godking is tense, having to take care of both of us, our physical needs, play with the Kinglet where I can’t, deal with his own health and work issues, AND be the primary disciplinarian. He loses his temper a lot, which has to spill over into the Kinglet’s school day. It’s not… ideal.
Another reason I just need this pregnancy to be over. I know things aren’t going to magically get better when baby is here - a whole other person to adapt to, plus Mommy being weak and tired from birth and infant care… but the sooner we get this baby out, the sooner we can all start working to some sort of normalcy again. Whatever that means.
My parents aren’t well. Mom got sick after skipping dialysis - again. I gave her hell for that, thinking she’d learned her lesson the last time. She avoided a hospital stay at least, and she got better, but she was sick again this week. I didn’t know about it until after, as usual. She said she was worried that “her days were numbered”. Now she thinks she’s having an adverse reaction to her medicines, even though the nurses at the dialysis center say that’s unusual. She switching her meds and says she’s feeling better again. I guess we’ll see.
She’s lost a ton of weight, though. Bought herself a brand new wardrobe. That makes her happy.
My Dad has been in terrible pain with the spinal stenosis. He basically needs to be in a wheelchair now, though they haven’t taken that step yet. He spends most of his time in bed watching television. His medications don’t do enough to help, but he’s maxed out with what the doctors will allow. He’s decided he wants to push for surgery, even though they were reluctant to give it to him given the condition of his health. It’s very risky, but he says he can’t go on living like he is now - it’s no kind of life. It scares me to hear all this, but I can’t really blame him either. I’ve been feeling miserable for months, so much I can’t do anymore, so much I have to rely on other people to do for me - I’ve been thinking at least there’s a light at the end of the tunnel for me. I should get better. But what about people who are elderly, or sick, with no hope of getting better? Like my poor dad.
I hate how depressing all of this sounds. Like I said, I don’t want to be dwelling on it, but it’s hard not to with little else to focus on. Time has slowed to molasses for me, all this waiting and wallowing in discomfort and uncertainty. I know, logically, that it will be over soon. Today and tomorrow - that’s all.
If we can just make it through the next few days, the next week okay… there will be much better things to think about.
Prayers, good wishes, and positive vibes all welcome.