(no subject)
Just wanted to log on and whine for a minute.
On and off, I've been "dieting" since May. I'm trying to make good choices, plan ahead, and track what I eat. Sometimes, I forgo counting every single calorie, because calorie counting is exhausting and my mind is on other things. I still try to make the good choices, though. Sometimes, I say fuck it and eat the ice cream AND the cake - I won't lie. But the days when I'm careful outnumber the days when I don't care.
Still, the end result is that I keep gaining and losing the same five pounds. And losing is way harder than gaining, by the way - except when my body flipflops and rewards me for eating badly and packs on the pounds after a week of struggling.
Which is the same thing that happens every time I try to "diet" - in quotations because "dieting" has negative connotations, like I'm eating nothing but grapefruit and power bars, which is not at all what I mean - when I say "diet" I mean making nutritionally-wise choices towards a reasonable daily caloric budget below what I theoretically need for weight maintenance, which SHOULD result in a slow loss of poundage. But doesn't.
And it's frustrating, so eventually I stop trying for weeks or months at a time, usually corresponding to downswings in my mood or other health issues where I just don't have the energy or spirit to work that hard for something that doesn't pay off.
But something needs to give. My weight is Not Good for my health. For example, I have a condition called venous reflux, in which the veins of my legs are not strong enough to pump blood against gravity. It's a genetic condition. It causes my legs to ache and swell and feel tired, like I'm an old lady and not a spry thirty-something. It's been getting worse, keeping me up at night in tears, having to sleep with my legs on piles of pillows so the blood comes back down and eventually I can pass out.
There's a surgery I can get, but it scares me, so I've been trying other things for a year now. I've got compression "socks" (more like leg-warmers) that help, but I can't wear them all the time and they don't stop me from hurting at night. I've been trying to lose weight to see if that will help but, well - see above.
So I'm at a crossroads. Either I buckle down and try - really try - to lose the weight - which is going to call for dramatic life changes that probably WILL make me feel like I'm losing out, and will require a huge cost of time and will (like I have nothing else going on in life) - or get the surgery.
On and off, I've been "dieting" since May. I'm trying to make good choices, plan ahead, and track what I eat. Sometimes, I forgo counting every single calorie, because calorie counting is exhausting and my mind is on other things. I still try to make the good choices, though. Sometimes, I say fuck it and eat the ice cream AND the cake - I won't lie. But the days when I'm careful outnumber the days when I don't care.
Still, the end result is that I keep gaining and losing the same five pounds. And losing is way harder than gaining, by the way - except when my body flipflops and rewards me for eating badly and packs on the pounds after a week of struggling.
Which is the same thing that happens every time I try to "diet" - in quotations because "dieting" has negative connotations, like I'm eating nothing but grapefruit and power bars, which is not at all what I mean - when I say "diet" I mean making nutritionally-wise choices towards a reasonable daily caloric budget below what I theoretically need for weight maintenance, which SHOULD result in a slow loss of poundage. But doesn't.
And it's frustrating, so eventually I stop trying for weeks or months at a time, usually corresponding to downswings in my mood or other health issues where I just don't have the energy or spirit to work that hard for something that doesn't pay off.
But something needs to give. My weight is Not Good for my health. For example, I have a condition called venous reflux, in which the veins of my legs are not strong enough to pump blood against gravity. It's a genetic condition. It causes my legs to ache and swell and feel tired, like I'm an old lady and not a spry thirty-something. It's been getting worse, keeping me up at night in tears, having to sleep with my legs on piles of pillows so the blood comes back down and eventually I can pass out.
There's a surgery I can get, but it scares me, so I've been trying other things for a year now. I've got compression "socks" (more like leg-warmers) that help, but I can't wear them all the time and they don't stop me from hurting at night. I've been trying to lose weight to see if that will help but, well - see above.
So I'm at a crossroads. Either I buckle down and try - really try - to lose the weight - which is going to call for dramatic life changes that probably WILL make me feel like I'm losing out, and will require a huge cost of time and will (like I have nothing else going on in life) - or get the surgery.