where bullies come from
I haven't talked much about the Kinglet's status because things have been par for the course. He has good weeks and bad ones. He gets in fights -- sometimes the other kids hit back, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they start it, sometimes they don't.
The school doesn't report the full story; it's always "the Kinglet did this". They make it sound like he freaks the fuck out and then there's an incident when, once we get the story out of him, there's almost always some precipitating situation. And 99% of the time, yes, it was the Kinglet that made a bad decision and, yes, it was him acting all out of proportion and, yes, he needs to face consequences for that. But they don't tell us how the other kids were mocking him, setting him up, riling him up.
They don't listen when we say, look, he's having problems with his peers, and you know he's got a temper, so can't you help him BEFORE something happens?
They've got this "no tolerance to bullying" mantra now. And that's awesome. They have it on the books that teasing and instigating are NOT OKAY. You can get written up for what you cause another kid to do. But these are first graders, for one thing, so I don't know how seriously they're taking it and, really, where are the lines for what's teasing and what's normal when you're six? And the teachers are not involved at the level anyway. They just tell us the end result. The Kinglet pushed someone. Rushed at. Hit. Choked.
Jesus, kid.
And the trouble is, it's hard to get anything out of him. It's like pulling teeth to put together a linear story. He doesn't understand everything that's going on around him, and his emotions color his understanding. Someone else cheated or lied or tried to get him in trouble. Someone made him cry and laughed. It was a game. I don't remember.
He has often claimed not to remember, going back as far as we've been having these conversations. When he was four, I wrote it off as him being four. But he's almost seven now - articulate, bright. But not devious - I know when he's lying. I believe him. But I don't know what that means. Is he having blackouts? Or is he just suppressing things?
He's had his medication adjusted several times this year. To my eyes, he reacts quickly to the change, and it seems to help, but then it doesn't. He has precious little self-control, he reacts big. And he absolutely does not believe he can do anything to change. This worries me.
His therapist was only able to see him bi-weekly this spring, but this week we're starting weekly. Part of me wants to take him to someone else, someone closer, because I'm not in love with how things are going - I don't know much of what goes on in their sessions and I don't know that he's getting anything out of them. But she just started working with him on some somatic stuff, and she feels she might have a better handle on what's driving him after a few more sessions. I had asked her, because of the high energy/movement if she thought we were in fact looking at ADHD or something. She said she had a feeling it was avoidance behavior instead - he doesn't want to talk about something, doesn't want to feel, so he moves and ignores it. I need to see where that goes. I need someone to understand my kid.
I plan to take him off of the meds in the summer. I need to see what his baseline is without them. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about that. A part of me is quietly freaking out about the end of school. I'm about to say goodbye to so much of my free time. I don't want to be depressed anymore. It certainly won't help if we take him off the drugs and find out there's an uncontrollable Kinglet under there, and I have to deal with him alone for two and a half months.
But the thing is, some of this sounds really horrible, but damn it, this boy is so lovely. Mostly it's just frustrating, because I know he's getting a reputation, and he's not believing in himself, and he is so much better than all of that. He just needs... help.
And time. He needs time. Mostly he just needs time.
Anyway. The worst thing is, we invited all of his schoolmates to his birthday party, and no one responded. Well, strictly speaking, one family responded, but they have other plans that day and can only come late, maybe. Twenty-two other families didn't bother to say yes or no - which is a no. So now we have to figure out how to tell our son that his party isn't happening.
He illustrated some of the invitations himself. He wrote out every child's name. He held them in his little lap all the way to school, and delivered them by hand.
This morning, he was worried that the children would get lost on their way to his party because there's another house in our neighborhood with the same house number.
I emailed his teacher. We thought, maybe there's an explanation. Maybe kids in public school just don't do birthday parties. No one knows each other. We don't have names and phone numbers. Maybe it's just not done.
But I know one girl told him she wasn't allowed to come because he "is a bully." It's quite possible that the rest of the class feels the same way.
Yesterday was the RSVP by date, and he was home sick from school. We didn't say anything - maybe he'll go in today and some children will hand off their "yes"'s in person. Maybe.
If not - I'm hoping, at least, his teacher responds, so we'll have a better idea what to say to him tonight.
The school doesn't report the full story; it's always "the Kinglet did this". They make it sound like he freaks the fuck out and then there's an incident when, once we get the story out of him, there's almost always some precipitating situation. And 99% of the time, yes, it was the Kinglet that made a bad decision and, yes, it was him acting all out of proportion and, yes, he needs to face consequences for that. But they don't tell us how the other kids were mocking him, setting him up, riling him up.
They don't listen when we say, look, he's having problems with his peers, and you know he's got a temper, so can't you help him BEFORE something happens?
They've got this "no tolerance to bullying" mantra now. And that's awesome. They have it on the books that teasing and instigating are NOT OKAY. You can get written up for what you cause another kid to do. But these are first graders, for one thing, so I don't know how seriously they're taking it and, really, where are the lines for what's teasing and what's normal when you're six? And the teachers are not involved at the level anyway. They just tell us the end result. The Kinglet pushed someone. Rushed at. Hit. Choked.
Jesus, kid.
And the trouble is, it's hard to get anything out of him. It's like pulling teeth to put together a linear story. He doesn't understand everything that's going on around him, and his emotions color his understanding. Someone else cheated or lied or tried to get him in trouble. Someone made him cry and laughed. It was a game. I don't remember.
He has often claimed not to remember, going back as far as we've been having these conversations. When he was four, I wrote it off as him being four. But he's almost seven now - articulate, bright. But not devious - I know when he's lying. I believe him. But I don't know what that means. Is he having blackouts? Or is he just suppressing things?
He's had his medication adjusted several times this year. To my eyes, he reacts quickly to the change, and it seems to help, but then it doesn't. He has precious little self-control, he reacts big. And he absolutely does not believe he can do anything to change. This worries me.
His therapist was only able to see him bi-weekly this spring, but this week we're starting weekly. Part of me wants to take him to someone else, someone closer, because I'm not in love with how things are going - I don't know much of what goes on in their sessions and I don't know that he's getting anything out of them. But she just started working with him on some somatic stuff, and she feels she might have a better handle on what's driving him after a few more sessions. I had asked her, because of the high energy/movement if she thought we were in fact looking at ADHD or something. She said she had a feeling it was avoidance behavior instead - he doesn't want to talk about something, doesn't want to feel, so he moves and ignores it. I need to see where that goes. I need someone to understand my kid.
I plan to take him off of the meds in the summer. I need to see what his baseline is without them. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about that. A part of me is quietly freaking out about the end of school. I'm about to say goodbye to so much of my free time. I don't want to be depressed anymore. It certainly won't help if we take him off the drugs and find out there's an uncontrollable Kinglet under there, and I have to deal with him alone for two and a half months.
But the thing is, some of this sounds really horrible, but damn it, this boy is so lovely. Mostly it's just frustrating, because I know he's getting a reputation, and he's not believing in himself, and he is so much better than all of that. He just needs... help.
And time. He needs time. Mostly he just needs time.
Anyway. The worst thing is, we invited all of his schoolmates to his birthday party, and no one responded. Well, strictly speaking, one family responded, but they have other plans that day and can only come late, maybe. Twenty-two other families didn't bother to say yes or no - which is a no. So now we have to figure out how to tell our son that his party isn't happening.
He illustrated some of the invitations himself. He wrote out every child's name. He held them in his little lap all the way to school, and delivered them by hand.
This morning, he was worried that the children would get lost on their way to his party because there's another house in our neighborhood with the same house number.
I emailed his teacher. We thought, maybe there's an explanation. Maybe kids in public school just don't do birthday parties. No one knows each other. We don't have names and phone numbers. Maybe it's just not done.
But I know one girl told him she wasn't allowed to come because he "is a bully." It's quite possible that the rest of the class feels the same way.
Yesterday was the RSVP by date, and he was home sick from school. We didn't say anything - maybe he'll go in today and some children will hand off their "yes"'s in person. Maybe.
If not - I'm hoping, at least, his teacher responds, so we'll have a better idea what to say to him tonight.