a very angsty update
I'm feeling a lot of angst today. I'm pretty sure I have a sinus infection and that I've had it for a while now. I've been struggling with my pain medications, the same old yes,but argument I've had with myself for years: I really don't want to take the meds indefinitely, yes, but, when I stop taking the meds the pain is still there. Yes, but,
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Basically, it comes down to risk of infection. I infect very easily. I'm very good at it. (ain't it great to have a talent? ....grrrr...)
The pump- if you dunno- has a tube that goes straight into the spinal fluid. It then tunnels under the flesh- beneath the skin and fat layers- to a point just under the rib cage in front, where there would be a tiny little box. (about 4X4 inches around, and 2 inches thick) The box holds the medication, and it shoots pain relief right at the source of the pain.
The nice thing about it is that I would have 2-3 breakthrough weenie vicodin that I could use every day, and that is it. The liquid pain meds don't go through the intestines, bladder, liver, etc. It just flushes as blood recycles. So there would be no more damage to my insides, and I wouldn't be as freakin' dumb as I am now. I'm on pretty heavy hitters now, enough so that things we experience together is just not in my head. Ben mentioned, trying to be funny, that it is a good thing we have such a long history or I'd not even know him.
Not funny. Half true, but not funny.
So, the reason the doc said no- infection. If I get an infection at any point between belly, cord, and spine, it'll go right up my spinal fluid. While there is a risk of death in any surgery, with my habit of infecting, it is a lot higher with the pump for me. If it goes up the spinal fluid, I could die; I could likely end up being some degree of paralyzed; it could simply screw with my head so I'm just not me anymore.
The surgeon said, if it was my own sister, I'd tell her to run far and fast away from any doctor or surgeon who wants to do this- who thinks I am a good candidate.
I appreciated his blunt honesty... I really did.
I just dunno what to do now.
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