this is your brain on light-spiders

Apr 21, 2012 16:49

Last night I wandered through one long dream, not even broken by having to get up to answer Nature in the middle. The surroundings of the dream changed but the central message stayed the same, with me following, tracking, chasing lines. First it was ethernet cords - like I know for sure what those are, ha. But, no, there were miles of the stuff, wired all through the house that was somehow also my new place of business, and me trying to figure out which cords were mine and what they went to. At some point the cords evolved into lines of light, and the scope got bigger to - me chasing these lines of light through doors, up and down stairs, diving into baskets that led to other worlds, all the while trying to connect and capture and put things right. And all within a single house.

Also there was a lot of arranging of furniture, and decisions involving what to store in which cabinets, as one does when moving into a new home. This also has been a theme, of late.

Did you know that our habitual thoughts travel through real and actual grooves in the brain, like pathways... like trails? It takes work to break mental habits, to forge new neural pathways.

I think my dreams are the work of busy little thoughts - neurons? - blazing new trails. Weaving new connections. Making change.
The house, of course, is me. And maybe also, by extension, this house. By which I mean, my house. My family. This life.

I don't know what these new trails are going to look like yet. I have flashes of ideas, moments of almost-grace, but mostly things feel much the same as they did the day before. Living with small children is like living in a continual state of sensory-overload. It's very hard to sustain moments of grace, you see. It's very hard to sustain moments of what did I come in this room for? Dishes? Laundry? Oh, wait. That's right. I meant to pee.

At the moment I'm telling myself that new ways mean a slowing down, so I can start to tend to my roots and fix this body. I don't like to look at myself in the mirror these days, but I come right back with a "well what the fuck can I do about it"? But maybe if I can sustain a mindset of... no rush. It's all good... then maybe I can do something about it. I've been doing my core exercises again, like a good little girl. Trying to reign the pain back from my legs. That's a start.

Though right now they feel much like jelly... we had a good day, waking up early to a quiet house (the Kinglet slept over with the good grandparents). We visited the farmer's market, had breakfast, buzzed through some disappointing community yard sales, picked up the boy and went to a Greenfest in town, had lunch. A beautiful day, but I never shook the fatigue from waking up early and wound up feeling quite woozy - possibly from all these medications to fight a sinus infection tenacious as... well, mucousal cysts? Har. Don't mind me.

Took a brief nap but the cat woke me up with a plaintive *MEW* and my wires were too jumbled to go back to sleep. I thought I might do some tarot but the boys came home from mini-golf... but they left again to running errands so I DID to some tarot, and found some relief finally in sight. Thought about chores and then laughed that off, as I am utterly lacking energy. But I have a laptop and a chair and a brain full of busy light spiders weaving thought-webs, so... I blog.

I wonder what I'll think to do next.

dreams, brokedown temple, mirror mirror, greener pastures?, seasonal

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